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(((Speedbump))). I agree with Fareast. I don’t see anything weak about them knowing they destroyed you. At least your husband but now that’ I think about it I’m sure her jealous of your and his love is what drove her. She’s nuts. Now he sees her true colors. I’m sure it started with her being falsely empathetic about his deceased wife and her probably being bitter about her own life not mirroring how he had moved on with a wonderful person. Psychotic jealousy.

Eat!

When was your last protein drink/bar?

You better have a bottle of water in front of you right now!!!!

Self-care is of the utmost importance now.

I say you couldn’t have handled that any better. Well done making your boundaries known.

I am also a little wary that he suspects the messages might be monitored. But you have more than enough evidence anyway and you made it known that his dirty secrets were no longer secret.

It’s also a little troubling that, while he admits to her that what they did was fcked up, he seems to put a big part of the blame on her. He should probably figure that out before considering R.

Wishing you strength.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 10:10 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday)]

Yep, I knew it. Threw that moldy piece of shit-cake under the bus...

I would have totally looked at the ipad too! So glad you didn't reveal your "source". Smart girl. I wish I had been so smart but my emotions completely overtook any smidgen of logic that was left in my brain on Dday.

Fantasy shattered, and there was nothing of substance to it..there never is. Now the whore-homewrecker can sit at home and lick her But-I-thought-I-was-so-special wounds.

I'm so glad you made the decision you did about the house. I agree with you 100%.

I hear you. I still love my partner. Even though a small healthy part of me can stand back and say” wow, that’s so emotionally abusive.

I hear you. I still love my partner. Even though a small healthy part of me can stand back and say” wow, that’s so emotionally abusive.

I hear you. I still love my partner. Even though a small healthy part of me can stand back and say” wow, that’s so emotionally abusive.

Speedy, you deserve real love.

They played such a cruel game. How heartless can you be? He wants his security blanket back. Sell that house and never look back. Anyone who put me in the hospital would be in the trash with those flowers.

Speed Bump - Your WH knows you have seen their text messages.

Using the TBB nickname was huge clue.

I did text H to warn him that if he said one word to skank neighbor about this, ever said my name to her ever again, whether referring to me by name, TBB or anything else, I would never speak to him again. Ever!

[This message edited by DarylB at 9:36 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]

Daryl - you're right, he very well could know I've read their messages but it really doesn't matter anymore and he still would not know how. No doubt he wants to know how they were found out. One day he will, I'm sure, but today, I really don't care and there is very little need for me to keep monitoring now. But you're right, he probably knows I've seen their messages.

I'd Sure as hell let him continue to believe that the skank told you everything in an effort to ruin his marriage. Better yet, let him think she showed you the texts herself.

Based on his actions your WH does not give a rat’s behind how you learned the details of his betrayal to you. In his phone call after you confronted him, he accused the skank of telling you the details, but the bigger message he gave was how effed up they were, and she should never again contact you or him. You indicated he is not in CYA mode. He is making no excuses for his behavior, and he did not deny anything. You indicated that during the confrontation he was too ashamed to look you in the eye. When he came to visit he told you he was ashamed of how he acted. If his actions and words have any validity (a big “if”) he is a man who is much more concerned about how he could get so low as to allow himself to do such an awful thing to his W who deserved none of it, as opposed to any concerns of how you learned of their messages.

With your first post I had steam coming out of my head. Finally wondered what could make a person that detached. Tried to suggest a couple of things but there really is no excuse. Sadly, people cheat on their partners every day. This was even worse. This was gaslighting ratcheted up into the stratosphere. For the rest of his life I hope he thinks about this. He needs to find out what made it ok for him to torture you. Steam again that you have had to move into a condo BY YOURSELF while trying to recover. I hope you know how many people have worried about you.

Hugs from here.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 5:40 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]

Your husband appears to be a sociopath. As little as he cared for you and how much he appeared to care for the OW in the A, is how much he appears to care for you and doesn't care for the OW in the aftermath.

I don't think he actually cares for anyone.

Hey... This is my 2000th post. Hope it provides a smidgen of clarity!

Hi Speedbump, I hope you are feeling better. You have handled this remarkably well. I wish I had been able to keep such a cool head when I caught my husband out. Some of the things you realise about your husband were similar to what I came to realise with mine. But it took me a couple of years to see it! There was some resentment against me too...I was making more money than him, his career was not going the way he had planned. A needy woman tapped into some need and bam...affair! In my husband's case it was infertility issues between us. In your case it seems that the woman made him feel wanted by his doing things around the house for her and she tapped into that male need to have their ego stroked by an admiring woman. I never read the messages between my husband and the OW but from things he said to me after I found out, he also saw me as 'the big boss.' Like you, I had no idea he thought that way of me until he came out with his version of the rewritten marital history. I didn't love or support him and I was 'controlling.' That he could have been so delusional beggars belief, and now even he can't see how he could say and do such things. A lot of what he said at the time did not sound like him and I suspect they were actually the other woman's opinions that he was parroting at me.

Initially I thought that your husband and the neighbour were taunting you with these dares to your face. Now I see I was wrong and you were reading it in the chatlog. I suppose that makes him a bit less cruel, but it is still very hurtful and I feel bad for you that you will probably never get it out of your mind. Ignorance is bliss in some ways I guess.

I wish you all the best no matter what you decide to do. We reconciled but it has not been easy. It has been 3 years and I still think about it multiple times a day. Sometimes I think about the sheer heartlessness of the way my husband behaved and I am still shocked by it. I had been with him for 10 years before the affair and I had never seen that side of his character. He was so callous and hateful. Sometimes I wonder if it was just him going of the rails in a moment of crisis, or is this who he really is behind a mask of integrity and honesty. If you decide to reconcile it is a long hard road where you will doubt yourself and whether you have made the right decision many times.

At least your husband seems to have thrown the woman under a bus. Mine felt sorry for the other woman and felt really bad about hurting her. That made me even angrier at him and did not help us. Now I see that he is just a good person and was just behaving to her in the way he has always been. I just wanted him to curse her and blame her, but that is not who he is. It is hard to accept that.

Hard times ahead Speedbump. Look after yourself and enjoy your time with your daughter.

Wenda, it was subtle but just as cruel. They were playing a game to see how much they could get away with in front of her. They were dragging it out. She suffered for weeks, by herself, reading about their sick game.

SB, hope you are better today.

Hi SpeedBump, I just got caught up with your sitch over the past few days and my goodness! I'm so glad you're on the mend.

I think time in the US will do you good. Find a good IC when you get here, someone who specializes in infidelity-related trauma. As others have said, self-care, and that means doing things for yourself a bit more frequently - massages are very therapeutic physically and emotionally.

Huge hugs...hang in there, love...you're going to be okay. (((((SpeedBump))))))

Lala

Hi Speedbump,

Checking in on you today. Hope you have been resting and if possible filling your time with friends and coworkers instead of the ugly mind movies that permeate our existence so soon after DDay.

Will you be able to connect with your daughter when you are in the states? If possible find a therapist just to begin the process of recovery.

You are in my thoughts. Take care.

Thanks all for the love, hugs and well wishes. I really do feel the support way over here. I'm laying low, having quiet days and trying to keep the drama that is my life as nothing more than background noise for now. It's not always possible but I'm trying. H has texted a few times including asking me if he could make me lunch here where I'm staying before I leave. He said he really needs/hopes to speak and doesn't want to do that by text or email. I haven't replied. That was early yesterday. Can I get some collective wisdom/advice from the pros here, please?

I am curious, very curious, what he has to say and learn where his mind is. And of course I also want to stay as far away as possible at the same time. So I have taken my usual position and am back to my paralysis/indecision mode.

So, WWSID? (what would SI do?)

Lastly, to top off what an amazing journey this all has been, my hair seems to be falling out! Just what I need.

FML...

You do what will give you the most peace of mind. You don’t owe him anything. If you want to talk to him do it. If it is going to set you back just head on across the ocean and deal with him when you are a little healthier.

You hair falling out is a symptom of what this mess has done to you emotionally and physically. You might have a form of PTSD. You have been badly harmed.

One man said of his wife cheating with his best friend, “I would have taken a bullet for the guy. I didn’t realize he was going to be the one to pull the trigger”. You and your husband started a new adventure and he used a secret knife instead but he managed to kill your marriage.

Take it easy and let your mind and body heal.