SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I saw this answer on another forum, and thought you guys would benefit from it.

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Question:

Would you take someone back who cheated?

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Answer:

I’ll assume you’re talking about infidelity. In that case the answer is no!

It’s harder to make that decision when you have a strong emotional attachment to that person, when time, building a home around a family and sacrifices are invested and when there are children and extended family to think about. It feels impossible to let go, even when it’s obvious it’s time to move on. There are 3 types of cheaters:

The sexual sociopath - not very common but this person only cares about himself/herself and requires validation from multiple partners.

The emotionally immature - selfish kids generally make bad decisions because they are unaware of how their bad behaviour can lead to devastating consequences. Boys, not men and girls, not women may practice superficial sex (instant pleasure) because they want what they want and it’s not that big of a deal. You can also see this type of behavior in Bipolar disorders as well.

The neglected (most common)- the cheater gets into this revenge mode after accumulating months and even years of resentment when they feel their needs aren’t being met.

Because I’m conservative when it comes to relationships, I would rather be with someone of good character that places a high value on loyalty, faithfulness and true love over the “it’s all about me” mentality and the short term pleasure over long term happiness, but also understands the devastating consequences of cheating. Those murder-suicide incidences are real and it devastates families and friends for generations.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m more than happy to forgive; after all, none of us is perfect. The consequence, however, isn’t like being at the wrong place at the wrong time where we trip and fall, scrape our knees, clean and bandage the wound and wait for it to heal again. Nope. It takes time for a perpetrator to slowly scrape away one’s honor, self-worth and self-respect in order to build up a resentment that dehumanizes a victim. Even if a cheater had very little character to begin with, I nor any other victim cannot force a cheater to place a high value on what should be meaningful. What kind of person would inflict such unfathomable betrayal that leaves in its wake a pain that runs so deep it feels like death? What about the children, the in-laws, the sacrifices? What if he catches you in bed with another and temporary insanity results in a very long prison sentence? They didn’t think about those consequences, did they? All they thought about was that fleeting moment to just feel good again.

It really doesn’t matter why anyone cheats; it only matters what kind of person does. We cannot fill that void for them; only they can built value in themselves in order to value others and because I’m not convinced this person is anything less than a massive character flaw, I will decline to commit any further time with them.

[This message edited by HurtnLostHope at 9:15 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

Thats fine for the person who wrote that. It doesn't apply to everyone.

People can and do change. This writer implies that it's impossible. It's not. When someone wants to, they can.

However, if a BS feels this way, that absolutely fine and what is best fo them.

Sorry, I believe that person isn't thinking straight.

A person is more than what s/he does. S/he's more accurately the some total of what s/he thinks, does, feels, and more. Cheating can be a small part of person, a one-time part of a person, a main part of a person ... I doubt there are any useful rules.

If you've been betrayed, the best outcome requires the BS to look deep inside to figure out what he wants and what's possible.

All other things being equal, I think rejecting anyone who has ever cheated is a recipe for deep hurt, just as accepting everyone who cheated back is.

Tell us what your sitch is, and maybe we can help. Of course, be ready - you might get 50% of us telling you to R and 50% telling you to D.

I know that there's a lot of sticking it out on this forum, and I applaud those strong folks, but I'm solidly on Team Divorce. There are dozens on here who have cheated and then, over time, sought to reflect on their actions and atone for their mistakes, changing into a better person in the process. They give me hope for humanity and my future relationships, but I just can't help but feel that if a marital foundation is cracked enough, then it's not worth saving. You can fill those cracks with MC, "staying together for the kids", financial reasons, and all sorts of things, but at the end of the day, can you ever truly feel that those cracks are filled? Even if your WS has a moment of clarity, does a heel turn, and starts saying and doing all the right things...won't you still have deep seated trust issues?

I'm all for the belief that a person can change, I really am. But you know what, if the WS wants to change into a better person, they can go do it with someone else. They already fucked *this* relationship up, and their "better version" isn't worth my time anymore, nor is it worth spending months stuck in some kind of emotionally repugnant limbo where every day you're questioning the very basis of your reality.

A lot of great info above here. I did try to take him back. My mind could never fully commit. Peace came after I just stopped and moved on. I love my life now. It does get easier after a bit for those wondering.

There's an old saying, "You're only as strong as your weakest link".

I think that saying can be changed just a bit to apply to cheating:

You're only as good as the worst thing you've done.

I believe that.

Can they change? Idk.....they can stop cheating, yes, but they'll never change from the person that thought cheating was ok.

I couldn't stay with my serial cheating ex. However, the major reason is because he was a narcissistic sexual sociopath and a predator. Had he been a less heinous creep, I might have tried.

I did.

He’s changed.

We have reconciled and we are happy.

Reconciliation is not for everyone. I never thought it was for me either. You just don’t know what you will do in a situation until you are in it.

I think the spin is always on the cheater. Is it worth risking it again? Can they change? Are they reconciliation material? Etc etc

This is an interesting post but again the focus is on the cheater. The focus should be on us as a betrayed. Can we ever truly move past infidelity? I think some betrayed are so desperate to cling onto the marriage and family (I know I was) that they forget to put themselves first and actually question what they can deal with. There is no doubt that a marriage after infidelity will never be the same again. That the view of your ‘perfect’ spouse are shattered. That you live with the trauma of how for a period of time they dehumanised and betrayed the very person they were supposed to love and protect most in this world. I realise that true reconciliations happen and I think that beautiful but I know for myself that even if my cheater had been remorseful, I could never have truly forgiven him and I would have been lying to myself to try to reconcile.

It’s just typical of betrayed that even after being cheated we still look to our cheater and their behaviour to consider reconciliation and very few look deeply at themselves and question whether they will ever truly move past it.

Just my thoughts...

Seems to me that if you dump a cheater, the odds are about 50/50 you end up with another one.

Pick your poison.

I did stay with someone who cheated, in fact I married them. Then they cheated again. I don't want to take them back again.

Does that answer your question?

I would have taken him back if:

A. He was remorseful

B. Had stopped the affair when I found out about it.

We were together 20 years. If he had a one and done encounter, had acted remorseful and did the work to make sure it would never happen again, I would have 100% gone for reconciliation. He lied,, cheated, gaslighted, is a cake-eating, POS who never once tried or ended his affair. He just lied and lied about it being over and found many ways to go underground. This went on for 1.5 years. Then when he realized I was done, he did a 180. But too much had happened, too many lies were told.

It can happen, but it seems to me I've heard of more false R's than actual ones.

I think this is a loaded question. All situations are diffenent. Would I take a cheater back that I was not married to? Had no children? No life built together? No. BUt, Once you have a long history, children, etc... marriage becomes more than just a relationship. It’s a partnership, home base and security for children, financial security for yourself. etc. Discounting all the aspects of a martial agreement because cheating is involved is not always the best solution for BS and families. I guess for me I never considered my marriage to be centered around a soulmate and great love affair. It was the basis for my family. He was not my great love, my family and life are my great love. I Felt this way before D day too. Therefore, “taking back a cheater” is not really a fair question when marriage for many is so much more than romance. In many cultures marriage has nothing to do with love. I think it’s our culture that likes to pretend that marriage should always be a great love story and when that love falters the marriage needs to end. For some it Needs to end, but for those who value other aspects of the marital relationship moreso than fidelity then reconciling might be the better alternative. Whoever wrote this original piece clearly has an agenda. I believe that agenda is based out of insecurity with his or her decision. It’s the second guessing of our decisions that causes many to seek affirmation of them. When we are insecure we seek others to assure us that we are making the right choice, but in reality there is no “right choice” except for the choice that brings one peace.

marriage becomes more than just a relationship. It’s a partnership, home base and security for children, financial security for yourself. etc.

This is probably the gist of why I stayed. Had there been no kids it would have been a no brainer. Getting over infidelity seems neverending and if it were just me that I had to look after I would have been gone. No one is worth the time spent getting over this crap! It is a severe trauma one that has left a scar as deep if not deeper than my childhood sexual abuse.

On average, I think most cheaters are going to repeat, or the cheating is going to make them a worse partner. Or the BS doesn't believe them any more.

I think marriages that are truly better after As are very rare. Sorry to all of the WS here. Rare that things get better. Even with the success stories here, I think a lot of rugsweeping goes on.

And sometimes, there are certainly no more affairs. Even when people leave for AP, sometimes that marriage lasts. Again, rugsweeping. People just stop looking at that part of themselves and distract themselves.

Or the opportunities aren't there any more. WS gets too old for the idea to be attractive, or changes their job and it's not so easy to find the APs any more. It depends why they cheated.

I guess I look at myself, and think it's hard for people to change. I am a BS. Divorced, have a GF. Some things change, a lot of things don't change. It's really hard for people to change who they are. If "who they are" involves cheating, well too bad for their partners, mostly. Expect the status quo.

People with children and WS, I totally get that. I would have tried to make it work too. The sad cases are people who are young and just dating who try to reconcile. No kids, just dating, and they are trying to make it work. Those people need a 2X4. You are young and can find someone else. That is just sad and stupid when I see those people here.

Striver,

I've made it a point to try to talk sense into younger people who are trying to salvage shitty relationships. I usually ask something like:

1. Are there major differences in your goals or personalities that have been points of contention?

2. Do you constantly fight about the pettiest things?

3. Is at least one of you seeking "space" or "time to think about things"?

4. Did the other person cheat, or even just make it a habit of flirting with others to the point where you're uncomfortable?

And if they answer yes to any of that, I remind them that shitty, forced relationships can eventually become shitty, forced marriages, sometimes with kids involved. It's better to pull that bandaid off now, while you've got the majority of your youth.

I feel there is too much once a cheater always a cheater mind set in some of these replies.

I cheated on my first husband - after 40 years I still think of it with shame and remorse - but I took a long, hard look at myself and knew I never wanted to be that person again. I cheated - but I am not a cheater.

My H was - and is - a good, decent man. He is the first to admit what he did was beyond forgivable - it was a horrendous, selfish act - one he will regret for the rest of his life. For 30 years he was a faithful loving husband - am I to forget those 30 years - define him by his A?

None of us are perfect - we all have character flaws - but those flaws don't have to define who we are. People are capable of great change - and I wanted to give my H the chance to prove to me he could.

Wether one R or D - the trauma of infidelity still has to be dealt with. I chose to give R a chance - knowing I could always walk away and I would be okay - and I wanted to give him the chance to prove to me he he was still the man I had loved for 30 years.

What you said, Nana, sounds very romantic, and I do see and understand your reasoning. But, if he gives you HIV, no one's walking away from that. That's something both time and reason won't heal.

Regardless, whether we're taking about the natural world or issues of the heart, you are not his experiment to see if he can behave.

[This message edited by HurtnLostHope at 9:16 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

Would you take someone back who cheated?

Every time one gets into a relationship, it is taking a risk because you never really, truly know everything about how another person thinks - especially how they think to themselves.

Over time, we may get more comfortable with a person based on the behavior we have observed - behavior that appears to be consistent.

But again, we still don’t truly know everything that is lurking within another’s mind even after a long period of time.

After several years of knowing my then wife, I would have told anyone that she would never in a million years be unfaithful to her family.

Until she was unfaithful to her family.

I knew the instant I found out about her “affair” that I would be divorcing.

It wasn’t just about her betraying me - it was more about what she had done to our children.

I knew I would be divorcing her even before I confronted her and able to see her reaction to being caught doing something so incredibly despicable.

I knew that no matter what her reaction would be, be it remorseful or be it blameshifting, that I simply would not go through life attempting to live life while “trusting with fear”.

There is no way I wanted to go through many years of having to play detective and supervisor to her actions and whereabouts only to end up still always wondering if she really is at a late meeting, really on a girls night out, or really had the phone on silent when I tried calling while away on a trip.

Her reaction to getting caught was horrific - about as bad as it gets as we hear on this infidelity forum with all the classic blameshifting, anger, contempt, gaslighting, trickle-truthing, and more lies.

But even if she was immediately horrified by what she had done, showed profound remorse, and did all possible to make amends, I still could not have lived with her level of infidelity.

I don’t believe people really change.

Behavior like infidelity is addiction-based, in my opinion.

The addiction temptation will always be there no matter what.

The only deterrent is the fear of the potential loss from being caught again.

Hurtnlost - I understand your viewpoint - "if" he gives me HIV - what "if" I get HIV from my next partner - unless I plan on being celibate for the rest of my life.

What if he cheats again - what if he doesn't. What if my next partner cheats - what if he doesn't. Hell - any relationship is an experiment - no one knows what will play out in a relationship - you go in to it hoping for the best and trusting you've made the right choice. How many relationships end in divorce even with no infidelity involved.

I did not go into R with rose colored glasses - this has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride - but I did go in to R knowing my strengths - knowing that I would be okay no matter the outcome. I believed the A was an aberration - that was not the man he truly was.

I don't believe people are addicted to A's. Yes - he was addicted to the A at the time - but the man is 62 years old - he had one A - I hardly call that an addict.

As I stated - I had an A when I was married to my first husband, That was nearly 40 years ago. I've never cheated again - never even really been tempted and frankly I am insulted by being told I can't change - I will always be addicted to cheating. I did change - because I wanted to and did not want to be that person anymore. Saying people can't change is an insult to the score of waywards on this site who have changed - they should be encouraged -not condemned to a lifetime of being labeled cheaters.