SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So WS knows D is going to happen, I'm just waiting on the money to submit the petition now which should be in the next few days.

Reaction was that WS was expecting this anyway from my previous communications and is being co-operative towards my amicable approach. When the shits laid out in front of her that may change, but so far it seems she wanted this too.

I will post more if I need to, but again thanks for the responses.

Well you should look at your original post title and feel proud that far from being helpless you took affirmative action and have proven yourself anything but a hostage to events.

Who knows how she will react but I don't think she left you any other option.

Don't leave this site, you'll find invaluable advice all the way through the process and sometimes just a sympathetic shoulder.

Her reaction after discovery tells you everything. She continued seeing the guy. That is all you need to know. You should expose her to everyone and divorce her. She likes the other guy more than you and she is too much of a shitbag to leave you.

Mantorok I dont usually post in this section but after reading your thread felt you are doing your best with how much betrayal your wife laid on you. Sorry for your pain. You will get through this ( even though your heart feels differently at the moment). I may have overlooked it but do you have someone to lean on, that can support you through this? It can make quite a difference in your healing and moving on from infidelity. Glad you found SI, there are some wonderful members here.

Forgot another thought. This newly betrayed man arrived on the 15th. Its now the 19th. Some of the caustic posts at him just have me smdh. Grow a pair, man up, your wallowing, mocking him for being confused. He isn't in line at a tacobell drive through.

I will post more if I need to, but again thanks for the responses.

You will find we are all in slightly different situations, but this forum is for those of us who had someone betray us and basically ignore the marriage boundaries. You will always have a place to post your feelings and ask for advice if you want it.

Forgot another thought. This newly betrayed man arrived on the 15th. Its now the 19th. Some of the caustic posts at him just have me smdh. Grow a pair, man up, your wallowing, mocking him for being confused. He isn't in line at a tacobell drive through.

I don't mind the bluntness, but yeah with everything so fresh in my mind and all the emotions and confusion it was difficult, the gaslighting was a bitch for me, I was doubting my own perceptions and I guess ultimately was my downfall.

But one thing that resonated with me was that most on here wished they had acted sooner. Now I can see why, looking back at what I've gone through since D-day a lot of it could've been avoided had I acted sooner.

Re speed, first of all it's easy to say but not always so easy to do.

My view is that if you are caught actively in infidelity, then you need to act swiftly, and now you nearly have. The priority is not R or D, it's simply to move yourself out of that position.

Once that's achieved, you can take things at a pace that suits you. Don't be rushed by people on SI, by your WW, by anyone, just take your own good time to make the decisions that feel right for you. You are and will remain the priority, everything else is detail.

Montorok:

You have put yourself in a good position to get out of infidelity. Whether you ultimately D or R, time will tell. If you look at my profile you will see that I separated immediately after DDay when my WW confessed, and I filed for D quickly within three weeks of DDay. However, ultimately after five months separated, my WW convinced me by her actions to give the M another chance. I called off the D proceedings and after a period of recovery we ultimately R’d and moved on to a fulfilling M for many years up to this day. You are in a strong position and in control. If you decide to file for D, you can always stop the process if you think it’s wise to do so. It is up to your WW to prove that she is worthy to continue to be married to you. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 3:44 PM, July 19th (Thursday)]

Mantorok, you're doing great.

This stuff is really difficult.

I haven't been posting because WS discovered this thread somehow.

However I need advice. I completely derailed NC last night because I found out she was spending several nights away with him. I had about 1 hours sleep last night after my mind was racing.

Anyhow I got annoyed when she text me something which looked like reaching out but I just shot her down because I'm still so damn angry. She knows I've filed and has made the decision that were now over because of it.

Anyhow I went off the rails demanding where she was and why she was with him. I also started to demand more truths again. It was a complete waist of both of our time and put me back to square one. I'm so fucking angry with myself as I fell into the worst trap and let me emotions get the best of me.

Ive calmed down since but I'm really struggling. I have noone to lean on and dealing with this by myself whilst looking after the children.

How can I avoid falling into this damn trap it's such a fucking setback and I'm really disappointed with myself.

These swings are normal. Your best path forward is to maintain as much NC with her as you can.

That's good to hear.

Her reluctance to admit PA still is what's bothering me the most.

It happens. No matter what I told myself during that time, I still managed to get so angry and let my ww have it.

Put it behind you and move on. That's why we get another day another chance. This stuff is so hard.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 9:56 AM, July 31st (Tuesday)]

Breaking no contact is not a problem at this point. It is part of trying to heal from the pain and trauma while dealing with a wayward spouse. Just let the interaction go. Do not ruminate about what "I should have dones." Stay in the present.

It gets better and easier. I have been No Contact with my wayward wife for awhile. I will have to look and see when the membership put back on my horse. One of the ladies uses this term.

In the divorce forum you will find Chili's detachment guide. Also, we have a vent thread. When we are tempted to break no contact. You can post there instead of talking to your wife. I have found the individuals wonderful and keen in their insight.

If it is what you want, we can help you get to where the only contact you have with her is at the solicitor's. The choice and work will be up to you.

The goal is to get out of infidelity and we will help irregardless of what path your on.

As a guide if it is not about children and immediate family or finances do not make the call or send the text. There is no other reason to talk to her. Sometimes a wayward spouse gets a kick out of injecting themselves back into our lives and knowing there is an emotional connection.

We will be with you as you continue on your journey. Post as often as you wish.

It was good to here from you again mantorok.

Why should she admit to a PA? She is getting what she wanted all along without admitting and making herself the bad person who destroyed a family and marriage.

She is still manipulating you and your anger is allowing it.

Stop expecting or hoping for her to be honest. Not gonna happen.

Sorry to hear about your situation mantorok. I'm a little confused. In your last posts you said you are watching the children and she's out banging the other man. I don't understand why she's not watching the children. My mind keeps thinking that if she's required to watch the children then it hinders her ability to get laid. Am I wrong? So if you have other things to do, like work late or go bowling, or go on a date, then she has to watch the children? I would think that she's lost all of her former privileges at this point, which means that she has to figure out how to get time with the other man on her own, without you helping her by watching the children and allowing her to go out. I suppose in the end it doesn't matter. Just do yourself a favor and untangle yourself from her quickly. Perhaps she could move in with her boyfriend? Getting her out of your life will be the best thing you've ever done for yourself. Continue the 180 and get yourself out of infidelity and take your life back. :)

I'm am sorry for your situation. I don't believe her behavior was caused by anything you did. She is very damaged.

Your wife blew up your marriage.

She's disrespecting the kids as well as you. Neither you (or her) are good marriage role models for your kids...you need to distance yourself from her.

It sounds like you're using her reluctance to admit a PA as an excuse to stay around. She chose another man but is willing to keep you around to babysit and keep house because it's convenient for her (and the OM). Yes you waited too long to go 180 but you don't have to spend one more day as her door mat. Move out and sleep on a park bench if you have to. Put her entirely on her own with no personal contact.

My WS also started reading my threads here and I found it very disconcerting, but eventually I just decided that I could ask questions and get advice without providing a lot of information about my planned actions. I would report on what I'd been doing after the fact and get help from the community here. So please keep posting, you will still find the support useful. Obviously you should deal with the details of filing for D with your lawyer, and she wont be able to sneak into those conversations.

My WS found reading the opinions about him so hurtful that he quit coming to read my threads, poor little thing. So keep posting and keep us updated on her antics, because she's showing us what kind of a low life she really is.

Looks like (from your last post) you are still hoping for a bettr outcome. Your WW is cruel to do this (keep you hanging)to you. So filling did not change her mind and made her to come pleading. That means she think POSOM is better. Do not espond or react to her "reach outs". She is selfish/nacissitic and want to keep you on the hook. Since filling did not change her attitude, show complete disregard to her. Do not even think of R. Even talking to her setting you back. Concetrate more on your other things like job, kids, friends, caring relatives. This will keep the mind on the possitive side, especially when you give extra effort to the job.

If she is out most of the time file for abondenment which will aid in custody

[This message edited by goalong at 2:23 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)]