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How do I know if what I'm feeling is attachment or love? I know I'm struggling 9 mo after Dday and honestly, no feelings have come back. I still have feelings but I can't tell if they're for how I envision her not who she is. I'm not sure what is right for me.

After D are y'all happier? We have no kids, no joint property, I'm 33 and shes 31.

Within a few months after I decided to D, my friends were telling me I seemed happier than they had ever seen me. They were right.

You've had a 4 year marriage, no property, no kids. You are young enough to start again. There is nothing to stop you.

Or you can stay with her, be dragged through this crap longer, maybe many more years, and potentially waste a lot more of your life.

Im trying to listen to my friends, all of them have said this woman is just bad for me. Why can't I see it?

Did you know right away you wanted D? Do you feel validated by D and haven't looked back? I know, I keep trying to write the whole thing out and it just, she gave me one serious gift after her A and it was rage, I've never felt rage before. So when I write it out, that's all I feel, I just am drifting in this void until I can work again, I will reevaluate how I feel.

Honestly, I see the people who stay, attempt R and claim things like "If I was younger no kids, I wouldn't stay" or how the embarrassment and triggers still happen 10 years out. If this is how I feel 9 months out from DDay and I still don't find her attractive, or care if shes in pain...is this really a marriage?

Im seriously asking for help in maybe someone has a similar mindset or insight into what is going on in my life?

[This message edited by ImSoLost at 6:57 AM, November 29th (Thursday)]

I’m with LITD on this one. I know the complexities of all of our situations are different, so take this for what it’s worth - but if I were in your predicament (no kids, other entanglements other than the marriage itself), I’d RUN!!!

After my D-Day, in instinctively knew (but later avoided my truth), that his affair was a dealbreaker for me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt my decision to remain and give reconciliation a try was 90% due to my kids and wanting to preserve our family unit for them. The other 10% was probably out of fear because my WH is all I’ve ever known. Heck - you can actually play around with the percentages but the division of priorities remains - kids and fear - neither are good enough reasons to endure the aftermath of what our wayward spouses deliberately CHOOSE for us.

Only you can do what’s best for you - and only you can decide what that looks like. I will say however that you’ve been given a gift of time - YOUR OWN TIMETABLE - to reflect and really CHOOSE your next course, whether it be D o R.

Wishing strength for you for today. It truly is a one-day-at-a-time thing, one foot in front of the other.

How do I know if what I'm feeling is attachment or love?

Does it matter which it is for you if this was a dealbreaker?

Many on SI have D folks they still love. But they loved themselves enough to know they did not want to keep going through this and/or they just knew their heart could not comeback from this with their partner.

Your feelings for your spouse do not have to be dead to D, that is what makes it so hard.

Are you in IC? If not, maybe that would help you tremendously sort it all out?

There is no timeline for this (other than what you want). I made the choice to keep trying long after I should have an wasted years. I should have D sooner but we do what is right for us at the time and I thought I was doing just that.

After D are y'all happier?

Yes. While I grieved the M and the end of what I thought my future was, the D actually brought me peace because I was no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The healing process whether you are in R or D is long and hard. I know nine months feels like forever, but in the scope of healing it is not.

no feelings have come back.

In your heart of hearts, was this a dealbreaker for you?

Hi ImSoLost

Allow me to welcome you to the D forum. There is an incredible group of men who I am proud to be able to call my brothers. And the wisest and most caring women I have ever met in my life.

Then, with respect to the title of your thread;

WW doesn't want D

Quite simply, she does not to get any say in that.

And then on to your question,

After D are y'all happier?

I have found a greater happiness than I ever even imagined possible, even anything imagined well before I discovered the D.

Not only that, I am more pleased with the me that is emerging from all of this. More caring, more compassionate, less arrogant, and would you believe it? More confident.

Please know that I am not recommending D for you. I can never know all details of your situation. Just sharing my experience.

Not yet divorced but so much happier living without WH. I have kids and property so some things will take much longer to sort but my happiness is much better now and I really wasn't sure when I told him to leave if I really wanted that. I now know it was my best decision. Clarity of thought was impossible whilst we were together.

ImSoLost, I was married to the true love of my life (and she still is, 18 years post divorce). But that doesn't mean she wasn't toxic. I still think about her a lot and how I miss her and what we once had...

It's sort of like being deathly allergic to your favorite food. You jest feel the need to nibble constantly. But in the end, it will kill you unless you stop.

My suggestion is to keep your eyes ahead and make a new life. You will be ever so glad you did.

It's sort of like being deathly allergic to your favorite food. You jest feel the need to nibble constantly. But in the end, it will kill you unless you stop

So true! ^^^^^^

Its so hard to detach from a toxic relationship. You have been in an abusive relationship, emotionally abusive, and its so hard to accept that and see it for what it really is because the WS tries to "love bomb" a BS sometimes to try to get them to come back into the relationship so it becomes really confusing.

That is why you must work really hard in doing the 180 and also NC with your WS. The more you talk to them and allow them space in your head the more it will keep the dysfunction in your life. But I know it is hard, if you fall off the wagon, brush yourself off and get back on again, you can do it!

One of the scariest things we face is the unknown. On the other side of the door is a new life for you but you don’t know what it will be like. You know what this life is like because you are living it. What you have to weigh is whether or not this is how you want to live. If you do then you try to do it the best you can. If you don’t then you have to open up that scary door and step outside. What you need to look at is how you want life to be next year, five years, or 20 years down the road.

I don’t know anyone who divorced and then regretted it. They all recognized their marriages were dead.

If there is still a spark. If you have a truly remorseful wife then maybe. At this point the best thing the two of you can do is sit down and talk about finances, fear of the unknown, whether there is still genuine love there. That old cliche that communication is paramount is true. You need to keep emotions out of it and talk reality. Most of us don’t and we don’t get the breakthroughs we need.

It’s scary facing a new life but careful planning can make it less so. Even if you stay it is still a new life.

These are very common feelings. I have had / still have them. Am I making a huge mistake? Then again I'm happy. I'm not looking out the window every 5 minutes, dreading to see her car turn up. What kind of marriage is that?

I don't know how I thought I was happy but I now know I was not. It was only moving out that reminded me that I am a grown up and can have whatever life I chose. Not the one chosen for me.

It's really tough. I see her regularly and I often still get a rush of feelings of all kinds.

What I do know is that a huge amount of people have told me how much better I am looking.

Personally I feel a huge weight off, even though I face a nightmare with finances in D and will have to co-parent with for another decade. I feel taller somehow! I stand straighter. I don't feel the cold half as much (no idea why!!). I can actually THINK with a clear head and my decisions are not then frowned up or ridiculed if I make a mistake. I don't have to feel guilty about just taking a lazy day now and then.

I am not interested in any romantic attachments and not sure I ever will now. I feel I have lost the ability to trust women or at least I am not prepared to risk that sort of pain again.

Good luck. Attachment is very powerful. Even though my WW made my life a misery aside from the cheating, my instinct is still very much to put my arms around her and protect her. But I can't go back to that now and that's a hard thing to accept.

Yes, definitely happier. Happy to not worry about what he's doing/lying about. Happy to feel in control of my life, knowing that I'm working toward my own future and goals.

I would honestly say that if you don't love your WW. That you should probably get a divorce. Just remember it takes a very long time to heal. You need to make a choice to wait and see if your love comes back or to just get a divorce.

Honestly, if even with a divorce you would still have the opportunity to reconnect if you heal completely and choose to love her again and she is still open to it.

My WW is straight up in the affair fog. WW keeps saying she wants a divorce but never does it because she knows the consequences of breaking our family to pieces. My WW has already destroyed our family emotionally.

As of now I don't love her like I did. I love who she used to be. I don't know if that could come back. My WW would have to make some serious changes and effort before I could even trust her again.

I think your questions are natural.

It may take awhile to detach and fall out of love. Perhaps some type of connection with your wayward wife will always be present depending on the amount of interaction you have with her. But, it may not be enough to remain in a marriage to her.

I love the changes underway in me and the trajectory my life is on since I filed for divorce.

I have utilized SI to question my choice and understand what was going on emotionally with me. I have never attempted reconciliation in real life. My divorce is taking a lengthy time to process because of unique circumstances. (A divorce would be the ultimate Christmas gift for me!)

You should accept that you need to grieve the loss of the marriage you had and the discovery of who and what your wayward wife is. The grief process will not be linear and you will bounce around feeling different emotions. If you have been or return to the anger phase what questions did you have or do you think you will have when in this stage of grief?

Listen to her actions and perhaps you will discover which path you should be on based on what she is doing. You need to ascertain if your wayward wife is transforming into a safe spouse and is capable of building a marriage that you desire. Do not project qualities and behavior onto her that are not there.

Next, evaluate what your life will be like living in infidelity versus a life without betrayal. How can you make this happen for you?

Finally, utilize what I will term practicing positive psychology to determine what you want in your life and what it takes for you to get there. Do not paint life without your wife negatively or in a doomsday fashion. Be very optimistic and realistic. Now develop a "rough" plan for getting there based on factors under your influence or control.

I suggest you keep things simple and do not get abstract at this point in time.

You have the opportunity to change in profound ways. The how and what are up to you as are the details.

You can still love someone and still recognize they are toxic for you and it is best to cut them loose. That comes from deep self-reflection, looking at what they have done, and deciding if they have done all the necessary work to repair their inner brokenness or not. If they have, then you decide if you want to give the gift of reconciliation. If they haven't, that doesn't mean you don't love them any less, but it is a recognition that they are still not a safe partner and you need to get them out of your life so you don't continue to spiral down the marital toilet. Staying with a toxic person, regardless of whether it is "attachment" or "love," is unhealthy for you.

Generally, time and emotional distance will give you clarity. That comes with the 180 (if still living together) or hard NC if separated. You need that clarity to see her for what she really is and get her off the pedestal.

For what it's worth, I never doubted my decision to D, and I became a whole new person afterward (back to my old happy-go-lucky self). The stress was killing my soul a little each day, but I couldn't see that until I got the distance. Once the rose colored glass get ripped off your face, the reality of who you are married to can be like a bucket of cold water in the face. But it is very liberating at the same time.

Unless she has done some very hard work to earn the gift of R from you, you might want to think twice before wasting another few decades with someone that doesn't deserve you. But only you can decide that.

In my case, the calculus wasn't "Do I still have feelings for her/him?" Rather, it was "Are they capable of being trustworthy again and can I realistically envision a healthy relationship to which we're both truly committed?"

In my case, the answer to the first question was "Yes" and to the second question, a resounding "HELL NO."

I have a VERY similar situation to yours.

But I have a different perspective on this - IMO if you have kids you have a duty to leave and so MUCH MORE to lose if you stay. The best time for R is if you don't have any real "reason" to stay other than you want to - which is your situation (and mine). R is a selfish move for a BS (sorry but it's too emotionally charged to claim that your kids can't see and feel the changes and it SUCKS for them - if you choose R most likely you are choosing an emotional hell for them that separation usually doesn't bring). It's kind of like an A in a way - you "think" no one notices, but afterwards EVERYONE does. It's the same for your kids. Having lived through both as a child I choose D over R any day if I had kids, period...but that's just me.

That being said, I think the feelings for me come and go of regret, love, hate, disgust, embarrassment...but I do have feelings for him - but they are numbed out a lot more than they used to be. We had false R and that just about killed them for me. It remains to be seen if they will return but one thing I've learned on this site as just like all WS's are not the same (some are remorseful and some are such horrible people I think the emotional abuse they have doled out should land them in prison for a long time), BS's aren't either. Maybe your feelings will return or maybe they won't. Maybe you will be happier in D and maybe you won't. Unfortunately at some point you will "just know" what you need to do. Where that point is seems to be different for a lot of people.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 3:47 PM, November 29th (Thursday)]

The last 5 days I've been angry, I still font get a reason why she did this, why when faced with a man telling her to get naked she obeyed, she would leave our bed and go to him, to obey his orders to show up when he said. Its all "I don't know" and "I cant remember" she doesn't peruse me, she feels hurt I'm hurting and doesn't extend herself. I spend a lot of time sleeping, I don't feel that warmth of holding her in my arms, I know I don't forgive easy ever. I struggle having sex with her, if its at all possible.

Really shes devolved into what she was pre-A, shes really not changed. Shes broken NC 3 times since Dday all alcohol fueled, her last message is when I asked for separation and she got drunk at 8am and messaged him on snapchat with "Im, just so disappointed" and he never responded.

In my heart of hearts I know I won't ever get past this, I think shes like a hot pan and everytime I touch her I get burned. Im just struggling with how much I loved her and how I really am codependent.

Her actions against you were horrific. Sometimes there's just too much damage.

If it were me I'd get the most out of this and get those DV charges dropped. You should have enough evidence.

Once you're in the clear get out of dodge quickly

Being codependent isn't a life sentence, but with anything, recognizing you have it is a very big first step. What are you actually doing about it? Tackling that will actually allow you to see her more clearly, and you may just realize you don't like what you see.