SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are confusing best sex with an adolescent’s brain. The intensity I was referring to was not about the sex act. I was referring to being about 15 years old a climbing out the window in the middle of the night. It gets you revved up. There is euphoria in sneaking around, texting, sexting. It is not real.

This was not real. I make no excuses for her cheating. What I am trying to get you to understand is that how you look has nothing to do with it. She just lost her mind for a while. Please stop worrying about his body. It isn’t real either. It is a made up body that he puts an enormous amount of time working on. He makes money looking good.

I guess my first question and bit of advice is "are you ready to lose her and if not, you should be" before you ask any questions.

She needs to understand that you are on your way out anyway, and her only chance of keeping the marriage going is if she is totally honest with you.

Then you should ask her everything - all of your questions plus what positions, sex aids, new tricks, things she did for him, anal, oral - all of that. You need to get every single detail from her and she has to answer honestly and without reservation. Tell her not to spare your feelings and be honest. As I said this will only work if she realises that you are on your way out of the marriage and she has a very small chance of reconciling and that is only if she is 100% honest.

And it is way too soon for you to decide on reconciliation. It would be useful to know if her scumbag trainer dumped her.

Maybe a poly would help after you ask her.

Is W more influential in your marriage. Looks like she was sure that nothing would happen because her affair. Read the numeroeus storries here on what happens after a reconciliation without remorse or proper repurcussions. Every story is different. But if this is let go easily you may be going to face even more heartache in future. Never show emotions in front of someone who did not care for your welfare. If she is so into superficial looks and values, use it to your advantage. She is past her prime as you say and do not rugsweep. Also hope you inform the employer of the POS

[This message edited by goalong at 6:13 PM, June 17th (Sunday)]

The night she told me was the worst night of her life

Very, very doubtful. Going back for twelfths? Yeah...but, no...no it wasn't. Her worst night was the night that OM dumped her.

As for the questions....she wants to stay with you bc plan A wouldn't take her. So of course every answer will be what you want it to be. Asking her may help you heal, but will be pointless.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 7:21 PM, June 17th (Sunday)]

I have a few things to add. I am very pragmatic about this concept of best sex of their lives.

1. This sex would never continue. They had sex 12 times in his crappy apartment. This is not appealing long term. Which is why she told you. The first time was great. The second time great. Each time she walked into crappy apartment and saw the personal trainers life. The glow was fading. Now she is in the midst of an affair... what is going to happen? Back to personal trainers crappy apartment. He is feeling comfortable. So he starts acting more like the asshole he is. Your wife has been in a loving relationship. She isn’t liking PT in real life crappy apartment.

2. I find it extremely hard believe out of all the people who meet in the world and have sex, two people who decide to have the affair all of a sudden are having the BEST sex of their life. I don’t believe it. I am 42 years old. I have been having sex since I was 19. I have had great sexual encounters with all of my partners except for one. In my 16 year marriage the sex has ebbed and flowed. It’s been amazing, hot, and not amazing and NOT hot.

3. You sound like a man who takes a great deal of pride and pleasure from pleasing his wife. This is extremely important to you. This doesn’t need to change because she had a shitty affair in a crappy personal trainers apartment. You are glorifying this affair. You aren’t seeing it as I see it. Again, I am 42. My social circle includes personal trainers, bored women and insecure housewives. This is a situation that lost its glitter rather quickly. It was shit on a stick. The sad truth is your wife is now the joke that slept with the personal trainer.

4. The best thing you can do in this situation. Start working out. Don’t accept any crap from her. She needs to figure out why being the joke with the personal trainer was more important than her integrity.

5. Does she realize this PT has slept with 100s of women and does this with all his clients? Does she understand she isn’t special and just threw away her integrity and marriage for a piece of shit?

6. Stop worrying about the size of his dick. It doesn’t matter. He is shit on a stick. He has a shit dick. I don’t think you are grasping how EWWW this guy is. Again the question is—why doesn’t your wife care about EWWW?

So of course every answer will be what you want it to be

Yes - this.

I needed to know everything and I still do. My wife told me what she thinks is enough but still withholds and minimizes the truth. The mistake I (and most of us make) made is asking her the questions face-to-face. This gave her the chance to read my facial and vocal expressions along with my body language. She used this to guide her to answers that were less likely to make me vomit and then divorce her. So please write down your questions and have her write down her answers. When you give her the questions tell her this is her one chance to tell you the truth about all of the details that you need to know. I hope you get the truth - good luck.

Edit: One thing - she didn't "lose her mind for a while". She planned to fuck this guy and she did it at least a dozen times. This is not temporary insanity...

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 7:51 PM, June 17th (Sunday)]

Edit: One thing - she didn't "lose her mind for a while". She planned to fuck this guy and she did it at least a dozen times. This is not temporary insanity...

Exactly. She just finally find the right guy.

Yes, I have got to agree with Iwantmyglasses, she is spot on. She was looking for validation from a younger good looking guy, but the Abquickly lost its luster. Stop obsessing about the sex. It wasn’t about the sex but more about the ego kibbles and feeling that she still “had it” to a younger guy. The POS gets off doing this with older women.

I agree that your WW is humiliated by her terrible decision and is now the cliched joke with the personal trainer. She needs to be in IC to figure out why she is so weak to fall for this. You are never plan b, but she turned herself into plan zzz for this POS trainer. Why? Be vigilant and make sure you do not rugsweep this. She has a lot of work to do to demonstrate she is truly remorseful for doing this. Good luck.

You are never plan b

Sorry, but if the WS knows that D is a possibility if they're caught cheating, and they then decide that "the juice was worth the squeeze" and still go thru with it, they most definitely did choose AP over their spouse.

You are never plan b, but she turned herself into plan zzz for this POS trainer

YES and YES

She needs to be walking around in shame. She is a joke.

and yes anyone who cheats is a joke. As a matter of fact. When my 45 year old husband had his affair with his older than me AP. I made fun of him for that.

Seriously, husband....you couldn’t get a younger woman??????

if that was the best sex of her life and you don;t think you can compete (you probably can but at this point may not think you can't, the just dump her ass.

It's not you who cheated. She better be on her hands and knees praying and promising you everything you need right now.

Otherwise, it's crocodile tears keeping you in with her while she protrects her affair.

My husband always minimized and said it wasn't about the sex, but that is stupid, of course it is about the sex or they wouldn't continue to have sex. He tends to be the most honest when he is angry and about 4 months after D-day he yelled that he LOVED the sex that it was great and I believe him. As far as details, I didn't ask most but still haven't ruled it out.

As hard as it is to accept, I find it best to believe that a WS will lie when they think they can get away with it.

Was the sex with the AP better than with the BS?

There's absolutely no way you will ever find out if the WS is lying. There's no evidence. Did the WS tell the AP they were the best? Maybe, but was it true, or was it said simply to keep the ego kibbles coming?

Are we BS's our WS plan B? Of course they will say no, and there is no way we can know the truth of it. We can be sure that for at least the length of the affair, we were plan B. But now, who knows?

This is one of the hells we BS have to live with. The uncertainty. All that we can be sure of with our WS is that they are skilled liars, and have a moral culture loose enough that it allows them to profoundly betray us.

Is there any point in asking our WS a question they can answer with a lie and easily get away with it?

I once asked my WW: tell me something about the affair that I don't know. Her response was: I don't know what you don't know. And she didn't answer. So you see the games some WS can play.

All we can do - IN MY OPINION - is accept what we know, and deal with it within or without the marriage as best we can.

[This message edited by nightmare01 at 8:29 PM, June 17th (Sunday)]

Thanksgiving2016:

I agree it was all about the sex for my wife. At first I was crushed it was probably great sex. She didnt go back 11 times for poor sex.

I can now accept she had great sex. It kills me to think it was the best sex of her life. It literally kills me.

It also kills me to think another man put a larger penis than mine into her vagina after 27 years of being together but that is a different problem.

MilwaukeeMike42:

I am sorry you are going through this agony due to your WW’s infidelity. You need to get the answers to any questions or concerns about the A you may have, and your WW should willingly answer your concerns without defensiveness. But as others have said you know the answers to subjective questions will always be let’s say”shaded” toward what you want to hear. That is human nature.

Your WW needs to be in IC to work on her brokenness to do such a betrayal for such seemingly shallow reasons I.e. ego kibbles and validation that she is still attractive to a younger man. It truly is pathetic but sadly, too frequent in both men and women of a certain age.

But looking at a possible brighter side to this: consider that the POS trainer may have dumped your WW when he realized she was choosing to have sex with you 3-4 times per week during the six week A, but only twice a week with him, and he was only her plan b. Just sayin.

I think betrayed men have a harder time getting past the sex than women. Not all but generally speaking. I told my husband that I know for a fact if I were the one who had cheated he would never get over it and that we couldn't recover. he said he wasn't sure but I have no doubt about it. The fact that he had oral sex with her actually devastates me more because to me its extremely intimate and I felt was extremely special. I know every way he is different sexually than before and haven't asked but I attribute it all to the affair. He still won't tell me what he does and doesn't like about sex with me and had no problem with her. he wants me to talk dirty during sex. started asking me to during the affair before I knew. I am somewhat shy sexually but have never turned him down for anything and had started to do this but now that I know deep down - I never asked- that they did it, I can't. i try to enjoy the moment but especially afterward i still cry sometimes. but fewer and farther between. for what its worth, and no man ever believes it not even my WH. it has NOTHING to do with size. Nothing. she hasn't stuck around for this long because you have a tiny D. Be Strong. You can work past it. it will be brutal but the two of you can.

Thanksgiving2016:

You wrote:

"I think betrayed men have a harder time getting past the sex than women. Not all but generally speaking. I told my husband that I know for a fact if I were the one who had cheated he would never get over it and that we couldn't recover."

I agree with your statement. Why do you think this is ?

I think there are many contributing factors including:

1) Male jealousy is lethal

2) Male competitiveness is higher than female competitiveness

3) Society tells us women should be less promiscuous than men so female promiscuity is less acceptable

4) Male ego tells us we are weak if we forgive them.

5) This one is somewhat sexist but I think the vagina is a far more intimate sex organ than a penis ( inside vs outside sex organs ). The fact that my wife let another men inside of her body is horrifying.

6) No body part on a female really affects the quality of sex like penises. Penis size and shape does play a part for some women. Female bodies do not have a similar body part that affects male pleasure.

In general, you see BH's having difficulty getting past the sex. In general, you see BW's having difficulty getting past the love. It's because for women, sex is plentiful, like air. Any woman of ordinary attractiveness can get sex simply by going out into the world. In fact, most women spend their lives deflecting and rejecting sex. Women do the choosing. When a married woman chooses to have secret sex with a man who is not her husband, it is a sexual rejection of her husband.

Were there any instances where she denied you sex because she either had recently had sex with the POSOM or was planning to soon have sex with him?

ButForTheGrace:

You wrote:

"Were there any instances where she denied you sex because she either had recently had sex with the POSOM or was planning to soon have sex with him?"

No. She didnt reject me once during the six week affair. We continued having sex about 3-4 times per week. I wish she would have rejected me for sex during the the six week affair because I get massively grossed out thinking that she and I must have had sex on some of the same days she had sex with him.

Certainly, she was coming home to me twice per week and kissing me on the mouth after she had sex with him ( and I assume oral ). We always kiss after work and kiss at bedtime even if we dont have sex.

She used condoms some of the time but not all of the time. She and I never use condoms so it is possible I had sex with her on the same days he had sex with her without a condom.

If you want to totally freak out think about this: It is possible I had sex with her after he ejaculated into her vagina 6-8 hours earlier on several occasions.

These are the kinds of details that absolutely killed me the first four months after Dday.

It took about 4 months to systematically go through every nightmare sex detail and compare it to the option of divorce after being together for 27 years. I decided I can accept anything and everything for one six week block out of 27 years.

Nonetheless, the things that kill my soul are the possibilities that she had better sex with him in any way, shape or form. ( IE: Better rough sex, bigger penis, anything. If he is now her best sex ever it would kill my soul forever )

I am a little smaller than average in that department

And you know this how?