SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted here a few times several years ago. Here's a brief overview and update.

My wife started meeting men off Ashley Madison a year after our child was born. I was oblivious but felt like she hated me. 3 years later she was in a horrific car accident and couldn't move. She saw me for the first time and promised she would be a better wife and mother. I took FMLA and never left her side until she made a full recovery. While she was in rehab I stumbled upon what she had been doing. She begged me to stay and I told her I would. However I kept getting what I now know as gaslighting. Everything I found I had to discover it and confront her about it and I felt like I only got half truths. However, the closeness we had seemed to be back. But when she went back to work she started drifting from me.

3 years later she is in the hospital for a routine procedure that goes wrong. She dies on the operating table but is brought back to life. After waking from her medically induced coma she again wakes up and promises she'll be a better wife and mother. While in her coma I find out that she has been talking with one of the men from the past. I decided to give it another shot. Again im there by her side, while working remotely the entire time. However, this time it doesn't take her long to start drifting from me. She started saying she was anxious and had to be alone for a night away from home. This became one night every weekend. Then it became spending the entire weekend alone about 3 times. During summer she said she wasn't happy and that our relationship wasn't right.

A few months later she kicked me out of the house. She told me she felt like she couldnt breathe when she was around me and that it was almost all her problem with being crazy but she needed some space until the end of the year. She said she knew we'd be back together. I gave her this time. She promised me she would get professional help this time. She unfollowed me on facebook and i've heard strong rumors that she is with another man. Im afraid we're headed for a divorce.

So you guys were right. I should have left or at least threatened to leave the first time. I should have left the second time. Now im Several years into her affair and she's choosing that over our family. She has always had excuses for her whereabouts and has always tried to shift the blame on me. I'll get nothing out of the divorce. We own nothing on our own. Her parents own the home. And I feel like its been rigged against me.

I feel like a failure. I feel used. I feel sad. I feel anger. But looking back, there's nothing I could have done to prevent it. Taking care of her apparently means nothing. She's a spoiled princess, shelfish, narcissist.

[This message edited by Jorge123 at 11:28 AM, January 8th (Tuesday)]

Jorge - so sorry to hear this.

Cheaters are selfish. Doesn't reflect on you. You are not a failure...

Tell her she isn't worth the pain, and walk away.

You've given her more chances than she deserves, and frankly, now your misery is on you from now on. You know better, quit making the same mistake. Break the pattern. Change your life.

But looking back, there's nothing I could have done to prevent it.

Where there's a will, there's a way. You can't make someone not cheat on you if that's what they want and who they are, unfortunately. And trying to be a better spouse (aka doing the pick me dance) never works.

You registered in 2014, so I'm assuming you know the drill:

-stay hydrated, eat what you can, drink protein shakes if you start to lose too much weight.

-go to your doctor and get tested for STDs, maybe ask about antidepressants if you're having trouble functioning.

-get yourself into counseling.

-meet with a lawyer or three to find out yohr rights.

Sorry you're back here again.

Tell her she isn't worth the pain, and walk away.

I second this ^^^^

Im afraid of hurting our child. And im afraid of starting over. I hate the fact that she will get off in better shape financially because of her parents, while I am looking for a dump to live in.

But after it all settles, I suppose I will be in better shape.

It will be ok. You are going to find a way to have a good life. Never regret the good you have done or that you believed a pledge you thought was sincere. You can find good people to be around. They will help you find a good place to be.

Dont feel defeated or foolish for trusting.

Its hard to build a new life, but its reward is worth the effort. You have so much to give. Even if you dont have an ideal situation now, thats just temporary. goodness always shines out and finds other good people.

You have given her multiple times to be a good person and do the right thing by you and your marriage. She has repeatedly chosen to disregard your love, your care and your gift of R.

You can't fix her because you didn't break her.

She has to want to fix herself. And clearly she does not. And for that, I am so very sorry for you.

I am all for forgiveness and second chances IF they are warranted. If the WS is remorseful and doing all they can to own, acknowledge and fix what they have broken.

Why did you leave? You shouldn't have to leave because she chose to cheat. Let her go stay with her parents.

How old is your child? (((gently))) Your child is being hurt by being subject to their mother's continuous lying and cheating. She is not being a good role model/mother.

Sorry you are here. You can get through this and you can find someone that values truth and honesty.

(((good luck)))

The child is 10. We got used to her being gone every weekend and he actually liked it better.

I agree that she should have moved in with her parents, but the house is in her parents name, so I don't really get a say so in it apparently.

Jorge, I wanna give you a great big hug ((( ))).

YOU WILL BE OKAY. You will survive. You will get through this. I know it feels like you just wanna crawl in a hole and stay there till it's all over, but you will make it through.

In 2011, I found out my STBX had two As--Despite me saving his life multiple times and being there for him through multiple health problems and hospital stays. ( We actually met when we were both in the hospital together). In August, I found out was in a 6 month PA. I made the decision to divorce.

Now that I've been on SI for 6 years now, I've seen WSs that have cheated on pregnant spouses, spouses with cancer, spouses who are dying, spouses who were fighting in a war, etc. I know it's damaging to think that we weren't ever enough to hold their love, but at the end of the day, we have to accept that there are people in the human race that only know how to put their own wishes before others...sometimes even before their own children.

Please don't wait another second to get rid of this proven cheater and liar. You really don't have a M, your WW is gone and has been gone and taken you for a ride. You have nothing to save, just file for D without warning and expose her As to the world, tell your kid in a sanitized way like "mommy has a boyfriend".

You living in fear of this or that will keep you bound up in this.

She put you in the victims chair but you are the only one that can keep yourself there.

Stop letting HER control the situation.

You don’t want to leave - don’t. If the house is not in her name she cannot force you to leave your child or your residence.

Fight for custody.

Get an attorney and fight for what you want.

I feel like a failure.

Well, yeah, but we don't always succeed. We learn more by failing than by succeeding. I'm really sorry you didn't build the M you wanted, but your W made that fail; you didn't.

I feel used.

Yup. She used you.

I feel sad. I feel anger.

Stay in touch with your feelings. That get's them out of your body.

But looking back, there's nothing I could have done to prevent it.

Yes, yes, yes!

Your post can be the start of your healing process if you stay in touch with your feelings and with the knowledge that you did your best and that you cannot control anyone but yourself.

I'm really sorry you'll take a financial hit, but at least you'll be away from this woman who sucked life out of you. Also - and this is very important - you've got a good relationship with your son. That's priceless.

Find a good lawyer. Do the best you can and be satisfied. You may find you have all sorts of unexpected energy when you're rid of her.

I'm really sorry you have gone through these years of betrayal. I know your pain is immense. It's just that I read in your post the seeds of a great recovery.

Removed.

[This message edited by Jorge123 at 12:30 AM, January 14th (Monday)]

Jorge123, You're a nice guy. Unfortunately there are women out there that have absolutely no respect for nice guys. They will continue to shit on them as long as the guy allows it. Your wife is a classic example of one these types of women. Continue to stand up to her and continue moving away from infidelity.

You are never going to "nice" your way back into her heart...never! You've repeatedly tried that and what did it get you?

So sorry for what you are going through.

One word: EXPOSE.

And then walk away.

Please stop with the woulda coulda's. They achieve nothing.

Right now you need to buckle down and be in emergency mode.

1. See an attorney ASAP.

2. Draw up a parenting plan, and demand equal time. Just because her parents own the house, doesn't mean you have to leave. It takes a divorce decree to make that happen.

3. Since she is obviously somewhat narcissistic in her actions, I strongly recommend that you keep a VAR on you at all times, or the next thing you know she will be accusing you of DV.

Protect yourself. Make yourself and your child your number one priority.

((((And Strength)))

I would go see a few lawyers, before you start assuming about what you may or may not have.

Have you documented every time your wife has left the family. Lawyer needs to do that, too. Gather your paperwork.

The silver lining in your situation, at least, is that you only have one kid and the your wife works full time.

My husband is the one who brought this on, as a recovering sex addict. He's a part time SAHD. Which means I get to pay alimony. Child support for 4 kids is 30% or so of my paycheck. I'm looking on handing over half of my paycheck to my husband if we divorce.

Half.

I'm actually leaning towards staying married on paper and just asking to leave separate lives once we don't need so much hands on with the kids. I think it will be far less costly...

And I've worked too hard (two jobs, actually for going on 20 years..and I can't stop until I retire), to hand over half of everything I've earned, whether it's my paycheck or my pension or our savings accounts..

Not even the allure of a new relationship (that I'm not interested in, anyway) is worth my financial security and happiness derived from that. No relationship is worth me trying to survive on half a pension, and half of SS, when I retire.

But, in your case, I would use the time to better your financial situation. One can always save something. And it does add up over time.

[This message edited by secondtime at 8:16 AM, January 14th (Monday)]