SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She explained that before anything really happened she looked at our marriage as a business agreement, and when it came to us being affectionate she said she stopped feeling that way because she began to look at me like a brother...whatever the fuck that meant. These were the ultimate reasons she essentially gave me for how it happened.

This is straight out of the cheaters handbook. It's so utterly unoriginal, most of the unremorseful WSs we hear about have said nearly the exact same thing word for word.

It's showing how she isn't taking responsibility for her role in maintaining a healthy marriage, for sustaining your love for each other. Nope, not her fault she "stopped feeling" bladda bladda blech. It's just something that couldn't be helped.

Furthermore, it's a lie. The brotherhood bullshit is a dodge. Once she started being infatuated with this guy and began to contemplate a little boink on the side, and whoops no boundaries whatsoever, THEN and only then, did her feelings for you get all brothery. Because cognitive dissonance can't be dealt with by the emotionally bankrupt, she has to fabricate a loss of affection and love for you so she can be falling in lurve with him, swept off her feet with passion.

Do not accept this story line. It's bullshit. The affair came first and is the source of her disconnect with you, not vice-versa. Nope, nuh huh, no way.

This is called re-writing marital history. Just swap a few events in the story line so the other thing came first and now you have cause-effect in the "preferable" order for her little fantasy. She does it to make her feel better about herself and her shitty decisions, regardless of how hurtful it is to you.

director23:

You’ve received some good advice from Bigger. Please read and reread. And to echo pure heart kit take the time to be kind to yourself. You have had an emotional trauma and shock and you will be processing it for days. Whatever decision you reach you will receive support, R or D. It does not matter to me. It’s your life. Anyone questioning your manhood or masculinity because you are not following their advice is not helping you. You decide what you want for your future, not what someone else thinks you should do. You will not be a beta chump or weak willed if you decide to try and work thru this with your WW. Take the advice you can use and leave the rest. Your WW has put you in an awful situation and has shown little remorse. You have indicated initially a desire to D. Take your time this week before her parents return to plan and talk to an attorney good luck.

Dir

I assume you are smart enough to realize this is the internet and none of us can actually make you do anything you do nor want to do.

Be smart enough to listen to all the advise and not those who are blowing sunshine up your tail pipe or telling you what you want to hear.

You need to not only figure out your rights but also those of the OM. In addition you need to know what OM intentions are as well.

People like myself tend to give advice of divorce or at least see an attorney not because we are what some people say but we look to both protect and empower you.

You need to lock down assets and debt. You need to get custody in order as right now she is free to move in with OM.

Filing can also mitigate false DV charges. There are lots of reasons and you should always protect yourself.

Your wife is asking a lot out of you. She wants forgiveness, love and for you to raise another man's child. She asking you to accept the unacceptable. To endure pain that she can not imagine. She says she hopes that you can the love you (actually only her) lost after less than three years of marriage. Why isn't all she is asking you to do enough. Where do you see this relationship in 5,10,15 or 20 years out if she lost love so quickly.

Meeting for lunch was very hard. She wanted me to tell her what I wanted, and I said I haven't changed my mind. She lost it and pulled out divorce papers that she already had filled out and said she would let me file. She then took out another paper and said this is all I want and basically said she doesn't want to live in our house and doesn't deserve to raise our son. I said I'm not looking to rush in to anything, and she flipped the kitchen table on to me and kicked some of our sons toys. I stayed calm and she collapsed and cried and I text her best friend and asked her to come over. She said she would be a bit.

Wife calmed down and got out her phone and said I need to start this process and said she is going to call her parents, and I said I think that's best so she did. She began by saying that I am divorcing her, and then said the baby that she is going to have is not mine. Her mom lost it and just began crying asking why and how and swearing. Hearing her mom react that way is when I officially couldn't keep my emotions in check any longer and I cried and moaned harder than I ever have in my life. I felt such pain that I threw up. Her father came into the area for where her mom was and her mom began telling her father and he just said wtf repeatedly and didn't believe it. He got on the phone and asked what she was thinking a d then just started blurting things out which cut the ww to her core. He said the op is fired and threatened to harm him which he couldn't ever do.

In the middle of this her friend showed up and the conversation with her parents ended. We began discussing and not much was said that led to any conclusion other than her knowing that there is no way forward for us.

I picked up son from daycare and she went to op house to tell him my decision. She came home very soon after and said op is in love with her but she wants me and the conversation just started all over again. I said I don't want to talk anymore tonight and she just kept smothering me and I ended up getting angry in my responses and made a comment about her spreading her legs for another man and she said I called her a whore and we argued about that to the point where she believed I was being threatening so she called her mother again and they had a conversation in front of me and her mom just consoled her and it ended up with we beginning to understand the path forward.

Her two siblings were told by email by her and they have both reached out to me saying how sorry they are and they'll support my decision whatever it is.

Her dad has text me twice saying he is so sorry and he is devastated. I believe he has turned to alcohol to cope in the meantime and they have cut their cruise short and will be back tomorrow. They want to meet with just me, probably to ensure that my decision is concrete.

I told my boss and ensured him that I do not plan on leaving, and his response was similar to the doctors. He is in his 40s and has two daughters and great marriage. He said he would recommend me to try and stay but after grasping everything surrounding the entire situation he agrees that if it were him he doesn't know if he could continue the marriage either.

Today was a very hard day. Bandaid has been ripped off. It did feel good to release some of my emotions but I still can only see divorce as the best route for myself.

Brother- You may not see it now, but you just got the biggest gift in the world- A WW willing to go easy on you in the divorce and give you custody of your son.

That's the prize in this fight. There is no other.

If you don't sign the papers, file them, and run for the hills with your son...you are flat out nuts.

Get it done while she is still willing and sorry. She will turn, get angry, get bitter, and try to destroy you for "ruining her life". She will turn on you once the tears dry up.

Don't waste this time. Sign it, file it...and be thankful to have your son. So many men would give anything to have their kids.

What a huge win for you...if you grab it.

I agree with unbroken. Take her offer before she changes her mind or someone advises her to change her mind.

Keep her filled out divorce papers and hand them over to the attorney you pick. Then have him fill out your own and file quickly. The longer this drags out will only make her intransigent and demand more and more. Take the deal she is offering now and run while it lasts.

Better start carrying a VAR - voice activated recorder when engaged with her. That little comment about you threatening her is not a good sign of things to come or just how low she will stoop to protect her own interests.

If you think she is not capable of making things up think again. She is in full panic mode and quite capable of just about anything. Protect yourself.

[This message edited by BrooklynGuy at 11:24 PM, January 14th (Monday)]

Director, one other thing to add.

She mentioned that 'om' is in love with her. Don't be naive and think that she has not told him the same thing. Everything she says to you concerning this is nothing but gas lighting and self serving lies. Straight from the cheater's handbook. Textbook.

In my life's experience women in general don't let their lovers ejaculate inside them unless they have serious feelings for the man. Real feelings. Feelings with a future.. This pregnancy was not a one night stand. She fooled around with him for months.

Brooklyn is 100% correct.

People who cheat, will always have a plan B. You were her plan B. She chose him over you and assumed you would chump out and raise the kid...

You showed her that you were no chump.

Now...she needs a chump.

Know where she can likely find one? Her AP...who now REALLY needs her to get daddy to not fire him.

Know how she does that? "Daddy...he needs his job to pay for the baby...he is a good man...we are in love...BS wasn't really a good husband..."

You can expect this. She won't go without a man. She will swing to the next branch and that branch is the AP.

People like her can't go without a partner. They can't be alone...it is too painful for them to look in the mirror.

Some red flags here,

and she flipped the kitchen table on to me and kicked some of our sons toys.

I said I don't want to talk anymore tonight and she just kept smothering me

she said I called her a whore and we argued about that to the point where she believed I was being threatening

Sound a bit like Fifty Shades of Borderline.

I would suggest you keep a VAR on during any future conversations with her. Protect yourself from a potential false DV charge.

Dear Director,

I believe your wife is issuing pre-emptive strikes again you. I’ve stated in my earlier post, is that your wife thinks she is in love with her affair partner. Each step she had and will take are calculated by her and her AP. They had already discussed the meeting between you and your wife and they assume your response. She had divorce papers prepared with a prepared statement for the divorce settlement expectations.

She stated she doesn’t want the house nor custody of your child. Your WW and AP has discussed their next steps as a family. What she hasn’t expected is the reality of the fallout between her parents, family, and friends. The separation will also place some financial burden on them. Reality has started to set in with a vengeance.

Surround yourself with close family and friends. Don’t make any decision until you discuss everything with your attorney. The road will be hard with sorrow, but you have SI, your family, and friends to help you through this. Whatever decision and path you chose to take, your SI family will be here for you. Just my thoughts

Best,

Bigheart

What a mess !!! just take her deal and run for the hills before she changes her mind, she's giving you full custody of your son and therefore no child support (you may get child support from her if you wish), RUN don't walk ! she's unhinged, carry a VAR with you at all times. File for D ASAP !!!.

Why tell OM of your decision if she's not going to be with him anyway? I mean, she didn't waste any time at all telling him about it.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 2:45 AM, January 15th (Tuesday)]

Remember this: among all of the mess, your window of opportunity to clarify your legal status vis-a-vis the unborn child is very narrow. You should meet with a lawyer IMMEDIATELY to discuss this.

If you do not establish legally that you are not this child's father, you will be responsible for paying child support for this child for the next 18 years, no matter what else happens in your life and marriage. You will have no choice.

On the other hand, assuming you establish that you are not the father of the unborn child, that does not end things. You could, for example, voluntarily pay support for the child, when and in what amount suits you. You could even choose to adopt the child. In other words, you would have choices.

You might also consider phoning your father-in-law and asking him to reconsider firing the asshole who fucked your wife/his daughter. That unborn child is his grandchild. Somebody will need to provide food, clothing, and shelter for it. If the biological father is unemployed, who will do that?

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 5:19 AM, January 15th (Tuesday)]

Try and go back and recreate dates of her leaving your child to go meet the om.

The VAR is a good suggestion. Her twisting things is sign of things to come.

Look at the papers and sign if she has given you custody of your son. You can renegotiate later.

Things truly turned into business if you decided to divorce.

13yearsfooled faces his wife faced having OP s baby. Try and find his thread.

Regret at getting caught is very different from remorse. Remorse is shown in actions. Your WW are telling with her emotional outbursts and running to the other man. She is not thinking of you, she is trying to manipulate you. She would be doing that by groveling to your family, offering you everything, having a fit when you don’t do it, twisting words and telling her on you to her Mommy.

This is a very sad mess. Getting the most time you can with your son and the best financial deal are the business of divorce. Keep posting, take things at your pace.

The conversation with her parents was done in front of you. Why then the need to actually go and see the OM in person?

The NC phone call could have been done in front of you at the same time as the call to her parents, after all it's a NC contact through lawyer about OC!

I agree that you should take the divorce papers and file, you can always stop the process if you change your mind.

I just want to add that I think you are handling this remarkably well. To have your WW get pregnant while you and her were in the process of trying to have a second child...and her excuse was that she felt you two had fallen into "brother/sister" mode... and the final slap in the face was that YOU BOTH would have to try to find your love again. Nobody here is going to blame you if you try to work it out with her but... we won't blame you if what she had done is too much to forgive either. I honestly don't know how I'd handle it... so just the fact that you are able to write, move forward with any next steps is doing well.

I have to say I think she is fishing for the right response to make you "fight for her" and she seems to be astounded that you don't want to. She tried giving you the D papers, saying you could have EVERYTHING, then she tried throwing a fit, then she tried running to OM's, then she tried saying he wants her... but she wants you... You have remained solid in your decision. It feels like a divorce but I'm willing to give it some time to make sure I'm reacting out of though and not emotion.

When her folks get back to town I'd line things up where she gets visitation with DS but is living with them while you clear your brain. Having her going through her emotional struggles right in front of you is going to be too hard for you to think clearly. Both of you need to get into IC for this.

I am just so sorry you are going through this having done nothing wrong... I'm also surprised at her reactions. She seemed to really think that if she started to work hard at the marriage again it will all be forgiven. That all she had to do was choose you and it would work out.

[This message edited by Freeme at 7:59 AM, January 15th (Tuesday)]

I just want to add that I think you are handling this remarkably well.

I agree with freeme’s.

She acts as if she has a husband and a BF and she can pick and choose whatever she wants... and if she can’t get what she wants, she throws a tantrum kicking tables and chairs etc...

Do you feel she was spoiled as a child by her parents?

What is your plan moving forward?

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 6:44 AM, January 15th (Tuesday)]

I hate to have to welcome you to SI, but you came here, and you are receiving some great advice.

Essentially your wife has her ducks in a row. Speaking with other man, divorce papers, her actions do not match her words at all. IMO she is the master manipulator, setting up counseling, begging and pleading, while at the same time contacting the other man and having divorce papers drawn up.

Right now I'd consult with more than one attorney, and please be careful, very, very careful. Your wife is becoming a bit unhinged, too many times when women are desperate they will falsely accuse domestic violence. Please have a VAR on you at all times going forward.

It sounds as though you have made up your mind, and all of us here understand your life has been torn to shreds. Our hearts break for you. I have three sons of my own, all about your age, and if either of them were in your situation, I'd advise to run and never look back. By all means do whatever it is to protect your son, but your wife created this mess, not my circus, not my monkeys.

You are young, you deserve the best happiness life has to offer, put yourself in the driver's seat, take charge, and even though you are probably still in shock, take steps to get yourself out of this toxic situation.

Focus on you and your son. Your wife is one hot mess, and I don't think right now she is fully capable of being the best parent, you need to be the parent who has his best interests at heart.

Your wife is a manipulator, liar, betrayer. She is pregnant with another man's child. This man will be in your life forever. That's the harsh reality.

Know you will be ok. It will take time. Find a good counselor for YOU to help you process this nightmare. Nothing to do with your wife. You need to focus on moving forward, and a good counselor will certainly help. director, life will be good again, it will take a bit, but once you begin to take steps to remove yourself from this mess, you will begin to feel some relief.

So now, suddenly, she's willing to just give you full custody, give you the house, and just walk away? I think once shit hit the fan YOU were plan A, and now that isn't working out, so OM and his new house are plan B. She will move in with him, trust me on that. They will be together for awhile. This dude is going to be involved in your life. That really sucks, but take this gift she is giving you and sign these papers now!!! Once her parents get back, and they get her an attorney, this offer probably won't be on the table anymore.

I honestly do not believe she has left you any choice but to divorce. R really doesn't seem like an option even in the slightest. The bitch be crazy! Wear a VAR during future interactions if possible. Treat her with the utmost respect and kindness until the D is finalized. You want to keep her happy and docile during this situation. She sounds like she's going to rewrite history, saying you're a bad husband, abusive, the whole 9 yards.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The good news is that you're a good man, a good father, successful and still young. Someday you'll probably make a SANE woman very happy!