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In the wake of dday, I found that WH had been looking at soft porn videos on you tube. We had issues previously in the marriage where he was viewing porn and getting himself off while I was at work during the day. Then he would have no interest in having sex with me. So I was obviously very angry when I saw porn in his viewing history. When I confronted him about it, he said it was no different than using a toy on myself, however I don't feel the two things are equal. When we were first married, he told me he didn't want to own any toys because he felt like I would use them to satisfy myself and have no interest in him. What are ya'll's thoughts?

Hi AnyWhoX

oh boy....this ,to me as a problem. As a BS whose WH became addicted to porn ( which escalated into a LTA with one of the whores on the websites ) , I see the potential for this to get out of hand.

When the soft porn loses it's effect, they look at websites. It might seem innocent , i.e. husband can tell himself that there is no harm done, all men look at porn, etc, etc.

Well I can tell you from personal experience that porn IS NOT HARMLESS !!

Those sites have the ability to lure people in and take over their lives.

Just last week my IC told me that porn addiction has higher numbers of people addicted than eating disorders and gamblers combined ...let that sink in.

Please do what you can to urge him to stop and seek counseling , preferably with someone who specializes in sex addiction

You can't compare watching porn to using sex toys. Apples and oranges. You can tell him you are fine with him using a male masturbation device (a "pocket pussy") but not porn and see what he says.

Ok so I borrowed the tablet to look up movie Times. After I hit search two other tabs open up. Porn site and a hookups site. Thought that tablet was clean of it. Check the history to see porn pages. Nice how it jumps up unasked for when you search for a movie. And the hookup page with the pictures of prostitutes begging you to try them out. I'm so sick of this nonsense.

They get paid for clicks too when you close the tabs.

Masturbation that leads to this.

Then he would have no interest in having sex with me.

Is a huge problem. I know it. It's a lot easier than interactive with a messy, complicated human who might actually want a connection.

I dislike porn mostly because I know about the sex trade involved, many of the participants aren't healthy volunteers. And too many are children. if he were using porn in the form of written fiction, it's less exploitative to others but still can lead to unhealthy marriages.

Masturbation to this degree brings up the potential for addiction in that it's an isolating practice. an addicts best friend is his/her isolation.

He needs to explore potential intimacy issues he may have. or maybe he's just lazy.

I disagree totally with him. Women and men are not the same when it comes to sexual drive, and want.

Yes it's generally true that when a man takes matters into their own hands, and bang one out, they are not interested in sex.

However for most women the opposite is true. If you are having difficulties being interested, and wanting sex, a toy that helps you reach your destination often increases the desire to have sex.

I discourage gross generalizations. I do think your spouse who has issues w/ porn in the past shouldn't be using porn. Period.

However you haven't had issues, and it is not his place to tell you what todo with your body. So if you want to use a toy, use it. If he doesn't like it, then it needs to be discussed, but he absolutely does not have the right to tell you what you want to do with your body.

So far, all of your responses have been from females. I can tell you a male is going to have a completely different take on this. Porn is such a gender dividing topic.

Do you only use the toy when you are with him ? Do you ever use it by yourself and hide that from him ?

My viewpoint...anything that replaces or interferes with a couple's intimacy, can be detrimental to a relationship.

I can not wrap my mind around people not "allowing" their spouses to masturbate. That's actually insane. But if the porn is replacing your spouse there are problems. If you would rather use this toy than turn to your spouse there are problems. Just my 2 cents.

I'd be buying me several toys and using them frequently - in front of him and without him.

Seriously though, masturbation is a natural occurrence BUT he should not be doing it so much that he cannot have marital relations. If it is impacting your sex life then something needs to be addressed in IC and MC.

We do have toys that we use during sex. He has made it very clear that he does not want me using them without him. To the point that he wont let me use it on myself during even sex. Honestly my sex drive (other than one pregnancy) has always been higher than his and he has a long refractory period before he can have sex again. So I'm left wanting and he has no interest for at least a couple of days after. By the time he's interested again, I'm no longer desiring it.

When I told him yes, that I have sometimes gotten myself off using one of the toys he was like don't tell me that, I'll never want to use them again. It's such a weird viewpoint to me.

Those are some truly staggering levels of insecurity.

I agree with you that his viewpoint is completely bizarre.

So you're not allowed to have orgasms unless he's there? You're not allowed to give yourself orgasms?

It sounds like a very controlling relationship on both sides. You don’t want him watching porn, yet he does. He doesn’t want you using toys without him, yet you do. Neither of you are allowed to get yourselves off. Sounds very bizarre to me.

^^^ I completely disagree with you on that. A sex toy is an inanimate object ( pretty much )

Porn involves looking at , listening to and interaction with the images of an actual human...porn sites invite and encourage interaction with the performers. They stalk their members, and turn up the heat when the viewing goes down

A sex toy cannot talk to you. A sex toy cannot email you.

A sex toy cannot pop up on a laptop or tablet and invite you to indulge.

Apples and oranges

Neither of you are allowed to get yourselves off.

Not sure where I ever said he wasn't allowed to get himself off. As long as it didn't interfere with us having sex, I have no issues. He can touch himself all he wants. No doubt though that he thinks I should be at all toy, or no toy. That's his only way of tracking though because he keeps an eye on how they are positioned in the drawer to see if I've moved them.

But the question was more whether toys are the same as porn. I think most in here agree that they are not and they certainly do not create a block between the two of us having sex.

Anywho, <sigh> this question has come up numerous times on this site, and the results are nearly always the same.

Those results the reason why there aren't a lot of dudes responding here.

My personal opinion is that they serve the same function. I view pornography as a mastabatory aid. I have no emotional response. It's a tool to facilitate a masturbation. Nothing more.

How is that use of pornography different from the way a toy is used?

^^^ Because those who view porn can easily become addicted to the use of it. It is a dirty little secret that has the power to destroy marriages and families

Please tell me of any case where a woman spirals out of control in her life and a sex toy leads to affairs and a secret life ?

Please tell me where a battery operated toy has the ability to call, text ,email and hunt down the user if it collects dust in a drawer ?

Please explain to me how a sex toy can threaten to contact a spouse and threaten to expose the relationship with the user ?

You can't because they are not the same..they just aren't and if you think that they are, you are part of the problem that makes porn use acceptable ...we are not living in an age of pages of Hustler or Penthouse stuck together by secretions...we are in deep shit

^^^^^

That immediate emotional response is why more dudes aren't answering this question.

The pornography I've watched can't "interact" with me. A video does not have the ability to call, text, etc.

Any interaction would make it NOT pornography and therefore in the realm of cheating.

Whoami, let it go. You are projecting your husband onto to every other male who watches porn. It’s not fair. Not every male “spirals out of control” like your WH did.

Edit to say: as sure as I am breathing right now, this is the last time I am going to get sucked into posting on yet “another porn thread”. To all the other brothers that stayed away, I salute you.

[This message edited by LostHope8008 at 10:41 PM, December 11th (Tuesday)]