SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Director, so sorry. Man this is about as rough as it gets. The ultimate betrayal.

Like everyone else, I see no future with her. Fortunately you are young, as is your son.

I don't have any advice to offer that hasn't been, but will emphasize that you need to take care of yourself physically and mentally.

I think the sooner you begin divorce (annulment?)

proceedings the better off you will be.

Also for your own peace of mind you need to forgive her. You'll never forget, but forgiveness is important.

This is all on her - hold your head high.

Tell everyone? Absolutely.

You've had some very good input, director. I just want to encourage two things that have been put before you already.

File for D and get it on the record that you are not the baby's biological father. If you don't and the child is born while she's still with you then you will be responsible for the child. You don't actually have much time to do so. Choice will be taken out of your hands. If you do get it on the record then you have a choice to support his upbringing or not. You can make the choice.

If you decide to R, even though it's on the record that the child isn't yours, I think you should raise the child as if was yours. Be the father. If you D you could voluntarily provide some support although I don't know why you would.

The other thing is to get a VAR or a couple of them. Carry one at all times and especially when in contact with her. There's been too many stories about false DV charges being made on SI. I have a friend whose WW made those charges in the early 1990s and it is still on his record. She has admitted that it didn't happen but she won't have the charges removed. A neighbour had his wife make those charges but his 13 year old daughter had heard everything and told the police when they came to his house. This shit happens. Protect yourself.

I'm sorry you are here but happy you found this place so quick after the awful truth came out. Hang in there. Be strong.

Sorry you are here, Director. I don’t have time to write a long note, but much of what I want to say has already been said. In short, your WW seems imbalanced and a poor candidate for R currently.

As her actions have shown, she’s not who you thought she was. Based on that, I urge you to be careful around her going forward. Take steps to protect yourself from false domestic violence charges. Using a VAR when she is near you is an excellent way to do that. Protect yourself, protect your son, and get out of infidelity ASAP.

You seem like a nice person and I wish you well.

Director:

No doubt, this is a shitty situation in which you have found yourself.

I am going to echo a few other posters in saying your wife is manipulating things.

Just...be careful...cautious. I would record all conversations with her moving forward.

Also...be prepared for the full court press from her family for you to not divorce her.

Sorry you are here, brother.

The more I think of this...

Your wife, despite being all broken up about hurting you, appears to have an outcome in mind that is polar opposite from that. Divorce papers, keeping in touch with OM.

Sounds to me like she's trying to show the OM that she truly wants him, while putting on the facade of wanting you for everyone else.

I think that you're doing as well as can be expected director. Thankfully you have people around you who are supporting you.

Notice that she told her mother that she felt threatened by you. Not good. Don't give her any cause to allow her to talk bad about you. I get it that emotions are high right now but you have to constantly keep in mind that she's already betrayed you and now in her quest to come out of this as less guilty, is going to try to place blame on you. As I said before, you've got to stay out in front of the rumors and innuendo; and now her lies.

It also sounds like she wants you to raise your child. I suspect it's because, as I said earlier that she's planning to run to the other man and she knows that he isn't going to want to raise your child. That again shows what kind of person she is. A mother that doesn't want to raise her own child isn't much of a mother.

Remember to stay calm as best you can. Even if you already know the path you're going to take, listen to her parents concerns and try to help them to understand your position. Make sure that they know that you're staying in the area and that they'll always have full access to their grandson. Stay friends with them as best you can. Be as gracious as possible and always speak the truth. Except when necessary, try not to add demeaning terms about your cheating wife when telling your story. The listener will add them on their own. Don't allow it to be said that you were less than honorable.

Your wife is suddenly pushing for divorce. I read that as proof she had already planned on moving on with the other man and that she's in 'love' with him. Take that as your confirmation that, as you've already determined, there's no road forward with her; she's already moved on.

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. It's not fair to you and your child. You've done nothing to deserve what she's done. This is all on her and has no reflection on you. Stay strong, keep your head up, and take care of yourself.

After reading your narrative, it appears that your wife and the POSOM have been in continual contact through out this recent reveal. She appears to be at crossroads. Wanting to know which man she is going to move forward with.

And you can bet her AP knew about each step that she was doing .Her already having the papers ready, and then immediately going to the AP after your discussion, is a telling factor.

She has two men in her heart and if you remain with her this would inevitably continue.

Unfortunately ‘blood runs thicker than water and POSOM will eventually be accepted by mum and dad, if not the whole family .

Unfortunately, your only choice to get out of infidelity is the current choices that you are doing.

Director, I imagine that right now you feel like a guy who fell out of the raft in a class 5 rapid. Everyone is screaming to swim this way or that way, and you're just trying to keep your head above water. It's hard to know which way to turn. I do want to give on small bit of advice. Speaking to you as a father who raised a son, who I recently found out was not biologically my child, I don't advise DNA testing your 2 year-old, at least not right now. He is your son, regardless of his genetics. In the middle of all this pain, you do not need to add to your misery, particularly with information that may injure your relationship to him, and could possibly introduce another man into the equation, who could interfere with your relationship with your son. God speed, my friend.

As said before. Be carefull. Now she still tries to recover and win you back. Once she knows it will be impossible she will be very angry and will try to take revenge. Buy a VAR and record all she says to you in person. And watch you're son.

Desperate people can do horrible things. For example: Belgium is a small country and even here it happens several times a year a parent kills it's own child and try to commit suicide due to relationship problems.

thanks again for all the feedback, it truly helps to hear all opinons, and helps me believe there is life after this.

I am meeting with inlaws tonight without her. I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow without her to just be able to talk, and i did have a long conversation with a prominent divorce lawyer local to my area, and he did explain that since we are married, i will be considered the legal father until i give up my rights if i choose to do so. I will be meeting with him in person on friday, and i do have all of the divorce documents that ww completed.

She continues to ask if i can see a silver lining, and i honestly cannot. She did stay in our home last night and slept on the couch. she was short with me so like many have said she is going to begin to flip this around on me. will be using a recorder moving forward.

Silver lining? LOL! The only silver lining is that she showed you who she really is and now you can get free from her before she craps on the rest of your life.

Stay strong, focused and cool; think long-term. I'm rooting for you.

Something to do in the meantime is gathering all your important documents and putting them out of her reach. That includes marriage certificates, birth certificates - yours and your child's, tax returns, automobile titles, leases, jointly held debt, etc. You want to control that so she does not drag out the divorce by having 'trouble' coming up with the documents.

Plus any hard evidence you may have collected of her cheating. Do it all quietly.

Also get ready to cancel all joint credit cards. If your pay check is directed to a shared account open a new account - yours only and deposit there. Then put in shared account only what she needs to see.

She sounds desperate and unstable. In order to avoid a nervous breakdown that blows up an advantageous settlement, maybe she'd be less likely to flip on you if you reframed the divorce, resolving paternity and custody (civilly and honestly) as a fresh start or do over. Including the possibility that after the divorce is final you're open to her proving herself and some day winning you back.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 12:44 PM, January 15th (Tuesday)]

Director:

I agree with Robert. Now that you've essentially made your decision of "most likely heading towards divorce", take her offer before its off the table and use the guise of a potential rekindling to keep her calm until you finish up the D. She played you, and is continuing to play you, turn the tables on her, take her offer while holding out a possibility of R if she behaves herself and does what is needed. You can always stop the D, or even remarry, but the window of opportunity of getting out from being the OC's father, and her offer of the house and complete custody of your child will only last for a very short period of time.

The board always offers the advice of never letting the WW cake eat, but in this situation, it might be a good idea to play along, stay in a good relationship with the Inlaws and get the settlement that benefits you while the WW is cake eating. You pull the rug once you get the D settled to your advantage.

Brother-

You need to harden your heart for what is to come.

There is going to be some serious guilt tripping from the in-laws and Church..."what would God do...that baby needs a REAL MAN for a father" type nonsense.

The parents will try to incentivise it with $$$ and jobs. They will rain money on the problem to make you stay.

Failing that, they will turn on you and attack you and side with the OM.

Your WW is obviously still in direct contact with the OM.

I would bet even money that his version of the recent conversation was wildly different than your WW's report to you...it was likely more of "I love you but we can't be together right now, just wait, and know that I love you"...

She isn't going to end up with nothing and nobody to love her. She knows that the writing is on the wall and will grab a branch before she falls to the ground.

That branch was going to be you...but you wouldn't chump out. Now...she will grab a lower branch...and mommy and daddy will make it rain money for the new grandbaby.

You are going to end up being the outcast. It's just how this goes.

The only win for you is a quick divorce with full custody of your bio son and total 180 from all of this.

The more contact you have, the more drama you will get.

Good luck. Fast D, full custody...

director23, you might want to go further and also get a couple of nanny cams and place them strategically around the home just in case. Your WW sound VERY manipulative. She's already trying to fall on the sword with the filled out D papers to pull at your heart strings, then turn around and imply to her mother you might be a danger to her? You would be surprised at the lengths some WW might go to self harm with a bruise or cut to show for it, then call the police to claim DV to get their BH arrested and removed from the home. A camera in the home capturing this stunt will be a godsend for you.

She's pegging you hard for a decision. If she is all about being remorseful and simply not pressuring you into raising the OM's child and keeping the M for her benefit you can tell her that you might consider R if only after D because you need at least to divorce her to cleanse yourself of the situation, to create a new marriage because the old one is dead. I bet you would see her real agenda come to surface in her reaction to this. And if she actually agrees to D first then R after, well....once D is finalized you don't really have to R anyway.

Director,

In your update, you said you called your WW’s friend in her time of need, but what about you?

I would like to reiterate the advice from HalfTime2017 and Bigheart2018:

Surround yourself with friends and family. They will help you just as surely you would help them if the situation was reversed.

Good luck tonight.

Where it is important to protect yourself and stand up for yourself, she is still the mother of your child and someone you love. She is not a ! monster she just maybe not someone you should be married to.

You will survive this like all on this board have.

Best wishes to you.

As everyone has said I am sorry you are here but I am glad you found this site early on I didn't find it till about 4 months after dday and it has helped me a lot since I found it.

Your story is the worst case scenario of mine. My W and I were trying for our 2nd. After a miss carriage and 7 months of not getting pregnant we started talking about checking our fertility and my wife made an appt for sometime in July then I would go if she was fine. Then in June she was about a week late on her period but I waited to tell her to take a test so we wouldn't get our Hope's up like in precious months. Then one day I see a strange text on her phone and that night after she went go sleep I went through her phone. It was a Thursday and as I'm reading all these texts that are destroying my world I see a picture of a pregnancy test she had sent him on Monday. She had sex with me on her fertile days and him a few days later and used a condom with him and in the texts she said she thought it was mine but also acknowledged it could be his and as one of the OM texts put it "he will know when it comes out brown".

She was only about 4 weeks when I found out and the earliest you can do a prenatal paternity test is 8 weeks so I had to go a month not knowing if my wife was pregnant with my baby, refused to say it was mine during that time but also had to try and not put my wife through so much that she had another miscarriage. But after finally getting the test done the baby is mine.

I knew if it wasn't that I would for sure leave my W. Basically it was up to that test whether or not we would attempt R. But I was terrified of how I would really react if it wasn't mine, I'm still scared that some how the test was wrong and people will be able to tell shes not mine (due in less than a month). I cant imagine how you are feeling now going from thinking this baby is yours to finding all this out. You found the best place possible to help you through this. I dont have much advice myself I'm still somewhat new but I wish you luck you are doing good so far. Just want to say dont be ashamed if you cant stay and raise the baby as your own because coming from someone that was almost in your shoes, I knew I wouldn't be able to do it.

Did the in-laws cut the cruise short? You stated earlier that they were one day into a week’s cruise – the reason I suggested you wait on telling them and use the time to learn your rights was based on that info.

Keep in mind the in-laws aren’t your marriage. That’s only you and your wife. You don’t have any obligations to do what they want or to expect any support or positive actions from them. In fact – once the divorce is through – chances are your interactions with in-laws will be minimal and limited to interaction related to your son.

Your beef is NOT with them.

BUT… they can heavily impact the next steps. I strongly suggest you try to keep them as much out of this as you can and limit their involvement to finding the best possible resolution for all stakeholders in this marriage and family. By that I’m referring to you, your then-ex-wife, your child and at a distant last her parents.

You can expect them to want to minimize the situation. To want to find a way to save face and keep your family unit together. They will want this “problem” to disappear. Once it doesn’t then keep this in mind: In divorce the largest war-purse generally wins. The hand that can keep feeding the attorneys will get their way. You can expect them to be thinking about their daughters best interest and future. If you want to divorce I suggest you set up a plan that treats your ex-wife fairly and portray the plan as a fair one to her parents.

Based on you having decided to divorce:

Tackle this with the end-goal in mind. End goal should be that you can move away from your relationship with your ex-wife and establish a working co-parenting relationship that supports your child.

Remove all secondary or irrelevant factors like revenge and whose blame this might be and how you were a terrible husband and all that. Divorces aren’t scored: you don’t get a trophy and a “I won the D” t-shirt. Friends and family will decide whom to side with and whom to believe and all you can do is stick to the truth and walk on.

You won’t get sole custody. You won’t get all the assets and escape all the debts. Your divorce will be “fair” even if it won’t feel that way. Your best bet IMHO is to approach the negotiation table with an offer that can be considered fair by an impartial observant (like a judge…). You can tip things to your favor, but at the end of the day then no matter what she did or how morally repulsed we might be then it won’t impact the divorce.

Keep in mind your wife is 6 months pregnant. Irrespective of HER then the pregnancy needs to be kept in mind. The couch isn’t going to do. Either get her to accept to move out or you move to another bedroom. The rule-of-thumb here on SI is to NEVER leave the master-bedroom, but I’m thinking about the unborn child more than your wife. Maybe her parents will take her in until the divorce is finalized, but she needs as stable an environment as can be offered. Part of that stability can be attained by having your decision to D clear and in the open.

My suggestion regarding the unborn child: Go for the true paternity. I would recommend that irrespective of R or D, but if you plan on D then go for the correct paternity. Imagine this scenario: You don’t contest paternity, divorce goes through after 12 months and you pay CS with 2 kids. Ex-wife takes up with OM and you are subsidizing his kid…

Even if FIL and WW promise to make no financial demands if you remain the father… Some years from now – after your ex FIL had the stroke and lost the company – your ex-wife could sue you for CS.

It’s just a big loose end that I would want tied and put away. I would refute paternity even if you had planned to reconcile. You can raise another man’s child as your own, but you can’t try to hide such major truths.