SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wow, who the hell do cheaters think they are? Who did my h think he was. Just a fucking selfish man who wanted what he wanted at any cost. And for what . A whore who sold him down the river when I went over to question her. Love is grand. But then again, whose the idiot here. Well I will raise my hand high. Stupid is as stupid does. And stupid to stay with a cheater.

Fear..a lot of it. I wasn't in a place emotionally to make a permanent decision.

Our marriage is our 2nd time to bat. I am of the opinion if you divorce twice then marriage is not for you.

I don't want to start another life at age 56. I don't want my life disrupted any more than it has been. I don't want our children hurt.

I know that if they knew, ( at least the 3 that don't )would never respect their dad / stepdad again and he would be estranged from them , likely permanently

Fear of spending holidays alone. I feel a sense of safety with my husband , like when a bad storm is coming . He will keep us safe . When things break , he fixes them . We enjoy each other and have fun together. We read each other's thoughts . We share the same sense of humor, We finish each other's sentences. We rely on each other.

When I sent my nasty email to his whore, one of the things that I said, verbatim was

" No matter how horrible it was for N to have an affair with you, we have built a life together and you will not break that "

That is how I feel. I don't want to throw away 23 years of my life and love.

Yes , I still love him and he loves me.

But it still cuts me to the bone every day and the pain is sometimes unbearable

I stayed because we had 24 yrs invested and a lot of love between us. We also had ALOT of pre A issues that had never been addressed.

Financially both of us would be fine without the other (I would make out better actually due to good investing and family inheritance) But we both have great jobs that pay us well. We have no kids so I didn't stay for them.

He was a wonderful man and great husband for 22 1/2 years. I believed it was worth seeing if there was a chance to save the marriage. I still don't know if we will make it, but we are still together searching to see. He is also full-on mid life crisis too so there's that to deal with,,,,

Fear. It encompassed me.

I think, too, I got so very very depressed and then anxiety issues, I couldn't do anything. I was emotionally paralyzed for years.

I believed his lies, probably because I wanted to believe them. Years of false R.

My kids. I really feared that he would kidnap my youngest and take him overseas.

If I tried to kick him out, he would stop paying and I would end up having to leave and suddenly he would come up with the money and move OW and OC's in MY house when I would be scraping the barrel to feed myself and the kids. I was right about that. I did kick him out finally after all these years, and now the house is going in foreclosure, I'm barely surviving and I'll have to move.

I'm still feeling scared.

I don't see D as improving the situation. I don't see upsetting four innocent lives because a fifth person is the guilty one.

Basically, it was just too much damn trouble to divorce her.

Married for 24 years at the time, and 95% of was good.

Two kids and the rest of the extended family, one kid still at home. I didn't want to have to deal with the kids, even grown ones having to figure out OUR shit. I've seen to many kids screwed up by stupid parents.

Finances, even though I would have come out much better than her due to probably ending up with half her pension. Probably would have ended up selling the house, that I (we) built.

She got credit for being an outstanding mother ( except for the obvious), and very good with money.

She is holding up well for her age. ( yeah, I know, shallow)

I like being married, and the thought of breaking in a new wife seemed daunting.

I still question whether I made the right decision, or not.

She got credit for being an outstanding mother ( except for the obvious), and very good with money.

She is holding up well for her age. ( yeah, I know, shallow)

I like being married, and the thought of breaking in a new wife seemed daunting.

I still question whether I made the right decision, or not.

This is where I'm at. My FWW is a good mom, is in great shape and is a hell of a lot of fun in bed. We meet each other's needs. We get along well. Am I still mad at her? Yep, and I will be for a long time and she knows it.

Is what we have now perfect? Nope. We still have a lot of hurt and crap to sort through, but when I weigh putting up with all that, compared to divorce and getting back out on the singles market and all the headaches that entails, staying with her wins...for now. When our son graduates high school and leaves home, my attitude may change.

I had to re-calibrate my opinions and expectations of her. I have come to accept that my FWW is a woman capable of duplicity and who is more than willing to be a wanton slut when it serves her purposes. She has kept her dark passenger at bay for the last year and seems to be committed to walking the straight and narrow from now on. We'll see.

I told her I make her no promises about the future...none.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 1:09 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)]

I think I was just so stunned. I've been with him since I was 13. I've never dated anyone else. I've never known anything else. I can't imagine starting over. I feel like if I was on my own I would be happier. It's just a lot of trouble to divorce and move and start over. I know I am just settling. I feel my life is very unfulfilled. I was unhappy before I knew about the affair. He had become such a jerk. I didn't like him and didn't like him coming home because he would be in a mood. I always felt the peace leaving the moment he walked in the door. But I thought at least he was faithful. I prayed he would wake up. I loved him but told him I was not in love with him. There were no romantic feelings anymore. He wasn't meeting my emotional or sexual needs. I thought if he woke up things would get better. He is trying to be a better person, but he is still not meeting my needs. He is not the type of person to meet my emotional needs and, well, since the affair, sex with him disgusts me. We were onlies and we don't have that any more. He chose that. And I don't think he is special enough to be my only any longer. And I just don't trust or respect him. Three years out and despite his trying, I am to the point where I know I need to move on. I see it will not ever get better for me. I just get lonelier and lonelier. I have absolutely no one to talk to.

well, this is my third marriage that died due to infidelity. We are preparing a new agreement with expectations based on reality, possibly to remarry if we decide within 3 years. We are seniors, however...68 and 74. Meanwhile, we have agreed to continue our sex life. I am enjoying it for about the first time in my life. My WH is an aged womanizer. He immediately went NC with the OW. He claims he wants to know true love. So far, he is emotionally more open, and I am sexually having fun.

A lot to digest here. Reasons, good and bad, on both sides of the debate.

From my perspective, I allowed a second chance to someone who gave me the most precious things in my life. When none of the conditions for Reconciliation were met, I encountered DDay #2 and all the reasons for chance #2 are no longer relevant.

He accused me for only wanting his paycheck because I was questioning him about how much he was spending in a short time. I didn't know that because it went to some scamming bimbos online.

So right now I am doing exactly that. Because right now that is the only thing he has to offer.

When WH and I were trying to R, I was staying for:

1) DS

2) Financial stability

3) Because he was my “soul mate”

Yet, multiple DDays and constant TT took its toll. We are at DDay 10+ and OP 7+ now...it’s mind boggling. After DDay 6 or 7, I filed for D. If WH had done the work, addressed the FOO issues & potential SA, continued sobriety (from online hookup sites & porn) I wouldn’t be frequenting the divorce/separation forum. He’s also unapologetic and shows no remorse, so I know what’s the only logical answer, even through I still feel some “love” for him. I really tried to make it (R) “in sickness” and “for worse,” but with our vows promising faithfulness explicitly (and all of his unwillingness), I’m opting for D.

-She is my best friend. (but what kind of friend does that?)

-I couldn't bring myself to believe that I had chased her for intimacy and connection for a decade for nothing. Stubborn?

-I genuinely like her when she is healthy and authentic

-I didn't want to perpetuate FOO habits of giving up during difficulty

-I generally have very large amounts of patience and faith in people "coming around" or something getting better, which has been to a fault at times.

Whether I view these reasons as valid or pathetic change day to day, generally hinging on how much work WW is putting in.Tough question! Thank you for probing.

Tough question. I can see everything I said from a pathetic standpoint.

There was no love after DDay2.

I agreed to give her last chance because:

- kids (80%)

- I'm lazy (10%)

- She is fun to fuck (10%). I didn't see myself entering any relationship in near time, I'm not ONS type of guy, so having somebody to fuck during "trial period" was a plus.

These are not the reasons I'm staying.

My biggest reason was that I was (am?) pretty co-dependent. I didn't realize it at the time so the reason I told myself was that if we divorced, WW was a SAHM so I expected I'd be paying her PLENTY so she could continue doing what I divorced her for. I'd lose a vast majority of time with our kids and be paying her for my misery. So I felt I had to stay and put up with it. At least until the kids are older and she's gotten a full time job. (WIP)

I think the reason I’m still here is because I am not secure with myself. And I was blindsided and was in shock. I also am having a hard time if letting go of what I thought my reality (fantasy) was.

I am working on finding MY strength and not be so co dependent. It’s just so hard to accept that I haven’t been living a true life and am not sure who my H is. And maybe never did.

Only a year out here. I see a lot of similarities to myself in the responses. Kids, money, property, WW is a good Mom etc. Plus the sex is handy as stated. D means financial pain for all of us. We be less of our kids (although may not just argue and ignore them in that time).

But I still see us ending up apart. I just don't feel it for her any more. Plus she is NPD which, once discovered makes it very difficult to get past.

Luna10 - I can relate to this.

Obviously if we would have separated that day I would have called my friends and family and I would have survived somehow. Or find my strength on my own... I don’t know.

Later on, once I started to recover I still loved him. I was in denial and I couldn’t accept who he was. Then fear of seeing my world disappear in front of my eyes, my kids being in pain and broken hearted, our whole life we built together ripped away in million pieces. What probably kept us 2gether is that as I found out on Saturday, my eldest started exams on Monday, so I wasn't going to mess them up. Still 2gether now, a year later, just.

Now I reached a stage when I am staying only because I want to see the end of my story. Did they live happily ever after (ha, impossible) or did they decide to part ways. I’m staying because it doesn’t feel like the end. I get this feeling that should we divorce we would end up spending time together and having sex anyway.

Love... I do feel I love him, but I am now at a stage where I think I could go NC and it would slip into affectionate attachment. I know that it feels good to be with him though ( when we have a good run) I have a constant reminder of who he is and what he’s done. (Particularly when I see his 'come face'. Habit... maybe. I often wonder if people stay married out of habit. I also fear that I’ll fall for someone else further down the road who may wake up feelings in me that will overcome my constant state of inertia. ( I don't fear it).

So I’m waiting until the end of my story is written.

1. My house. It is more than just a possession or a monetary thing for me- it goes much deeper. It is the security of having a safe place to live with my daughter and out animals (whom we love deeply, but would end up probably having to get rid of if I needed to rent). It is an investment I've spent the last 5 years breaking my ass for- I saved and saved and saved to buy a house alone. Married him, sold the house and make a good $$$...put that into the new house. If we sold now, due to closing costs...I would lose about $50,000 that I really worked blood sweat and tears to get somewhere in a safe area.

2. For some reason I have this terror of losing him. This is all new for me, so I don't know if that's just how it is in the beginning? I cling to him even though, logically, I would really like out.

There was no love after DDay2.

I agreed to give her last chance because:

- kids (80%)

- I'm lazy (10%)

- She is fun to fuck (10%). I didn't see myself entering any relationship in near time, I'm not ONS type of guy, so having somebody to fuck during "trial period" was a plus.

These are not the reasons I'm staying.

You and I are much alike.

I guess I'm more pragmatic than emotional. I don't love my wife in a husbandly way anymore, but I do still cherish her. The sex is very good, although no longer intimate. I used to feel intimacy with my wife during sex. Now it's just lust and release. Quantifiably it is good, but I don't feel love when we do it anymore.

I definitely had my son in mind when I took my WW back. He needed his mom. He was becoming a surly little asshole and he needed his mom's love and presence full time instead of just on the weekends.

I too am lazy when it comes to dating. I hardly dated at all when I met my fWW. I hate dating. I hate having to constantly be planning and strategizing how to wine and dine a woman. My fWW was an easy woman to date, and it helped that she and I have shared interests.

And lastly I think that's one thing I like about my fWW: she's smart. I can have intellectual discussions with her about art, travel, history, music, politics, etc. She's smart as a whip and she stimulates my mind, and frankly I haven't come across many women who I can really sit down and have engaging conversations with.

So yeah...my fWW brings a lot to the table other than sex and wifely obligations. I guess that's why I'm loathe to part with her.