SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Robert.

I have tried dr.fone and iCloud WhatsApp backup. Luckily my wife activated her iCloud long time ago.

Dr.fone didn’t retrieve deleted messages as accurately as iCloud backup.

But the problem if the person is deleting texts as soon as they get it or right it and didn’t give time for iCloud to backup it will not appear. If someone has a better solution please share it.

"I couldn't sleep that night and suddenly I remembered her phone number is under my name so I pulled her call history online and found out she has been calling him for hours in the past 3 months. 2 hours the day before her trip."

@Recover

I know you want to believe your WW and want to R, but keep in mind your WW's explanation still has MAJOR FLAWS, there's NO WAY she didn't know OM was going to show up at the airport to travel with her like she now claims, come on, she emailed OM the flight details, they talked for hours during the previous 3 months and even for 2 HOURS THE DAY BEFORE THEIR TRIP and you still think she didn't know OM was going to show up at the airport ? come on you know this is BS, and Her NO explanation for OM's accommodations is another big FLAW in her story, your wife DID NOT make a MISTAKE, a mistake is when someone takes the wrong turn on a highway, your WW has been secretly, willingly and consciously having an A with OM, she CHOSE to have an A with OM (Not by Mistake), you say she's very careful, well she carefully tried to conceal her A even after you had plenty of proof, she got caught and only confessed/trickle truthed when confronted with overwhelming evidence.

Again, adults involved in As don't just go hop in to a plane for a PLANNED vacation resort for a week to sleep in different rooms (what if there was no more vacancy), you know OM did not sleep in no couch, the hotel would not allow this, they make money by renting rooms not couches, plus if you want to still give your WW the benefit of the doubt, she could have stopped this at any time but she didn't, she wanted to have an A with OM and of course that leads (or did lead) to sex. I'm afraid she's doing TT, so hope for the worst and prepare for the worst.

You have decided to R and I have no problem with that except I feel she's not telling you the truth and is not yet remorseful (too soon even after an EA), she's feeling guilty for having deceived you and for getting caught (true remorse normally comes after months of DD), keep all this in mind, I would still have her take a polygraph, but boy let me tell you, if this was a court of law your WW would be found GUILTY beyond "REASONABLE" doubt or at least by "PREPONDERANCE of EVIDENCE". Remember your WW has proven to you she's capable of cheating and a liar, so much so she denied, denied and denied it all up until you went to OM's house to confirm they were going to the same place, she intended to keep this going and it would be still had you not found out.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 6:20 PM, September 4th (Tuesday)]

^This^ Seriously, what Buster said.

You buy this load of tripe without a polygraph I guarantee you will have reason to come back to SI in the future. You sound like your mind is made up, so best of luck

Also the reason his name comes up in autofill for Gmail over your name is that she has emailed him more often.

R is entirely your decision (with or without a confession of sex) and we support whatever you chose to do.

You're being cautioned to not let her avoid

confessing to the physical part of this affair because it will enable her to treasure her affair as a romantic fling/fantasy between star crossed lovers (where nobody was hurt).

In order for her to stop cheating, she needs to first acknowledge and examine the ugly truth of what she has done under the harsh light of exposure. When exposed her secret changes from a magical romantic fling/fantasy to the ugly hurtful act of betrayal that it is – and then and only then will she be motivated to fix herself.

Whatever you decide we will support you. You are not alone!

I made my fww do a polygraph. Listen to this you deserve the truth !

We’re here to support you. But we are also here to give you our experience and hopefully that helps you make decisions about your future. She is lying to you about the level this affair reached. The bastard is also lying to you. Big time. You honestly believe he didn’t have a room to go to when he got to his destination? Seriously? He spent the night with your wife in their joint room. You can’t see that? If you don’t get the complete truth you will forever be hounded with mind movies of what may or may not have occurred. Polygraph is your best bet. I know you want to not believe she had sex with him but we are all telling you based on the information you have provided that it is almost a certainty they did get very intimate. I’m sorry that you don’t want to believe that but I would not buy her story at all. She trickle truthed you then minimised. That’s a red flag.

[This message edited by Mene at 8:11 PM, September 4th (Tuesday)]

Recovering: I'm mindful of what I said above. I'm also mindful of what many of the subsequent posters have reminded you of, which is that there was a LOT of communication between the two of them preceding the trip. Clearly, it was planned to meet there.

As I said, sex can be awkward. Even for single, sex-minded people. I had a very active sex life when single. Plenty of sex with plenty of women. But also there were instances where I was sure I was getting laid, only to end up in the room with a woman having second thoughts (and I'm gentleman enough to back off if she's not into it). And there were one or two occasions where I was the one with second thoughts. My point is, there are a lot of cylinders that need to all be firing in synch for two people to actually have sex, even if they get together in a private bedroom with the apparent intention to fuck.

So it is possible in your WW's case that she (a) had an EA with this man, which they took steps to consummate on that trip, but (b) didn't consummate, possibly because your message (or was it a call) to her cock-blocked the act.

It is also possible she is lying to you. Experience here on SI has shown that it is often the case that a WS will lie about the extent and nature of the A, will admit only that to which there is direct proof, and will minimize everything. This is so ubiquitous some use the phrase "the cheater's handbook".

It is also common for a BH, in the trauma of post-D pain, will grasp for straws in an effort to want to believe his WW's minimizing and lies.

I would caution you on this point. Be honest with yourself. If you have any nagging doubt, I guaranty it will gnaw at your soul and will crop back up later if you rug-sweep it. It is perfectly legitimate to simply tell her you don't believe her, if that is in fact the case. You don't need proof of the act to believe in your heart she is lying.

Only you know her. More important, only you know yourself. I'll reiterate, my friend. Be honest with yourself about that nagging doubt thing. It will be cancer in your soul if you move on while harboring any of that.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:43 AM, September 5th (Wednesday)]

You are rug sweeping this. Please take some time to review this again:

1.She was speaking with and meeting with him for months and you thought:

They haven't been in contact for three years as far as I know.

2.She then unequivocally:

Denied that she is meeting him and that she hadn't been in contact with him for months

3.You stated:

We have had a rough 5 months with our marriage

It was very hard. she became irritated easily, mean sometimes.

4.She:

Genuinely admits the EA it started to be serious 5 months ago

Your marriage problems started 5 months ago, the very time she became emotionally involved with him.

5.She claims this was not planned and that the email was accidentily sent to him, yet:

I pulled her call history online and found out she has been calling him for hours in the past 3 months. 2 hours the day before her trip.

These significant lies were compounded many times as you investigated their meet up and questioned her afterwards.

Please reconsider and insist that she takes a Polygraph which is far, far better than her disingenuous fairy tale:

The police, FBI, CIA and major corporations utilize polygraphs. Are they infallible? Of course not and they will only be as good as the operator administering them. Are they better than your internal truth detector? Absolutely because when it comes to your WW your's simply doesn't work.

Honesty and Remorse are essential for a successful R, right now your WW is NOT remorseful (just regrets getting caught), she began an A and it started to get "SERIOUS" 5 months ago, serious As with in close proximity/contact normally turn to PA within a very short time (1-2 months), she's only admitted to the EA because that's all you've been able to prove at this point (typical cheater behavior), she lied for months (maybe years) and denied, denied, denied until the irrefutable proof was in front of her staring at her that she had been caught, she's been talking for HOURS with OM for the last 3 months and they have been meeting (opportunity for kissing, groping, hugging and/or sex), they even talked on the phone for 2 HOURS the day before THEIR trip.

Are you telling us you believe her that two adults involved in a "serious" A did not talk about their planned 7 day vacation trip during all those phone calls up to the day before the trip? and that she did not know OM was going to show up like she now claims ? Come on, you KNOW this is BS, you KNOW the OM sleeping in the coach story is BS (They planned to sleep together), press her on this, DEMAND a polygraph, she will probably cave before she takes it or fail it, if you decide to R this quickly these unanswered questions will haunt you for years, you should to DEMAND a written complete timeline of the A then polygraph.

I agree with Buster123. Spot on, buddy.

@Recoveringheart

Check in.

I have a different point of view.

If you have decided to R - good for you. Much success.

Whether it was an EA or PA - it may not be an important detail

To you. You know she lied and cheated. That may be enough details and information.

It is up to you as to what you “need” or want to know.

My H had an A. It was an EA turned PA. They both swear there was no sex. I know they kissed. They have both admitted that. Do I believe them? Hell no.

Sex is a broad term. I believe there may not have been intercourse but believe there was sexual interaction. I find it hard to believe there was no intercourses but based on things I saw written between them, it appears there was not.

But he did spend a very late late night at her apartment. Just once. They are adults. But I do believe there was sex. Who cares if it’s “intercourse” or not. They had sex. They cheated. They lied.

End of story. I moved past it. I no longer care. I told him what I believe and no matter what he says or does I won’t change my mind. Case closed. The OW told me there was no sex.

But he was D me to be with the OW. And there was no sex?! I’m not an idiot.

It’s just not the most important thing tonsome people. In my mind cheating is cheating. End of story. Details are not that important (to me).

What will it change if there was sex in this case? Nothing. His wife still cheated and lied.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:30 AM, September 7th (Friday)]

What will it change if there was sex in this case? Nothing. His wife still cheated and lied.

If you're going to D then I agree it makes no difference at all because you are detaching from that person.

If you're going to go for R, well, for me I would not want to be second-guessing what I'm recovering from, I would want the full story purely to stop my imagination and going down rabbit-holes.

It's funny though, my WW still denies sex and I don't believe her, and the fact that she isn't fighting the D makes me question why you would give up so much for a "friend"?

Sorry to hijack.

@Recoveringheart

Obviously EA is not a deal breaker for you. What about a PA? Will your outlook of your relationship change? Will you able to accept a full blown A? If you can, then there's really nothing else to discuss here.

If you are trying to reconcile, then you need to have the full truth. (The level of detail needed is up to you).

As it stands, her story is very hard to believe.

You need ALL of the TRUTH to move forward. Please have your wife write out a timeline and use a polygraph to verity it. There is no reconciling without the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I truly believe that they conspired to spend a vacation together. It may not be the first time. Please get the truth. Don't put yourself through this.

RH

She is claiming it was only an EA so I’m assuming she claims to never having kissed him – let me know if that assumption is incorrect. I would think that the fact that she deliberately lied to you regarding OM traveling with her to the resort and about her recent contact with OM plus the fact that OM did not have a reservation at the resort and was expecting to stay in her room although he supposedly had never even kissed her must leave you with some lingering doubt whether you have gotten the full truth. You need to understand that doubt will periodically plague you whenever she is late coming home from work, whenever she is taking much longer than usual to do her shopping or when she is away at conferences. That doubt may be with you throughout the life of your marriage.

However, having her take a polygraph can help erase those doubts. Now is the time to be asking for the Polygraph as you are only 2 months out from D Day and less than a week from getting her version. The longer you wait the more difficult it will be to make that request. Tell her OM actions seem to make no sense if he had never even kissed her and that her passing a polygraph containing a question of ever having kissed will put those doubts to rest and you will know that your R is being built on a foundation of truth.

If she agrees to the test and then actually takes it, that by itself will indicate she is probably being truthful. A liar might agree to a test hoping that they could later avoid actually take the test which is why it is so important the polygraph actually be given. If she is reluctant then tell her that if the situation were reversed that you would gladly take one to prove to her that you were telling the truth.

Generally the examiner will restrict you to 3 or 4 yes or no questions. If the Poly indicates she fails any or all of the questions then you will need to ask her why she might have failed. If she does fail any part you could even allow her to discuss it with her IC and then retake the test using another examiner if she so desires. I doubt it would come to that because most people who aren’t being honest simply refuse to take the test or break down and confess what they are hiding prior to taking the test.

Please save yourself future years of pain and doubt. Request that she take the polygraph. I support your decision to R but please do this last step as it will help prevent it being a false R.

Recovering, how are you doing?

RH, I wish you all the luck. I know that it's hard to believe that someone you love and trust would do these things. I sure didn't believe that my wife would do what she did, either. Let me ask you this: if you saw her going into a motel room with this guy, would you believe that they were just going to watch tv?

Hello everyone. I have been away dealing with our relationship.

As I said before I have decided to reconciliate and move on. Now I’m working on healing and fixing our marriage.

The problem I’m facing the most is the anger I have toward the OM. He lives in the same city and I knew him as a colleague.

I have an urge to face him and kick the shit out of him and scare the hell out of him.

How do you guys deal with that?