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I can't afford a private investigator. And there is no way I can hire one and her not know. I talked to my brother tonight and explained my situation and all I have done to find out, and he said I was obsessive. He says if I found nothing on social media, no second phone, no messages deleted, and have a friend following her around and found no signs of any dishonesty then I need to step back.

He said I keep an eye on things, but to get a VAR and a private investigator is overkill, and I'm going to drive myself crazy. Told me to spend all this time I'm spending on trying to catch her as I am just focusing on my marriage, it'd probably solve its self. I'm starting to think I might have to scale back. I have really done everything I can think of within my means.

Does her paycheck reflect the hours she's working?

I don't think getting a VAR is overkill at all, many cheaters love to talk on their way to and back from work in their cars, we've seen it many times here and other forums, it's not a tool to prove in court by for YOU to know what's going on if anything at all, if the VAR doesn't pick anything up and after a month or two of surveillance at her workplace/gym then it's probably time to step back, if she's cheating and/or is on the early stages of an EA, then a couple of months of VAR/Surveillance should be more than enough to detect it. Get the VAR, test it and plant it in her car.

Trust your gut, GamerJoe.

Does her paycheck reflect the hours she's working?

That’s what I was thinking.

How did she explain coming home 2 hours after getting off?

If you hadn’t found anything after 3 weeks of looking, it’s looking good but the gut instinct is almost always right. I’d suggest a VAR and gps in the car.

Does her paycheck reflect the hours she's working?

So I hadn't checked her pay stubs, so when had a shower I went and took a picture of her last few months worths of paychecks. And I'm not seeing any indiscretions. She doesn't work today or tomorrow, and not going to the gym because she wants to spend the whole few days with me. I'm going to take a step back unless my suspicions increase.

How did she explain coming home 2 hours after getting off?

A few times in the past, the staff will stay behind after hours at having a drink or two.

[This message edited by GamerJoe at 11:55 AM, December 24th (Monday)]

I'm not saying hire a PI full time to investigate. I'm saying go talk to one about use of VARs in your state.

The VAR is a pretty important evidence gathering tool. Cars are like confessionals. Whatever is really happening is more than likely to be divulged in that car.

I totally understand wanting to back off for the time being. Your wife is engaging with you more so take advantage of it. We're just saying be the vigilant observer. If she starts behaving again in ways that make you suspicious like she did before then you will know what to do next.

So yes, focus back on your marriage but with eyes wide open.

I totally understand wanting to back off for the time being. Your wife is engaging with you more so take advantage of it. We're just saying be the vigilant observer. If she starts behaving again in ways that make you suspicious like she did before then you will know what to do next.

So yes, focus back on your marriage but with eyes wide open.

She still going to the gym every morning with the exception of today and tomorrow and has worked late a few times, but I did tell her that I would like her to get off at her regular time, so I can at least spend a little bit of time with her before we both have to go to bed. She said okay, and promised she would. So she only stayed an extra hour on Saturday night. The tips are good and it really does help offset our bills.

With the marriage dynamic today. there is a 50/50 chance she is cheating. But I don't see many red flags other than the dressing up to go to the gym. That one is a little off in my mind. But not much. My wife will never set foot out of the house without makeup or fixing her hair.

I did eventually catch my wife in what I would call an EA with a guy at her gym and put an end to it.

You might be over reacting or you might not. The problem is that you cannot have a good marriage until you know for sure. So keep up the sleuthing. For your own piece of mind if for no other reason.

A VAR in her car is your best bet. Most cheaters feel safe having conversations in their car.

A separate GPS in her car is another idea. Seeing where the car goes while you are working might uncover something. They are available on-line and most can be placed in the car where discovery is next to impossible.

You said she has an iphone. Turn on the location services and the find my friends function.

Another good tool is Life360. It is a free app that you can download. The only draw back is that you have to download it on her phone as well. Then you need to send an invite for her to join. The invite is a code that has to be entered from her phone. It tracks and stores a history of every place the phone travels without alerting her.

If you have a calendar on your phone put in entries to note these behaviors. Put in the time it occurs on the say it occurs as an event. If you have an android phone, google calendar works really well to sync that info with your gmail account. It also allows you to search the calendar and give you results listed by Chronicle order. I do this when my XW says or does stupid shit that I can use for custody modification. I search for entries I put as "XW" and get everything I need to know in one search. Makes for great argument killers whe. XW "claims" she didn't say or do something but one search in the calendar I can list off exact dates, times, and additional info I would put in the notes section of each recorded event. It's a fucking awesome tool and a weapon against gaslighting.

For now, your wife seems to be doing what a LOT of waywards won't do in the heat of their affairs, and that's willingly make time for their partners when asked. Instead, she would be making all kinds of excuses to keep working late and spend less time with you. She would come up with excuses to argue with you out of the blue when her AP makes a booty call just so she could justify her leaving the house to "go cool off" as they might say...for a few to several hours, sometimes even overnight.

For now, get into the spirit of the holidays. Open your heart up to her and see how she responds. If you haven't already

Compliment her on how she looks in her new clothes and tell her all her hard work at the gyms really paying off.

GamerJoe, it isn't any particular activity that can indicate anything. It's if there is a sudden change of behavior that can be a clue, for instance, the dressing up to go to the gym. If she has always done so then nothing has changed. If it is a sudden change in behavior, though, like never dressing up or putting on make-up to go the gym and she suddenly is there's something to explore.

There can also be reasons why your wife (not sure there is a wayward with the wife) is willing to spend more time at home for a few days is that AP isn't available for a few days. Could be nothing, too. Watch, observe things like a sudden need for privacy at home or any sudden need to leave the house for something or a sudden disagreement out of the blue where she can storm out proclaiming she doesn't need to put up with this shit (I'm projecting here, just so you know).

I still say to trust your gut. There may not be anything. Wouldn't that be good. But there might be.

Update:

Last night after our New Years Eve plans fell through, was called into work and she accepted. At around one this morning, I was bored, so I decided to surprise her at work. There hadn't been anything suspicious to support my suspicions that she was cheating, so I kind of put it on the back burner. So I go to the bar, and I see her behind the counter.

She didn't see me at first, but she is laughing, flirting with a bunch of drunks. I noticed she isn't wearing her wedding ring. She sees me and frowns. A man at the bar looks at me and tells me to 'fuck off.' She says nothing. I turn around to leave because I'm growing upset. She talks to another guy to take over the bar and follows me outside.

She asks me what I'm doing here and what my problem was. I just simply said, I guess stopping and surprising your wife is wrong now. She said that it just caught her off guard. I just said I was bored, missed her and wanted to stop in before I went to sleep for the night, but I guess she was too busy pretending to be single to care.

She told me they were regulars and they always tipped well. Then I mentioned why she wasn't wearing her wedding band. She said that men tip better if they think you are not married. I said fine whatever went home and fell asleep.

She called me at 6 am, drunk and asked if I would come to pick her up from her co-worker's house (female, that much I can confirm). I was mad. She said I was in a bad mood and was invited to aher house for a few drinks with a group of people that worked that night, so she accepted.

So I did go pick her up, she is wearing her wedding ring again, and is super flirt with me. I'm just super mad. I feel insecure where I never used to be. I haven't had a conversation with her about last night because I refuse to talk to her when she is drunk, and she's still sleeping, after throwing up most of the morning from a hang over.

[This message edited by GamerJoe at 3:33 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

When she sobers up, ask her what's more important to her: tips, or respecting her husband?

There is infidelity and there are the precursors.

Hanging out late, dressing differently, flirting with other men, and especially taking off her wedding ring are all precursors.

That doesn't mean she has or hasn't crossed the line yet, but you have plenty to be suspicious of.

Also, the going to her girlfriend's house instead of coming home or even calling you is highly suspicious.

I would do the VAR now. If you had it in her car last night that was a golden opportunity to learn what's up either way.

Also, do you have kids? Even if your wife is not cheating (yet) her commitment to the relationship appears to be suspect, keep in mind how much you want to invest in it with further years of your life.

If she does not want to stay committed, it might be time for you to "scare her straight"!

[This message edited by faithfulman at 5:45 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

Her frowning upon seeing you tells you quite a bit. Her remaining quiet when the drunk curses you out tells you more.

I have been around more bars than I care to remember in my life and because of that I have known many many bartenders and their significant others. The ones with strong relationships welcome their significant others and let everyone, I mean everyone, staff and customers alike know that they are not available and their significant others are number one.

Those that act like your wife did in my experience trouble always follows. On a holiday like NYE she should have had you there drinking quietly with her while she did her shift, she should have demanded it.

The fact that she followed you out though says a lot. That told the whole bar you are her significant other. Not coming home right after can be explained by her being drunk and being too chicken shit to look you in the face because she knows she has been caught acting like a jerk.

Wait a few days and have a calm conversation with her. Ask her how would she feel if the roles were reversed? That if she refuses to recognize your legitimate insecurities then perhaps what she really wants is to be single. Remind her that it was quite telling for her to frown upon your arrival, that as your wife on a holiday night she should have been happy that you as her husband cared enough to want to see her. Her frowning feels like her having a husband present just spoiled the evening

Ohh, I say BS on the wedding ring. She can lie to herself and say its about hustling tips but what she is really doing is putting herself out there as a single person. Remind her that men will tip her well enough whether she is single or not. Her not wearing her ring is telling everyone she is available. Ask her point blank if that is what she really wants because based on her actions that night she appears to be sitting on the fence on whether she wants to be married or single.

If she really really loves you she will address your concerns in a positive way that reassures you. If however she starts to blame you, accuse you of being controlling, putting her behavior on you then you have your answer and must prepare yourself accordingly.

[This message edited by BrooklynGuy at 5:25 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

I don't know if she's cheating or not but Her disrespect is staggering.

You seem to just take it. Why?

Afterwards she doesn't even bother coming home?

You need some self worth.

[This message edited by Marz at 5:32 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

She had sent me a text shortly after two in the morning when the bar closed, saying she was going to go to a co-worker's house for a bit. She had left her car at the bar, and caught a ride with someone else. I went and got it, did a search of it and found nothing out of place. Just her gym bag, which I had checked, my sweat shirt, and some garbage.

We have no kids.

She is finally up now and is in the shower. I had checked her phone and there was a text to me, and the phone call to me at six am to come to get her. When she gets out I'm going to confront her. I'm not going to take this disrespect any longer. Her reaction will tell me a lot.

[This message edited by GamerJoe at 5:41 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

Why do you think the guy at the bar cursed you out? That is extremely ODD.

Gamerjoe, check the location history of her phone too.

Gamerjoe, check the location history of her phone too.

I have, she went from our house to the bar, then from the bar to co-worker's house, where I picked her up. It showed she was there from 2:40 to 6:20am when I picked her up. She didn't smell like sex, or did it look like her clothes were out of place or anything. She seemed genuinely happy to see me, and thanked me for coming to get her.

[This message edited by GamerJoe at 5:54 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]