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He knows he threw away his life for what she was handing out. Now the excitement is gone. He faces his bad actions and tries to minimise it in his mind and make lame excuses.

He would have done the same for any other person who offered him the same. It wasn't love he wanted, therefore he wasn't the one for you. You want something genuine, not made up words that sound good but he doesn't really feel from the heart. I bet they are doing some weird stuff together or else she got to his ego. It won't last. Each will use the other for selfish ends. We have a cherished idea about who our WS were. They were not. They acted against our love and trust. They chose lies and didn't care how much pain they caused. Oh she will get over it and be fine. I've got to chase strange......it's more important.

That's self destruction. Nothing you can do.

I'm happy you aren't going through this multiple times with him. It's far better to start again than to suffer over and over always hoping things will be better.

It's not what i wanted either but let's be grateful we are loved by our family and have health and good sense. It won't hurt forever. Go buy a toy for a toy drive and know you're helping a parent show some joy to a child. Love is everywhere when you seek it.

BB, I'm 2.5 months since D-Day, married a little less than a year and a half. I must commend you, I hope in a year I'll be where you are!

Someone commented on my post and mentioned our stories are similar. I finally got around to it and read through a few pages of this thread, and yes... yes they are (sadly). https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=643002&AP=1

My WW fell in love with a coworker who was always friendly, and within 72 hours of confessing everything to me, she went from being apologetic and ready to quit her job/stop contact to separating and essentially going out in the open with the AP.

She blame shifted, she was full of resentment, she was flippant sometimes, she flat out lied to me during the affair and obviously about her intentions once separated. She pretended after she confessed everything that this had absolutely nothing to do with him, yet it's now February and a mutual friend said she's already asked her to meet AP and see how great he is. Bullshit!

Your comment about your WH being on drugs, my Father In Law, who I plan to tell the truth to at some point, said that to me the week we separated. He had a conversation with her on her lunch break and said she sounded off, she too talked about following her heart. My WW also would tell me that we need to divorce for our happiness and that she still loves and cares about me. After about 6 weeks of sulking, I see this for what it really is - meaningless words that make her feel better about her decisions to leave me for AP and chase her own happiness.

I thought in 2020 we'd be more serious about kids (of course, happy we don't have any and only need to worry about selling the marital home), but then we had "the talk" and she told me she wasn't in love with me. Again, similar to your spouse, my WW acts like she just wants to live on her own and get an apartment for herself, but of course this still has nothing to do with the coworker she is in love with.

One question for you: Does your STBXH's family know? His friends? Did you expose? As I'm healing, I really don't want her parents to think I walked away and it eats me up inside if they think this was a mutual thing or that we just had communication/personal issues. She had an affair!

[This message edited by throwmeawaynow98 at 8:45 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Sorry you're here BB8,

Your story is heartbreraking and I hope you are eating and sleeping properly.

Your WH is going to be in for a shock when you finally wake up to what a POS he is and kick him to the curb. His infatuation with the woman 10 years older will land him in a very tough situation when it finally wears off and he realizes what he threw away.

Having no kids with this man is a great thing for you. Please get tested for STD's and know you are the prize in this situation.

he just made a pass at me!!! Jesus!! I am a walking LIFETIME MOVIE!!!

Steer clear of this guy, he may be trying to get proof of YOUR infidelity so his buddy can blame you for everything.

What a POS regardless!!

@throwmeawaynow98

The biggest piece of advice (which by the way feels weird and surreal to be in a position to give advice), is to do the work. I’m referring to having tunnel vision (as much as possible) on self an healing. I desperately wanted to feel better and not so broken so doing things/trying new things to aid in my healing almost became a hobby.

I’m so sorry you are going through such a similar story. I remember exactly how I felt only 2.5/3 months from my D-day, so my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are basically describing my X – blame shifting, resentment, lying, etc.

I made sure that my STBXH’s family knew! Since my D-Day was in November and we typically held Thanksgiving at our house with both families, I basically was forced to. He of course told his mom we were having “problems” but I then followed up to tell her EVERYTHING. She then of course told his grandmother and grandfather…then uncles...etc. Til this day, only his mother and grandmother know the TRUE story. His uncles and other relatives basically swept it under the rug because he kept telling people he was unhappy and totally downplayed/pretended like the OW had no involvement whatsoever. It still stings a little that I was with him so long and his family basically shoulder shrugged it off and faded into the bushes like that Homer Simpson meme.

Because he is a liar, I doubt his friends know the truth (spinning the same he was unhappy story because people can’t argue with that…everyone deserves to be “happy” (gag). Only one of his friends (who I refer to as the Snake in my posts) knew all the dirt. If there is no chance whatsoever of you and your wife getting back together, I would expose her, but that’s just me. Even if you didn’t want to get into specifics or details, saying she had an affair speaks volumes. Stay strong!

@DBFool2019

Definitely sleeping a lot better these days since technically I am a little over a year out from Day. There’s a part of me that fears he will never wake up to what he is done and will ride the “I was unhappy” excuse as the reason why his first marriage dissolved to the end of his days. I was excruciatingly upset over the fact that we didn’t have kids (especially as a woman), but I literally thank God I didn’t! I want to start a family with “my person”, and sadly he isn’t it. The good news is I haven’t heard from the snake this year. Guess he finally threw in the towel.

***UPDATE****

Guess who is still married???? ME!!! Ugh I’m so annoyed!! We both signed the paperwork about a month ago now and had been waiting on an official date. I just found out that apparently his attorney wants him present in court, so they’ve been trying to get his availability to confirm a date. Guess who has been unresponsive and is holding up the process?? THE POS!! I mean his attorneys literally said their client is holding this up. I don’t get it!! It’s such a simple thing to do and he doesn’t even have the decency or follow through to just get it over with.

Why is this so low priority?? Letting me move on completely is the LEAST he could do. I reached out to his mom once I heard that news to see if he said anything to her about the divorce. She said she actually asked him about it last week and he said “it’s not finalized”. She then asks him well what’s the hold up and he said “I don’t know my attorney is looking into it” in a very short/I don’t want to talk about it tone – changed subjects. Seriously?? Why would he be dragging his feet this way?? Hasn’t he punished me enough… It’s not like he has tried to reach out to me..WTF

I don’t get it. So sorry for you.

Guess who has been unresponsive and is holding up the process?? THE POS!! I mean his attorneys literally said their client is holding this up.

Well I'm officially pissed off for you. It's like he wants to move on but doesn't want to allow you to move on.

My guess is that the grass isn’t greener with the OW and he is considering drawing you back in as Plan B. You know that he is not worthy.

You know him best, Brokenbride (although you really don't!!). What are your thoughts on this? If he wants to come back now, what are you going to say?

My thoughts; I think I would have a hard time taking him back at this point, after all that he's put you through? Now he does this?

I almost want to feel that he wants to drag you down further than he's already done. Or, he's not ready to take the next step, marriage and fully commit to this OW. And as long as he's married, he can't marry her!! What a freaking joke!

I think he's using this situation to not have to fully commit to her but he's STILL dragging you down. Shows he doesn't have a heart for anyone but himself.

Your WH has shown his colors over and over again, believe him! Don't allow this to continue.

...or he can't bring himself to face you in court because he's a coward!! Lots of theories here.

I guess reality is now kicking in!!

Maybe he does want you back! Is realizing what he lost!

Most importantly though, get to know yourself! And figure out how you missed the red flags in your marriage.

I'm an advocate of getting to know my past. I've learned so much about who I am and the choices I've made by lots of reflecting. Just an idea.

I have great hope for you, Brokenbride.

I officially have a date!! It’s finally happening!! I guess after my attorney talked to his, pressure was applied.

Apparently although you don’t have to be present, his attorneys wanted him to be. March 6th is the first day he is available. That happens to be the very day I leave for a work trip that I was hand picked to attend (which I’m super excited about as it could be huge for my career!). I’m a little bummed that I can’t be there. Of course I fantasized about stepping into court looking fabulous....inspiring regret. But, after all this time, it’s not worth pushing the date back. I just want to be free. One of my good friends said this is God’s way of saying I have better places to be. Could it be that my STBXH found out about my trip and purposely picked that day because he knew I wouldn’t be present? Or is it truly just divine intervention? Who knows at this point.

I also caught up with a mutual friend (wife of one of his close friends). Of course it came up, and sad to say my STBXH is sticking to his narrative around how he wanted to settle down and have kids after our first big vacation...how he didn’t get to really live his 20s...how we never really argued....etc. All as though these are justifiable reasons to not only betray me, leave me and our marriage. It bothers me so much that he knows how to tell a story using those “reasons” in a way where ppl actually believe and feel sorry for him.

There’s a part of me that feels as though he will never look back at what he has done/his reasons and feel regret or that he made the wrong decision. He will just go on until the day he dies, repeating the justifications.

On another note, I went on my first date of the new decade. Not looking for anything serious, but it was nice to feel wanted and actually have someone interested in me. He was great at holding a conversation (an intelligent one at that) and we talk a couple of times a week now. Nothing lovey dovey or sexual at this point. Just good old fashion companionship. It’s been challenging sometimes to actually fully articulate my likes/hobbies/desires/dreams/dislikes as I still am in the self discovery process outside of my marriage. Good practice nonetheless...

The healing continues

Very nice update, brokenbride.

Very nice update, brokenbride.

While it would have been nice to be there it’s critical that the hearing is done. So glad he finally caved and it s going to be done.

Glad you have dipped back into the dating pool. Opening yourself up to others is brave after the trauma of infidelity..

Here’s my take on his reality. Does he REALLY think people don’t see past his “reasons”?

In my 20s when I would meet guys who complained about their marriage or their wife my first thought was “I wonder what the real story is”.

But one day you will look back and no longer care about him or his fantasy lies or whatever he chooses to use as a pathetic excuse to cheat.

Just know that he most likely will continue he this pattern - especially since he refuses to accept any responsibility or have any remorse.

He’s a child trapped in an adult body.

Hey wondering how your doing Brokenbride.

Hey my SI fam!

It’s been a while…I’ve just been over here trying to “do life” and figure it all out.

FOR THE GOOD….

I AM OFFICIALLY DIVORCED!!! As planned, the divorce happened while I was on a plane for a work trip. As soon as I landed and turned my phone off airplane mode, the first text I see was from my attorney congratulating me on being a free woman. It felt surreal. I was excited, sad, and a whole mix of emotions. Mostly relieved. The irony? My work trip was in the same place I decided to spend my bachelorette. Not sure if God has a sense of humor or if it was just a crazy coincidence. I wondered how he felt when he didn’t see me show up at court. My attorney said I couldn’t be there because I was “traveling” which made me laugh. If you’ve read my backstory, you know my XWH complained about how I like to travel “too much” as one of his “reasons” for falling out of love with me. He probably scoffed and rolled his eyes…or maybe he/his friends stalked me enough to know I was going out of town anyway so he knew what to expect. Who knows.

I still have my job (thank God)! I’ve been feeling incredibly grateful to be in the position I’m in right now – still at home with my parents, still employed and paying off debt. I am now in a position where I can move today if I wanted to due to my commitment to myself last year to save (plus the first half of the year I was extremely depressed so I wasn’t spending money anyway). I’ve been able to help out around the house, cook them dinner and not be alone. Even though I’m nowhere near where I was this time last year, I think quarantining alone would set me back BIG TIME. Granted it sucks to not be able to actually go out and meeting people/date, I’ve been trying to shift my perspective to focus on my finances and continuing the healing process.

That guy I went on my first date with? Well we ended hanging out 2 more times before COVID and quarantine life kicked in. It’s been different/fun/spontaneous. Not expecting this to turn into anything. Plus, I don’t think he is looking for a serious relationship right now (thank God). We haven’t even talked in depth yet about my past traumas/divorce or his past/traumas which at this point I’m fine with. I think getting “deep” would be too much for me right now. It’s been interesting trying to manage my emotions. I’m still working through the difference between what my standards are vs. the expectations I maybe be prematurely projecting on the men that I interact with. UGH.

I’ve been focusing on working out more frequently and enhancing my look. When I look good, I feel good and it does some amazing things for my confidence. Told myself at least when I get out of quarantine, I’ll look damn good.

THE BAD…

For the past month, I’ve had nightmares about my XWH at least 2x a week! HEEEEEEELLLPP!! I have no clue WTF is with this resurgence of thoughts!!! Dreams about me randomly seeing him out in public and screaming “Fuck you and OW’s name!!” and similar themes of me telling him off or rippin a new one. Perhaps it’s because I never actually did it in real life. I just bottled it up (mainly due to hopium in retrospect thinking maybe just maybe things would change). People who know me still comment on how graceful I was and how he deserved everything bad. Thoughts of them likely quarantining together and if not, probably breaking quarantine to see each other anyway invade my mind sometimes. I see jokes on social media about how there will be a baby boom after this, so naturally the thought of the OW getting pregnant during this time crossed my mind. This led me to looking up her Pinterest board (she is a heavy Pinterester) to see if maybe she created a Baby Shower board (didn’t find one). I felt myself going down an obsessive path so I quickly pulled myself together. I may or may not have shed a few tears that night. I’ve admittedly had 1-2 “omg I can’t believe he would do this to me and never look back” thoughts. Couldn’t help but also think about how now would have been the perfect time to get pregnant (in terms of being alone, solely focused on each other, etc.). I think I may start therapy again (virtually of course).

Also, a coworker I had not spoken to in a while (nor was ever that close to) joined a video chat call. What were the odds that she would ask me, in front of other people, how my family and “husband” was doing with the quarantine. I think I died 1,000 times. It’s not her fault, there’s no way she would have known. At least I know the coworkers I’m closer to that do know, didn’t go blabbing my business. Needless to say I sent her an email on the side letting her know the update afterwards and she was very apologetic.

I tried sitting in the social security office 2x (1 first I was missing a doc / 2 the wait was too long & it was like a petri dish in there) just before the shutdown. It was a fail, so I’m still stuck with my married name. I finally realized that I could mail in my documents to get a new card (duh) so took care of that finally. Also finally notified HR of my company so they can send something in writing to help me officially change my beneficiaries for my 401K.

Overall, I’m just doing life. I’m now 1 year and 5 months from DDay. I just pray that another year and 5 months from now he will officially become a blip on the radar.