SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first post. I'm a 58 year old male that is two and a half years out from his D-day. Married for about 35 years. I've been lurking on this site for about 2 months. Truly, I wish I'd had the foresight to look for this community shortly after my D-day. I'm better now than I was a year ago, but tonight I/we had a setback. I need a simple question answered. Maybe you folks can chime in without receiving a whole lot of context. I'll trickle the backstory out later, but here's the thing, if I have voiced my concerns during the reconciliation about someone I think she appears interested in, how would you react if you checked her Facebook activities and found that she had liked his post? I know that this seems pretty innocuous, but it follows a recent conversation with her about her behavior following the D-day wherein she seems to minimize the psychological fallout of her actions and appears to feel like this is much ado about nothing. Paying close attention to what she does post D-day in order to safeguard my psyche appears a chore to her. Like I said, there is a whole lot more to this backstory, but how do you respond as a betrayed spouse to the activities of a Wayward on Facebook? Thanks in advance to your feedback.

Words are cheap. Look at her actions. That’s where she really is.

Bud they don't call it fuckbook for a reason.

You may or may not be in R

If I find her searching, liking, tweeting, twisting, snapping ANYTHING related to her affair, I am a gone ass!!!

It depends a lot on context, but generally a remorseful wife would go above and beyond to show she is above board. Even if she inadvertantly crossed the line she'd back away from it quickly once you voiced concern. Much ado about nothing? If it's nothing, but bothers you, why continue?

BTW, are you in counselling? Her too? It can facilitate focus, understanding and communication.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:03 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

I think you know the answer to your own question.

It feels like her A was rugswept.

The bottom line is this...

If she is serious about reconciliation, then she will take your concerns seriously too...if she doesn’t, then she isn’t.

That’s the long and short of it, and don’t be shy about phrasing it to her exactly like that.

It’s her job to prove to you that she is worthy of your gift of reconciliation.

Merry Xmas...yeah, right.

Firstly, thanks for responding in spite of having plenty else to consider on Xmas Eve.

GoldenR, you are right. I do know the answer to my own question. I've consumed plenty of the prevailing opinions on this site over the past couple of months. But it's comforting to have my reaction affirmed, and as I've told her, what might have been much ado about nothing pre-D-day is now magnified by the discovery of her betrayal.

hatefulnow, not in counseling. Can't afford the time or money. Running a struggling business that's been Amazoned. More on that term coined by one of my customers later...if you are interested.

So, the notion that, at this stage of the game, I shouldn't have to point out each and every one of her transgressions considering how much we've talked, and the fact that she now knows how my mind is framed because of the betrayal, is the point. This, now, becomes part of the laundry list of things that I roll out when we next have a Come-To-Jesus moment.

As for telling my story, it dates back almost 40 years to her High School love. And I feel like the telling of it needs all the details to give it context for my feelings now. I fear that the telling of it would be too long for this forum and might well bore you good folks to death.

Also, there is a racial component to this, and I don't know how that will play in this forum. Is this acceptable to mention without vitriol? It does factor into the story.

Over the last 2+ years my emotions have spanned rage, despair, and disgust. I haven't yet reached indifference which is where I think that I need to be.

Lastly, I'm a man who has projected strength throughout his life as a professional and father. I have two 30+ something sons that are both professionally successful, married with their own families, own their own homes, etc. My failing, as I now understand it having spent a whole lot of time inside my own head since D-day (May 14, 2016), is falling under the spell of 'the girl in the blue dress.'

If you express concern to her about a guy and she then “likes” a Facebook post if his, that is just blatant disrespect to you.

It doesn’t matter if there is or was an Affair between them, your sife has chosen to put your feelings and concerns aside and be selfish.

She may view her behavior as harmless. After all to “like” a post on Facebook is really just an acknowledgement. However there is a matter of respect in a marriage and she just doesn’t get it.

My H had a 4 year EA while in grad school. He was not in love with the OW but she was in love w/ him. I voiced my concerns but my H ignored me. In his mind no sex = no Affair.

He never factored in the total disregard he showed me by continuing to be friends with this girl. Total disrespect.

Same as yiur wife. It is not an innocent “like” and she is selfish and stupid if she believes otherwise.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:55 AM, December 25th (Tuesday)]

1stwife, thank you, you echo my sentiments. I've got far too much on my plate to have to worry about policing her. And, you correctly observe that liking his post is not so damn 'innocent.'

I asked my WH your question. He immediately said not acceptable because he and his AP liked each other posts when they were on “affair break”. It was a way to tell each other they were still paying attention. It was feeding a connection. Also watch out for them communicating through a mutual friend’s post or create posts that are secret messages for one another.

Before DDay, I thought I couldn’t and don’t want to police him, so I didn’t look. That was a mistake. Now, I know I cannot completely police him and still have my own life. So I asked him to get off of all social media. There is something that another poster taught me but I have yet to do, that is to change the password of the APP store so that she would have to ask you to add a new APP.

Good luck to you. My issues had a racial element too. As long as you are respectful, I think it is okay to post.

As for telling my story, it dates back almost 40 years to her High School love. And I feel like the telling of it needs all the details to give it context for my feelings now. I fear that the telling of it would be too long for this forum and might well bore you good folks to death.

Also, there is a racial component to this, and I don't know how that will play in this forum. Is this acceptable to mention without vitriol? It does factor into the story.

Your story is YOUR STORY. Whether your story is bad or good is a matter of opinion. Regardless, it's still your story to tell. We all know that the world isn't black and white. It's a myriad of colors that are made up by our life experiences.

It's hard to help without context.

One of my conditions to R is; No male friends who aren’t couple friends. So, if it my WW were to do something like that, it would violate R and I’d be done.

Everything changed when I came to the realization that my core need was to be loved and respected. I had a conversation with my wife that went something like this...

"I've come to realize that while I've asked some very specific things of you that can look like 'rules', what I really want is to be loved and respected. Everything that I've asked of you stems from that. Every time that you ask me for how I'd like you to react in a situation, the answer is actually rooted in those core needs.

Going forward, I don't need to make 'rules' or detail out how specific situations should be handled. I simply want to feel loved and respected. You can take those core needs and apply them anywhere."

She knew what I needed and she had the choice of whether to honor that or not. It was very freeing for me. I didn't have to police her every move. I didn't have to deal with 'loopholes' where I hadn't specifically made a rule for a situation I hadn't anticipated. It made things very clear -- my own boundaries and needs were communicated and I knew what I wouldn't accept.

With that backstory, let me answer your question...

I have voiced my concerns during the reconciliation about someone I think she appears interested in, how would you react if you checked her Facebook activities and found that she had liked his post?

This would indicate that she was being disrespectful and unloving. She was directing her attention and interest outside the marriage at someone else -- that's disrespectful and unloving. You had a conversation about it, but she then ignored it and took things a step further, which is even more disrespecting and unloving.

Through her actions, she is showing you that she doesn't care about anyone other than herself. That self-centeredness was a core component of how she was able to betray you before and she hasn't addressed it. She remains an unsafe partner. And continuing to accept it will slowly drain the life out of you because your core needs are being neglected and even attacked.

It isn't an innocuous thing at all. It has everything to do with how broken she is and how uncommitted to the marriage and to you she is.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 10:46 AM, December 25th (Tuesday)]

Crushed7, you really have squarely smashed the nail on its head. It most certainly does come down to that as the crux of the matter. The notion of being loved and respected is at the core of the betrayal and her subsequent failure to make it up to me through genuine and authentic expressions of appalled remorse for what she has done to my psyche.

This has been the recurring theme in our discussions / chats. I have wondered out loud to her my question of whether her behavior is born of daft ignorance, or defiance at the notion of deference to and regard for her husband.

I'd very much like to submit the entire backstory for you folks to peruse through. It will take time as the story reaches back 40 years. I'm thinking that today is not the day for that, but maybe this coming Saturday morning.

Did she like his post on HER facebook account or did she like his post while visiting HIS page.

If liking a post is not justified in any case if she truly wants to R. But if she is visiting his page then it's even more significant.

Regardless, she should have unfriended him immediately and should not have had a problem doing it if she really had respect for you and your feelings.

From my journal this morning:

So the Monday after the Saturday that we spent talking for 2 hours which included discussion of this piece of shit, you like his post on FB? Does it not occur to you that liking his post, considering what we've discussed about your behavior toward and with him, is not harmless. You know damn well that people pay attention to who likes what they post. You also know that he will see that you liked his post. Ergo, you are looking for his attention in spite of what I've brought up about your soliciting it. But, you don't care about my concerns and what I think. The only thing you care about is your own selfish self indulgence. And this for a fucking loser, twice failed at marriage, and who thinks only of himself. And this in light of you bum wrapping me and calling me out for being insensitive to you. In fact, it's interesting that it seems like every guy's attention you solicit is a selfish piece of shit. The exact things that you have gigged me on are what you seek out in other men. And what about liking this post did you think was OK given my having told you that he is no longer welcome in my home? Just another blatant example of your disrespect for me. What the fuck is wrong with you?

When I hear you wondering out loud about the prospects of ever being able to move forward, and whether or not your effort will ever amount to anything worthwhile, what I hear you saying is that you don't feel your effort is worth being married to me. Why, then, should I initiate any work on my part if you feel this way? What incentive are you giving me to be reasonable and rational with you?

I should also point out, that this has gone on as long as it has because of you. It has taken you more than a year, since the day I pulled back, to come ask me to talk about us. It's not as if I pulled back for a month or two and you responded because I’d changed and stopped groveling. You have allowed this atmosphere to persist for well over a year before deciding that I’d made a committed change that was not in your best interest. It’s almost as if you were trying to wait me out in spite of the fault being yours.

Another example of your selfish, self-absorbed approach to this, is the fixation you have on how you, too, are an injured party. Given what you are putting me through, and have put me through, you do not have any high ground to stand on. You can tell me what you were going through, but to place it ahead of my pain is unconscionable. In fact, I even wonder if you have a conscience. My sense is that your discomfort comes from what this does to you as opposed to what it has done to me. There is nothing about your behavior that speaks to wanting my personal recovery for my sake. I’m on my own with that. You can try to claim that you, too, are an injured party, but it is as nothing as compared to the despair that I have endured for 2 and a half years.

You've accused me of trying to punish you throughout this. Frankly, you are really damn fortunate when you consider who you are with as compared to the many others who've experienced similar circumstances to mine. I have read multiple testimonials by betrayed spouses that, in the aftermath of the betrayal when they are in their own head, and the mind movies kick in, that their mood has nosedived and plummeted and they will, without warning, lash out at their spouse. I haven't done that to you. For the most part, I have been very reasoned and rational in my approach. That I said things and acted in such a way that emotionally hurt you, shortly after the May 14th debacle, is little to nothing as compared to what some betrayers have experienced from their hurt spouses. Keep in mind, that those times where I lost my shit with you were immediately following instances where you disrespected me, and this against the backdrop of the May 14th debacle. What can be said is that in those instances where I hurt you emotionally, I acted completely out of character. And that makes you a very lucky girl because, in fact, it was out of character for me. It makes you a very lucky girl because being that those words said and actions that emotionally hurt you were out of character, it means you have a reliable man when he is in character which is most of the time. It means that, by my nature, I’m not vindictive. You ought to show me some fucking gratitude for that.

At no point should I have subordinated my dignity and my pride in order to be your husband. The problem isn't that you look like your mother, the real problem is that you are exactly like your mother. You are a quitter and a vindictive coward, and all the things that you bemoan about your mother, her lack of effort, her disinterest, her unwillingness to do for herself, these are all things that you yourself do.

Did you tell her this out loud or let her read your journal or was this just meant for you and this forum? I think this is incredibly powerful and she needs to hear it but I also think you should be prepared for it to have no real effect. From reading this journal entry it seems likely that this will just prompt her to call out on her own pain, perhaps how she can't have friends and how you are policing her. I think what you have written is that you could have easily added "And so I am filing for divorce and leaving this unacceptable state of living" and it would have been totally justified. I'm worried that you have a dynamic where you say things like this a lot, she complains back, lather, rinse, repeat. Does this ever change anything? Do you want to keep living like this?

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:04 PM, February 8th (Friday)]