SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(((((Falc))))))

You're doing everything you can to recover but mostly it just takes time.

I am forever scarred now.

Yup. I'm 3 years out now and have come to accept the scars. You will get there. Probably much more quickly if you maintain NC. Stay here on SI for awhile and help others who are going through this...that will help you too. Post in the D forum if she tries to screw you over during the D proceedings.

I just don't really feel like a weight is off my shoulders at all.

Gently, your clinging to the beautiful wife idea that perhaps at some point you did have but that reality is long gone. Your WW knowingly disregarded your marriage to chase a fantasy. She had repeatedly shown you exactly who she really is, and it's not the idea you had in your head.

Grieve the loss of hopes and dreams. That's natural. But practice self care and in time you will feel the weight of the drama your WW brought to your life dissipate.

This is a her problem. You know the steps to take and how to take them. As soon as you start actively doing them and practicing real NC, not dreaming up scenarios to "need" to talk to her, the easier it will get.

I don't think your hopes and dreams involve being your WW's back up plan.

She's shown you who she is. Believe her.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Kaia73 at 10:36 AM, October 25th (Thursday)]

I'm pulling this quote you poated about a week ago that realy stuck out at me -

This is a huge blow to me and I am terrified that I won't find anyone else.

I'm guessing your biggest obstacle right now is FEAR. You divorcing you WW is like having to go wade out into the deep end of the ocean of life without the life preserver. You're not sure you have the strength and the courage to do this, but you can. You fear drowning in that "big wide open", but you are going to find out later that not only can swim out there, you can also breath in it just fine.

Believe this or not, Falc, you will find what your heart desires when you least expect it. So, don't worry about being alone forever. Statistically, this is not possible unless you WANT to be alone. As many people there are in this world you are bound to find not only someone else to share your life with but also a better person. To increase the chances of finding that better woman you need to work on fixing your "picker". To work on fixing your "picker", you need to first heal yourself and also invest the time and energy to be a better Falc than he was before. Not for your WW, not for the next Mrs Falc, not for anyone else. Just you. At the time you will know what and who you are looking for with clarity.

Getting to feeling good again does not happen in 24hrs. This won't happen within a week. You may have noticeable changes within the first month but this will be a long journey of typically 2 years of finding yourself again and being stronger as a result. Yes, infidelity survivors tend to be a VERY strong bunch. That's why we have 2x4s here.

You get there as soon as you start taking those small steps of moving forward into your new beginning and away from the old marriage.

One more nugget I've learned from my experience is that the best relationships are ones developed by people who do not "need" a relationship. Where each partner is individually strong.

Falc,

I haven't been following your thread until this morning, but I got to about page 3 and could tell how this was going to end. Sorry it was this way, but you've got the best advice anywhere from these people here.

Take the ring and walk away. Time to look forward, not back. You have a whole new life and adventure ahead of you. In time, you will see that it was the best thing for you.

The price you paid was for experience, wisdom and strength. The old adage of when one door closes another opens is so true. You need to look around at all the new doors for you to explore.

You can do this, my friend.

I just don't really feel like a weight is off my shoulders at all.

I know it's a 4-letter word, but TIME does make a difference. Be patient, slog through your grief and I promise you will see the other side. It may be gradual but you will get there and suddenly you will forget what that weight felt like.

I have become very interested in the work of the Stoic philosophers and the idea of time "healing" wounds is something they discussed. Just today in the Daily Stoic email that I get this was the topic. Basically the idea is that time doesn't really heal as much as it allows you to get some idea of the true impact of something that happened to us. From the email because it can say it better than I can:

Time doesn’t make things better or worse, it simply makes them what they are. That’s why the Stoics talk about not rushing to judgment about anything, about waiting and seeing. Because we don’t know. Just giving something time isn’t automatically going to make it better--but it does at least give things a chance to shake out, for us to see the full picture. If there is one aphorism about time that we CAN rely on, that the Stoics would agree with, it's that 'time will tell.'

Time won't heal you but with some time you will probably see this betrayal for what it really is. You'll see that your life is better off for not having someone that toxic in it. Good luck to you.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 1:23 PM, October 25th (Thursday)]

Your WW is angry because she knows she fucked up big time, but she has too much pride to admit it to you so she would rather blame you. That is not the self-awareness and behavior of an adult. In many ways she never grew up. She's a child, and you should be glad you are freeing yourself from a child.

See my tagline?

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone."

By the Stoic philosopher Epictetus.

Falc – What will get you through this is a combination of TIME and WORK. You decide you don’t want to be miserable and then work at it. Simply deciding won’t make you feel any better but combine it with work (like we suggest; gym, tasks, socializing…) and take our word for it – you will get over this.

I have to say that I'm glad that your WW was finally straight with you. You now have no choice but to move on (no more hopium). File as soon as you get home, start taking her off of your insurance as soon as your lawyer says you can. You can now go full NC knowing that you have tried your best.

I'd be angry if I were you. It appears the only things that bothered her about this pending divorce is that you will financially be better off than she will. Please only give her what your lawyer says you have to. Do not "help her out financially" except where the law says you have to. She decided to cheat and then decided she didn't want to work on the marriage... she doesn't get any financial perks.

Please move forward with the divorce quickly. The longer you stay married the longer she can do something to your credit. She has answered your question clearly.

I'm sorry for what you are going through and I wish you could see that it isn't you that has the problem (it's her). Your young, hard working, have a good job, live in a great state, faithful... you are going to meeting someone that is so much more deserving of your love. Once you start to really detach I think you are going to have a much clearer picture of how broken you WW is.

Where are your friends (male friends) in all of this? My friends did not allow me to wallow in pity. Mourn the death of your marriage, but time to strap on the boots.

Sign up for classes (gym, mma, cooking, etc). Anything to get your mind off.

Falc

Sorry for the outcome. Though you knew it was a good chance of it going to fruition. We have been there too. As for myself and others, we can say with certainty, you will heal and see life in a positive light again.

The question is, how long will you allow yourself to wallow in this misery before you make the personal choice to heal yourself? You say that you cant see the future. Here is a hint, most of us can't. Try living for today. Make those conscious decisions that improve yourself. Eating right, dressing up, being active in work and socially. Make a list of all the wrongs she did. And make a new bucket list for yourself. Start with simple things to accomplish, like decorating your house, rearranging the furniture. Stay active at gym, start new social hobbies, meet new people. Try to find something positive in each new day. Retrain your mind to look at the little things that make you happy. In time with the work you put in, you will find you way to happiness again.

By the way, when my XWGF broke my heart over 25 years ago, I thought much the same. Little did I now that my future wife live right around the corner from me and I knew since childhood. Things happen for a reason. Start your new adventure in life. Be sad for what you had and lost, yet look and find what you brought to the relationship and can one day offer to someone else.

If you find going to church rewarding for helping you find answers to those unanswerable questions, please continue. Wish you the best moving forward out of infidelity.

Lol she unfriended me. It's so crazy.

I have been nothing but calm and gracious to her while she has dragged me through the mud. This is the most heartless person I have ever met and the night before I found out she was a cheater she was telling me how much she loved me. I fucking hate people and I fucking hate this pain. There is no weight off my shoulders, it's actually worse because I know it's over and I'll never see her again. How can someone be so fucking heartless, it makes no sense to me. How can you have no moral compass? I literally fucking hate everyone and everything. She ruined me in every way and it's all my fucking fault apparently. I don't think I'll be able to trust or love again.

Stop letting other people define you.

Your old lady is phucked up, so let her be phucked up.

I mean folks can have a screwed up wife, or a shyty boss, even messed up kids.....but at the end of the day...it's not what knocks you down that counts, it's how you get back up that matters!

Get your ass up off the ground, dust your self off and carry on. Shyt gets better so make it better and quit phucking around with losers and make shyt happen for your self!

Been there done that and it sucks big time...but no one will define me or get the best of me as long as I'm still able to get back up and fight off the bullshyt they try to throw at me!

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 10:32 PM, October 25th (Thursday)]

She ruined me in every way and it's all my fucking fault apparently. I don't think I'll be able to trust or love again.

No, she hasn't ruined you. You won't hate people forever. And none of this is your fault.

When you go through something like this and you survive, you become stronger.

The phrase "Iron sharpens Iron" comes to mind.

You are beginning a journey to where your are becoming a much stronger person.

This is pure hell right now, but just listen to those of us who have been in your shoes.

You WILL make it. Several of us are over here on the other side just watching and waiting for you to make it.

Much love brother.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 8:24 AM, October 26th (Friday)]

Falc

You will recover from this just like everyone

here has done in the past.

This does not define you

How you pick yourself up and put yourself back

together....that's what defines you

Focus on yourself...do things you want to do

Read some books and get some codepedency counseling.

Everything will be ok it just takes time.

You cannot change others. Now your best reponse should be to prosper in every thing you do and live to the best you can. You have been victimized but just getting abosorbed in it only harm you and even may give WW perverted satisfaction

You don't know it yet falc, but she has done you a favor. Right now it feels like your life is over and there's no future where you end up happy. We've all been there. Though you don't see how, you'll get through and over this. You're going to find that your life is better because of what's happened. That weight is going to lift; you're going to remember the date and what you were doing when it does. You've got a great future ahead of you. You'll see that I and other poster's were correct. It's about you and your future now. Take care of yourself.

Yeah I hear you all. It's just so hard to see when my mind is so dark. You've all been through it and I am just getting into the worst of it. Just feels so awful. How anyone could do this to someone is beyond me.