SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s hardly a choice IMHO. To use a comparison: When you discovered the infidelity and all that it’s like waking up in a burning house. I guess you could choose to ignore the sound of the fire, the smell of smoke and the wailing of the smoke-detectors but even if you did the fire would still be there. Ignoring it wouldn’t make it go away. You can get out of bed and do your best to extinguish the fire. But if that didn’t work then at some point your only sensible and logical option is to get out.

I guess you do have a choice: You can remain in the house and burn to death or you can get out and survive, but IMHO it’s one terrible option versus a better one.

Some advice on how to handle the divorce: Have reasonable concerns but take care not to overwhelm yourself in what if’s and maybe’s.

Like the letter from the bank? The logical process is that you get the letter and decide it’s a possible problem, so you hand it over to your attorney. Your attorney tells you if it’s a problem or simply something that needs to be processed. Once that is done it’s no longer a problem. Don’t miss sleep worrying about what might happen IF your wife misses payments. You have enough real issues to deal with so let the possible issues and the maybe issues sleep.

To be double-safe then it’s a good idea to copy, print out and file all communications to-date on the divorce. I think that will strongly support that your then-ex-wife was aware that the divorce was decided and underway when she applied for the loan.

Keep in mind people usually don’t divorce because they are such great friends. Courts take actions like entering debt, misuse of marital funds and so on shortly before the formal divorce filing into account. I have always emphasized that you be fair in the divorce and always offer what an outsider would consider reasonable. One benefit of that policy is that IF any aspect of your separation goes to court it shows reasonable action (you) versus unreasonable action (her). A judge will always favor reasonable.

My lawyer made it very clear we were going to offer her the car in the settlement, just that she couldn't come pick it up when she wanted due to the divorce process. She chose to get a new car rather than fill out the papers. We still haven't received papers from her and she's ignoring all my lawyer's calls. It's been a rough week, I've regressed a little. Talking to mutual friends about mundane stuff still hurts, it's like I have to cut all of them out of my life. I have to basically start fresh on everything, it's a really tough situation. Everyone saying this is a rollercoaster is right on the money.

PS - not sure if I should still post here or in another forum. Would appreciate any advice on that.

[This message edited by Falc at 9:09 AM, November 30th (Friday)]

Post where you feel comfortable.

This is just my POV… JFO is like the ER of a major inner-city hospital. Resources are scarce and there is a constant stream of new bleeding victims looking for a safe space here. If you feel up to it then I suggest you start a thread in the divorce forum. It’s a more specific-treatment ward.

She couldn't wait for the car.

Your WW is a child.

Needs that car to go see OM.

She's deep in the fog.

Immature and entitled.

A time will come when you realize she

has done you a huge favor.

When you are ready join us in the divorce and separation forum. You will meet some of the strongest kindest ladies there are and a brotherhood of fine gentlemen that will support you as you heal.

You have been given a wonderful opportunity by your wayward wife. I know you will not believe me but in time you will know and feel it.

I enjoy deeply the ability to go my own way and be my own man.

That old truck you are driving with your wayward wife following.... Pull it over at the next shop. We are going to lift it, change out the engine and drive line, cut the body in a few places, add a roll cage, plus add 44's. Let's go off road! Stop when you see a bon fire where music is playing. Let's see her follow us now.

She couldn't wait for the car.

Your WW is a child.

Needs that car to go see OM.

Yeah, this just hurts so bad to think about just because I'm still fresh and I think about things still. But if she moves cross country for someone she met on the internet, that is just so stupid.

That old truck you are driving with your wayward wife following.... Pull it over at the next shop. We are going to lift it, change out the engine and drive line, cut the body in a few places, add a roll cage, plus add 44's. Let's go off road! Stop when you see a bon fire where music is playing. Let's see her follow us now.

Sounds like a plan my dude. It's hard to see the horizon, but I am getting closer every damn day of this awful ride.

[This message edited by Falc at 11:06 AM, November 30th (Friday)]

I seriously doubt that bank in Wisconsin in not aware of your D in process. Who knows what your STBXW told them to get that loan approved but I bet she didn't mention anything about an ongoing D at the time. What loaner office in their right would approve of a loan with such a potential risk of loss in repayment especially where litigation is involved? Does she even have a job right now? It would be interesting what she listed as a source of income and assets for collateral.

To me all that smells of attempted fraud, Falc. Now, aren't you glad you have an attorney right now to cover your back? Aren't you glad filed sooner rather than later? With her level of maturity (as often stated in your thread) it isn't a surprise she pulled a bone head move like that. She just handed you a huge leverage for your D. Now, tell yourself to quit seeing her as the woman who you thought you loved (overseeing many of her flaws in the process) and really open your eyes to the real woman she has revealed of herself to be - selfish, immature, conniving, lying, unrepentant, backstabbing cheater. She's a con artist through and through. She herself is a fraud. I think you are more heartbroken over the fact that this is who she really is and not so much over what you had with her.

There are better days ahead for you, Falc. They'll only come as quick as you let go of her in your heart and in your hopes. Keep telling yourself that and your roller coaster ride will lean out more. As pureheartkit mentioned earlier, you need to go make some "happy" for yourself other than just staying busy. Force yourself to engage and participate. Since we are in the midst of the holiday season it is the perfect time to do so. You got this, man. Your road isn't any different than a lot of us current, reconciled and former betrayed members. If we could do it, so can you.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 12:41 PM, November 30th (Friday)]

What loaner office in their right would approve of a loan with such a potential risk of loss in repayment especially where litigation is involved? Does she even have a job right now? It would be interesting what she listed as a source of income and assets for collateral.

Holy shit I didn't think about this. Yes, she has a job at a sandwich shop. I wonder if she even told them she was in the process of Divorce.

I think you are more heartbroken over the fact that this is who she really is and not so much over what you had with her.

Yeah I think you're right here. The realization that she is this type of person and that she hid it so well, for so long is absolutely heartbreaking.

[This message edited by Falc at 12:16 PM, November 30th (Friday)]

Jduff makes a good point, did she use both your names on the application? That might be a call to your lawyer question. I don't know if she could hang you out like that without your signature.

The lawyer said that I don't have to do anything until someone actually comes for my wages and then we can take them to court since the loan was applied for after our separation date. There is not much I can do now. I mean it's possible she told them since they didn't require my signature and they just loaned her the money anyway. Or her Dad could've co-signed. There are a million reasons and I think Bigger is right here, I don't need to get caught up in thinking about it because it'll just spiral me out of control.

I would pull the free annual copy of your credit reports from the three different agencies.

Just as a matter of update for anyone that helped me:

She moved to Florida to be with OM. LOL. A relationship borne from infidelity and brokenness.

GP you were right all along man!!!! So crazy.

[This message edited by Falc at 7:27 PM, December 4th (Tuesday)]

Sorry Falc, but she is your soon to be x, and you know this "relationship" will crash and burn. It is crazy what our WS's are capable of!

Stay positive and take care of yourself.

I’m going through a very similar scenario to you Falc with the exception that my WW’s OM lives in France. I am willing to bet he moves here and they get married. I have been following your thread from the beginning and couldn’t help but see the similarities between us as good people and the actual scenario of how it happened. Both stemmed from Soical Media. It’s crazy when you look back at everything but I’m a firm believer of God and a higher power and believe that this was the plan for life. We both dodged a bullet that we didn’t have kids with these crazy, immature, selfish women. Keep moving along I know you will get to a better place! FWIW, both of their relationships are going to end badly once this Oxytocin high wears off (affair fog). Just be sure to take cover when the karma train hits!

Falc:

Yeah this whole scenario was unfortunately very predictable and obviously very painful for you. But FinanceGuy123 is absolutely right. As for the OM in Florida, there is an old saying:

“His loss, your gain.”

Just sayin!

It's just fucking crazy. Just crazy. I don't think it will last because she's broken and she's not focusing on fixing herself. I am focusing on fixing myself so I can find the right person for me. But holy shit, I thought she was smarter than that.

I don't think it will last because she's broken and she's not focusing on fixing herself.

This is why she isn't a candidate for any sort of reconciliation nor will she ever be (most likely).

Her new relationship is of no matter to you and will probably help you in the divorce process. She's in the fog and may sign anything to get the divorce. I hope so.

Here are some self improvement books you should read.

These will help you select a better partner and avoid some of the mistakes in your past relationship.

Married Mans Sex Life Primer.....Athol Kay

Codependent No More.....Melodie Beattie

No More Mr. Nice Guy.....Robert Glover

[This message edited by Gutpunch at 8:08 AM, December 5th (Wednesday)]

Falc

That’s all we’ve wanted for you, to focus on yourself, work on healing, and eventually moving on.

I’ve been waiting for this news. I think we all expected it.

To me it’s a good thing. Shows you this was her plan all along. A misguided plan, but one she had been thinking about doing for a while. Should now leave no question in your mind.

I’d say most of all of us will guarantee that they’ll flame out as well now that they are in real life together and their relationship is now their primary focus vs the cheating she was participating in previously.

But you should continue working to no longer care. I know that’s hard, but each day will make it a little easier.

Your STBXW is not well and will eventually need to get a lot of therapy to get there. Until she hits rock bottom she won’t get that help.

There have been cases that years later BS’s get apologies from the WS. It’s not something to even think about or stick around for. Our goal would be that by the time that happens, if it happens, that you have moved on to the next great relationship in your life.

The goal is to get to the point where you can say, As Gotye sang, “Now you're just somebody that I used to know”.

Be well.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:01 AM, December 5th (Wednesday)]

I hope to get there someday where I don't care. But today is not that day. It hurts to know that this was the plan, it hurts to know that she strung me along with all the "I don't knows" which were all bullshit. For some reason, I don't think the relationship will fizzle. She latched onto me and even though apparently I was awful to her for 7 years, she stayed and took from me. The pattern is the same. She left her boyfriend for me. She moved in with me immediately after we started dating. She's doing the same shit with this guy. I wish I could have seen the red flags. I just look back and feel so stupid, so sad.

Look, I know that this new relationship doesn't have much of a chance. These are two people who found commonality in their 'crippling depression'. It was borne from infidelity, and they don't have integrity or boundaries. They now have to face the reality of a relationship without truly knowing each other. They've been talking for 3-4 months and you sort of get an idea of who the other person is. But obviously, living with them is a whole new ball game.

I get it. But I just wish my road wasn't so damn hard. I'm going through such a shit show, and she's already got another guy to sleep with and to fuck and to hold her. And I'm alone, going through heartbreak and living my life as this lonely zombie. I know that in the end, I will probably be better off. Sure. But I just wish I didn't have to go through this and that it would take so long.