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Falc-

I know that after my former WxW left it would take me hours to lose the "life is crap" feeling. But you know what? Each day the life is crap feeling faded a little bit. Time does that, so does living your life hanging with friends and the dog.

After a month, usually the crap feeling would be an hour instead of half the day. Eventually, there were times I would realize that I am not thinking her or the M.

Hang in there. You have friends IRL and thousands of people here who were right where you are today, and the vast majority of us made it through the shitstorm.

Just doesn't compute with me and I don't know why

Because you are not a cheater nor do you have the mindset of one.

You indicated earlier that she had no justification for her accusations. It was all about her. You just have to move on. Basically if you are happy with yourself as a person then you can deal with most things life throws at you. So continue to work on yourself and one day she will be but a distant memory that leaves a bad taste in your mouth but nothing more.

She texted me asking for login information for the car loan. Ugh. Every time she contacts me it's purely about finances, yet I'm the one who only cares about money. The car loan is in my name.

Ignore

Was thinking about responding tomorrow and just telling her how much is owed.

She is or very likely is getting her ducks in a row for the divorce or has contacted an attorney. This is why she has the interests in financial records and issues. She will aggressively begin working on her own behalf and attempting to further her self-interests. I suggest you see your attorney ASAP and follow their guidance. Do not interact with her unless your attorney directs you to do so. There is a time and place for providing financial records and it likely is not now and by you. Treat the divorce as a business negotiation to the extent possible. The less drama and emotions the better.

I second Ripped62

She doesn't care about you but her family is guiding her on the finances. Maybe even the boyfriend. Better wake up quick!!!!

She texted me asking for login information for the car loan. Ugh. Every time she contacts me it's purely about finances, yet I'm the one who only cares about money. The car loan is in my name.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:22 PM, October 29th (Monday)]

When I was back in Wisconsin, I told her if she can refinance and get my name off the car she can have it. I don't think she's talking to a lawyer. Maybe her family.

One very important question you need to answer.

So pay attention !!!!!!

Are you a Packer fan ?

What you told her is before talking to an attorney, after your was ripped out. I would suggest, you have your attorney use this in the business of divorce.

This has now become a business transaction, it is sad but true. She will has convinced herself your the villian to justify her actions. I am sorry. To say have your attorney start mediation.

I read your thread and you repeatedly say how beautiful she is. Inner beauty is as important as outer. Her actions have not been to take space but to lull you into the divorce in her time and with you as a atm. It is very harsh but this is what I read in your posts.

When I was back in Wisconsin, I told her if she can refinance and get my name off the car she can have it. I don't think she's talking to a lawyer. Maybe her family.

DO NOT GIVE HER ANYTHING, let your attorney prepare an offer about the split of marital assets, if you start giving everything away now you won't have much to negotiate with, you need to talk to an attorney and file for D immediately, that way you control the process, why haven't you file for D yet ?

Why are you so passive? She's digging trenches, getting her weapons cleaned, amassing battle supplies. You're flopping around on the ground in front of her artillery, supplicating yourself and, what, hoping she might change her mind?

Falc

Ignore her text.

See a lawyer and file for divorce.

Divorce is common and everyone gets thru it.

You will too.

If you can't sleep, see a doctor.

If you can't cope, see a counselor.

I had to do both.

It gets better I promise

Listen to the advice you are getting it is coming from people who have been there. Who have felt your pain.

One other thing....

Any kind of reconciliation has to be her idea

You can't control her...

The more you pine after her the further you push her away to her other joystick

You have to put on a tough front

She needs to believe that you are fine and happy without her

Fake it until you make it

As others have said, let the lawyer ( a third party on your behalf) do the negotiating. You're too close, and that's what you're paying him for.

She sent me another text, 'I know you dont want to talk to me but I need a car. If you don't want me to have the car anymore, at least tell me'.

I'm at a loss here. I just want to tell her how much is left on the car and how much the payments are each month. Because I told her that if she can get me off the loan, she can have it. If I turn back on that, it justifies her narrative that I'm this awful person who says one thing and does something else. But then I think, it shouldn't matter about her anymore. It's about me now. I sent my lawyer an email asking for guidance.

I'm waiting to here back from my attorney on how I'm supposed to handle the vehicle

There's your text back

I'm waiting to here back from my attorney on how I'm supposed to handle the vehicle

This^^^^^^^all day long!

Get your name off the title before she drives it. Also, you need to start addressing insurance and beneficiaries.

Allow her to chase now. You do things in your time under the guidance of legal counsel. Welcome her to the consequences of you no longer being in her life.

Do this in thought. Do not verbalize this or talk to her.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 10:54 AM, October 30th (Tuesday)]

The worst advice offered here on SI is legal advice so take ANYTHING and EVERYTHING any of us post on legal issues with a sack full of salt. That includes anything I say too, including what I write below:

California is a community-property state. That car is joint property and the debt joint debt irrespective of the name on the contract. Basically, if you don’t pay the collectors will go after her, and if she doesn’t pay they will go after you and if neither pays they will repo the car and possibly go after both of you if the value of the car is lower than the debt.

Since it’s community property then If it’s a car that she usually drove during the marriage then she doesn’t even have to get your permission to use it.

Since the debt is just as much hers as it is yours then I wouldn’t refuse her info on debts/assets. Only make sure you only give her read-access. If – for example – the log-in is in your name and in the portal it opens you can make changes that impact the loan then ONLY provide her with screen-shots or info.

One of the tasks in divorce is to go over all commitments and possessions and ensure only one name is left on both and that creditors are fine with it.

You want to be clear that 4 years after d-day you don’t get a call from a collection agency because of a credit-card debt on a card that was initially opened while you two were married. Yes – I know that you can probably successfully counter such claims – but IMHO it’s immensely better to be careful and diligent and close all possible loopholes and ensure you have an air-tight settlement.

It does sound like you two have a relatively “simple” marriage. I think that if you can both stay rational and sensible then you can do a quick and comprehensive settlement. I strongly suggest that YOU lead that work. I strongly suggest that YOU talk to your attorney and have him prepare a FAIR settlement. You stop offering her cars and refinancing and all that. Wait until you know what your obligations might be and then settle fairly within those obligations.

The way I see it then I would THINK your main goal is to keep as much of whatever the house is above water. You want to respect the trust your mom left that financed the house. I’m also guessing that since it’s a loan from a trust you are supposed to benefit from that there might be leeway for you to get some financing with a lean on the house to clean up some mess after the divorce is finalized.

Without knowing your numbers then I’m thinking that MAYBE letting her keep the car for now might be a good idea. Generally, cars depreciate faster than the loan. Say the ticket for the car was 20k, the loan is at 18k but the KBB value might be 16k. Letting her keep the car for now isn’t giving it to her – it’s simply allowing her to use the car until a divorce settlement decides who owns the car (and the car-debt). If she’s driving the car she’s already accepted that she will eventually take that debt/whatever you own in the car. It can strengthen your claim for some other asset/debt – like the house.

The key issue IMHO is to keep the whole picture in mind: To look at the forest rather than the individual trees.