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Do WS really truly regret the A, once they have been caught and become accountable. It amazes me that so many (my WS included) say they didn't think of the consequences. I think chose not to is more apt, as they had enough about them to keep it secret, to lie, or manipulate the truth so they kid themselves they are not lieing.

We are 10 months into reconciliation and my WS seems truly remorseful and thanks me every day for giving us a chance.

However I am still trying to manage the pain. I hate seeing office romances on TV and if I am not in a strong enough place, chasnge the mood of the room instantly. I hate living like this, I hate how the innocence of our relationship has been lost and I experience triggers. Seeing new relationships start out on TV fills me with nausea of how they (Ws and AP) experienced that. I get sucked into the rabbit hole of hating how what we had didn't have enough of a value for him to stop. It went on for such a long time. Why do we stay and try to reconcile. I hate how he has memories of this relationship within our timeline. How do you ever really get over that to lead a fulfilling relationship.

I know mine doesn't our kids asked him if he was sorry for what he has done and he said NO I'm sorry for how it has made you feel but I don't regret it. He is still in the fog in my opinion.

YES. I regret it so much. Not only do I regret it but thinking about it makes my physically ill. But what it did do is make the horrible state of our marriage be front and center and has led us to try to fix it, but that is still to be determined if we will actually make it.

While I was in my affair I did not think through the consequences. I figured if my husband found out he would be happy and leave. I honestly thought that. I thought it wouldn't be a big deal and we would just go our separate ways. I had never had an affair or engaged in any type of wayward behavior before. I was in such a depression, in such a bad place in our marriage, I just thought, well, he will be relieved and he can go.

I regret my choice to have an affair, I think back of all the times I could have stopped it, all the times I DID stop it, just go go right back. What I can say now is that I know the warning signs, I know my boundaries and I know it is something I would never engage in again. You husband probably has associated those memories in that time line as negative, I know for me it is almost like a mental health aspect where my mind has blocked out a lot of it. I just cannot go there and if I have thoughts I can quickly associate with negative emotions. It was not that you did not have enough value, it was that he valued himself more, he was selfish. I am sure now he realizes that he really valued himself SO little that he allowed himself to go there.

Every day is an up and a down, we are 18 months out and it is still a rollercoaster!

How do I say this?.... I think in hind sight my WH regrets having his A's. Like you said, I think my WH knew the possible consequences of his actions, he just didn't care at the time. Now that he is facing the actual consequences I do think he'd do things differently. May too little too late for us though...

I'm sure most regret it, it's the remorse that's hard to come by.

IMO, I think some do regret and have remorse, others do not.

I think before and during the A, justification, minimization and rationalization is so strong and present they cannot think about the consequences. As many have said, my WW too believed I no longer loved her and she knew it would "hurt" but knowing I didn't love her any more, it wouldn't hurt that bad. No thought to the impact on family, the tenaticles, the impact to the other family. It was all me, me, me, me.

She snapped out of that mentality real quick, when she saw me curled up in the corner in the dark rocking and crying. She knew her theory of "I didn't love her anymore" went out the window. The regret, remorse and guilt are ever present daily......She just said yesterday, she didn't know if the guilt would ever go away.

Sunny Are you working with a good IC? someone trained and experienced, a specialist in betrayal trauma? If not please consider that as a step toward regaining your life. Regular, weekly meetings in a support group can also make a huge difference.

You're asking if a betrayer can truly regret the A? Of course many regret what they've done but that doesn't make for delete or rewind button. They can't undo what they've done. And we can't just erase it from our new consciousness. There will be triggers. The roller coaster is real.

People who have been dealing with betrayal trauma for many years note that it typically takes from 3-5 years to recover; it can take longer. It's very rare to recover-to be post-trauma in one year and you are only 10 months out.

On a practical note, if some TV shows trigger you, make you sick to your stomach, don't watch such shows. You can stop watching TV altogether--find something pleasant and innocent and enjoyable to do instead. Spend time with friends and family; spend time with and give time to your support group. Exercise. Do jigsaw puzzles; keep a journal; write a memoir. Engage in a favorite hobby; take up a new one; do volunteer work.

A lot of attention has been given these past ten years or so to complex trauma and how to overcome it. We who have been betrayed can take advantage of the new tools and knowledge that's become available.

You need not manage your pain alone; you should not even try to manage it alone. So please gather your support team and put your energy into helping Sunny get sunny again; and perhaps take your focus from how to "lead a fulfilling relationship" and redirect it to how you an lead a fulfilling life--find your joy again. There's plenty of time to decide about the other--at least 3-5 years.

[This message edited by marji at 2:50 PM, September 4th (Tuesday)]

Honestly, I think that most regret the negative impact on their lives, but not that they cause anyone else any harm.

Think about it, they are selfish and all about maximizing their enjoyment in life, at any cost. Regret over what they lose is just another example of that.

they don't regret it

the regret the consequences

if it was with out any consequences they don't give a fuck

[This message edited by max2018 at 3:30 PM, September 4th (Tuesday)]

Mine doesn’t. Regrets getting caught, regrets the consequences, but he’s too caught up in himself to show the kind of regret and remorse that we would need to reconcile.

I think that most regret the negative impact on their lives, but not that they cause anyone else any harm

they regret the consequences

^^I believe these are mostly accurate statements.

I know my WH regrets the A. Down to the core of his soul. Part of it is seeing the damage it has done to me and our family and every other aspect of his life, but a great deal of it is having to live with the consequences of his actions. He had to find another job, deal with my rage and depression, explain to the kids what he had done, give up his lifelong passion in the martial arts, and lost so many friends, no longer able to socialize on the job among many other things.

He never thought he'd get caught bc OW was a co-worker who worked at a site on the opposite coast.

Once he got caught, he had an epiphany that actions have consequences. Consequences weren't even on his radar during the A.

[This message edited by annb at 4:44 PM, September 4th (Tuesday)]

Yes, I do believe my H regrets his A every single day. He has seen the fallout that not only effects he and I but our kids, the mutual friendships we shared with the other couple, our place in our community and our marriage. There will never be just a good day. There will always be an undercurrent in our happiness. He has shown regret and true remorse for his actions, not just getting caught.

The sad part is that he thought it was just fun and no one would get hurt bc no one would find out. He’s ashamed of himself. We often remind our kids that “integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is watching”. What a difficult price he paid to learn the meaning of that.

they don't regret it

the regret the consequences

if it was with out any consequences they don't give a fuck

You couldn’t have missed the mark more if you tried.

I have not had a dday yet I live with regret and remorse every single day.

As for not giving a fuck, I’ve been here for almost 2 years because I have nothing better to do

To be fair, I didn’t give two shits during the affair. I was getting my jollies so who cares right? Selfish, self centered cake eater extraordinaire, that was me. Short of murder, this was by far the single worst thing I’ve ever done in my life. Compounding that is I did it willingly. This was no mistake, no momentary lapse in judgement. This was a concious decision that I made over and over and over again.

So yeah, I know there are those among us that truly regret what we’ve done.

I know mine does. I am sure there are some that don't. I don't regret revenge cheating.

I think making blanket statements simply is useless in these situations.

We're all wired differently.

What I don't get is how they just drop the AP and want to work on the horrible marriage at that point. Suddenly they want to stay with the person they couldn't stand before and talked ugly about to the AP. Suddenly they love the BS and can't stand the AP even though the BS finds the texts and emails of the love declarations. They say they didn't really love them they just said stuff to keep it going. Hmmmm. So if they do that to the AP then why would the BS believe it was genuine to them?

She was the most beautiful woman in the world to him- his dream girl. All right. Go be with her. Oh, no. I was never gonna leave. I don't want her. You don't want your dream girl? You don't want to be with the most beautiful woman in the world? You risked everything to be with her. So, why not be with her?

I don't get it. How can they really regret what they risked everything for? And kept risking everything for....

My WH said, "I didn't think you loved me anymore." But when I was the one who suggested that we work on things (had no idea he was in the middle of an affair), he had to know I cared but he didn't stop the affair. He just accepted sex from me as well. He didn't tell her that he was taking me on date nights. He didn't tell her that I had told him if he didn't try that I was going to leave him and he had begged me to stay. Why beg me to stay when you have found your dream girl? And why take her on a trip if it was only me you wanted? Such BS! Why did he want to go have sex with her when he could have it at home and the sex with her was just plain ole sex? Why risk it? Why after I find out about the affair did he suddenly think I was the most beautiful woman in the world and want me? It makes no sense. His thinking makes no sense and that makes me realize that I was never special to him. We never had anything special. I don't believe they truly regret it. They had their fun that they knew would hurt us or they wouldn't have gone to such lengths to hide it. They got caught with their hand in the cookie jar but they had plenty of cookies beforehand. They do it until they get caught and then suddenly we are the most important thing in the world to them. Sorry, I don't buy it at all.

I believe they regret the consequences, the losses, the respect of the family and children if they were informed, the not able to look themselves in the mirror without seeing an unfaithful person when they hated those before, the pain they have caused the people they loved the most but the actual affair and all the joys that brought to their lives at that moment, I don't think there are a vast majority regretting that.

They regret being caught and not able to get on the time machine and return to what it was before now that they know and live the consequences hence you seeing that they don't believe it was love, they never stopped loving their Bs., it was a fantasy.

I get drunk in Vegas, play roulette which I have never played before, lost a good amount of money, had the most fun of my life, felt alive and happy.

I will regret the money loss but the happiness, the best time of my life, I doubt it.

I have not had a dday yet I live with regret and remorse every single day.

Why haven't you disclosed the A?

Mine regrets that he got caught and the consequences (he has no idea that the worst consequences are yet to come) He regrets that he got diseases but doesn’t regret that he gave them to me. Everything is about him. He pretended remorse for a bit but now I see right through him. He doesn’t regret risking his family as he knew that an affair meant a divorce (I told him that many times over the years as both of his parents were cheaters) He hates the consequences (that he claims he never thought of) but if he really regretted it he would never have spoke to his AP again. I have a feeling I will find out soon that this was not his first affair.... He sure fooled me. I envy those who have remorseful WS who are doing the work and utterly devastated at what they have done to their spouse and are TRULY doing all they can forever to atone for it. Unfortunately my sorry ass dirty dicked cheating husband is not one of them and is a habitual liar who not only lied on our wedding day and broke every promise he ever made to me but is caught so deeply in his web of lies that he may never get out because he would not know the truth if it sat in his face.....

ff4152, "I have not had a dday yet I live with regret and remorse every single day."

What is it that you actually regret? What is the remorse related to?

I am asking because is the regret to do with some other consequence (not a DDay obviously) - either internal or external to yourself - or is it that there IS a consequence of sorts (knowing that DDay COULD happen at some point and the fear of what that would entail)?

Regret? Sure!

Feel remorse? Different story altogether.

I think very few actually get to a place of true remorse. And remorse comes from seeing the pain you've inflicted on your BS and wanting to take it away from them bc you can't stand seeing them suffer bc of your actions. No DDay = no remorse.