SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I blamed myself hard for the first few weeks, about not having kids. If we had kids, would all of this been avoided? Will I, at 34, ever get the opportunity to have kids now?

Her adultery/infidelity had nothing to do with you or your marriage - nothing.

It was nothing you did or didn’t do nor was it anything you said or didn’t say.

Having kids would NOT have prevented this - but it would have made the pain 1000 times worse because of the excruciating emotional pain THEY would have been put through by their extraordinarily selfish mother.

Be very, very glad you do not have children with this person - very fucking glad indeed.

I had my first son at 39 and my second at 46.

Being a bit older when having children helps in that one has acquired a greater sense of wisdom and patience that will be helpful in raising them - so don’t worry.

You will process through all this shit and it will all pass.

You WILL reach a point where you really could not give two shits about her or her whereabouts - because honestly, there is nothing about this remorseless sociopath that was ever truly worth any of your life’s time.

These weird emotional days are hard. Theyre like when you swirl a bunch of colors so that they all mix into thin bands, except with emotions. Today, I was angsty about not having a job. I have been looking, probably not as hard as I shouldve been in the past few weeks while I was moving and finalizing my affairs (resulting from HER affair). The anxiety is coming through in little spurts. Also, I still think about her here and there: what is she even doing right now, I wonder if she will ever be in touch, is this making her happier?

I joined a gym while Im stuck here at my moms house. I jogged 12 mi the other day. My appetite is back. My living situation is a major downgrade in lifestyle, though, and I cant help but be rattled by it at times, especially when some downgrades affect my productivity, e.g. not enough room to set up my desktop pc anywhere and DSL internet that makes online networking undoable. Im stuck doing it all on my phone. Barely enough room to store what I brought here. The dog is old and pisses everywhere all day, and I may be allergic. Im feeling every bit the rock bottom that Im at, and sometimes the envy at my wifes situation leaks in. Im still trying to be positive, but the angst tears me down.

And I still miss her sometimes. Miss us. Like one misses the family dog who used to bite you too hard. My friends and family are way past wanting to hear about this in any detail, so Ive spared them any that arent top level for the past two weeks. My moms cares whether or not Im sad, but she just doesnt get why Id still be 6 weeks after DDay. This is still all so fresh and I feel so alone most days. Like I am missing that trusted confidante who will not judge and will listen. Ironically, I cant even be certain that I actually had that in my wife. Did I? Or did I just not really need one very much? 12 years of memories put thru the meat grinder and turned into some kind of messy slop.

I know Ill be fine but I need to vent. This all sucks so much.

Just be cognizant of the fact that everything you are reminiscing about was a minuscule percent of the way she acted if it ever existed at all. The mind as a tendency to remember the very best while erasing the rest. She's not the person you met anymore if she ever was at all.

Did you ever get the OM's name?

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 5:40 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)]

I’ve just read this thread and I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

Funny how friends and family expect you to be over this already. Losing a marriage is a type of death - as you’ve discovered, you also lose your sense of who you are and have to rewrite the reality of your married life. I guess that’s why we find comfort in this forum. We’ve all been through this too, and understand your pain,

You’ll be on an emotional rollercoaster ride for some time (I was, and still am). You WILL survive this, and your life WILL be better. Stay strong.

I never did find out who this guy is. Every time I wanted to follow her or pull some other such desperate attempt to find out, I never actually followed through. I didnt want to be "that guy" but even now Id still love to know who, if at minimum to see if hes married.

What is it about these cheaters that prevents them from coming clean, even at the very end.

What is it about these cheaters that prevents them from coming clean, even at the very end.

I wish I knew the answer to this question but I suspect whatever is so wrong and broken in someone they cannot be honest will be an issue they have for the rest of their life.

These situations only serve to show you in vivid detail how you have to learn to rely on yourself and no one else. Same thing happened with my parents as happened with you. Less than 2 weeks after my DDay my mom was already telling me to stop brooding, suck it up and get back with my WW.

Needless to say my mom and I no longer have a close relationship, and she actually has the nerve to wonder why I don't share my life details with her any more? LOL!

Actually the one person I came to lean on was my brother in law. My sister cheated on him ten years ago, so he knows what I am going through. It is strange because prior to this we were never close, but since my DDay he has become one of my most trusted allies.

Anyways, I don't know why I shared this other than to let you know that you are not alone when it comes to unsympathetic families.

Sorry to hear about your situation 'Abandoned' but glad that you're out of it relatively unscathed.

Glad to hear that you're working out and moving on with your life. Always remember that the best revenge is being more successful with your new life than you were with your old life. You're a better person because of this and you have the opportunity to maybe someday find a better person to spend time with. There were many signs that things weren't as rosy as you thought they were. Don't forget what you've been through and don't ever ignore the signs again. Take care of yourself and be successful in your renewed life.

I solved my problem of missing her. I just think of the meanest, on purpose or not, things she said to me at the end.

(when I asked her to move back in so we could work on our marriage)

"Well, Im gonna wanna go out. I mean, Ill be here during the week, after work, but Im gonna wanna go out on the weekends and I dont want you wondering where Im at or getting angry about it."

(when i said its easier for her to not want to save the marriage because shes got someone waiting in the wings)

"Hes not 'waiting in the wings'...but yes, it would be easier to let go of the marriage if he was."

(when i asked her why she gives everything to her job then comes home and gives nothing to her marriage)

"I get things from work...raises, recognition. You provide NOTHING for me."

(when asked why she was secretly applying to and interviewing with other jobs in the months prior)

"I get lots of job offers. Im coming up in the world." and "People can keep secrets from other people."

(on the last day she came over to spew false hope and let me make an ass of myself attempting to reconcile, the third time i said "i love you" to her)

"..........."

[This message edited by AbandonedGuy at 10:22 AM, October 19th (Friday)]

AG, I know as cold and callous as your wife is, try not to defined yourself through her. I know it’s extremely hard to understand this right now, I admit some days I still feel worthless because I have been betrayed. But realize there exist evil, selfish, broken people in the world, and your wife is one of them. She betrayed you not because you didn’t deserve her love and loyalty , you deserve all of that, she betrayed you because she is a coward, selfish, narcissistic, entitled human being that will never be happy with her life because she is always on the look out of something that is perceive in her eyes to be better. All she is doing is living an empty and hollow life and she will have to live with her actions. It’s hard to see the silver lining in this shithole but trust me, she freed you from a miserable life that you would have to live. Someone else out there will cherish you and now you have the gift of insight that your wife isn’t the one so you don’t waste anymore time. I also had a very strong fear of life lost and that I was going to be alone, no family etc.. but I came to realized that I rather be alone than be with someone that is willing to take everyinthing from me and practically any guy can just say the right words and he can be screwing my wife in a heartbeat. Every man want to feel special and exclusive when it comes to their spouse. You don’t get that with a wayward. Stay strong !

[This message edited by Strengthserenity at 10:47 AM, October 19th (Friday)]

I appreciate so much yours and everyone's kind words. The support here is amazing. The most important thing I get from here is knowing that I am not alone. Our spouses betray us in these monumental ways then tell us NOTHING about why they really did it, what they even did, for how long. We are stuck sifting through the ashes looking for clues, reevaluating every year spent with them in a desperate attempt to make sense of what just happened and why. Together, we are able to better execute the postmortem, share notes, determine what kinds of selfish cowards we are dealing with.

I just want to get to that nirvana where I am truly indifferent to her life. Not rooting against her, not missing her, not anything. Where shes just another stranger. Maybe Ill even have the strength to delete our wedding photos and everything else, one day. Hell, the day I stop needing her to come crawling to me with an apology that I will hopefully ignore will be a big day. Since shes blocked, I might not even know it went out.

And Im still waiting on those separation docs to come in the mail. Im stressing because our asset agreement said I must sign within 5 days of receipt, but if they got sent to my old address, what happens then? More unnecessary anxiety.

I know someone going through the other side of this, tempted to cheat. It was very enlightening hearing such a frank discussion about what WS mindset thinks.

[This message edited by AbandonedGuy at 6:07 PM, October 20th (Saturday)]

AG

These weird emotional days are hard. Theyre like when you swirl a bunch of colors so that they all mix into thin bands, except with emotions.

So true. You are experiencing a death. A death of your marriage, who you thought your wife was, loss of your home and also your job. It doesn't get any more major than that! Total life shift.

I am ashamed to say that there was a point where I felt it would have been easier if my XWH had passed away and not inflicted this horrific pain. Pain caused by the person I trusted the most. Also, when someone dies, people rally around you, in this situation I think those who have not experienced it see it as something that happens everyday. I have to say, I guess I didn't understand the depths of pain before it happened to me. I have a friend who's husband left with their neighbor. After this happened to me I called and apologized to her for not understanding the horrible pain she must have gone through.

I solved my problem of missing her. I just think of the meanest, on purpose or not, things she said to me at the end.

(when I asked her to move back in so we could work on our marriage)

"Well, Im gonna wanna go out. I mean, Ill be here during the week, after work, but Im gonna wanna go out on the weekends and I dont want you wondering where Im at or getting angry about it."

(when i said its easier for her to not want to save the marriage because shes got someone waiting in the wings)

"Hes not 'waiting in the wings'...but yes, it would be easier to let go of the marriage if he was."

(when i asked her why she gives everything to her job then comes home and gives nothing to her marriage)

"I get things from work...raises, recognition. You provide NOTHING for me."

(when asked why she was secretly applying to and interviewing with other jobs in the months prior)

"I get lots of job offers. Im coming up in the world." and "People can keep secrets from other people."

(on the last day she came over to spew false hope and let me make an ass of myself attempting to reconcile, the third time i said "i love you" to her)

All the behavior and words of a narcissist. Please do not take anything she says to you to heart. You don't need to define yourself by what she thinks or feels. You know you are a good man so work with that knowledge at the forefront and move on away from her and out of her misery theater.

Your WW is going to pay a very steep price for her selfishness one day. You just need to be as far away as you can so you don't get hit by the fallout.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 11:56 AM, October 22nd (Monday)]

AG

You need to get back on your feet. Let everything else go by the wayside. Get a job, build your credit back, and then you can see what, if anything, you will do to your ex WW. I can say this, because, I am in the divorce industry, and I have seen men and women kicked to the curb like they were yesterday's coffee grounds. I have seen one or two get their own back. Not by illegal means. Not by questionable morality. No, by telling the truth and having the truth do the dirty work. My favorite case of comeuppance was a situation similar to your own. In my client's case they had built a business. She was the face and he was the backroom. He did not know that she was having an affair, until he got a legal notice that he was removed from the business. She had finagled him out of his share, and was busily working to end the marriage behind his back. He ended up moving in with his sister. He also spent a little time on a psych ward dealing with his ex's behavior. Apparently he had not told his sister a lot, but when she contacted my office, during one of his hospitalizations, that I accidentally dropped the truth bomb. She had no idea that her former sister-in-law, had basically embezzled him out of the business. Left him broke and broken. Her last words to me on the phone were, "That bitch just made a powerful enemy."

So while he is on a psych ward, sister steps in. First volley; using client lists that he had in his possession, she sent a note to each of the wives of her customers. In that note she warned the wives that their husbands should not do business with the WW, as she threw her husband out to have an affair with a customer. Volley two, their product line had two items that were unique and patented. Sis let the largest customer know that WW's company had not paid residuals to the patent holders for months (WW was so arrogant, she believed she could do this with impunity) then sis let the patent holder know.

In short order, she loses a good 50% of her customer base. This was followed by a deathstroke. The supplier cut her off. Without that product available, her business tanked. She was desperate to find out why her company was dying. She got an offer for the business, and sold at a massive loss. She did not know that we had formed a corp, and SIL had bought the company for a song. BH gets out of the hospital, and hears the sob story from his STBX that she is broke, the company was sold and she is going to lose the house and car. He does not pay much attention to this. He returns to his sister, to discover that he is now in control of the company that he started. All of the WW's mistakes are corrected within a week. The company is back on solid footing. WW starts to hear that her business is back and doing really well. SO, she gets with her lawyer and finds out that she was bought out by her SIL. The company is doing much better without her. She was out maneuvered and lost big. She curses her SIL. Her SIL laughs every time she hears something bad has befallen the WW.

I think she said a bunch of nonsense to you. It was maybe real to her in her mind at the time. It was awful to say and in time maybe she sees how wrong she was. By then you will be gone and on your road to better things. I daresay if you were to meet her ten years from now she would tell you she never said those things that are hurting you right now.

Duplicate post

[This message edited by pureheartkit at 3:35 PM, October 22nd (Monday)]

Plate-

This is a very inspirational story. Its taken everything in me not to email her boss about her dating a coworker. Just something to put the information into her office if it isnt already. I never posted a single thing on facebook, not even a profile pic, but her brother is my friend still (we dont talk but he has no reason to immaturely block me on everything) and so Ive been subtley posting articles about cheating spouses, wives who leave for a coworker, are you dating a narcissist, etc. Just a few, just enough to let her family know somehow (I did tell her mom the second day as I was desperately trying to find out what was going on). I just want people to know the truth and shes the type to lie and omit and lie to serve herself, especially now.

But youre right, getting a job, building credit, finding a new home...these are my top priorities.

Pureheart-

Yeah I can totally see her conveniently forgetting what shes said. Hell, a few months ago she got drunk and admitted she probably wouldnt be a good mom. I agreed, because I think its true (hence why I never got talked into kids). Cut to Day 2, blame shifting extravaganza, and she said "You told me that I wouldnt be a good mom." I reminded her the truth and told her she is a history revisionist (and always has been, frankly). So, she has so many defense mechanisms at work at any time where she avoids taking an honest look at herself and her actions, at least in front of me for the last 12 years.

[This message edited by AbandonedGuy at 3:44 PM, October 22nd (Monday)]

So I just scheduled my first IC appt. Im hoping this person will be constructive in helping me cope and more easily process the waves of anger and sadness that smash into my background emotions on a regular basis. No matter what goes right for me, the next day I wake up like Bill Murray im Groundhog Day and feel worthless and bitter. I know that a lot of my emotions stem from my unemployment and temporary living situation. My basic needs arent met and since she was the catalyst for that, I am likely associated my anxiety over those things with her and our relationship. Id like to think that Im better off without her, but who knows.

Also this past week, I have found myself involuntarily thinking about her courtship with this coworker. Them out on a work trip, eating a nice paid for dinner, her getting handsy over drinks, etc. It drives me crazy. And I have nobody to talk to in person. Everybodys patience ran out weeks ago, so Ive just been doling out bit by bit of my monumental frustration, only when I feel its going to blow. Either they havent gone through this, or they have and its been so long ago that they dont care.

And all the while I keep having those days where I actually feel sorry for my WW and her sad affair fantasy. I shouldnt be feeling this way about such a heinous person who treated me with such disrespect and hurtfulness. Has anyone else here experienced this weird feeling of pity for your abuser, for lack of a better term?

I saw this play out with someone we are close to. She just left. After that he and the children were invisible to her. It finally occurred to all of us that she looked like a human being but wasn’t/isn’t one. No remorse at all and after a while he was so glad she was gone.