SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I stayed for my kids. I didn't want our adult problems to interfere with their innocence.

I also didn't like the idea of seeing them every other weekend. She's a good mom, but she was a horrible wife during that time. As previously stated, the courts give the mom custody of the children, unless she can be proven unfit. I couldn't bear to not put them to bed every night. I think honestly that that is what caused me more pain after D Day. I didn't feel I did anything wrong, yet I had to make this impossible decision.

I never once told her that me staying was not about the children. She is very aware that they were the only reason why I was staying. Even that reason in itself was almost not enough.

We are in a better place now, but I still think about things quite often. I won't say daily, but it's frequently enough. I still have those hypothetical questions that pop into my head all the time, which there is no right or wrong answer for.

I do Wonder how long I have to suffer in my own silence. As I said, things are getting better, but in my opinion, there's a long way to go. I very seriously doubt we'll ever get to a truly comfortable and safe place again.

I do Wonder how long I have to suffer in my own silence. As I said, things are getting better, but in my opinion, there's a long way to go. I very seriously doubt we'll ever get to a truly comfortable and safe place again.

Then you tell her that. Tell her how you feel. Don't be afraid to. You have a right to express your hurt and outrage. If she walks she walks. You cannot control that.

I told my fWW pretty much the same thing. She knows that I no longer hold her in the highest regard. She knows I no longer worship the ground she walks on. She knows I will never blindly trust her ever again.

And she is cool with that. Sad about it, but she tells me this is her penance and that she will work hard for the rest of her life to get to a place where I trust her again.

Such a good question, but I think as a society we need to be careful and not judge each other’s reason for staying or going. We are all humans with different needs and desires. I stayed for many reasons. One yes... is finances. My husband does well, I have never worked so finding a real

Career at my age would be difficult. I know I would get my share of the “pie”, but the pie is only so big. I want to rock grand babies and not worry about paying rent.

I also stayed because I love my family unit. We all enjoy each other. I pictured holidays and birthdays without him and a hole was there.

I stayed because in every other way we worked and he is the partner I would choose. I have no desire to be alone nor do I want to find a new relationship. Other than his huge fuck up, I loved our life.

I stayed because the affair was his problem. Not mine. He needs to fix himself and he is working on it. Why would I share everything we worked for with someone new if he is going to improve himself? The OW saw my life and thought it would be hers. Hell no.

I stayed because my kids love him too and want him and an intact family.

I stayed because the thought of another woman rocking my grand babies one day killed me and I knew that I had no desire to pretend to love another man’s kids or family.

I staYed because I pictured who I would want if I were to grow ill as we all will as we age. It was him.

I staYed because I knew he would always be in my life and we would end up booking up along the way anyway.

I stayed because he has been

My best friend for 25 years and getting over his betrayal would be easier than getting over him. I also don’t believe in a perfect love, man, or relationship and he is good enough for me.

We all have different needs. I am happiest when I am with my family, my kids are happy, and financially secure. He offers me that. Maybe it’s because I grew up poor. Either way, I have no real reason to leave. He is generous, he is remorseful. He has always treated me well. Mostly I have no desire to date or find a “soulmates which I don’t believe in anyways.

Finally read all of these posts. My question still remains though, why? Why the hell do we stay no matter what our reasons and excuses. 14 years out now and I still ask myself that question almost daily. Sure I have all of the reasons that most of you do, but I still wonder if any of those reasons were or still are the right ones. Or do we just check the box that says it's ok to what they have done?

Ticked off, maybe your real question should be are you happy? The “why” you stayed should be irrelevant if you are happy. It’s doesnt matter. If you are unhappy then it’s time to take steps to find your happiness. As far as sayIng what they did is okay”.. no one ever said that. What they say is forgiveness is possible maybe? There really isn’t any justice to be had in these situations. The only justice is choosing your best life. If that is with your spouse lucky for them. Leaving if you don’t want to for justice doesn’t serve the betrayed very well. Choose your happiness and dit worry about the “why” it makes you happy.

Svon, I see you are pretty new on the boards. I am an long long timer here. I have seen the best and the worst on these threads. Some make it, some don't and many are like me in my situation. Yes, I have found my own happy, my own peace which is why I stay. Should I have in the first place? Maybe not, but the choice was mine to make as it is for all the rest of us. But at least I am honest about my decision (that's not to say you aren't) just saying that it's mind boggling trying to understand the mind of a BS (even my own) that keeps us with a person who threw us under the bus and ran over us. I have read way to many posts that are more negative than positive.

I will reword my question to a statement. I can't for the life of me understand why I (or anyone else) stayed with a person who didn't give two shits about us when the going got tough. I guess I was always hoping for the fairytale marriage as we all were. But from what I have seen over the many years on these posts, there are few and far of those kinds of marriages. It actually makes me sad when I see a young couple getting married. Of course I hope the best for them, but I have my doubts at this point.

Ticked off, I totally get that. I guess I look

At the entire affair differently. I don’t see it as being thrown under the bus. My husband’s affair had nothing to do with me nor was he trying to hurt me (although he has). He was/is mentally immature and ill. He needed help. He needed therapy. He needed drugs. He chose a woman instead. He never planned to leave. He was just self medicating emotional pain. Although it hurts like hell, it’s honestly not about me. If he is tryIng to heal himself, I will go along for now. It’s very similar to an alcoholic who can’t quit drinking to escape his/her demons. The alcoholic isnt trying to hurt their family, they are looking for an escape. Yes, I would have preferred alcohol, but if all sucks. It’s all a betrayal.

Svon. I disagree (respectfully of course).

Our cheating spouse makes a conscious decision to cheat, knowing its wrong. But many cheaters assume the spouse won’t find out.

For those that suffer with more than one DDay or Affair, it certainly is a calculated move by the cheater to be selfish and disrespectful to the spouse. It is a decision made with specific intent to do something knowing it will cause pain to your spouse.

I’m sorry but when the cheater sees their spouse or partner suffering, in pain, crying, an emotional wreck and hurting - but makes a selfish decision - I’m sorry it is a choice and it is about the Betrayed spouse.

I too have successfully reconciled. I am happy. But there are two things I will never forget as the result of my H’s A.

First is him kicking me to the curb after 25 years of M for someone he knew 6 months. Yup - he was going to D me.

Second is seeing me curled up in a ball on the flor sobbing - and stepping over me to go to a BBQ on Dday1. Just complete disregard.

So I disagree - the Affair is about me as a spouse. In my case I was told ILYBNILWY and the cruelty of his behavior I will never forget. He was angry I was standing in his way of being with the OW. In reality the four times he wanted a D - three of those times I said ok - I did not stand in his way.

His decision to cheat had everything to do with me - his complete disregard of me was the first decision he made at the point he pursued the OW.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:59 AM, October 23rd (Tuesday)]

I am just coming to grips with the topic of this thread.

3 years after DD.

I question my insecure self about the "real" reason, I feel like a doormat for staying. I feel like he "won". At times, I resent him for it.

But not always.

Lately he has been bragging so much about his accomplishments in business, but he never mentions his failure as a husband.

His failure to make me feel safe.

I guess the "real" reason for me is that I am waiting for the day when he admits how much he hurt me and admits he was wrong.

Instead of justifying his actions of the time.

I can't believe I am writing this, for everyone to read.

but I have to.

I will reword my question to a statement. I can't for the life of me understand why I (or anyone else) stayed with a person who didn't give two shits about us when the going got tough. I guess I was always hoping for the fairytale marriage as we all were. But from what I have seen over the many years on these posts, there are few and far of those kinds of marriages. It actually makes me sad when I see a young couple getting married. Of course I hope the best for them, but I have my doubts at this point.

Tickedoff - this resonated with me.

I stayed with my WH simply because I married him. If we had been (just) boyfriend and girlfriend, I would have run for the hills - I knew what him falling for another woman was going to do to me. But I took my vows and meant them, and there was no way I was going to just walk out on my marriage without giving my absolute heart and soul to making it work. He, sadly, had other ideas and funked around until the OW liked him back.

Marriage to me is soiled, now. If there are so many people in this world that can throw their vows and the people they supposedly love straight under the bus without a moment's thought...??

Ticked off, thanks for sharing your story. It’s a reminder that every situation is different. Had my husband behaved the way yours did after D Day I am sure my thoughts would be different now too. My husband was immediately remorseful and ashamed. He dropped his partner instantly and felt relief. He immediately tried anything to help me simply breathe. He definitely never stepped over my sobbing body to attend a BBQ, but rather brought me water, food, etc.. anything to keep me going. I don’t know how I would be if he acted any other way and if there was or is a second D day, I will be gone.

My question still remains though, why? Why the hell do we stay no matter what our reasons and excuses. 14 years out now and I still ask myself that question almost daily. Sure I have all of the reasons that most of you do, but I still wonder if any of those reasons were or still are the right ones. Or do we just check the box that says it's ok to what they have done?

I still ask myself this question too. Mine is all fear based. I am not sure I will fare well financially post D and I'm fearful of turning my kids' lives upside down. Changing schools with risks to their grades going down and them having to make new friends. I fear they will see me as the 'bad guy' for initiating D. In the beginning I didn't want any step-whores raising them or me having to split time with them. I will never check the box that says it's ok what the WS has done. If anything I check the box that says yes he is a monster that really did this to his family. That he really did this to me. That he still doesn't care that I suffer with the effects (he would just like me to shut up).

I'm in therapy right now hoping to kill this 'fear' that I have. Then every time I read a nightmare story in D/S that makes me shudder.

I can't for the life of me understand why I (or anyone else) stayed with a person who didn't give two shits about us when the going got tough.

But that wasn't in my W's mind when she started and continued her A. My view is that her self-hate enabled her to cheat and that I was collateral damage.

Like svon, I see my W's A as her doing, her issue, not my monkey, not my circus. The aftermath is (was) ugly, without doubt. But I was a victim of her fuck-up, not a target.

I guess I was always hoping for the fairytale marriage as we all were.

I was scared when we got married. I loved her and wanted her, but I never saw M as any sort of fairy tale that I knew about. Maybe Grimm;s grim fairy tales has one that's a metaphor for M, but I alwasy saw M as a risky endeavor.

Of course, The only Disney I saw was Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Snow White, Fantasia, and Dumbo, not the treacly, dishonest crap they started turning out later that poisons little girls' minds.

***************

IOW, we see a few individual experiences above. They make it difficult to draw up generalizations about the BS experience.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:49 PM, October 23rd (Tuesday)]

Why the hell do we stay no matter what our reasons and excuses.

Your question might really be...

"Why the hell do we stay, I won't believe any of your reasons."

And frankly... that's an okay thing to think.

But I wonder...

You say you found your happiness, and that is why you stay. Is that a reasons or an excuse?

One last question...

If you are happy... why do you ask that question?

If I'm being completely honest. Because I didn't think I deserved someone better.

Why the hell do we stay...

I was never given the opportunity to stay, nor do I think deep down that I shouldve or that she could ever, ever change. And, based on reading dozens of anecdotes about failed Rs, and researching these narcissistic tendencies that cheaters dig into while going on an A spree, and everything else, I know, KNOW, that im better off and that that selfish coward doesnt deserve what good I do bring to the table.

BUT, all that said...even now Id be tempted to R. Why? To salvage the future I still want. To go to Disney World next year. To have kids. To live in our home again. Etc. TERRIBLE IDEA, but this is what would go through my mind if she came running back...which thank god she wont ever do.

If we asked the WSs this question “why did you stay” I think you’d get mostly the same answers - finances, children, convenience.

I’m skeptical of the wayward who immediately expresses “remorse “, tears and apologies. Most just don’t want to give up money, kids or convenience. All too many just plan how they can cheat “better” - like how to be sneakier.

Staying married is not synonymous with a true reconciliation. Don’t get me wrong - I am NOT saying there is no such a thing as a true reconciliation. Although I never had one I’ve seen some beautiful reconciliations.

Ticked off, I think we got here about the same time, and I feel exactly the same, and so many of the guys here are in the same boat. KIds, finances, too much trouble to divide everything up and end up worse than we are. Lazy? Scared? Not willing to start over, all of that.

I guess we just lower our expectations and make the best of it.

I've answered this question at least a thousand times with no two answers being the same. I've become more honest with myself lately and have come to the conclusion that it was just fear. I was certain that I would end up alone and that I wouldn't find anyone like her. It's taken me awhile to understand just how good of a thing that could've been.

I'm currently gathering evidence to confirm her latest infidelity.

The kids, but now I find as they are older, I should have left 11 yrs ago.

I did love her deeply, more so than anyone I have ever known, but all that faded and is simply gone.

50 is next year, I feel like disappearing.