SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been over 10 years since DDay. It was a long term EA and PA, I had all the wrong reactions so it continued a while (hence my name.). As far as I know, there has been NC for years, but we never really addressed our issues.

WW and I had difficult family issues this year. I finally convinced WW that we should get counseling. She agreed on the condition that we not talk about the past (so she could avoid blame and responsibility).

We’ve seen a therapist since the beginning of the year. It is pleasant. After a while our history did come out, and WW seems to understand that I do have pain. We are communicating somewhat better.

The past couple of weeks have been stressful for me. Sometimes this stress makes me dwell on other stressful issues. (When it rains it pours.). I looked up the AP. It turns out he died a few months ago; I don’t know how.

So, do I tell WW? Do I ask if she already knows? Do I let it go? Do I bring it up in counseling?

Even though I looked him up, I didn’t feel anything. No joy, no relief, just “hmm, that is interesting.”

I am no longer threatened by infidelity, I know how to handle it now. I don’t have a happy marriage, but not so bad that I will give up my finances and child over.

As I type this, there is one realization I am having: I know there are things she has kept hidden. Now she can keep them hidden. That works out well for her. It is annoying that I have to accept that.

That’s a tough one. Maybe you could ask if she knew and watch her reaction. That would tell you if she already knew or not. It is a part of your past, so if you have to bring it up at times, that is fine.

In the spirit of honesty and your goal of building a healthy marriage in the future, I'd share.

Why not?

And for your own sake, let go of this idea that now she can keep things buried. I don't think you were ever going to get more truth out of him. You were never going to swap honesties with this guy.

If you do tell her, do it with a smirk and tell her the world is a better place without people like him, because it is.

I literally laughed out loud when I read hopeless’s post

How about if you throw a big party, inviting all your friends over this weekend? Just don’t tell anyone the true reason for celebration

Sorry, I was joking

I would tell her for the reasons gtflng said. The news may be a door into talking things over more for you two.

She may feel sad or conflicted when she hears the news. It may bring up guilt or other unprocessed emotions. So be prepared for that.

But personally I would do it. I recently told my husband that the OW had gotten engaged because I knew he would feel a sense of relief that she was able to move on.

If she has been pinning for AP over time and looks at her cheating in a favorable light I would not tell her.

If she understands the damage she caused and looks at AP as a bad person then tell her.

She probably already knows if she is like a some cheaters and maintains some type of contact even if it is just social media.

There’s communicating, and there’s manipulating. If you were to tell her, would you be doing the first or the second?

If the second, don’t do it, is my recommendation.

But feel free to go piss on his grave.

I'm with HouseOfPlane

My guess is that she already knows. If it were me, I'd mention it in a way to figure out if this is the case. Assuming she already knows, this means she has been at least keeping tabs on him, if not keeping in touch with him on the DL. Meaning the A is still alive in her heart.

The is what I would do

Resuscitate him

Kill him again

Repeat until tiredness put me to sleep

Wake up and tell her

Then watch her body language to see if she was aware

[This message edited by Estirpe at 8:03 AM, August 9th (Thursday)]

I wish I could tell my wife that her affair partner was dead. If I were you, I would do the happy dance in front of your wife, and when she asked what was going on, I would bust out laughing and tell her "piece of shit is dead"!

My wife had three affairs.

The first died of natural causes and I told her. I could see she was shocked a little. I remember her face to this day. Celebrate may 22.

The second died of natural causes too. Honest. She told me. It was all over town and I would soon learn. I said great! Celebrate Feb 1 too.

Waiting for the third!

They are low life scum sucking pigs. The world is much better. Women are much better without them.

I would tell her. I wouldn't be surprised if she already knows.

If she does know, was that because she was occasionally keeping tabs on his life or was it some old coworker/friend that told her?

On another note, I'm sensing that quite a bit of fear based rug sweeping was done. It shouldn't be you that's walking on eggshells.

So she wants to rugsweep the whole thing and so far you have played along.

Never really did the work and rebuilt on a new foundation of truth and authenticity.

With that knowledge I would have to ask what is the purpose of telling her? To see if she knew already?

To make her feel bad? To finally know that it is truly over?

I think you need to understand why you want to tell her. I would also encourage you to rethink your plan. If she didn't fix her shit, she will do it again, and is not a safe partner. Is this really the M you want your child to grow up thinking is normal?

I had a similar issue, I had my way of keeping some track of her LTA partner. He and OBS finally divorced and it appears it was ugly. He had a massive heart attack, but recovered.

I asked her if she knew, and she didn't, and I have no indication she did.

Karma drives a big ole bus.

As I type this, there is one realization I am having: I know there are things she has kept hidden. Now she can keep them hidden. That works out well for her. It is annoying that I have to accept that.

Sorry, but I could never stay in a marriage with this over me.

To answer the OP's question- no, I would not tell her.

Just keep it to yourself. If she doesn't know already and wants to, let her look it up for herself.