SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

mantorok, just want to make things specific:

1. Have spoken with a lawyer?

2. Have you done STD tests?

3. Have you bought a VAR and installed it in her, e.g. car (if you need more evidence)?

Well, you could look at it another way, and ask why she would want to fight. At the moment, she is cake-eating, and loving it. There is no point for her to make waves. And she also has to bear in mind that at some point her boyfriend is going to move on, and she has to keep her home base safe.

I think this is it, her first reaction after I accused her of lying and demanding the truth was to comfort me instead of furnishing me with what I needed to know. What bothers me the most is that she lied about sexual activity and knows that I don't have proof so obviously is not going to spill it, and with that in mind she actually thinks its ok to talk to me about him like I'm supposed to be fucking interested or I'm his mate or something!!!

So that tells me - she thinks she's got away with it, otherwise she wouldn't be so calm about continuing to see him.

I've already told her I know shes confiding in him, will she stop? nah, and the hilarious thing is she says she can't talk to me yet because she's "confused", HOWEVER, she's quite happy to spend all the time with him instead.

What a shit sandwich this is.

1. Have spoken with a lawyer?

2. Have you done STD tests?

3. Have you bought a VAR and installed it in her, e.g. car (if you need more evidence)?

1. No, and I won't have time to do this until I return from my break.

2. No, mainly because I'm 100% certain when this started and there was no action between us before and during the time

3. No, because I know if she wants to speak to him she'll visit him, and from now on shes changed the pin on her phone and will actively remove messages etc.

mantorok,

previously you said you do not have proof..

A VAR might provide you with that proof that they are sexually active.

Also install a GPS tracker again will provide proof of where she has been.

I would also consider a VAR for your bedroom.

Putting these in place before you go would be best as she will think she care free then.

[This message edited by Pragmatic at 3:40 AM, July 16th (Monday)]

Mantorok, she is not the one who is confusing me here (she is very much behaving true to type) - you are!!!???!!!

You really need to grow a pair and focus on the right things:

Your "wife" cheated on you when you were newly married and you let her get away with it - so she knows she can.

She has met someone and there should be absolutely no doubt in your mind that they are fucking porn star style every day under your nose! No ED! No "he can't get it up!" etc And again she knows you know but doesn't give a damn.

She plans to fuck whoever she wants and thinks you will just accept it.

You, on the other hand, seem to be concerned about why and what and when instead of taking action. See an attorney and claim back your masculinity at the very least. Protect your finances and assets as well as custody and file for divorce asap.

You need to realise that you don't have a marriage.

Blow up her world and that of the POSOM - to do this gather evidence (although you already have a lot) - tell her family, the kids, friends etc. Tell his wife, family and friends.

Wake up and stop wallowing in this!!!

You need to realise that you don't have a marriage.

I know this, and I know the score, but I want her to admit it, I want her to do something she can't do, I want her to see the pure look of disgust on my face when she admits the truth, I want to be able to pick up what she tells me and throw it well and truly in her face. I deserve that, but I won't wait around for it, I will be filing it's just whether she decides to let it all out before then.

Basically, why should she walk away pain free? Could be my anger talking here...

Also install a GPS tracker again will provide proof of where she has been.

Already have this in the form of google location tracking, but if I'm to follow the 180 plan then I'm not supposed to spy.

1. No, and I won't have time to do this until I return from my break.

2. No, mainly because I'm 100% certain when this started and there was no action between us before and during the time

3. No, because I know if she wants to speak to him she'll visit him, and from now on shes changed the pin on her phone and will actively remove messages etc.

1. At least do this over the phone. Your WW might be already getting her ducks in a row and might use your break as abandonment.

2. Unfortunately, you cannot be 100% certain of anything. This is her second A you caught her. She might have fucked 20 other guys for all you know.

3. What Pragmatic said. Since you have small children, I assume she won't be spending all evenings with him. So VAR in your bedroom might catch some late-night "good night"s and "I luuuuuvrre you"s. GPS is also good idea. Just don't reveal your sources of information to your WW. NEVER. You "Just know". Can you afford PI?

but if I'm to follow the 180 plan then I'm not supposed to spy

"Don't spy" in 180 is in the context that you keep checking where she is just to know. You can spy if you need additional proof, e.g. for divorce (but GPS and VAR proof might not be admissible in court - you should check with a laweyr), additional proof for yourself - so you minimize probability of gaslighting, or e.g. if you know that fucking OM is definite dealbreaker, then you might be easier for you to break from her if you have specific proof, etc. It also helps you, in case she gets out of fog and starts doing work to Reconcile (R) with you - you will have more info to decide if she is being truthful with you and her desire to R is genuine (i.e. by crosschecking what she tells you with what you know).

I know this, and I know the score, but I want her to admit it, I want her to do something she can't do, I want her to see the pure look of disgust on my face when she admits the truth, I want to be able to pick up what she tells me and throw it well and truly in her face. I deserve that, but I won't wait around for it, I will be filing it's just whether she decides to let it all out before then.

The question of 'why?' needs to be asked here.

If you are waiting for her to do this, but you know she will not do this, then you are just kidding yourself.

It is natural to want to avoid such a devastating scenario, but it is unavoidable if you don't want to rug-sweep this.

Ask yourself, 'what are you totally in control of?'...... the answer is, 'yourself'. Get rid of this 'need' for her to admit it. The more you let that 'need' take over, the less action you will take.

As I have mentioned in a post on another thread, YOU are the PRIZE that she has to work for. If she does not see you as the prize, then she will not do the work, and actions speak louder than words. The (in)action will tell you which direction she will be taking, and you can disregard what comes out of her mouth.

As to the issue of getting proof, the more the merrier for VARS. Car, bedroom, living room, study, etc. If you want to make sure that the OM does not come into your house, then a Home Security CCTV system will help with that. If you can hide the cameras from her, that would be the ideal scenario. If she knows they are there, and how to turn them on/off, guess what she would do?

Edit to add: If/When the cameras are exposed, your rationale for them is that they are there to make sure that any home intrusions are captured.... as a safety precaution, of course.

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 4:25 AM, July 16th (Monday)]

What Pragmatic said. Since you have small children, I assume she won't be spending all evenings with him. So VAR in your bedroom might catch some late-night "good night"s and "I luuuuuvrre you"s. GPS is also good idea. Just don't reveal your sources of information to your WW. NEVER. You "Just know". Can you afford PI?

No I can't afford one really, but the VAR would probably get to a bottom of a lot of things, when I was out last night I'm certain she called him so who knows what you could pick up from conversations.

You can also get software for phones that is hidden and can scan and recover deleted stuff. Dr Fone is one. She might think it's all gone but's it probably still in there somewhere.

Your kind of all over the place. You don't want to "spy" be cause it doesn't go along with 180 but... you had drinks with her at her request? If you are still pushing to get her to admit she is having an affair that's not 180 either.

The one think you say you want is proof but you don't want to spy?

The truth is she is never going to admit that she is/was sleeping with him but you do have proof. I believe "sleeping" at his house at their age is enough proof. Phone records are proof, the amount of contact is proof. Her unwillingness to end the relationship even at the cost of her marriage is proof.

I'm worried about your 10 day vacation with no steps toward divorce. She could start packing up belongings, she could take the kids to OM's place, have him over, steal financial records, sell belongings... this 10 days away is not going to be an eye opener for her it's going to be the time she needs to get her ducks in a row. She could go bonkers telling everyone you left her, claiming Abandonment or whatever.

I know this isn't what you want to hear but those 10 days would be better spent getting a lawyer set up, filing, having her served.

If you are dead set on going you I'd want to have the house/car set up with VAR.

^^^^^^ please follow Freeme and the other posters' advice. Your WW controls the narrative and until you take it back you will remain in infidelity. What do you want to do and what are you willing to accept? Once you figure out what you want, develop a plan. Running away and returning to her whenever she calls does not help. If you are not comfortable sharing your wife you are going to have to act. I am sorry she has placed you in this predicament. You are the only one who can get you out of it.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 6:35 AM, July 16th (Monday)]

Once you file, you take control--and the narrative changes. The frivolity evaporates.

That should fill your appetite for revenge.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 6:48 AM, July 16th (Monday)]

Your kind of all over the place. You don't want to "spy" be cause it doesn't go along with 180 but... you had drinks with her at her request? If you are still pushing to get her to admit she is having an affair that's not 180 either.

I only started the 180 yesterday, I've been all over the place before then, I'm gaining some clarity but at the same time I also want to get myself back on track, just me and the kids.

I'm worried about your 10 day vacation with no steps toward divorce. She could start packing up belongings, she could take the kids to OM's place, have him over, steal financial records, sell belongings... this 10 days away is not going to be an eye opener for her it's going to be the time she needs to get her ducks in a row. She could go bonkers telling everyone you left her, claiming Abandonment or whatever.

She can't do that, OM lives 50 miles away and lives in hotels whilst he works here, there is no place she can take the kids, she's expressed no desire to leave and there is no capability for that, this is one thing I'm absolutely certain on.

She's hoping I'll go away and clear my head, forget about everything so she can carry on the rug-sweep, and maybe get some more fucking time as well.

The VAR is arriving tomorrow and will be in place from then on until I return.

[This message edited by mantorok at 7:01 AM, July 16th (Monday)]

^^^^^^ please follow Freeme and the other posters' advice. Your WW controls the narrative and until you take it back you will remain in infidelity. What do you want to do and what are you willing to accept? Once you figure out what you want, develop a plan. Running away and returning to her whenever she calls does not help. If you are not comfortable sharing your wife you are going to have to act. I am sorry she has placed you in this predicament. You are the only one who can get you out of it.

I understand that now, I only started 180ing yesterday because I didn't know what to do.

The other little issue is money for a D (I'm in the UK), it's a lot just to file and I won't have that available for couple of weeks.

The 10 day break was already booked long ago, it was a family holiday for my 40th birthday, this was when the first alarm-bell went off in my head because she started expressing uncertainty about us all being able to go, now I know it was because she didn't want to be with me in close proximity.

We got refunded for the holiday but the flights are still there, which is why I'm taking advantage of them now, and tbh I really do need some time on my own right now, it's the best thing for me, to experience life without her for a prolonged period. It will make me more determined in the long run, and yes I still may kick off the D process before I leave.

you are spinning your wheels on this unrepentant cheater. While you are gone, she will continue the hookups.

You can always use the break to prepare a plan of action and you do know attorneys do give phone consults.

I believe you are putting this off because you know what you need to do but can't gather the strength to. And you must

believe you are putting this off because you know what you need to do but can't gather the strength to. And you must

That is correct, I also do want a concrete plan as there are children involved, I want this to disrupt them as little as possible, at the same time I would love to leave her with nothing but again this results in ugliness that the children may come witness, then there is the fact that I do want her to have the capacity to remain a mother to the children, which means not making her homeless.