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I’m not getting the sense you are getting the full truth, either. I don’t think this was the first A, I think it centers around her brashness; she not only brought him in the house but F-ed him with you and the kids in it. I wouldn’t say anything but dig back through your marital history, you know now the “gut feeling”, was there ever a time you might have felt similarly. You now know her actions; her cover and concealment...

Your WW got used by a player, a amateur player at that, I’m pretty sure the first rule is don’t F your best friends wife. There are whole pholosophies dedicated to pickin-up married women, google it, YouTube is loaded with ho-to’s, friggen sick. Your WW was “selected” because your POS bestfriend picked up on her weakness. I doubt he was the first and your WW will probably never admit to it.

Sorry for your situation.

As I have read through the posts, the thought that keeps coming to my mind is why your WW disrespects you so much and takes you for granted? The word "entitlement" comes to mind. I almost feel that she has no appreciation for the hard work you do, your faithfulness and the gifts that you have offered to her. It seems by the way you have described your WW, she has completely taken advantage of your kind heart and your generosity. Why???

If I didn't know better, I would even venture to say that in her mind, her relationship with you has become somewhat boring and stagnant and your marriage has become more about convience and comfort, rather than a loving marital relationship. I feel that she somehow feels justified for her actions and that it was okay to step out of the boundries of your marriage for excitement and delving into the unknown with another man.

My thoughts are that you may need to exchange your gentle, kind and understanding nature to somewhat more of a hardass otherwise, she may find it justifiable to take you down this horrible path again. Your wife has shown you great disrespect and entitlement and I feel that she needs to realize that she may lose you forever because of her unthinkable actions. The truth is you will never be the same man again because of what your WW wife has done against your marriage and the dynamics of the family. She really needs to understand the magnitude of what she has done.

I understand the accepting of compliments from others but it seems that your wife allowed her boundries to dissolve with this other man and I really just don't get the kind of a friend your WW could have been to the other BS when she allowed her friend to confide in her while your WW was sleeping with her husband. Terrible!

The person your wife currently is scares me. Something is not right with her. I feel both of you need to delve into yourselves and try to understand how the marriage you said was so wonderful ended up here.

I understand reconciliation. It is a long, arduous process and can in the long-term become a new understanding of what the marriage vows mean and the way you view each other. If both of you are willing to figure out how you got to this place and what you need to do for your future, your marriage can be saved and your love and respect for each other can be deeper than ever before. I wish you luck.

I think this was her first affair.

He has a pretty wife who likes attention. She is a fitness instructor. Admired for her Body constantly. All the people in her class want to have a body like her. Want to work hard like her to get a better body. She is used to adoration.

It is not a second thought that her husband would adore her. She has never thought otherwise.

I want to know if the contractor built the mudroom cabinets.

The shot isn’t for cramps. It’s to prevent pregnancy. This was planned so she wouldn’t get pregnant from another man.

Your wife doesn’t have loyalty. Certainly not for you and not for her friend.

This was about being hot and doing what she wanted. You were never to find out.

She loved keeping it under your noses. His wife and you. That was the fun. This is who she is.

I would place a bet of 100 dollars that she would NEVER have an affair with someone you didn’t know or wasn’t a friends husband. The thrill of getting away with was the sexual trigger for her.

This^^^^^^^^^.

Take care of yourself. Do you need space?

There is a lot of talk on SI about the concept of A a being about escape, as in the wayward trying to escape from something about herself, or her life, that she is finding unbearable. We also see a lot of talk about compartmentalization, how a wayward structures an A to create an alternative universe where the betrayed and family are not even in her view.

Neither of those would seem to apply here. You wife is living a life where, even with kids, she has the personal freedom to party all night until 7:00 a.m., in her own home, that has just undergone a $1M renovation.

Also, she conducted the A in her home, with a mutual friend, even texting/sexting in your presence. She did not compartmentalize, at all.

Obviously, the D/R decision is yours. However, the marriages where R has appeared to be most successful are those where the A truly was a highly compartmentalized escape. A cyst, as it were, that can be removed.

This situation would appear to be the opposite, pure cake-eating by a spoiled, entitled person who simply doesn't care.

So my WW just texted me "I finished that book yesterday. It was very insightful and helped me understand a lot. Does your group suggest any others?"

Now that you know the situation, any additional reading recommendations for my WW just 5 days after D-Day?

PS: It was the Linda McDonald book that she read.

INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:49 PM, June 1st (Friday)]

I really suggest not doing any of the finding of the books/resources/IC for her. In fact, I'd detach, do a 180 for a while and focus on yourself.

you cant fix her Joel. only she can. and it's her work to do.

Joel you were dealt a lot of crap I feel for you buddy hang in there be strong for your kids. Just remember your wife needs to face consequences before even think about reconciling with her.? I don’t know how you could after you knowing all that she’s done to your family and you. Be advised After hearing how comfortable she acted around your family and you, this affair is definitely not her first, she’s too much of a pro acted way too comfortable while conducting her affair. sorry buddy... there should be more people coming that could give you more book titles for you and your WW to read.

[This message edited by trojan007 at 6:39 AM, June 1st (Friday)]

This was about being hot and doing what she wanted. You were never to find out.

Exactly. And spoiled and entitlement comes to mind and having the freedom to do as she pleases and not having accountability.

As I had stated in my earlier post, I believe her lifestyle and attention from others has gone to your WW head which in return dulled her feelings toward you and her kids and the daily hum drum of being a housewife. What gets to me is how she could allow this man (her good friends husband) to cross the boundries of her marriage and friendship? This is a real concern to me.

Your WW wife has shown complete disrespect,lack of interest in the family structure, spoiled behavior and entitlement toward you. I can only imagine your WW is going to tell you that she was bored and felt stagnant in her marriage and in a weak moment, she allowed her good friends husband, who obviously is good at manipulating, to seduce her-a walk on the wild side, so to speak.

Sorry, I just don't buy into that. Your WW made a promise to God and you, to remain faithful to you. She should have come to you with her concerns and what was going on in her mind. I believe that there is something more underlying going on here with your wife, a severe personality defect. Remember, she got caught.

If you are going to go down the reconciliation path, the two of you are going to have to dig deeper into the why's and how she allowed her boundries to dissolve and why you are so forgiving toward her behavior? It is not time for forgiveness. All of this that is going on is so new. You really need take the time to comprehend all of this before any decision about the future of your marriage is made.

I know that you love and adore your wife but she needs to be held accountable for the choices she made and the destruction of your marriage and family dynamics, otherwise it will continue to be easy for yet another man to seduce her because she is "bored, is spoiled, feels above others, shows entitlement, is starving for attention and accepts another man's advances, etc., (esp. from her good friends husband)." Trust me, I understand what it is like to be an aerobics/fitness instructor and receive the adoration from others. It is still not an excuse that she let her guard down.

Sir, it seems to me that you are not understanding the seriousness of what your WW wife did against your marriage and the family structure. You are only beginning to scratch the surface of the seriousness of what she has done. This is very fresh and I believe that you are in shock.

I hope that you continue to post here.

I'm not so sure about you sharing your family issues in detail with your work is a good idea. Maybe just keep it simple and if you feel compelled to say anything, tell your employer that you are having some family problems at home and leave it at that.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 7:07 AM, June 1st (Friday)]

Joel, I’m sorry you find yourself here, but happy you found us. You’ve received and followed a lot of good advice so far, and you’re making good progress in getting out of infidelity. I would like to add a few points based on what I’ve read about WWs since I started reading here in late 2016.

Do not rush to reconcile. See below for further reasons.

Even though you’ve done your best to extract the truth from her, you still may not have it all. For example, the previous affairs question, she may (correctly) think you’d D her if she admitted more affairs, so she’s willing to chance it on a poly. If she gets caught she will still get a D, so same result in her mind.

Do not attempt to do the work for her (I.e., books, IC, other resources). She needs to own this and it will take some time for her to realize the damage she has done. This is also a good way to evaluate her resolve in working toward R which is a rocky path that takes two commited people to navigate successfully. Point her in the right direction and then back off. However, keep an eye on what she’s reading so you’ll know who’s advice she is listening to.

Your story reminds me of the stories of waitedwaytoolong, ambivalentone, and I’m sure others. I recommend you read their profiles and threads and see what lessons you can take away from them. Focus on stories of BH with WW and look at the patterns in them. You’ll soon see why people are saying the things they are about your current situation. When you’re ready, go read the stories of WW on the Wayward Side. You will see remorseful WW who have it mostly figured out and you will see clueless noobie WW flailing in vain to get their lives back to the way it was before D day. Some even miss the AP, for months... Remember your WW is more than likely like the latter than the former.

Stop being nice to her. She literally fucked over you and her best friend. In your house! With you home! She’s not a good person, at the very least right now she isn’t. Emotionally detach from her in the near term and get ready for an anger phase that frequently sets in about 6 months after D day and it may last awhile. Your anger is justified, don’t feel ashamed of it.

Good luck whatever your pathway out of infidelity, you deserved better.

has she ever read not just friends?

she has horrible boundaries.

has she stopped all contact with her lover?

she chose him over you.

go see the attorney. let her read D papers based upon being a *****. the d papers should be a good read for her?

she can pay for the poly. and for counseling for your kids.

have her move out and separate. let her go back to the OM and live in his truck.

Joel, this your life, not ours. We hurt for you and want you to heal ASAP. That is not going to happen. Some people suffer from a form of ptsd after this. Take your time. Decisions can be put off until you come out of the true fog. Not the one cheaters claim to have. When you are in shock the only thing still working is your autonomic nervous system. It keeps your heart and lungs working. It allows digestion, probably poorly. Your liver still functions, your muscles do but your ability to take charge right now is faulty because you are in shock. There is a lot of painfully gotten information here and at some point you can take it all in. Until then just look after your health. You need to stay hydrated. Please don’t drink alcohol . A doctor might prescribe you some medication so take it but don’t depend on anything else. Exercise. Sometimes you just actually have to run the hurt out of your body. Take care.

Dear Joel,

I totally agree with “Hurtmyhart”. You have yet to scratch the surface. In what I’ve read, the only regret your wife has is getting caught. You wife has shown such a lack of respect by having sex with the OM while you were in the house. I agree with the other posters with the following.

1.) Have a discussion with your attorney to consider all options.

2.) Ask her to move out for a period of time so you can evaluate the situation.

3.) Surround yourself with your sibling, they will give you comfort (that is what I did).

You wife has lost all moral respect and her boundaries are non-existence. Take your time in making those crucial decisions. IC is a good first step and always know that this isn’t your fault.

Best

Bigheart

Hi Joel,

If your wife Googles ‘How to help your spouse heal from your affair’, it will bring up 868,000 results. Not only is that the title of a popular book that gets recommended in these forums, but it also brings up a myriad of webpages on the same subject, which in turn will lead to other resources. It will be a good project for her.

I think what many people here worry about is that your wife may be asking you what is required to fix you, rather than applying her own thoughts and energy to it.

Also, no sentient human being with a brain needs to be told that bringing another man into the house and having sex with him while her husband and children are in the house is really not good behaviour, do they? So please don’t let her play the wide-eyed naïve innocent; she did a lot of things that indicate she revelled in the ‘badness’ of the deceit, and that is a worrying character trait to have to deal with.

It is worrying enough if someone makes the decision to cheat because they feel neglected, ignored, or distant, but if they cheat because they enjoy the deceit and betrayal of it, and revel in getting one over on their spouse and their affair partner’s spouse, that is major issue that goes beyond infidelity. That is why so many people here are getting exercised about it.

However, as an engineer, with a logical approach to these things, I understand completely why you want to know about the various resources or techniques that have been found to work. What you need to bear in mind is that just because someone reads a book, and says, “I learnt a lot from that”, or, “That was revealing”, really does not prove that they learnt anything at all. And heaven knows, your wife has an awful lot of work to do to prove that she is worth you devoting the rest of your life to her after what she has proven about herself. Apologies to put it that way, Joel, but you are the person I am concerned about, not your WW.

You are definitely intelligent enough to devise your own agenda to supplement the existing books and resources, and set her challenges like:

- You really took a wicked delight in sh*tting on me and the AP’s wife, didn’t you? What are you going to do about that?

Seriously, put it that bluntly to her. Make her work. Make her engage. Make her answer for herself, not lift words out of books, or copy behaviours that she thinks will give the appearance of being reformed or remorseful.

Perhaps I am too cynical, or perhaps I have been here too long, but a lot of her shock and comments in the wake of discovery are about what she stands to lose, how she has been shunned and outcast, how she wants to move, etc. There seems to have been precious little in the way of apologies to you, or self-criticism for doing so much damage to you and the family your children are growing up in. I may be mis-reading that, and maybe she has done that, and you haven’t posted it, but you be careful not to project any feelings onto her if what she is really doing is feeling sorry for herself, and trying to save herself from losing her pampered lifestyle.

A lot of betrayed spouses will say things like, “She/he isn’t saying much, but I could really tell that she/he was truly sorry for the pain that she caused me and the children as she begged me not to cancel the life insurance policy that will pay him/her two million dollars as the sole beneficiary if I die in an accident”. Yes, an exaggerated example, but it illustrates the principle.

Joel, please do not project what you wish she would feel onto her, and listen to her actions, not her words.

You asked about books, so here are a few that may be good for you, rather than her. If she is capable of running exercise classes and conducting an affair in her own home, with her family sleeping around her, she is more than capable of doing her own research!

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Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by LMFT Rona B. Subotnik

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman

Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild and Affair-proof Your Marriage by Steven D. Solomon

After the Affair, Updated Second Edition: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis A. Spring

I Can't Get Over My Partner's Affair: 50 Questions About Recovering from Extreme Betrayal and the Long-Term Impact of Infidelity by Andrew G. Marshall

And if – and ONLY if – your wife proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is worthy of you devoting more of your life to her:

Healing from Infidelity: The Divorce Busting Guide to Rebuilding Your Marriage After an Affair by Michele Weiner-Davis

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Joel, it is an engineer’s instinct to fix problems using the required tools and equipment, but please bear in mind that you cannot ‘fix’ your wife if she has character flaws or issues with honesty and fidelity. Only she can do that. By all means be supportive, but the first part of your journey has to be to let her prove that she is a fit and worthy candidate for reconciliation, and that she – independently – proves that she understands what was wrong with her actions, and why she would not repeat them again. These things take time, but if she wants the marriage, she will put the work in.

I apologise if any of this sounds harsh. It would be lovely to be able to suggest a book list or course of therapy that would guarantee that she will be fixed and become trustworthy again, but infidelity is a much messier problem, and you really need to be convinced by her actions and thoughts before you commit to reconciliation. I say that not to knock her, but because I care about you, and every other victim of betrayal. We have to be very, very sure before we take a cheater back into the fold.

Everyone here is rooting for you, and if some of our posts urge caution, it is only because we don’t want you to be duped or hurt any further.

Joel1111,

You have been provided a lot of view points and opinions. Please follow the SI motto of "take what you need and leave the rest."

Regarding books:

For her,

"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass

For you, if you are able to read given all the emotions you are experiencing,

"Love Must Be Tough," by James Dobson

You may wish to read "Not Just Friends" before "Love Must Be Tough" if you and your wife are discussing what you are learning as part of the healing process.

Both are good books in my opinion that I found helpful in my life.

I hope you’re doing okay today, Joel.

I have no idea whether this is her first affair, or 50th. Only she, and possibly you, know that. Personally, I think it’s unwise for me, a third party, to project that she has definitely, or not had another affair. I do, however, think it’s wise for a third party to recommend that this needs to be explored.

In doing so, you’ll need to better define what you think is an affair. Is an affair only PIV sex to you? Does it include sexual touching\groping, etc? Or does it also include non-sexual flirting, and light touching, or kissing, as well? You may find that your definition differs from your WW’s. So she, for example, may have only answered “no” to having any other affairs during your questioning because she had hasn’t had PIV sex with another, while still kissing others.

Others have given numerous books for her to read, so I won’t address that question. Nevertheless, as has been stated above, she needs to begin undertaking the work herself. So, after this lifeline, I strongly suggest that you nicely convey to her that she needs to start doing this work by herself. Beyond the initial work you’ve done, you cannot be her rescuer. She has to rescue herself.

P.S. Take a look at the Karpman Drama Triangle to learn more about being a victim, vs. being a rescuer, vs. being a persecutor. You need to stay away from being a rescuer with your WW, and she cannot act as the victim, beyond the initial point of being pulled into the boat, from the stormy seas.