SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey...you're only 34yo and just entering your prime marrying stage. Marriage,kids isn't over - it's just starting! And you're older wiser and will make a better dad.

She was a ticking time bomb and you got out just in time before dragging children into this. Move on and don't look back (even if she comes begging and weeping).

Check into IC to heal and to figure out if there's any holes in the screen you use to identify prospective life partners.

Someday your kids will thank you for not having children with this wreck of a woman.

They weren’t a lying cheater the entire marriage (in most cases) so it should not cloud your whole life together.

This will be my biggest hurdle in the long run. I'm so traumatized by what happened, that I let it paint over the past 12 years. Was she a covert narcissist the whole time? There's plenty to indicate that she might have been. Was she just a sad, selfish person making occasional really-destructive-and-awful decisions, choosing to end her marriage with The Big One? That's also a very real possibility. Was there a good person in there? We're all good and bad in different ways, so as much as it pains me to think of it right now, I'm sure there is. There's evidence to support any of these frameworks.

In my struggle to figure this all out, I've been reeling through so many feelings that I had over the years about her personality traits. I never found her to be nurturing (one reason why I was never convinced that we should have kids). For as much as we'd cuddle and hold hands and everything intimate, I found her to be cold in a way that I couldn't put my finger on. A lot sticks out to me now. Am I misreading all of those past hints? Was she really kind of a bad person this whole time? Am I just analyzing and assigning a root cause so that my mind can feel like it's making sense of this? Probably a little of everything, to be honest.

I can't even remember the months leading up to DDay other than thinking "everything was okay and we were both happy" and the handful of little details that might have indicated she was cheating. It's as if a big eraser was taken to 2018 and my brain can now only focus on the last month and a half, the tough times we had whether due to me or her, and a handful of the good times that I just don't want to let go of. It's all kind of tainted now.

figure out if there's any holes in the screen you use to identify prospective life partners

This is definitely a happy side effect of living and learning. I realize now that we never really filtered each other. We ended up together, soared by on the friendship we already had + relationship perks, and then just kept trying to make it work. Despite not agreeing on having kids (I will never again think that someone wanting kids will just disregard that for me or anyone else), despite some of the early tumult, despite not sharing as many interests as I would've liked, despite us not being on the same level of emotional maturity...we forced it. Comfort, familiarity, and love feelings are great, but they're not everything. We all stay in relationships--and get married--for a lot of really shortsighted reasons.

Going forward, I'll be on the lookout for trust issues, major character differences, major life goals, and even too much petty nonsense between us. Thankfully, I haven't let this experience ruin my thoughts about the rest of the people in the world. The next woman is going to start off with the same amount of trust I gave my wife 12 years ago.

I'm so traumatized by what happened, that I let it paint over the past 12 years.

Or maybe the paint is finally wearing away, revealing what she has been all along.

Was she a covert narcissist the whole time?

Could be. I'm no mental health expert, but I don't think narcissism just pops up overnight like strep throat or the flu. But then again, I think narcissism tends to be a bit over diagnosed on this forum. So who knows...but it's possible.

Am I misreading all of those past hints?

No. You're just reevaluating them based on new information, which is a perfectly rational thing to do.

Was she just a sad, selfish person making occasional really-destructive-and-awful decisions, choosing to end her marriage with The Big One? That's also a very real possibility. Was there a good person in there?

I think you nailed it there. She’s obviously got some major issues with the anorexia among other things. Cheating is often an unhealthy coping mechanism to escape from problems and/or boost self esteem. She’s probably got some good in there but she’s just too messed up. You can’t fix her. No one can but her. When you are looking for the next woman, make sure that she has good self esteem and when problems arise, make sure she has healthy coping skills. In hindsight, your WW going off the pill without telling you was a very shitty coping skill on her part...she should’ve talked to you.

Then she came back to me

This can happen again. Be prepared to turn her away.

Your STBXW sounds a lot like mine... The ability to turn off emotions and just go for the next guy overnight is... scary.

You don’t want that person back in your life, trust me. That “asshole” you mentioned did you a favour. You’ll get to see it in time.

I wish you strength, we, here in SI, have all been through this one way or another and all of us will tell you this: it will get better.

It's really an off-putting feeling: I feel like the torrent of emotions hit me so hard, so fast, that I was able to kind of move through this quickly. I mean, she helped by blocking me and pushing for a swift asset agreement.

But I can't help but feel that emptiness. I'm dreaming big, I am staying positive, and I'm really looking forward to a life by myself (finally). I miss that woman she used to be. I know that woman is gone. But it's really like she died, slowly over a week. And the happier I feel, the less anger I hold onto, and the more I feel sorry for her as a sort of damaged, F'd up person who really destroyed me but who has a hole in her soul that she can never fill, like a tragic character.

How long does it take to mourn this loss, really mourn it? I'm sort of riding high today, but I feel like after I see her tomorrow, for the last time in our lives perhaps, I'm going to be a wreck the next couple of days.

IMO, it takes about 2 years for a lot of your triggers to get dulled down and your overall anxiety to level out. You will feel some emotional stings here and there but it won't make your heart and mind spiral to a dark corner like it does now. In fact, if you can laugh at the silly shit she did and said in her infidelity you are on a very good pace with healing.

It take about 5 years to ge to some level of "meh" about the whole thing. You will really see the forest from the trees with regard to not only her infidelity, but the topic in general.

Personally, I have found humor to accelerate my healing. Go to comedy clubs, watch comedy movies, listen to comedy radio.

Please tell me this cycle of emotions ends whenever I cease contact completely with my wife. I spent a full week without hearing a peep from her. I started to accelerate my healing. I started to have wild pipe dream fantasies about my new life without her.

Then it all came crashing down in an instant. All the anger that I have for her rushed back with just three text messages. She asked when to come over tomorrow (the last day that we will presumably see each other, to walk through the house the day before I move out). I said afternoon, and suggested 2PM, she said she was busy (preparing for wedding rehearsal dinner for her friend S who helped cover up her affair) and would come at noon.

The entitlement triggered me. Seriously. All the anger came back. Every last ounce of it. This was a few hours ago, and I'm still rattled by it. I was sitting on a cloud ready to start shooting love arrows, and with three texts, she brings me back down into the darkness. I'm almost ashamed of myself at being unable to control my emotions right now. I lived a full 34 years being mostly levelheaded. And here I am, a pit growing in my stomach, terrible thoughts flashing through my head, all because my wife sent a message implying that her schedule overrules mine because why? Because it's more important than mine?

Anyway, I'm going a little crazy over it. Spitefully, I said I won't be home until 1PM anyway, so expect me then. I told her to make time. Please tell me this will all go away again.

Upfront any contact just sets you back.

The only real cure is total nc and time.

You'll be fine. Getting there just takes time.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:47 PM, October 12th (Friday)]

How did the “walk through the house” go?

I just read your thread. Based on the 12 years together since college, I'm guessing you're both early to mid 30's.

She wants kids. You don't. It's a cornerstone issue. There is no compromise on it, and for a woman there is no meaningful Mulligan if you choose wrong and regret the choice decades later.

Age 35 is kind of the Rubicon for that issue. I feel bad for the trauma you are experiencing, but my friend you should have seen this coming many years ago. She could and should have handled it more maturely and more directly by dumping you years ago for a suitable mate who wants to be a parent with her. But anybody who is very clear on not wanting kids absolutely must, when engaging a long term relationship partner, make sure without any doubt whatsoever that the partner shares the desire for no kids.

There is no easy cure for the anguish you are going through right now...but there is a cure. NO CONTACT! There is absolutely no reason for you to have any communication with her that is not directly related to the divorce and, even then, your lawyer should be able to handle most things. Do not text, call, or speak with her. Refuse any attempt she makes to contact you. Detachment is your friend and completely disassociating yourself from her is the best way to accomplish this. Be strong - good luck!

I never found her to be nurturing (one reason why I was never convinced that we should have kids). For as much as we'd cuddle and hold hands and everything intimate, I found her to be cold in a way that I couldn't put my finger on. A lot sticks out to me now. Am I misreading all of those past hints?

No. You just chose to ignore or look past and continue on. So what happened although shocking isn't a major surprise for you.

Life lesson.

If you have to twist a person to conform to your set standards or values then they are not for you.

You still have a full life to leave, do not waste it on someone who would put you down in the worst way.

Go and live your life.

Sounds like a narcissist. There's no doubt in my mind that her cheater friend was encouraging her the whole way and pumping ideas into her head about how she "deserves a life with this new guy."

A little update after Final Confrontation and Move Out of Family Home days.

The house walkthrough went fine. She literally walked into the house complaining about the outside light still being on. She said the same when we went outside, and I said "You dont get to complain about things to me anymore." She said the elec bill was high, I shrugged. She was also adamant that I sign our separation paperwork ASAP, reminding me that its in our asset agreement. I assured her I want to sign it just as fast as she wants me to. She signed the agreement I drafted saying no damage and we went to the bank to close our joint acct.

I sqw that her car was different. She noticed me looking and said she and her friend S, the affair accomplice and person she had been living with, were in a car accident. Some SUV slammed into her car and "crushed" it. Didnt mention injuries. Looked uninjured. I couldnt help but smile and let out a choked "heh". She sheepishly said, "Yeah just laugh at that" and I simply said it sounded like karma. My friend and mother both asked me, upon hearing that part, if I think she was actually with the AP. Ha, I dont know, but its funny they both thought that. It doesnt matter anyway.

At the bank, I realized just how much I cleaned her out. She will rebuild it in short time, but I took all but a few grand, plus all of the nicer furniture, the tv, the bed, most of the kitchen stuff. Money and material things is all that matters to this woman, ans shes got a really empty life right now. I started to feel bad. Shes still awful, but obviously theres going to be love in there for her for a while, plus I take no comfort in destroying people, even those out to destroy me. She deserves it though, to be frank.

Our last convo outside the bank was brief and unfulfilling to both of us. She said shed be in contact about paperwork if necessary. I said dont ever contact me, if absolutely necessary, mail me a letter, fwd all mail to my mothers, the separation docs Im sure will be self evident, same with final divorce decree actions in 90 days. She said okay. Then she said have a nice move, I said have a nice wedding (S married saturday) and she turned and left. I said "see ya, S----r", using her maiden name. She didnt turn and I didnt bother to see if she did anyway. And thats that.

I was dressed to the nines and coasting on my trauma induced weight loss. I felt good. I also got hit on that night while out with my friend. The day couldnt have gone better. I know that the 3 hour, hash it out n hug it out even though we wouldnt reconcile, convo I wouldve liked not only wasnt an option, but that it probably wouldnt be anymore fulfilling.

So now shes blocked on my phone and my new life is beginning. Scary and exciting.

[This message edited by AbandonedGuy at 11:21 AM, October 15th (Monday)]

Man I hope you told her friends now husband about her shady dealings. I would have loved to know that before I married, would have saved an awful lot of trouble.

On now on to the next chapter.

Glad you survived it. You will live happily without all the drama and lying.

Live well and be lucky the XW is no longer your problem.

So now shes blocked on my phone and my new life is beginning. Scary and exciting.

That’s the right attitude! I wish you the best! You’ll be just fine.

You'll be fine. You're smart to cut off all communication.

There's a myth. "They always come back". Some do. Some don't.

The holidays will be coming up soon. Plan it out. Spend time with family and friends.

This being your first year the nostalgic feelings will be strong but they will pass.