SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a hard working middle management guy who saved hard to move to a new posh locality and a beautiful new home with all the worldly amenities to enjoy life.

In one of the house warmings, we came across a couple from across the house and then we meet them a couple of times socially post that.

One day I realized my wife was not paying attention to daily chores after her office and spending a lot of time with the phone and not letting it go and I naturally get curious. Tried to gleam through the messages history at night while she used the washroom and found it erased.

The monthly phone bill arrived and i could see some unusual calls.... and I have a suspect AP.

I used web - whatsapp to mirror her whatsapp for a day and my world has come crashing down.

It is the neighbour!!!

I done know if it is EA or PA but it is new, ... maybe 1-2 months old.

I can kill myself. Or i can kill her or maybe kill him.

StungbutStrong.

I am sorry you had to join our club and are now victim of infidelity. You will survive this. We all do. It is painful and an emotional rollercoaster to put it bluntly.

And you need to be there for your children. They need one rational parent.

Your wife right now (during the A) is not the sAme person you married. You will see behavior from her that may shock you.

Please know that the typical cheater behavior is somewhat predictable unfortunately.

She will say things like she cheated because of you. As in “you were not there for her”. You didn’t support her. You didn’t show her enough attention. All that crap.

She will justify her cheating - and the justifications will be ridiculous. I’ve read so many excuses for an Affair, like “it just happened” to complete denial of the A (even though the betrayed spouse has proof).

You need to realize you cannot reason with a cheater. Most will continue to lie to your face. It’s funny how the cheater goes from “no affair” to “okay we kissed but it was only once” to “we never had sex” to “we only had sex once and it was terrible” to finally admitting they had sex over the last 6 months often. With the Affair Partber.

I suggest finding g a counselor to help you deal with this. It can help save your sanity.

Read up on the 180 UTurn - google it. In the upper left corner there is a Healing Library (yellow box). It contains excellent advice.

The 180 has multiple purposes and can protect you. It also lets your wife know that she is not fooling anyone. And you no longer have to be her H if she continues to cheat.

I wish you the best. The road to Reconciliation is long but successful if both parties are committed to it.

thanks The1stWife for your supporting words.

Of course i cant kill myself, what will happen to my kids!!!!

I am not able to think right now but I guess my first priority is to collect enough proof to confront my WW.

I cant even bear to think about the betrayal. I can't imagine this is happening to me!!!

Leave aside M, what will happen to my sons! They deserved better! I cant believe it is already past tense.

I feel like a loser. I thought we were the happiest family in the world!

Confront now hoping it is not PA yet. This is family you do not need like iron clad evidence

I agree with goalong,

it maybe not PA yet, confront now, you do not have to say what evidence you have or what is it is.

I would also urge you to collect what information you have and contact his wife.

Blow it up.

rule #1 in confronting: never reveal your sources. NEVER. "I'm not going to tell you how I know" repeat as needed

rule #2 don't share that you are here on SI. Keep this your private safe space.

I'm sorry you are here but this is a wonderful space to get the help you need to sort out what to do.

Since you have enough evidence to KNOW what you know, tell the neighbor's wife ASAP. She needs to know what her WH is doing. The best way to kill an affair is sunlight and lots of it.

I assume you are being dramatic about all the killing. Work on shutting down such thoughts. Put them out of your head immediately, they are not useful and lingering on the idea is dangerous.

I second the advise of getting a therapist. Not that you need a shrink per se, but you are dealing with a major psychological trauma in discovering infidelity and having it blow your world apart. You are angry, you are going to go through a whole range of feelings. You need somebody to help you process all this in a healthy way and chart your path forward so you can regain your happiness.

Sorry you are here. goalong is spot on. You don’t need more proof, but you do need to tell the OM’s wife what is going on. Good luck.

Thanks for all these words of advise. Mean the world to me at this juncture. I am like a deer in headlights.

I seriously am shaking continuously with I dont know if it is anger or disappointment or rage or what.

No killings. I am a peaceful guy, dont even own a gun. I cannot kill anybody and I am not that weak that I will kill myself. The kill thought did strike me, actually that was the first thought that struck me.

I did not want to believe in the truth, was hoping against hope I wasnt reading what i did!!

I dont have the heart for confrontation today. I am not calm, i am disoriented.

Sorry you had to join us :(

I'm not sure about confronting now. The rule of thumb is that if they can meet, they fuck. Neighbors, 1 month affair? I would say chances that this is not PA are close to zero. I suggest you monitor her for at least couple more days to understand the level of betrayal. Maybe even create opportunity for them to meet up and see if they take the bait - e.g. go somewhere with your kids, and have PI watching them, ready to intervene if he comes to your house.

Most of betrayed spouses later regret confronting too early - it usually allows WS to destroy all evidence, etc.

Also, most of BSes later regret that they reacted too weakly. I advocate hitting WS with a full force upon confrontation. So that it snaps him/her out of "affair fog" (or whatever you want to call that shit). You are definitely not in a good place for confrontation yet.

If you decide to confront:

1. Do not reveal your sources. Do not reveal extent of your knowledge. Let her talk.

2. Get two VARs. One on you for confrontation, other in her car - if she decides to go for a ride "to clear her head" to call AP.

3. Have initial boundaries ready. No contact with AP should be absolute boundary. Define for yourself what consequences will be for violating NC. Stick to your boundaries. NC letter/message to AP is optional (because it doesn't mean shit if WW (wayward wife) doesn't want to end affair).

4. Arrange evidence to be delivered to OBS (other betrayed spouse) at the same time you confront your WW. This way you will make coordinating their lies a lot more complicated. If OBS is cooperative, you can later compare notes. Think about providing some evidence to OBS, but it would be ideal if you still kept your main source secret (because most likely OBS will show it to her WH (wayward husband)).

Good luck on your journey through hell. Please, please, listen to advice on this forum, don't learn from your mistakes, learn from ours :(

My suggestion talk with someone close to you and you can trust (if you feel vulnerable). Your W has a seroius character flow to do this after all these positive things in your family. The houses are close by and the spouses (BSs) are not always at home. Opportunities ane abound. You are suffering either way as keeping it inside is toture. Confronting (in a calm manner ) at least give you a sense of heading some where

1. Never reveal your source

2. Light that shit on fire. Leave a nuclear ring around you. Go to his wife first, he family second and then let her come to you third.

Sunlight is the best disinfectant

It sounds like you possibly have the means to hire a good P.I. If so, do it! You will then have solid proof.

And yes, the OP's spouse must be told.

Know that the horrible emotions you are feeling right now are very normal. We all felt like the world had ended on our d-days. Right now you are the sane parent, so make your focus keeping the house running as best as you can. Chances are your WW is not thinking of much besides herself right now.

I am so sorry you are here, but know you are among friends who can help you through this.

[This message edited by OneInTheSame at 7:02 AM, July 13th (Friday)]

stungbutstrong:

Trust your gut! Always!

Something to think about. Assuming your WW’s behavior is exactly what you think it is, do you think there is anyway in hell you will be able to stay in that house knowing the guy across the street wants to have sex with your WW. The situation would be intolerable. Now selling the house and moving can not solve your WW’s brokenness if indeed she is cheating. She can always cheat with a new guy in a new location if that is her mindset. She needs to get in to IC to determine why she is capable of doing this. But I think a “For Sale” sign in front of the house would be a wake up call. Think about it. How are you going to be able to continue to live in that neighborhood with the two of them in such close proximity? Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 8:00 AM, July 10th (Tuesday)]

Stung. I want to suggest counseling for you b/c when my H came home and admitted the A (yes he did) I was stunned but at least felt he was honest.

Of course he minimized the whole thing. And two weeks later wanted a D. He was walking out the door! We were on the fast track to a D.

My therapist saved my sanity. He guided me through the process. He suggested mediators and fees and telling the children. I never thought about telling the children. It was devastating.

He also helped us R. Not “us” as a couple but me. He told me where I was making a mistake. How my thought process could be different.

And yes after that being his 2nd A and False Reconciliation where he was still cheating and I thought the A was over and was trying to repair the damage, a second DDAY and my telling him I was D him because I could no longer live with his cheating - we reconciled.

It’s been 5 years. We are very happy. He changed. He understands the damage he caused and the pain. He tries every day to undo the damage. He has shown me by his actions from DDay 2 that our M is important and that he was/is committed to R.

This is so emotionally charged and it doesn’t help your W is lying 🤥. And cheating. And will gaslight and deny and justify and basically act like a three year old that wants a toy she cannot have.

Cheaters do not care about the pain they cause. Hard to believe but true. The crap my H said - unbelievable with some extra curse words thrown in. Seriously delusional stuff.

One example. True story. He wasn’t sure he wanted a D. So he told me he was going to let me know at the end of the summer what he decided. So I was expected to be “ok” with him continuing to cheat. Not going to happen in this lifetime.

Hahahaha he was so completely delusional!!!

I just want you to be prepared for what you may be facing.

And having someone in your corner who can navigate this with you can help you in more ways than you can imagine.

I wish you the best and I hope your W comes to her senses soon.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:11 AM, July 10th (Tuesday)]

The murder spree thoughts are normal, just don't dwell on them. Stay away from booze! That's the best advice anyone can give you right now!

Are you in amazing shape? If not, that's your goal now. Work on yourself. Hit gym 6x a week and eat/drink clean 100% of the time. Take your anger out in the gym by lifting heavy.

Secondly, definitely get more evidence. If you can read her WhatsApp conversations, you'll find out quickly everything. You may want to buy a VAR and start recording her where she's talking to him, usually a car. Do this quickly and then go talk to his wife. Time to get another set of eyes and then expose to everyone.

Inform his wife without warning immediately

Whatever you do you file for Divorce that’s the only way you can take back the power In your now destroyed marriage. It doesn’t mean you have go through with the divorce, but I don’t know why you wouldn’t divorce her she betrayed you.

Do YOU believe you have sufficient proof that can’t be gaslit or denied or explained away?

1. Make sure you gather evidence. Look into Dr. Fone and/or Phonerescue to recover deleted texts (if it is an iPhone, you may be able to get them from icloud as well if she backs up the phone regularly).

This may be useful if you divorce, it will definitely be useful if you attempt reconciliation. Do not let on as to how much you know or how... she will lie, they all do. I would not confront her until you have ironclad proof, but I also know that is tough. When you do confront her, make sure you are in control of yourself. This talk of killing people is completely understandable, but also potentially dangerous. You need to be stronger and more in control than you've ever been right now.

2. After you have the evidence, I would talk to the OM's betrayed wife. She deserves to know, she'll be your best ally in ending this and potentially a source of information. This could be done before confronting your wife or right after, but realize they will try to get their stories straight etc. after they know you know.

3. Again, you must calm down. You can't make it better with rage (understandable as it is, I've been there), but you can make it a hell of a lot worse. I'm speaking to the legal repercussions, but it could also complicate other aspects of this.

4. Talk to a lawyer and find out where you stand. If you live in a fault-based state, they will likely recommend a PI to gather evidence in a divorce. If that is the way you want to go, then you can't confront your wife first or it will make it very hard to catch her (and much more expensive). Also, while it may be the furthest thing from your mind right now, having sex with her is a bad idea if you want to file for divorce based on adultery (if your states allows that) as it usually wipes out that claim (its called condonation).

5. Take care of yourself. This is a brutal ride, make sure you sleep, eat and exercise, this will be grueling.

Read up on this site and keep posting, there is a lot of great info and advice. Sorry you're here and sorry for your pain.

Please, please, listen to advice on this forum, don't learn from your mistakes, learn from ours :(

This.