SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Married 30 years when Dday hit. I always knew he struggled with FOO issues - but never realized how deeply scared he was by his past. When I told him it was over - I wanted him out -he had a complete breakdown. I've never seen someone so hysterical. At that moment I didn't see a cheating spouse - but a broken human being reaching out for help.

Told him I would support him as he sought counseling for his issues - but that didn't mean I was committed to R - I could change my mind in a week - a month - a year and walk. He said he would do what ever it took to prove that he could be the husband I deserved.

I stayed because he was a good faithful husband for 30 years and I wasn't going to let the A wipe out 30 years of a basically good marriage - the A wasn't going to define him or our marriage.

I stayed because I saw him put his heart and soul into R - I saw true remorse and change. I stayed because - as devastating as his choice was to cheat - he is a good decent man who had an aberration of character - one horrible interlude in one's life does not define that life going forth.

And yes - I stayed because I love him.

The key here is to have a ws who is truly remorseful and helps the bs heal. It makes it a whole lot easier to learn to love that person all over again. Putting in hard work as a ws and being humble goes a long way after such hurt and destruction. When you have the opposite, it is much harder to love and trust that person ever again.That is when the marriage falters.

Initial reason- I liked and worked hard for my life and no way was this cheap whore who clearly was using an affair as a ladder to better her life stepping in and taking what had been years to make and was mine. Wh, time with my son, our home our lifestyle.

And he confessed. I had no real inkling I just knew we were wrong I didnt think there was another, and he said during an arguement "would it be easier if there was someone else" I looked at him incredulously. So next day asked outright and he told me mostly every thing right away. And very quickly ditched her and showed mostly remorse and wasnt afraid to discuss or fix it. I saw real attempts at being something he wasnt used to. Hes widened how he thinks.

Since then my reasons are at times when hes got it wrong and had wayward selfish behaviour or I've hit a wall my son keeps me here those days. We both want a stable happy family for him. Which we are mostly.

I really think I wouldve separated jan coming up to dday and I physically attacked him and kicked him and our son witnessed it. For me that meant what I was trying to save was no longer stable or healthy or happy. He was willing to discount it but I wasnt it indicated I wasnt accepting forgiving or coping. Then few hrs later I got a call my father passed away suddenly in a tragic accident I went straight there and saw his body lying covered by a blanket. I went into survival mode and it was wh I needed and who was there. It redefined meaning of life a bit for me.

Since then I've still had some bad days but when things are not as they should be I'm quicker to detach and demand what I need. And the rough days its still my son but more days its now wh. I would miss him terribly and we do have a strong sexual attraction lessened by dday I think that would remain if we s and would end up confusing the hell out our situation and ds we would add more issues and prob still end up R after so we cut that corner in my eyes.

Also I just dont think S or D would make me feel better. I'd have the same crap but not everything else.

Some days I wonder if I love him. I certainly dislike him alot. But I feel now my fairy tale romantic view is gone I think I believe love is a choice not just an involuntary emotion. And like all choices its influenced by external factors including him and his behaviour. So most days I choose him.

The reasons have evolved over time. Like many others here, I was in such shock initially. I couldn’t make a decision to save my life the first few months after dd. So I tried to take care of myself and I decided to not make any decision until my oldest dd’s wedding was over.

After the wedding, (8 months after dd) I felt a little more power, but he seemed so remorseful that I was ready to give it 6 months more. We cleared all email contact he had with women unless they were business related and things seemed to improve...

At the end of that 6 months, youngest dd was graduated from college and things were going well, So I decided to give it another 6 months.

During that 6 month period, I found the email chain that he had maintained with ow. I truly don’t know why I stayed. I was in shock again, totally blindsided again. He was that good at keeping secrets.

Now, he is totally remorseful, I suppose. I will never trust him or sadly enough myself again. Why do I stay now? I don’t believe in my ability to pick another good man. I know that they are out there, but I doubt I could find one.

I’d be fine alone, but I don’t really want to be alone. I don’t want to break up my family, even though my kids are adults. I will always love him, I always have, so I stay as long as he behaves. It’s up to him now to keep the m alive. Better the devil you know... I suppose.

Sananman: I liked reading your story about your fWW’s reformation. Her giving a post-nup to an angry betrayed husband for one more chance and then delivering her all is a compelling story.

A few actually:

Kids - 14 and 12 at the time and I did not want them to have to endure the shame and humiliation that I was/am enduring (my situation would almost guarantee the divorce reason would be a well known fact among their peers and schoolmates). In addition, the thought of being a part time parent kills me.

Money - I came from practically nothing and worked my ass off to make a good life for us. To give her more than half as a going away present for sucking and fucking a stranger was/ is a revolting thought to me. And she would really never go away anyway because of the kids. So, I would eventually get to see her with her next man, and he would eventually be in my house and then ultimately in my bed and that man then becomes a part (almost surely a negative part) of my kid's lives, um NOPE!

Me - I thought long and hard about it. I know that I would never again allow myself to ever invest everything I am into another person thus leaving every future potential relationship

as "less than" always.

So, as depressing as it may be, I decided that my current "less than" relationship with my WW that has the chance to someday be built up (never to 100%) combined with keeping my children protected and keeping my financial situation intact was the better option for me.

1. our kids

There was NO WAY that I was going to only have them part-time

and there was NO WAY that the Slunt was going to be a part of their lives

2. finances

1. Kids

2. Finances

3. Fear

4. His potential

I loved my SA-WH and I put up with a lot. D-days and tt really did a number on my heart. I know I will never love him the same. As for him being remorseful, for a while I believed he was. However there is always an excuse for why he isn't doing the things I have asked (some of which he has never done). He has the potential to be the man I thought he was. Once my kids graduate I will reevaluate everything.

1. Kids--they deserved dad AND mom.

2. Money--I busted my ass, graduate school × forever! I was not giving him money. I had worked too hard. He came from money, but I did not.

3. Safety. Go ahead and fuck whoever, but I need a minute here before I throw my 20 year life out the window. I was in shock.

Not love. I was angry, not in love. Not jealous. I did not want to lose things as my H sought to gain. I could not handle that thought.

I am actually sorry I posted this question. It really does sadden me to read all the comments and remarks. Seems to be that most of us stay not out of love, but out of survival or spite or whatever. The only good thing about this question is that I know I am not to only one out there who stayed in a shitty situation.

And as many of you said, there really is no guarantee that we as the bs will find anybody else out there who is trustworty if in fact we divorce. So here we sit for our own reasons. So sad.

Tickedoff, maybe it's because I'm a ww, but I found reading this to be pretty positive for me, so I thank you for posting it....

Maybe because for me, any chance at R I get is worth everything to me....I wish with all my heart that my dear husband had it in him but he had depression issues (which at the time, I didn't realize how serious they were)and now has worse depression issues, so it's very difficult. He is on antidepressants (for many years and has had they switched up a few times) but feels that he's "fine"....and has been referred for a psych evaluation but that will take months to get...and he doesn't want it in the first place and is refusing....

So even to all the BS who stayed for kids, finances or whatever reason....you're trying and i have the utmost respect for your courage...❤️

Finances

Being a SAHM without a career to fall back on.

My DS.

My tremendous fear of winding up alone. I have never been on my own. Went from living at home, to living with one or two boyfriends, then back home, then in with my WH before we got engaged. I don't know that I could make it on my own. Starting over now would be extremely difficult.

But if I were in my 20's or 30's, had a decent job, I would have been done. No doubt. I'd have been waving bye bye in the rear view mirror. Staying with a cheater who betrayed me for years has compromised my beliefs and I have never stayed with a cheater before. He would have been history, and added to the list of other cheating assholes I was involved with.

We were married over 30 years when I caught my WW after accidentally stumbling onto some messages on our home computer. At the time, I planned to leave her ASAP but took some time to cool down and think it through. After realizing she had ended the affair about a month earlier and eagerly agreed to go NC, I decided to give her a chance for a few reasons:

1) SHE ended it because of extreme guilt (the messages corroborated that) and was extremely remorseful, almost hysterical when I sprung it on her.

2) She has been an excellent mother and my grown kids have always referred to her as a "role model" which I chuckle about to this day. I did not want to put my kids through the agony of a reality check.

3) Financially, it would have wrecked me. I'm near retirement and would have had to work another 10 years to make up some of the loss.

4). Pretty much, I'm free now to live my own life if I want ala Lester from American Beauty. I hold all the cards (and no, I have never cheated and never will).

That said, if she ever cheats again, I'll calmly file for divorce with the knowledge that I gave her a chance. She will have to face the music alone with our kids, family, and friends whomwill know she's a serial cheater and was given a chance to redeem herself. That will be ugly, and she certainly knows it.

The first time: I stayed because the children were very young...I couldn't support them, alone..We were young...I was afraid he would remarry, and me and my small children would live without..We had lived in many states, due to work...I was alone.

Our marriage never really recovered, because his behavior never changed...I stayed because I loved him...It was what I wanted...a good marriage...I gave it my best...still the fear of raising children alone.

The cheating continued over the years, but I had no proof...love died away slowly...I stayed for last child to graduate, then D was definite...and no woman was moving in my life, my house, and taking over my life....

WH became very ill with brain illness...I thought he would die...No diagnosis...it was wait and see...and he cheated again, and relapsed...twice..

It no longer mattered...I was the only one trying still, even in his survival...all love is gone..I don't even think it existed...Ding. Many people get remorseful, feel guilty, and have regrets when they face mortality...My WH, decided there wasn't much time left....and is partying hard. No diagnosis still...He could live for years...

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 3:13 PM, August 18th (Saturday)]

I simply didn't believe I deserved better.

ETA - He admitted to none of the affairs. He insisted none of them were physical, and I could not prove that they were. I didn't know the term, emotional affair. I think because I couldn't label it, he could continue to deny and lie. I also had no support system. My family would rather flip everything on to me. I also didn't realize it at the time, but he had isolated me from my friends. I was so naive back then. I thought it was easier to stay away from my friends because he created conflict wherever he went. You know hindsight is always...

Anyway, he blame shifted everything back to me and I believed him.

[This message edited by travels at 7:22 AM, August 19th (Sunday)]

1. Our children

2. My word means something to me which ties in to my moral and ethical values. I made a promise.

3. My Christian faith in my wedding vows.

What kept me from kicking him out:

1. He ended the affair on his own.

2. He maintained NC.

3. He changed, though it took a long time. He was always moving forward.

4. He showed me that his family was worth more than himself and those OW.

I just thought I would add that thought because I think it is important to know why you let them stay, not just why you didn't leave. Had any of those been broken, I would have left.

I stayed because of the life we had made together, the commitment, the love, the good times and bad we had been through, the good things my WH had done throughout our M. I was also in shock and didn’t know the way forward so I followed my heart and my instincts and gave him a chance, a very wary chance with non negotiable conditions ‘sort your shit out or get out’.

I now stay because he continues to prove he is worthy of that chance. There are no guarantees in M, it’s a risk, I know that now. I was living with rose colored glass on, not anymore. I’m glad I gave him that chance but I will never trust like I did.

At first, I stayed because I loved him and thought he loved me up until his A. I thought he would work hard to get us back to a good M. A small part of it was also competitiveness. There was no way I was going to let that skank have him. Once he came home, I found found out that he was a serial cheater that cheated on me throughout our whole marriage. He was always a shorty husband. I found out that he is childish, selfish and can’t tell the truth about anything. He struggles with FOO issues and cannot step up and do what I need.

The reason I’m with him now is purely to allow my kids to have an intact family. To keep him in their lives until they leave the house. I struggle to stay with him. He doesn’t do enough for me to feel good about him. Both kids will be out of the house in 5 years.

Many reasons...

1. Denial. Let me explain. Things with my ex ever added up. He is a narcissist, maybe a sociopath. Everybody thinks he’s a “great guy.” He conditioned me to expect less. He was verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive. Abusers are good at what they do. It happens slowly over time. So, when I found out, at first, I was in denial. Mostly because I was scared. I am a strong person. But, he conditioned me to think less of myself and that ran deep.

2. Fear. I was scared of him. I didn’t realize that on the surface, it was deep down inside of me.

3. The kids. I was scared of losing time with them. They are my world.

Here’s the reality. I’m much better off without him. But, it took me a lot of time and work to get where I am today. I’m happy and healthy without my ex. The shit sandwich is sharing my kind da with him and smug ow. I do have primary custody, but, his house is a three ring circus.