SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

HB is a normal reaction among couples to infidelity. Your WW May be trying to win you back with sex. Time will tell. But it would be entirely normal for you to want to engage in hysterical bonding to some degree.

She is doing what she should, making you feel wanted and desired.

I agree with fareast. HB is normal. If YOU want to engage in HB with your wife, go ahead. She is still your wife. It doesn't have to mean anything other than sex. Dr. Shirley Glass, in her book Not Just Friends, I believe states that engaging in HB is normal and doesn't seem to be indicative on whether a couple reconciles or divorces. If you are withholding sex as a consequence it may be punishing you even more.

And, btw, Dr. Glass's book "Not Just Friends" is the very best book out there on infidelity, imo. Both you and your WW need to read it. If you are maybe thinking of reconciling, I would read it together and discuss it chapter by chapter. This book helped us more than just about anything else we did for our marriages healing. And for our personal healing as well.

I don't buy into the WS needing to find books and etc., on their own. To say my FWH is not internet savvy would be an understatement. He was at a loss as to what needed to be done to heal himself, our marriage and to support me in my healing. People just don't automatically know what to do. I didn't know what I needed. This was all new territory for us. When I found SI it was a godsend. It laid out a map to healing for me. It put into words what I needed but didn't know I needed. I shared what I learned with FWH. We had decided we both wanted to reconcile and it was a joint effort. We needed to be a team. He jumped to do and read everything that I found from SI that I believed would help us. But, he needed that road map, as did I.

Take the time to figure out what you want.

Clarity comes with time.

It's good you dodged the pussy proxy. She must face some heavy consequences, and don't feel an iota of regret for your decisions.

The shot isn’t for cramps. It’s to prevent pregnancy.

I don't know how anyone can make this assumption. Are you a doctor and, more precisely, are you Joel's ww's doctor? Many times all kind of birth control are used for other female issues. Such as Endometriosis. It is kind of reckless to make such blanket statements, imo.

Go easy on the national drink (alcohol). The forerunner to many a problem.

And, btw, Dr. Glass's book "Not Just Friends" is the very best book out there on infidelity, imo. Both you and your WW need to read it. If you are maybe thinking of reconciling, I would read it together and discuss it chapter by chapter. This book helped us more than just about anything else we did for our marriages healing. And for our personal healing as well.

I agree with this and would add that you should read the book regardless of your decision to reconcile or divorce. Whether you stay in the marriage or not, you will keep asking yourself, "how the hell did this happen?". This book provides a great deal of insight into the psychology behind infidelity and the causes. There is also a great section in the book that addresses whether or not you should stay with a WS.

Sorry for what you are going through. All things considered, you are doing great and are to be commended for your strength and resilience.

Many times all kind of birth control are used for other female issues. Such as Endometriosis.

While this is true, the use of birth control with endometriosis can result in conception not super contraception. It happened to a family member of mine.

Nevertheless, the point remains that substances used for birth control can have other legitimate medical purposes. That said, the timing is very convenient for her subsequent actions. Given that EAs often precede PAs, Joel might want to examine if that’s what occurred in this case. It would put the nature of her betrayal in the most accurate context.

He might even want to accompany his WW to her ob/gym to learn exactly why she had the shot. Could be a very informative conversation...

Th trouble with putting lipstick on a pig as most rugsweepers find out is it wears off quick.

Beware.

Take the time and do it right.

I don't know how anyone can make this assumption. Are you a doctor and, more precisely, are you Joel's ww's doctor? Many times all kind of birth control are used for other female issues. Such as Endometriosis. It is kind of reckless to make such blanket statements, imo.

That’s true.

It could just be a happy coincidence for her.

She gets rid of those cramps. With the added benefit of not having to worry about getting pregnant, while having sex with another man.

Turning those lemons into lemonade.

Wow…

If some posters are to be believed then they KNOW that you wife has had numerous affairs and has the foresight to go get a shot so she doesn’t have to think about contraception and intentionally planned to screw her OM in the places most damaging to you. All this with no intention of ever letting you know.

Does she also ride a broom to work?

Joel – what you are dealing with is tough enough even if you only deal with what you know. And frankly what you know right now is bad enough. There might be truth in some of the statements made – we don’t know your wife – maybe she’s the go-to-girl at the local Marine barracks. But probably not. Chances are your wife is just the typical run-of-the-mill person that made a major bad choice. It doesn’t have to define her forever any more than she wants. At the same time it changes the dynamics and basis of your marriage enough to fully allow you to consider what YOU want.

That's a heavy 2x4 to swing and probably hit op like a Mac truck :(

William

Are you referring to my post?

Maybe sarcasm and/or cynicism doesn’t come too well out in the written word.

I’m pointing out the posters that pretend to know with a high degree of certainty that the WW has had more affairs, that she planned the shot simply to have sex with her numerous other lovers and so on. I have been around for some time and I can’t see anything based on what the OP has shared that supports those POV. I think posts of THAT nature both cause the OP more pain and don’t do anything to support his already tough situation. If there was a 2x4 in my post then it was directly aimed at those that think rubbing salt into bleeding sores is a great idea.

You're so close to DDay and wanting to keep your family together. I understand it, but I would also encourage to really hear what people are saying.

Having sex with your best friend, having sex with her friend's husband, having sex in your home WHEN YOU ARE RIGHT THERE, texting right in front of you ...

Even among cheaters, these things aren't normal. They're especially mean-spirited. Your wife is scrambling now, but my guess is she is more worried about losing her posh lifestyle. If you present her with papers, you might be facing a completely different animal. Be prepared.

Because of the 15 year marriage; please run to a lawyer. You need to find out what the cut off is for life time alimony. In my state life time alimony began at 17 years of marriage.

PLEASE do not ignore this. Good luck.

Joel

With feelingthenoose's comments I think the

Because of the 15 year marriage; please run to a lawyer. You need to find out what the cut off is for life time alimony. In my state life time alimony began at 17 years of marriage.

PLEASE do not ignore this. Good luck.

part he quoted does deserve special attention just because of a technicality and the timeing of everything.

I'm not saying you should be going all in for D or R but you should open your eyes as wide as you can before making a decision.

Don't forget that some have gone ahead and to D (or got the post-nuptial agreement) and then started dating as well. There's different ways people have survived infidelty and it's good to consider all options.

Only reason I'm making special mention of this again here is that I disagree and have already stated that I think posting stuff like "this WAS way worse because" isn't all that helpful. If it is for you, okay I stand corrected. However, I know many quit reading or won't consider any of a post if they feel that they are just getting stuff piled on and I didn't want you to miss that bit of really solid and practical advice. As always this is just IMO.

Take what you can use (whatever that is) and throw away the rest.

Sorry, if it feels like I am picking on your post, feelingthenoose. You're entitled to your opinion of course and I'm actually just trying to help that point you were trying to emphasis unless in case it was missed..

Thankfully we don't all have to agree a post is helpful for it be helpful for someone else.

OP, you seemed concerned that your wife might have done something outside the norm. My only point was there are a few things in that category, so be careful when considering her motives. Good luck.

Are you re]erring to my post

No. My quote was taken and ran with.

I know women like this. This is my circle. I have been involved in this lifestyle my whole adult life.

It’s amazing. On the R forum. A man posted about his wife birth control options and everyone says she is horrible

As a MARRIED woman, deciding to get the shot...

Y’all women who exercise all the time don’t have horrible periods that require the shot. This was done for birth control. So he wouldn’t find the pill.

So please continue to reprimand me.

Aside from the facts about the shot. I do want to see the OP and his wife make it. Which means he doesn’t accept her excuses. And he demands more from her. Which is the truth

Sorry bigger. No, I was addressing the post above yours that you were addressing - the turning lemons into lemonade post.

I'd left my phone on the page while thinking about whether to respond for 40 mins and didnt think to refresh before I did post.

By the time my post appeared you had responded during the meantime so it looked like I was addressing your post.

Sorry :(

I just don't think these kinds of lemons to lemonade messages are real helpful.

I get sometimes new posters come across as too trusting of the motives and actions of a WS that gas betrayed them, cheated on them, and lied/gas lit them over it. No reason to trust anything WS says unless it can be verified. Yeah, we do need to sometimes prod new posters into re-looking into everything with an eye towards 'was this more deception'. My ww lied to me about so many things and it took this forum to open my eyes and start really digging instead of just trusting the words of a known liar.

IMO this lemons to lemonade post seems designed to rub a little salt in the wound. Its probably not meant that way but ... If I feel that way and I'm kinda far out from d-day how do you think op felt when he read that? Again, probably not meant that way but this is a forum of hurting people and maybe it's best we all keep that in mind.

[This message edited by william at 3:32 AM, June 4th (Monday)]

feelingthenoose

Having sex with your best friend, having sex with her friend's husband, having sex in your home WHEN YOU ARE RIGHT THERE, texting right in front of you ...

Even among cheaters, these things aren't normal.

Granted, some of us are leaning toward assumptions of previous A's without evidence to support it.

However feelingthenoose makes a valid point that I must agree with. Some of these actions are beyond the "normal" actions of a standard affair.

That is a concern to me, and raises other red flags as to motivation and how she rationalized those actions.

I would also endorse "Not Just Friends" to read, probably the best book out there, especially for BH's.