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You mentioned earlier that she wants to move on and she gets mad when you bring it up. That was a massive red flag.

Then you found something potentially incrimating on her phone. She breaks down, TAKES THE PHONE, and runs to her Mom’s house. Another massive red flag

When confronted at her Moms house it sounds like she did not reveal anything new but she gives you the phone. Now I hope she underestimated your snooping ability and you can find the incriminating evidence she thought she was deleting off that phone for the last 24 hours.

Sorry, but your wife is playing you sir.

First, kudos for confronting. Give yourself some credit for that. It's hard not to back down when what you really, really want is to believe your cheater. So, well done!

Next, I'm still having a hard time believing that an emotional affair with method, means, and opportunity didn't result in sex after 5 months. I agree with Mantorok that she didn't tell you anything you didn't already know. And while most cheaters will slip up, thinking themselves safe in keeping their electronic communications secure, some will not. Some people understand that anything they put in writing and send out electronically runs the possible risk of recovery. So, she wouldn't be worried about you finding proof of sex in her messaging if there's no proof to find. If they never had explicit messages, she can maintain her story.

I think it might be wise to go ahead and book the polygraph to see if she cracks. Of course, it's possible that you've got a unicorn on your hands and sex didn't happen. But if it did, you can't deal with what you don't know. IME, the cheater has to own their transgressions before they're willing to do the very difficult work of repair. If they "get away with it" so to speak, there's no impetus to do that hard work.

The other side of the equation is that if sex was a dealbreaker for you, you wouldn't have had the full agency of truth upon which to base your R or D decision. It kind of depends on whether you can live with that. In my case, knowledge of sex outside the marriage was traumatic... but continued lies about it were the intolerable dealbreaker. I think it all depends on your personality.

It's critical to stay in control. Do not admit to what you don't know yet. That includes not asking a specific question that reveals what you don't know. Be hard nosed. Don't answer any questions from her or her mother (you're not the cheater).

Regarding the overnight at the resort. You could bluff with: I sent photos of you two to the resort. I understand they have you two on a security cam video checking into a room as a couple (with 2 keys).

If you can't fully recover the deleted messages. You could bluff with: I've read some of them but can't print them out so I'm sending the phone to the factory to have them pull the messages. Meanwhile, based on what I've read so far and the endearments you two exchanged ... you're in love with him and fully intended to have sex ... so explain to me why our marriage is not over.

Not to pile on, but there definitely seems to be some kind of disconnect here. She was unwilling to talk about what happened, in tears yesterday about what you’d find out — but the story sounds basically the same. I definitely get the relief that believing her story brings but it’s temporary — I think your gut will start insisting there must be more.

Heart, I will probably repeat: now you need a detailed timeline and a polygraph test.

I know you want to think that nothing physical has happened because this hope protects you from pain. But don't you want to know the truth? Don't you want to figure out who is this woman you are spending your life with? There is a difference between pleasant and useful, and sometimes it is better to cut off your leg rather than being killed by gangrene.

This feeling of power that you are experiencing now is good, but it might also blind you. What you need now is not a short-term ego boost or a quick fix, but a solid ground that in the long-term will lead you to happy and healthy living, never mind alone or married.

On a separate note, I don't think her mother should be directly involved in your game, in a format of a three-way discussion. Your marriage is something that only two of you are in charge, not her mother. Of course she will stay around to help your daughter recover, but not help your marriage recover. Please think about it and consult with good books, IC and other sources of psychological wisdom.

Stay strong.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 10:51 AM, August 31st (Friday)]

Congratulations on standing your ground, now that you see the power has shifted to your side, don't let go, she's doing TT (trickle truth), besides intercourse, PA also means kissing, groping, bjs, etc.), DEMAND a complete written timeline of the A, DEMAND she sends a NC FOREVER letter to OM, one you approve and watch her hit send (no sweet goodbyes and no "last in person meeting for "clossure"), there was contact, she was going to be in the same room with OM to have sex, OM was not going to sleep in a hotel couch for a week (you KNOW this much), ask her where they've met during those 5 months, she admitted it's been 5 months since it got "serious" so it's been going on for much longer and btw some WW consider sex not a serious thing, we often hear the phrase "it was just sex" like it if was just a peck on the lips, so DEMAND she gets tested for STDs (another consequence of her infidelity).

Your wife is NOT remorseful yet, she DID NOT confess, she just regrets being CAUGHT (this is typical WW behaviour), she may feel the guilt for betraying you but not true remorse yet, not by a long shot, I guarantee you she's till pining for OM, remember this was a "serious A", ask her if she's in love with him, and if they discussed she leaving you for him.

Ask her if anyone else knew of the A (close friends or relatives) if anyone knew about it or enabled it, they have to go, they're not friends of the M and NC FOREVER with them should also be enforced, speaking of NC watch for a "burner phone", look in her car and around the house, install a VAR under her car seat to monitor NC with OM. You made a big step but you need to kick it up a notch. Keep posting frequently, this is a decisive moment, POLYGRAPH time !.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 12:29 PM, August 31st (Friday)]

Not going to labour the point, but she’s lying. Adults don’t have a 5 month EM and go to a resort together and not have sex if they haven’t already in the previous 5 months. Sorry, buddy, but she’s a compulsive liar. I’d continue to press for her to tell you the whole truth. She’s definitely trickle truthing you as she has from the beginning. She has form. It appears you are desperate to want to believe her. Because you fear the worst.

I agree with everybody else.

- avoid intimacy until you both get tested for STD

- get a detailed written timeline

- polygraph

Are you leaning toward R? Who knows, maybe she is mostly telling the truth, but don’t you think it would be best if you didn’t have any doubts? Because I can guarantee you that once the dust settles a little, you will have doubts.

If you believe her story, I have a bottle of air I'd like to sell you!

Could it be that your gullibility is one of the reasons she felt she could get away with her affair in the first place!

I agree with the others. You still aren't getting the whole truth. You are getting a truth that you both feel you can handle in order to stay married and reconcile. The problem is that without the whole truth it's going to be harder to reconcile. You are going to constantly wonder and its going to effect your trust. In a few months the real truth will come out and you are going to be back to base one but it will be far worse. Knowing that you spent the past few months believing her and she lied... I'd suggest telling her that because of her past lies you are having a hard time believing her story. It would really help you to begin to heal and trust if she were to take a poly. Watch her reaction if she flatly refuses you've got your answer but if she says yes don't take it as a sign that she is telling the truth... many, many people get parking lot confessions, or they think they can "beat the system".

What I'm trying to say is that even if you don't think you want the whole truth... it would be better to get it now and work to recover then to live with the questions and/or find out later after you feel you've recovered.

This is a safe place to share your fears and conflicting emotions as well as to seek day to day advice. Check in frequently.

You are not alone!

I’m sorry you’re here.

You don’t invite another man to a resort for an EA.

She’s sorry she got caught. That’s not remorse.

You are still in denial because you don’t want the truth. Pretty typical upfront but you do need to wake up.

Everyone sees it for what it is.

Nothing special but a typical affair. It is not typical to you but she’s following the cheater script

@Recoveringheart

If you are satisfied with the story that your WW provided you to move forward and start your healing and reconciliation process, we the posters in SI, are happy for you. It seems that almost all the posters, including me, knows that there are a lot of details she left out. The reason why she admitted to the few months long EA is because you have evidence of it. From your previous posts, you pretty much stated that she is capable of deceiving you.

It’s easier for posters to assess your reltionship since we are from the outside looking in. We have no stock on the relationship where things such as emotions play a big factor on what or what not to believe. Don’t ignore the facts that her story doesn’t add up.

Have you bought the sleeping arrangement during their trip? You can verify if there’s a couch in the business center by calling the hotel.

they haven't been in contact for three years as far as I know. we have had a rough 5 months with our marriage mainly because we are not spending enough time with each other, I was trying my best to be a good husband and meet her emotional needs. hoewever, it was very hard. she became irritated easily, mean sometimes.

She was neck deep in the affair. If they have contact it was a physical affair. And he lives close doesn't he.

I called my wife to tell her I saw a guy who looks like him and she denied knowing anything.

Cheaters lie, hide and deny.

I checked my wife's emails and I see that she forwarded the airlines tickets to his email. then I went to the guys house just to check if he is there and his younger sister told me he is travelling to the same place my wife is going.

I was so in shock I couldn't believe what's happening so I called my wife and she was so calm and denied that she is meeting him and that she hadn't been in contact with him for months.

More lies to cover her ongoing affair.

I couldn't sleep that night and suddenly I remembered her phone number is under my name so I pulled her call history online and found out she has been calling him for hours in the past 3 months. 2 hours the day before her trip.

They spent the night together. This wasn't the first time. This was planned so they could have a week alone together.

anyways, I confronted her that night and told her everything, she couldn't deny anymore. she flew back the next day. was very remorseful and sorry.

Nope. Sorry she got caught. You weren't supposed to find out and interrupt her and her lovers getaway.

we were both in bad shape and we vowed to be honest from now own. she told me that he is a good friend and he was supporting her during her depressive phase for the last 3 months.

More lies. Vows (even marital ones) mean nothing to her.

and that although he was in the same resort she was supposed to be alone and that she may meet him for dinner occasionally and maybe snorkel together. but nothing more than that.

Laughable. It was a sexual rendezvous.

you don't want to see it because it's early and your still in denial somewhat. Clarity will come if you open your eyes and mind.

Right now you still have her up on a pedestal. You can't believe it. She wouldn't lie but she did. She wouldn't cheat but she did.

Look man she spent a lot of time and effort planning this out. It just didn't happen and thus wasn't the first time either. It was a very conscious, willing decision on her part. There are no excuses.

This is a part of who she is. Selfish, deceitful, untrustworthy.

Better wake up now.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:38 AM, September 1st (Saturday)]

I think he said earlier that his primary concern is the impact of D on his kids.

All choices are less than optimal for both father and kids. My opinion is that(as long as their basic needs are cared for)whatever enables Dad to have the most self respect is in the long run best for the kids.

Any other thoughts or experiences to add?

I am glad the other day went better than expected. I tend to be over cautious.

There is no way the hotel allowed an unregistered person to sleep in the business center.

RH, I’m concerned when you say that you are beginning to believe WW that it was not a PA. To me it seems almost impossible that it wasn’t a PA. It’s clear that they intended to stay together as he didn’t have a room reserved, claimed he slept on a couch in the resort business center and then flew back the next day. If he would have had a separate reservation or if his home was hundreds of miles away it might have been possible that it had only been a EA up to that point. But this OM lives close enough for you to drive to his house to check if he was home. You said your WW has known him since her master’s program and their friendship was close enough for you to say

I have been having jealousy problems with this guy since she met him.

There was ample opportunity for them to have met face to face and it is ridiculous to believe they never even kissed before deciding to flying to a resort where they would be secretly be staying in the same room. They are not two 12year old adolescents but are sexually active adults who would immediately go from the first kiss to intimate touching and then sex.

It’s imperative for you to convince your WW to tell you the truth and for you to not rugsweep. You should not believe that WW has learned her lesson and that this experience by itself will prevent any new infidelity in the future. I’m certain WW strongly regrets her infidelity and the affect it is having on her life and marriage but she still hasn’t done the work to determine what is broken within herself that allowed her to do it.

If she keeps secrets and doesn’t give you the full truth of what she has done then the lesson she will be learning is that you are so desperate not to lose her that you are willing to believe anything she tells you. She can retain her secret of the physical part of this affair and can treasure the fantasy of being star crossed lovers. Instead, she needs to examine the truth of what she has done under the harsh light of exposure. When exposed to the light her secret will change from a magical fantasy to the ugly act of betrayal that it is.

If you don’t insist on complete honesty any R you attempt will be built on a foundation of lies.

I’m not sure how many times I’ve written about the following on your situation but here goes again: there is about 0.001% chance she didn’t have sex with him. It’s still a chance, albeit a very, very slim one. Tell your wife she needs to do a polygraph. She’s lying to your face.

Well said 40YOSL

dude... dude.... rugsweep ?