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I tried this tact, I told her to go for it and work with her new-found man, but she kept saying that she still loves me

This is classic fencesitting.

Translation: She wants you to stick around so that she can either (1) continue to enjoy the ego kibbles she is getting or (2) she is trying to decide if she can leave you for the OM, but needs you to be Plan B if that doesn't work out.

Another translation: She has no idea what love is. What she has done wasn't loving and what she is trying to do really isn't. The reality is that she is self-centered and nothing she is doing with you or the OM is "love"

tried to make me feel somehow responsible for not showing her the same attention that he did

And this is classic blameshifting. It makes you somehow responsible for the affair. Unfortunately, many betrayed spouses (BS's) fall for this and it leads to doing the Pick Me! Dance.

The underlying theme that you need to quickly pick up on is manipulation. Your wife is now a proven serial cheater and that means that she is going to be a master manipulator. Fencesitting is manipulation. Blameshifting is too. Trying to make you feel bad for what you said after Dday is as well. You should frame everything she says and does this way right now. She is emotionally and psychologically abusing you and her tool to keep you in place is manipulation.

"I've also told her to let me go and stop punishing me, that I feel trapped and powerless."

She's wimping you out.

Borrow some balls. There's nothing like D papers to bring clarity to a retarded situation.

And, get tested--she may have given you more than a bullshit line.

I have to say your wife actually isn’t the brightest bulb, she essentially admitted to a EA, but denies it was a PA. However, if my WH was caught with a AP in a hotel alone with this being the second affair. I would ask for custody and the housing and move on divorce.

Did she tell you her boyfriend is separated? That may be a surprise to his wife, you still need to contact her.

Cheaters lie.

You both need to get STD tested, go together. It may bump her a bit out of the fog when you show how little you trust her now.

Cheaters go bareback.

Why would you leave the house? Why would you go on holiday leaving her to fuck her boyfriend every night?

If this is the case just file, as neither of you seem to want to be married. To each other.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 11:30 AM, July 15th (Sunday)]

the OM is separated and kids grown up

Says your wife -- a known liar and serial cheater. Do your own research.

still claims he's like a "gay-friend"

Says your wife...

She is going to keep trying to spin this because she believes that you'll accept the excuses, the blame, the disrespect, etc. Stop engaging in an exchange of words with a proven liar and manipulator because it is a battle you aren't going to win. Move to action and only look at her actions in return.

she said she doesn't have any interest in spending the rest of her life with him

That could very well be true, but her actions are also saying that she would like you to stay with her while allowing her to see whatever men she wants. While that may be convenient for her, it sounds like a lifetime of being abused for you.

Again -- stop engaging her as she is intent on using you for her own benefit. Go take actions that will clearly communicate that you are through with her attempts to manipulate you.

My gut tells me I will be waiting a long time for that.

Mantorok

Your wife made the rules and you’re abiding by them. She used her rules to put up a successful roadblock. The rules are you must have absolute proof that she had sex with the guy or her confession that she did. You have overwhelming circumstantial evidence and she keeps saying that’s not enough.

You waste time endlessly debating her and the conversation can never progress because you gave her control.

You’re trying to achieve a Perry Mason moment and you’re never going to get it.

Perry Mason Moment

It takes its name from Perry Mason, a mid-20th century television series where such dramatic reversals occurred, often in the form of witnesses confessing to crimes others were accused of in response to the sudden exposure of an inconsistency in their alibi.

The roadblock is working so you need to go around it.

The dynamic currently is if you know 100% that she had sex you might divorce her. Why would she tell you anything? Change the dynamic to that you’re going to divorce her 100% but might reconsider if she tells you the truth.

This isn't the first time either, when we were engaged she also cheated, and guess what? She never really told me the whole story.

Mantorok

If I were advising your wife I would tell her to keep doing what she’s doing. She likes other men for fun and you for security. She has learned that she can have both and you will get over it. You gave her a pass when you had no legal connection and no kids.

Now she has much more leverage so you’re even more likely to give her a pass this time. Why in the world would she change from what worked last time?

I would tell her to say how much she loves you, sex you up and never admit anything. In time you’ll get over it because you have a record of doing that. Another positive is that you’ll never get to lord over her the fact that she had an affair(s) for the rest of your marriage. She just needs to stick to her guns.

If I were advising you I would see a lawyer right away and have her served. She needs concrete proof that you’re not the man that gave her a pass last time. I would overtly tell her that you knew she cheated before marriage but it wasn't as big of deal because you had yet to make a commitment. This time it's a big deal.

I would tell her that your going to DNA the kids. It’s very easy. You can buy a kit at about any drug store. You just swab the inside of the kid's cheek and yours. Then send the kit to a lab.

Before you go on about the fact that they look like you and it doesn’t matter who their father is, that’s not the main reason for doing it. You do it to show your wife how much trust you have lost in her.

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:28 PM, July 15th (Sunday)]

Common sense 101: They fucked like rabbits, and she's asking you to co-sign her bullshit.

She's expecting you to have a Coke and a smile, and shut the fuck up.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 12:30 PM, July 15th (Sunday)]

So I've read the 180 and I'm ready to embrace it. But it doesnt mention what to do if say she contacts me or texts me. Right now I've gone out of the house to play my favourite hobbies which is something I never do. But what if she suddenly starts asking where I am?

It's funny. But shes told me to go out and do more things and be more sociable and shes quite willing to let me go away for 10 nights.

I assume this is so she can get on with some guilt free fucking?

Yes, she wants you to be more sociable--it gives her more opportunities to turn her ass up to loverboy.

So I've read the 180 and I'm ready to embrace it. But it doesnt mention what to do if say she contacts me or texts me. Right now I've gone out of the house to play my favourite hobbies which is something I never do. But what if she suddenly starts asking where I am?

It's funny. But shes told me to go out and do more things and be more sociable and shes quite willing to let me go away for 10 nights.

I assume this is so she can get on with some guilt free fucking?

You control yourself and your phone. Where is it written that you have to respond to anything?

You ignore her!!!!!

She wasn't indecisive about making a decision to cheat.

Why don't you try being decisive and just file.

Indecision will get you a real long stay in the hellhole of Infidelty.

I like the sound of the 180 and it feels like the right thing to do. In the day I'm fine but when I'm lying in bed that's when it's really difficult.

Any tips?

To respond to some people, the OM is separated and kids grown up. I did consider contacting his wife when I first heard but this little tidbit came out during my interrogation, funny that she never mentioned it before isn't it?

If your wayward wife told you this its probably a lie.

Happens all the time. They always protect their fuck buddies

I like the sound of the 180 and it feels like the right thing to do. In the day I'm fine but when I'm lying in bed that's when it's really difficult.

Any tips?

One day at a time. Get out of the habit of responding to anything except, kids or business. It may seem awkward at first but how awkward is her having a boyfriend?

If you can't apply it you'll just linger wher you are longer.

What about finances? I'm the bread winner and my first thought is to separate my account as it's currently joint. I don't want to be spiteful but it's my money.

Expose them and file for divorce. Stop wasting your time trying to negotiate with her.

See an attorney first thing tomorrow am.

Being decisive is best

With regards to your finances, the lawyer will direct you to do what you have to. It’s inportant to file though - right now she can buy her boyfriend a car and there is the possibility of liability on your part there

am I beating a dead horse here?

Yes you are. Until there are consequences for her actions she is going to keep going.

the OM is separated and kids grown up

Your wife has already shown you she is a liar and a cheat

See an attorney ASAP, run finances by him. Get STD testing ASAP. Get IC ASAP, if the first one doesn't seem like a fit, get another one.

my first thought is to separate my account as it's currently joint.

Yes, open a new account in your name, put your paycheck there. Cancel all joint credit cards, if she starts buying things, charging hotel rooms, etc. you will have to pay.

Sharkman said, "right now she can buy her boyfriend a car."

Not only a car, but other things that catch his fancy as well. Courtesy of you, Sugar Daddy.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 2:13 PM, July 15th (Sunday)]