SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wow, I didn’t realize this thread has become such a monster, but a lot of these “in progress” threads turn out that way.

So sorry for what you are going through. Seems like you’ve made the right moves, though. I would discuss with your wife the impact this is going to have on your kids, and see if they may need counseling. Up to this point, their mother was probably their rock (one of, a long with you). It can be very damaging to a teenager if they suddenly find out their mother was not the great person they have built up in their mind. Just something to think about.

I would definitely find out who this “are u ok?” girl is, through some means other than asking her. Could be another “Jennifer situation”.

I haven’t had time to read this entire thread. But to sum it up, it seems that your wife had an affair that lasted less than 2 weeks. They went out to eat their precious Thai food. They texted each other 400 times, including a picture of his dick. There was the “in regular clothes or naked” comment, meaning that she had at least entertained the idea that he would eventually see her naked. There was making out, with some over the clothes groping. There was the intent to be each other’s date to the party, where we could all assume the A was going to become REALLY physical. That’s what their A consisted of up to now. There’s also the lying to you. The mental gymnastics she had to perform to get to the place where this was ok. The “Jennifer” factor.

Things were really starting to ramp up quickly for them. In my single days, I had whirlwind romances like that. It’s definitely something that she probably just got caught up in and she liked the way it made her feel. It had nothing to do with you or the quality of your marriage.

Only you can decide what’s right for you. Yes, there are examples of more “severe” affairs all over this board, but this one happened to YOU. It seems like you probably know just about everything, but confirm that with a poly. My WWs A sounds similar to yours, except it was 2 months and it got sexual in the 2nd month. It’s a good thing you stopped them (hopefully), you actually have more to work with here. Just wait it out, don’t make any decisions yet, and see what she does. If she gets it and shows remorse, you might have a R candidate on your hands.

Can we not minimize this man's pain by calling his wife's affair a "blip"??

And hormones made her do it? Ridiculous. That's a slap in the face to all betrayed wives in their mid 40's. Believe it or not, but most of us know how to be faithful and not allow strange men to rub our vaginas.

And, with that, I will add that this wasn't "leading to a sexual encounter." Having your vagina rubbed while making out with a man IS a sexual encounter.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:44 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

She has now spoken to both of our daughters and they are starting to show sympathy for her.

As expected she's portraying herself as a victim.

That's partly why her apology should be specific and refer to what she did and the pain she caused (not how sorry she is).

Were there any texts where she took the initiative and/or responded sexually or encouraged him to believe that she was available to him?

Dan

Were you just summarizing the note she gave you? Was there any remorse? Did she ask for forgiveness? Did the girls show you what was in their notes?

Some of the things I recommended you tell her on page 32 were in preparation for this time when she will want to start talking about next steps. Please take a few minutes and look at those things I wrote and see what you think.

This was no BLIP. My hope that she will take your lead and truly do the work in no way minimizes what she did the last two weeks and on Friday and what she could have done if you had not intervened.

I’m hoping that she will be a WW that “gets it” and will take the time to repair what she did to your family and heal her BS. Most important she needs to take full accountability and never blame you for the pin you are feeling.

Of course if what she did remains a deal breaker for you then that is always your prerogative.

Please consider saying some of the words I wrote or something like that to her. You need to remain in control here.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:16 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

I've been following your thread and I'm so sorry you find yourself here. This thread escalated quickly and I won't add anymore "you need to" do's to your list.

Everyone's relationship is different and you know your wife/relationship far better than any of us here.

All I will add is, trust your gut. It never lies.

Good luck.

It started off on Monday the 3rd when he was training her on the new software. He were only together for about 40 minutes, but he was telling her how he had done work there last year and how some his favorite restaurants are in our town.

She says that she was surprised that he had such interest in her, asking her questions and complimenting her. She thought he was just being nice but then he came back to her station on Tuesday morning and asked her to go to one of the Thai places they had talked about.

She agreed, knowing that it was wrong and gave him her number to text her when it was time to meet. They ate lunch and he continued to compliment her in his accent and while driving back to work, he reached over and placed his hand over hers.

She said it felt exciting and nauseating all at the same time. When they arrived back they exited the car as if nothing had happened, but she knew that she had just crossed a boundary.

Now she is paining herself as a victim. The boundary was crossed not when she stepped out of his car, but when she gave him her number. It is sad to read all this crap. Dan, I hope you are smart enough to know where this all is leading to: your girls will come and ask you why you are not letting their mom back, you will start feeling guilty, will give up, she will come back, you will have sex with her a couple of times, and then you will enjoy your "happy marriage" further. It is really sad, and it is really insane that there are so many people that support this sad outcome of this story.

Believe it or not, but you reading her mails, talking to her by phone, texting – all this shows that deep down you decided to take her back to keep the status quo as much as you can. But the question is: can you truly answer yourself what are your motifs?

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 4:00 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

are you ok

Possible response:

yes but dan found out about robert and the others

I don't comment much. Most of the people here have a lot better advice than I do. I think like you there would have been no way I wouldn't have let it rip at the party.

The note to the children screams she is going to manipulate them into pushing you to allow her to come home before she has done any really hard work.

I would probably put that to rest before she spoke to the kids again. I would call her and tell her unless she really comes clean to the kids she needs to not bother doing anything on that list and she needs to get a lawyer. The last thing you need is to fight your children and be the bad guy in all this.

My xW lied to my children for years and she got away with it. I did all I could even with me having custody and they bought everything she said like it was gold. It wasn't until they seen her cheating on the OM with there own eyes that they questioned it all.

Maybe I am biased over that. Sorry.

The other thing that bothers me and others probably already raised this is how fast she gave into this guy. Even if they didn't know each other it just baffles me that she was ready to give him everything in less than a week or two.

It would also make me question of there was others. If she is willing to do this what else has she done.

Its hard to believe the person you love and trusted lied and cheated but sadly that is most of our reality now. Now you need to get all the facts you can to make the best decision for you and your children.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

I kicked my xW out 5 days before Christmas 2006 and my kids suffered while she enjoyed herself with her new man. Its amazing what they will give up.

C

Believe it or not, your 14 and 16 year old kids understand exactly what happened. She got too close to someone at work? How about “I acted reprehensibly and selfishly and may have destroyed my marriage.” How about “I did this without thinking of the short and long term consequences of you growing up in a broken family.” Or is it more like “I thought I would never be caught, and regret that this turned out the way it did.”

Megahertz is 100% right. Your kids know exactly what her inappropriate relationship at work means. My teenager knows exactly what his dad's "friendship" with another woman means, he's not blind nor dumb.

I also wonder how one can regret a divorce? Divorce is not cheating, it can be reversed. What you cannot reverse is years lost due to lack of emotional intelligence and strong will to change your life for the better.

Because it fucks with the kid's psyches just when they're in puberty?

Those who say "find out what's in the letters". DO NOT ASK YOUR GIRLS FOR THAT. (Read them while they are at school if you must read them.) I hope and pray that getting them some counseling is one of the top 2 things on YOUR to-do list. Like TOMORROW.

Your WW might be trying to get the girls to sympathize with her. So are you. The fact that you're morally right here and she's wrong is NOT the issue. This is a FACT. Children know that they are products of TWO parents. If mom's a horrible person, what does that make them? I'm pleading here, take the high road and do not involve your girls further, or ask them what Mom said, or ask them to take sides. You will reap the benefits of this in your many more years of being their dad. They will see Mom for what she is without you beating it into their heads. And they will STILL LOVE HER. Because children love their parents. Trying to kill that will come back to harm your own relationship with them.

"Are you ok?"

Exactly the same message as was sent to my WW by the OM after D-Day.

She did shed some light on his behavior at the party. She said that she had never text or called from our home. She said that she was distant because she felt like I was on to her.

She spoke with him on the drive home from work Friday and when she arrived and saw me ready to go, she went into the bathroom and had a "panic attack".

When we arrived at the party she figured that he would just avoid us. When he approached our group at the party, she was shocked and angry. She was worried that I would be able to tell that something wasn't right.

When I left to go to the "restroom" he pulled her aside and asked "what is he doing here". Thats when I was watching from across the room. She could tell that he was upset and didn't want anyone to notice them arguing.

She told him that she would talk to him about it later, but he seemed upset. She told him to leave and not come back around us. After he walked away a co-worked asked her what was going on? As I sat back down at the table, the co-worker pulled her away to "get a drink".

Sounds like he was really planning on getting laid that night. Also sounds like, with the sexy dress and all, that after a couple cocktails she would’ve gone along with it .

I mean do you really think she didn’t want you to come to the Christmas party because she was afraid you found something out? Afraid that you were on to her? Really?

Then why the new sexy dress?

Does she always buy a new sexy dress for the annual Christmas party?

the co-worker pulled her away to "get a drink".

Sounds like one person knew of the affair.

Was this the person that recently sent her a text: are you ok?

I think that she gave you pieces of what went down that evening. She is not fully there with the unvarnished truth.

Be careful, and savvy about the trickle truth strategy. It is not an all or nothing type of confessing. It is incremental.

Notice how she focuses on her panic, her attempts to hide things and how the guy pushed the airing of their relationship.

How does a guy that she painted first as being discreet about the fooling around into, second, a man who aggressively interacts with both her and with you?

There is more to this than the tears, some confession, has revealed.

Complete candor is not there yet.

[This message edited by michzz at 4:35 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

Dan... did any of the texts discuss the xmas party?

Did any texts discuss them meeting for sex?

Did any texts indicate she was unhappy with the marriage?

Did any texts discuss meeting over the prior weekend?

Did they discuss you?

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:38 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

Dan ...i strongly suggest you send/email her the thoughts in Stevesn's post on page 32.

It gives her (and you) something concrete to discuss as opposed to her wanderings.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:40 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

Her timeline leaves alot of "what ifs"

My question is:

What if I hadn't gone?

What if I hadn't come here for advise?

What if she had text him a warning?

What if I hadn't been suspicious?

What if I hadn't checked the phone records like you guys said?

What if OM had just played it cool?

What if he had kicked my ass?

What if I hadn't grabbed her phone that night?

What if he had driven her to his place for lunch?

What if she had just acted like a good wife and mother?

[This message edited by DaninOH at 5:17 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

Again, polygraph. Framed with the any more lies and she’ll never see you again. And then mean it.