SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have always been described, by most people who know me, as a strong willed, loving and a loyal person. In my mind, I would NEVER have an A. I viewed it as wrong and for the weak. We had a good M; but we both became complacent with each other with the “married-singles” lifestyle we were living. However, at the end of the day, we were together, under the same roof and still in love. Then it happened…in one moment I became weak; and in that moment, I changed everything I thought about myself, my husband and our M. I tossed our most sacred wedding vows in the garbage. I had an A (I still can’t believe these words come out of my mouth), after 22 years of living those promises, (30 years total of being with my H) and 3 children, I fucked up. I told multiple lies…I was cruel…. I became unrecognizable to my family and to even my co-workers. I fell for an asshole who promised me the world…his charm was pretty hypnotizing. He put me on a pedestal and boosted my self-esteem. I was so deep in his spell, I couldn’t see straight. Why couldn’t I realize then, what I was doing was wrong and immoral? Why wasn’t I more resilient to stay committed to my M and my H & family? Even now, why can’t I forgive myself for what I have done? I see now that I should have been stronger to talk with my H about our M. We could have fixed us together…I didn’t need to stray. We have been in active R for just about 10 months. We just passed DDay1 and I feel it’s going well, but I cannot seem to forgive myself. I get anxious when I think about my actions, then I get angry and truly feel it isn’t real- I could NOT have done something so horrendous. I see the pain in my H's face, when he has a thought about what I did...that really kills me. I don't want him to hurt like that ever again.

I think one of the most difficult parts of being a WS is having to take that look in the mirror and see ourselves for who we really are. It is terrifying and necessary. In order to work on ourselves, fix the brokenness so to speak, we first have to admit the flaws in character, integrity, and morality. There is no easy way to do this, other than plowing through. Admitting that you are not strong-willed, loving and loyal is that first step that must be taken.

This is a concept I have really struggled with, but it is getting me through and I will share it with you.

You are human. We are allowed to make mistakes.

Curious to what work you're doing? You seem to be pretty remorseful in your actions. Are you going to IC? MC?

I unfortunately had multiple EA throughout my marriage. I would point to this and that for my behavior ("It was the stress." "I didn't feel loved or appreciated." "They made me feel special.")

It took for a complete meltdown...or spiritual awakening, for me to realize it was me who had the problem. It's SO EASY to look back on it now and realize I was the cause of my misery. Not my surroundings. It was ME, my thought process, ego, pride, and attitude.

Thankfully people on this forum have steered me in a direction with blunt advice and the opportunity to be vulnerable.

How do you begin to heal? IMO, first dig deep into the root causes of your choice. Why were you willing to let go of your morals and integrity for this man? What was so important about him that was worth breaking your vows? I truly believe most of us who are remorseful for the hurt caused (and not just because they got caught) have something deeply rooted inside us that's flawed and needs addressed.

Secondly, and this is just as important, forgive yourself. You are human. It sounds like you're willing to put in the work to grow from this as an individual and as a spouse as well. You made a choice for yourself, even though it was a bad one. That's the great thing about being people, we're not the first ones to mess up and we won't be the last.

I'll pass along some books that have been BIG helps for me:

1) "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

2) "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud

3) "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown

A quote from "The Gifts of Imperfection" that has really helped put my marriage and self healing in to perspective: "We can only love others as much as we love ourselves." IMO, your forgiveness of yourself and your choice is going to be just as big of a piece in healing as being there and catering to your BH's needs and wishes as he heals himself and the marriage.

They may also help you break the complacency of your marriage. I know if I would have had these tools/books in my hands I would have been a completely different individual and perhaps saved my self along with my marriage.

Best of luck to you on your journey, healing, and growth. Rooting for you!

I removed the Stop Sign for you. BS's can now post within the guidelines of this forum.

You sound just like my WW, get IC ASAP if you haven't already. We swept it under the rug the first time, so it happened twice in 4 years. Dont let that happen to you or your BS.

Being angry at or disappointed in one's self is a sort of prison. You should get IC. Part of your healing could be based around the project of figuring out your "why's" and fixing what is broken in your moral compass so that you become a safe spouse. With a goal in mind, perhaps you can take your mind off of the worry of wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.

Barregirl, Thank you for your response. I am having a difficult time classifying myself as a cheater...I know that's what I did, but I do not feel that's what I am.

ElZorro, Thank you for the book suggestions. I will definitely be getting them. I have found that I really hate to read, but because I am interested in helping my H heal, (& work to forgive myself), I am reading everything! Thanks!!

wifehad5- Thank you!!

KOBA & Butforthegrace- I am in IC. I am desperately trying to find out my "whys" as I do NOT want this to happen again.

I know that's what I did, but I do not feel that's what I am.

Each of us is nothing more than the sum of his choices. You chose to cheat. So you are a cheater. But "cheater" is not the only thing you are. You are also a mother. And a wife. You are a lot of things. Cheater is one of those things. It will always be one of those things, and as an element of your whole, it will always distinguish you from people who have not cheated. But it doesn't make you a "bad person". You are a "bad person" or a "good person" based on the agglomerated whole of you.

You don't need to forgive yourself. I know that's a difficult statement to accept, but you don't. I don't and never will forgive myself for bad I did in my youth. It was bad, I was bad, I accept it and realize it's who I was.

What's far more important is being the best person you can be today, right now, and tomorrow.. And the day after that. The past is the past, you cannot change it and ruminating on all the bad you (or I) did will not help your husband or marriage in the least. What you can do is, right now, do something good for him or your marriage. Fix the lies, apologize, be a better wife, be present in the marriage, be a better mother.. We ALL have the capacity to be better, and we can all look back on certain periods in our life and be ashamed of what we did. Strive to be better, not sit in the shame of what you did.

Don't let your husband's pain "kill you". When you see it, react. Do something that will make him smile. Tell a joke, ask him how his day is going or if he wants to talk, write to him, have sex with him, take him fishing.. It's so easy to look at someone and think "I made them mad" and then sit back and wait for them to "get over it". It's much harder to look and think "I made them mad" followed by "but here's how I'm going to try to fix it".

BFG put it well:

Being angry at or disappointed in one's self is a sort of prison.

Your husband (at least if he's like me) doesn't want you in that prison. He wants you to be present in the marriage and help him heal. And watching my wife beat herself up does nothing at all to help me heal. 0. If it's not helping you heal, try to stop doing it and focus on healing your H and your M. Not to the exclusion of healing yourself, but, I'd argue that even healing yourself doesn't start with being angry at yourself, it starts with an honest discussion as to why you did what you did coupled with how you'll prevent it from happening again until you get to the point of acceptance.

I have found that I really hate to read, but because I am interested in helping my H heal, (& work to forgive myself), I am reading everything!

I struggle in staying focused when I read. I recently discovered Audible, an e-book app or audio book that you can listen to on your computer or smartphone device.

I love using it and taking notes in a notepad to reference back too.

In dealing with your shame/guilt/healing I recommend starting with Brene Brown's "The Gift of Imperfection". It's helped me recognize that at one time I was a cheater, I chose to cheat, but I am no longer that person. We have the capacity to change. All that matters is our opinion of ourselves. If we can love ourselves and love to the fullest extent then we can love our significant others, spouses, and kids to the fullest extent as well.

To forgive yourself you are going to have to change your thinking and accept the fact that there were many choices that were made to get here.

All of those things you told yourself to deal with your cognitive dissonance have to be undone in your head. You need to accept that you did this and nothing about it past or present will change that fact. Nothing.

You can't forgive yourself because all those justification, minimization and excuses prevent you from standing alone in vacuum with just yourself and your choices. You can't forgive yourself because all of those other things are in the way and while they help your guilt they prevent you from 100% owning your choices.

OM, your M, your H did not make those choices. You did. Acceptance that it was you is the first step. Wishing you had a different past solves nothing. The future and present are still being written. Those are things that you can change.

BS here.

I want you to look at what you wrote:

We had a good M; but we both became complacent with each other with the “married-singles” lifestyle we were living. However, at the end of the day, we were together, under the same roof and still in love.

I see now that I should have been stronger to talk with my H about our M. We could have fixed us together…I didn’t need to stray.

So which was it: a good marriage or a bad one? You contradicted yourself here. Was the marriage bad or are you rewriting history to fit your new paradigm? You need to be careful here.

Then it happened…in one moment I became weak; and in that moment, I changed everything I thought about myself, my husband and our M. I tossed our most sacred wedding vows in the garbage. I had an A (I still can’t believe these words come out of my mouth), after 22 years of living those promises, (30 years total of being with my H) and 3 children, I fucked up. I told multiple lies…I was cruel…. I became unrecognizable to my family and to even my co-workers.

Well, no, I can probably guess it didn't "just happen". Affairs don't just happen. They are a result of a series of drawn out, deliberately made choices. You took one deliberate step after another towards an affair with another man. You need to star being brutally honest with yourself if you and your husband are to truly heal from this.

You cannot forgive yourself until you lay out all your choices and behaviors en toto, and own them completely.

BS here.

First, a little semantics. As a BS, I get edgy when I see a WS use the word "mistake".

So, this was not a mistake, betraying your spouse is (as LivingWithPain pointed out) a series of deliberately made choices.

Viewing an affair as a mistake (and personally, even using that language), sets things back for you AND for your BS.

Second - books.

I recommend "How Can I Forgive You" by Janis Spring. I read it as a BS, but it has a chapter for the "offending party" that I gave to my WS. This includes suggestions on self forgiveness. I got the book from my local library. If you don't like to read, just read that one chapter (for the offended). This book has really helped me (albeit as a BS).

I know that's what I did, but I do not feel that's what I am.

One of the hardest realities in life, is to learn that we are not what we think, what we hope, or what we feel...we are simply what we do.

Nobody likes to accept that they are a bad person...it is soul crushing to say it out loud. There is always a rationalization.

The hard truth is that we can think, hope, dream...and it means nothing. In the end, we are 100% what we actually do.

What we do is who we are. Actions are it. Nothing else compares to action. Action is the execution phase of who we truly are.

In my life, I was able to spin a lot of things into softer versions of "well...what I hoped would happen was..." and "what I was thinking when I did this was..." followed by some "I'm not really like that..."

Hard truth...I am what I do. I am what I have done. None of the spin matters. Actions are real. Hopes and dreams aren't.

I made my choices. I am nobody's slave. That's me. What I do is me. What you do is you.

You aren't forgiving yourself because you aren't being truthful about yourself. You are still hiding who you are/were. IMO we still are cheaters if we haven't owned it or gotten it. So, you still tie your choice to cheat to the dynamics of your marriage and that just isn't so. You still claim to be all these things and it is pretty plain you weren't and were lying to yourself, otherwise you wouldn't have cheated. The simple fact is that you were weak and you were needy. You lack enough self confidence and self respect to make the right choice when the opportunity presented itself.

Why couldn’t I realize then, what I was doing was wrong and immoral? Why wasn’t I more resilient to stay committed to my M and my H & family? Even now, why can’t I forgive myself for what I have done?

You answered that already and it wasn't because of the marriage. It was because you wanted this.

promised me the world…his charm was pretty hypnotizing. He put me on a pedestal and boosted my self-esteem.

Getting your self esteem fed by others. Your husband wasn't doing it so you found someone else. It isn't anyones job to do that. Not even your husbands. You chose yourself over anything else. You probably got fed in the past. Your husband, work, or children did that for you. Hence why being a cheater is always in us. When the feeding stopped, you found a new source.

In addition to not owning it and getting it, you play the victim card too much.

I fell for an asshole who promised me the world

fell for or chose to? What if he could give you the world like he promised? Would it make everything okay then?

his charm was pretty hypnotizing.

Really? come on. It doesn't matter. You still need to own that you chose it.

I was so deep in his spell, I couldn’t see straight.

So, it is the APs fault he put on the charm and you said fuck it? You need to be honest with yourself. This wasn't a mistake. This isn't some fuck up. It was a deliberate choice by a selfish person to get their ego fed because you weren't feeding your own in a healthy way.

We could have fixed us together

Again, it isn't the marriages fault. It was yours. You need to be enough for you without being fed.

You get anxious and sad and angry because you haven't owned who you are. Once, you do that. You can face it. Sit in it. Then choose to change it. Who you were and are is simply who you are. Good news is it doesn't define who you can become. Problem is that you are stuck in denial.

Nobody likes to accept that they are a bad person...it is soul crushing to say it out loud.

Unbroken is right about that. Unfortunately it is the truth and it you can't move forward and change till you do. Such a simple fix and the hardest to do. Very liberating when you do.

Because I can’t forgive myself for being a lying, cheating bitch- I am hiding who I was? I don’t understand that. I have owned the A & am working on R with my H. I appreciate all of your responses and advice.

I have always been described, by most people who know me, as a strong willed, loving and a loyal person. In my mind, I would NEVER have an A. I viewed it as wrong and for the weak. We had a good M; but we both became complacent with each other with the “married-singles” lifestyle we were living. However, at the end of the day, we were together, under the same roof and still in love. Then it happened…in one moment I became weak; and in that moment, I changed everything I thought about myself, my husband and our M.

This is why you are getting comments to admit to yourself. The above quote states how everyone, including yourself, sees you as this wonderful person. Then you say you had your A in a moment of weakness. The truth is you had your A in many, many moments of selfishness and entitlement. Not weakness. You made the choices to betray your H, your M and yourself. Owning your A would be here saying just that. Once you hit remorse, you will realize that you did an unforgiveable thing and neither your BH or you will ever truly forgive. So maybe you don't find forgiveness, maybe you use that lack to fuel personal growth.

Barregirl is right. Part of your work after the affair is coming to the understanding that the perception that others had of you, and that you had of yourself, was very flawed. A loving person doesn't cheat and treat their loved ones cruelly. A strong-willed person doesn't lend credence to the honeyed words of some asshole who seeks out sex with married women. A loyal person doesn't lie to the people who trust them most.

There was no "moment of weakness" or "becoming weak". These were character deficits that you had all along that you didn't (and evidently still don't) want to face because they conflict with your preferred image of yourself. That's why you use terms like "hypnotizing charm" and "deep in his spell" to slough blame off your own shoulders and place it elsewhere. Even the title of this thread - you forgiving yourself - is about you trying to chalk it up to temporary insanity and move on. That's not good enough.

Your AP was not some superhuman charmer who robbed you of your wits. Your moral fiber was nowhere near strong enough that you could accurately be called loyal, loving, and strong-willed. And until you're willing to come to terms with the fact that you simply didn't love your husband, that you weren't loyal to him, and that your will was so weak that you cheated with a run-of-the-mill player who threw a few ego kibbles your way, you're not going to make progress. You made these choices willingly, knowing they were wrong and that they would devastate your husband. You decided, whether you want to admit it or not, that having your ego stroked was worth inflicting unfathomable pain upon him.

You say you've owned your affair, but everything you've posted indicates otherwise. Once you really own it, you'll realize that it's unforgivable and that to ask for forgiveness - even from yourself - is yet more selfish thinking.

[This message edited by Pippin at 1:51 AM, March 19th (Tuesday)]