SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wanted to make an update, both to capture my progress here and to hopefully be some kind of beacon of hope to others in my situation, or at my stage of this awful coping process.

I had two breakthroughs that have really helped me reframe all of this. First, I went back and reread old love letters that I had sent to her. I swiped these before she moved out the rest of her things in week 2. I didn't feel like she deserved them anymore. Well, I wrote one about a year and a half ago. We had gone through a gauntlet of bullshit starting with her going off the pill secretly to force a child on us. I wanted a divorce then. Months went by, and other things transpired and now she wanted a divorce, mainly because of not having children.

From reading my letter, I was reminded that at the time, she had stopped wearing her ring. She had been spending a lot of time with that Cheating Accomplice friend of hers who tried to help her cover up this current affair (and whose house she had stayed at during our separation). And I remember distinctly that she changed her phone password back then. I had even asked in the letter if she was seeing someone else. Back then, she had coldly cut me off, much like now. Not only was she exhibiting these VERY SAME behaviors, but I was in the exact same head space. One and a half years ago.

I realized that this relationship was toxic back then and we were just limping along ever since. I didn't see it that way until I had a clearer-minded perspective and a list of reminders of what used to be. I began thinking...maybe the "good times" that I'm missing weren't really that great. Maybe they were shitty. Maybe I was ignoring the bad stuff. Hell, even if there were good times, obviously there was enough poison under the surface tainting it all on a subconscious level. And FINALLY, I was able to release the idealized version of what we had. The "good times". First, I let go the person. Then, I let go of the idea of the person. Now, I am able to let go of the idea of the relationship. It was probably all shit, just not all the time, and that's not a very great way to live your life.

Also, I realized that all of the evidence I've previously discussed which points to her being a serial cheater was probably legitimate. She was probably cheating this whole time, at least emotionally, and so I'm way better off without such a shitty person infecting my life. Good riddance. I turned a corner and will silently hope that nobody else ever tries to R with their spouse, because there be dragons that way.

Finally, I am this close to a dream job offer and it's doing wonders for my self esteem. Unemployed for years, living with my mother in my hometown 2 hours away from my old home life, and in front of me dangles a giant shred of hope that I can quickly get my life in order. I went into the interviews with a surprising confidence. I can say with certainty that this job is exactly what I'm great at and what I am looking for opportunitywise. Things are finally looking up.

And with those two big life lessons in a single week, I'm like at 85% over her and holding. The background sadness is gone. The bitterness at what she did to me is alleviating. Me feelings sorry for her is turning into indifference. I think I'm finally moving on, for real this time. It took 55 days to get here, to a place where for the first time in months, I feel genuinely happy. Keep putting in the work to get over these terrible people and to improve yourselves, and it will pay off one day.

Congratulations on the new job offer and your progress in getting out of infidelity. You deserve the best.

Congratulations. Your emancipation from your toxic wife in conjunction with a brand new job means....ding ding ding! You get the grand prize! A brand new life, without toxicity and penury. One hopes in a few years, your STBX stumbles over you as you are now very successful, and are on to a new relationship with a good woman who would never cheat on you. I am still a great believer in Karma. Do dirt unto your spouse and the universe will find a way to make you regret it. I have seen this play out a few times.

No contact and time usually allows you t reflect back and see what you wouldn't before.

Nice job and good luck

Congratulations, you deserve someone that will love you and respect you.

Congrats:

It’s amazing what a little time and separation will do. Good luck with the job.

AG,

Congrats on being able to start getting things together. 55 days must be some kind of record. It took me two years to go from shock and anger to acceptance and treating my XWW like the mother of my kids again. So you're way ahead of me and many of us. Keep it up.

We're doing pretty well now.

You'll still have many ups & downs, but hopefully way more ups. No matter what happens, I think it's safe enough to say we're ALL behind you.

Just a word of caution. Keep your plans to yourself for now. Even refrain from sharing with family and friends. Right now your spouse is not a safe person and another loved one, meaning well, might give something away that provokes her to undermine your efforts. As she sees you pulling away and getting your self together she may put you to the test.

May happen or maybe not, just be careful.

In any event, best of luck to you whatever the future holds!

Jesus, it doesnt stop. I now know why people say it takes a long time to "get over" a decadeplus relationship. I thought I was doing so well. I mean, I know I am. But a little trigger today sent my guts into a tailspin for about 15 minutes.

The same way I was able to find out who the AP is just under a week ago I was able to see that she got one of those heart decals for her car. An arrow in the shape of a heart. She hates decals. But now she is apparently in a rush to pronounce her love for this man like some kind of teenager. Why do I care? I already knew she "loves" (if that word means anything to her approaching its actual definition) the guy. I am still better without her. I still do not miss her. And yet the abandonment feelings came back. I know I should take precautions to avoid such a window into her life, the last one I have really, but knowing these details a long time from now will continue to sate my curiosity (minus the emotional bullshit, whenever it is that I am truly past this).

Is this typical cheater behavior, proclaiming the love? I think it is based on what Ive read here.

Don't worry about it, just ignore her, the best revenge is to do better and have a good life.

Youre absolutely right. I feel like Im regressing a bit. It didnt help that I dreamed about her last night for the first time in weeks. I thought I was out, and they pull me back in!

2 months isn't very long in the big picture. You gonna have a lot of ups and downs, just ride them out. I would tell you not to stew over all the old letters and memories, but I know you can't, you're still looking for reasons and explanations.

You probably won't find much that will help. We've all been there and done that. I get it.

Keep the faith, and good luck getting that dream job.

Just checking in. My journey has been really weird so far.

My STBX cheating wife and I didn't have any kids, and she left me in the dust almost immediately after I outed her little fling, so once I moved out of our (now her) home, taking with me all the stuff I could grab, there was zero reason for us to communicate. It's a gift and a curse, at least in the early days. And now, it's been almost 3 months since I last spoke to the woman with whom I spent over a decade, with whom I felt complete, with whom I wanted to grow old--and it was the best thing she could've done for my ability to heal.

I received mail from her lawyer a few weeks ago and I ended up breaking the silence to text her with a question. She never responded, so I can only assume that she's blocked me there, too. That gave me a few hours of pain--this awful woman who did what she did and SHE blocks ME. I got over it completely about a day later. In fact, I think little of her now. Very rarely do I consider what her life's been like. In fact, I wonder more about what her family is thinking since her brother is still a Facebook friend of mine. He's right there, his occasional posts about his kid entering my feed, and I just want to say "Hi, no hard feelings, I hope your family is doing well" but know that that's a terrible idea. I don't want to block him because I find that to be petty. He could be spying for her for all I know--he's not that kind of person, but I find my cynicism levels pretty high these days.

It's actually a gift, to be so cynical. You start to see through people. We all have our issues, our shoulder chips, our idiosyncrasies, our bullshit. Some of us are good at identifying what those things are and mitigating them to the best of our abilities. Others, not so much. When you start looking for clues of shitty behavior and you stop giving people the benefit of the doubt (because look where that got all of us), and then when you start to see recurring patterns, you realize that the person you thought was worthwhile and maybe there for you is kind of a piece of shit who is using you. To our detriment, we ignore these signals on a daily basis--because nobody would just want to use us, right?. I'm not a misanthrope or completely distrustful of people, but now I'm listening for those clues. There are people in my life who have slowly revealed themselves to be different kinds of self-centered users, all of them more trouble than they're worth. It's funny how backhanded compliments stick out clear as day when you're done making apologies for other people's garbage personalities. I can't allow myself to waste my time with that kind of shit anymore.

I started to have feelings for one of them. Misguided, misplaced feelings that I shouldn't have had. Wearing my heart on my sleeve is my own personal bullshit thing, and even though I recognize it and openly acknowledge it, it can be hard to get under control when undergoing such a dramatic shift in one's lifestyle. This woman is another recently betrayed lover, and we've been supporting each other emotionally for the last few months, having met online in a similar supportive capacity. On paper, she'd be a struggle to date, but I took that with a grain of salt because "on paper" I look pretty okay, but I'm still kind of dead inside and slowly crawling up and out of the abyss that is my heart and soul. At first, she seemed like a person with a good heart. Somehow who's helpful. Someone smart. Someone kind of humble. Then the red flags started popping up. Self-centered. Defensive. Emotionally tone deaf. Hung up on her cheating ex. In the beginning, I certainly projected the romantic feelings onto our relationship. I just couldn't help myself. But I acknowledged it and worked hard to move past it.

Over time, she exacerbated my feelings by throwing out mixed signals. Hot and cold. I continued to let myself feel something for her, wondering curiously if she felt similarly. My gut says no, and I learned to trust my gut since it knew about the cheating long before the rest of me did, so I never mentioned it to her. I'm sure it's clear, since I've hinted at it enough times. And still, instead of withdrawing or changing her tune, she kept throwing out the mixed signals. I wondered, is she so emotionally tone deaf to not notice my signals and her own slew of signals which have been leading me on, or is she getting off on the attention and positive affirmations that I bring to the table and doesn't want to lose that source? The cynic in me now errs on the side of the latter out of self-preservation. I've even shared conversational details with my diverse and trusted sounding board to verify that I'm not just reading into it, and they--all of whom would call me on my bullshit, mind you--are just as confused as I am. It's regressive for me to get into such thought patterns and I'm finally at a place where I've detached from feeling that way about her.

Of course, I'm not even close to being ready to date, let alone love someone. At this point, I'm doing great by myself. I'm building my own little independent life. I have more freedom now than I have ever in my three plus decades of existence, and it's addicting. I love my job. My loved ones are still keeping in touch regularly, and I'm doing the same. I might not have the opportunity for a family of my own right now, but at least I can be the best goddamn uncle in the world to my niece. I'm planning so many fun trips to all of the places I wanted to visit but never made the time to do so. I'm rediscovering all of my lost hobbies. I'm a thousand miles deep in the abyss, but life keeps throwing me rope and I haven't stopped moving upward hand over fist toward the light. Maybe when the weather perks up, I'll feel comfortable even thinking about dating. I'm not setting any goals in that department. Even at my loneliest moments, when I'm destroyed by the fact that I have nobody to share my day with or my life with, by the next day, I've snapped out of it and am back to enjoying my newfound freedom.

And so life goes on. I keep coming back here, off and on, mostly feeling sorry for everyone who's stuck in "R". Mentally, I feel like I'm waiting beside the EXIT door hoping that every other betrayed lover comes and joins me so we can all walk through it together, hand in hand. But that's only because I had no choice in the matter and I had to quickly adapt to the choice that SHE made, so of course everything looks great over here. If she didn't abandon me, I would've gladly laid it all on the line to give us the last, best shot I could. I would've let her shovel as much bullshit into my mouth as she could manage, just to feel her warm body next to me while I fell asleep. Now though? She's just some woman who I barely remember, who I'm not attracted to in the slightest, who did some fucked up things to me but who also gave me one of my best life lessons. Hell, I still struggle to decide if she's a covert narcissist or not. There's enough evidence to go either way, and I'm keenly aware of how even the betrayed spouse can repaint the relationship history while making sense of the betrayal. Not that it matters anyway what she is or why she did what she did. What's done is done and we all have to move on. After our divorce is final in a month, she couldn't be more water under the bridge than if she were literally water under the bridge. If I run into her one day, even if I'm having a bad day, I'd probably just feel nonplussed once the abrupt panic subsided after about a minute of processing. If I'm having a good day, especially one in which my hair looks nice and I'm dressed to the nines, I might even offer to buy her lunch and act aloof the whole time.

Thanks for reading my ramblings! I hope I'm not the only one of us who's struggling with the romantic projections or the cynicism microscope. I feel like I'm healing, but man oh man is it still a struggle sometimes.

Glad your are on your way! Yeah, takes time to get ourselves healthy enough to date, but that day will come. Thanks for the update!

Good to hear from you. I hope your getting paid out of your portion of the homes equitynif not making her sell it out right.

Thanks for the update, AbandonedGuy. Wishing you continued healing and moving forward.

AbandonedGuy, this may be small consolation, but rest assured your STBX will continue her cheating behavior for the rest of her life.

As some have mentioned, she is a classic narcissist. Cheating is in their genes.

Be glad she's out of your life.

Glad to hear your update Abandoned.

I'm also glad to hear that you figured out who the OM is. I'd want to know in case I ran into him during a business deal or outing. I'm glad to hear too that your rose-colored-glasses have been removed and you're well into the move-on process.

I would note that if you ever do run into her, don't buy her lunch, don't converse, don't even acknowledge that you notice her. If she speaks to you, say 'oh, hi', and then walk on or move away. Her charm bit you and won you over before, don't think that the snake can't bite again.

I suspect the OM doesn't realize what he's dealing with. He likely thinks, like most men do, that something was wrong with you and she's the innocent victim in all of this. She'll probably only be able to keep the charade up for a year or two, then she'll revert back to who she really is. At some point he'll be in the same position you were.

Continue to take care of yourself and always remember that success is the best revenge.

Great post AG.

At this point, I'm doing great by myself. I'm building my own little independent life.

Oh yeah! You get yourself in that place, before you jump in some other relationship. That's where you want to be.

Your post reminds me of something my brother mentioned to me yesterday. He'd been through some medical issues, couldn't work because of them and it caused a lot of financial problems, disability and finding some kind of part time work, etc. and on top of that we lost out mother about a month ago.

He said, "Don't be afraid to make a life changing decision." We all have to face those in our lives, and it makes us re-evaluate our priorities and our choices.

You're doing good AG.

What is it about these cheaters that prevents them from coming clean, even at the very end.

I think that it’s all about there ego and protecting it. I think most waywards think very highly of themselves, but their actual accomplishments are very low, so there ego become fragile, they blame everyone else for their problems and feelings and they are so quick to rewrite the relationship history to “prove” to other people, the AP and especially themselves that they’re always the good guy. Their high ego/low self esteem primes them perfectly for wanting ego kibbles, entitled thinking and for a predatory AP to swoop in and give them the “Somebody who finally understands me.” fantasy.

Thank you all for the kind words. I really couldn't have gotten to this point mentally without the support of others who are going through it or who have gone through it and who understand the constant emotional onslaught that we go through. I kind of understand why non-BSes might not get it, but even BSes from way, way back in the day don't really understand it because it just isn't recent enough for them to remember.

NoOptTo-

The buyout I got (my "divorce severance") covered the year of equity in the home, so essentially the big down payment. I got a fair deal. She probably sees it as unfair because I took "her money" for the buyout, but even 50 years of marriage wouldn't have gotten her out of that this-is-mine-that-is-yours mindset. I just assume she uses that outcome to fuel her hatred for me and continue being remorseless and guilt-free while love-bombing her fancy new Older Boyfriend.

Bladerunner2054-

I'd like to think that my indifference has stomped down any pettiness, but I'd be lying. I think deep down I want her to ruin her and AP's little fling just like she did ours--and not just what she did at the end, but all the crap she pulled over the course of a decade. I'm very glad that she's out of my life, even though at 4 months out from DDay, it's still very weird that I was with this person for so long and now she's a sneeze of a memory. It would be a lot different if it ended more respectfully, and maybe we'd be friendly in some capacity. Thank god I don't waste time wondering what that outcome would've been like.

Dismayed2012-

I'd like to think that by now I'm immune to her charm, but you're right, I'm still all messed up inside so it's best to completely avoid her if I can--good thing she went no contact as well. It's not lost on me how all of the selfish shit she's pulled in the aftermath of DDay has benefited me in some way. I too suspect that her AP believes her to be some kind of falsified image, whatever she needs him to believe so that he sticks around. Truthfully, I think she's going to work extra hard to stick it out with this guy. She's stubborn to a fault, her similarly cheating-abandoning mother stuck it out with Hubby #2, the AP lives on a nice big property and he's 45 so she might just play the waiting game. Who knows, but I'm just glad that I no longer feel envious of her and the lifestyle she cheated herself into. I'm doing great, and I plan to do even better. Once the loneliness dries up, I'm golden.

twisted-

Sorry to hear about your mother, man. I hope you're doing alright. I wholeheartedly agree that these major life changes put us in a tailspin figuring out what we feel we were put in this world to do. It's a shame that sometimes it takes something horrendously terrible to wake us out of our complacent funk. These are the opportunities though to seize on a major life change. I firmly believe that if we let the change slip through our fingers, we'll move back toward our familiar habits and repeat the same mistakes--and unfortunately we can't change it all at once, so we're stuck repeating some mistakes a few times while we figure this shit out!