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I found out about my wife's A about a month ago when her AP posted on my facebook timeline that he is in love with her, along with a selfie they took at one point. Needless to say I was(AM) angry. She told me that she had broken it off with him weeks prior, which leads me to believe this is why he decided to expose things to me, because he is hurt and angry. She swears (not that I necessarily believe her)that she has not talked to him since. Anyway, she and I have both blocked him on facebook, and he has blocked several mutual friends of ours. Come to find out, he is still posting pictures of her on facebook calling her gorgeous, and saying he loves her, as if they are a couple. I wouldn't care except they still have a lot of mutual friends. On one hand I want to defend my wife's honor because there are likely rumors being spread about them; on the other hand I think she needs to deal with the bed she made so to speak.

He had been a family friend for more than 10 years, and now he is (hopefully) completely out of our lives. Should we just let it just run it's course, or be more proactive about it? His behavior has not escalated any further than posts, but something in my gut tells me it could.

I'm sorry that you're here, don't worry about OM posting pictures, you can't do nothing about that, those are pictures your WW willingly took with him or allowed him to take while in the A, plus it's a moot point, everybody will know the truth because of those pictures. Now back to the issue at hand, what consequences has she had due to her HUGE betrayal ? Do NOT rugsweep this, if you do, it will come back to haunt you.

Your WW did not confess, she was forced to tell the truth after being exposed, that tells you she's NOT remorseful and not a good candidate for R by a long shot, she would have taken it to her grave, she needs to go to IC to find out her "whys". Others will come with more advice but here are some of the basics:

1)Demand she gets tested for STDs (you should too), yes she gambled with your health by exposing you to potentially life threatening STDs.

2) Demand she gives you a written timeline of the A, if you are to forgive, you need to know what you're forgiving.

3) Demand full on demand access to her phone and all electronic devices FOREVER, there's no privacy in the M other than toilet time.

4) She needs to commit to NC FOREVER with OM, she needs to send him a letter you approve and watch her hit send (no sweet goodbyes), if any of her friends knew of the A and helped her cover it, they need to go too. If OM is a co-worker then your WW will have to quit her job or have OM fired if that's a possibility.

5) She needs to apologize to both set of parents for her huge betrayal and to close family and friends.

6) Consult an attorney to know your legal options and to see what D would look like, at the very least demand she signs a postnup in your favor in case you later realize this is/was a deal-breaker for you or if she cheats again in the future.

7) Your WW is now a proven cheater and a liar, this may not have been her first rodeo, you may consider a polygraph.

8) Cheaters lie and trickle truth (TT), don't believe anything she says, she' now in self preservation mode.

9) Do NOT take any blame for her A, problems in the M you share 50/50, her A is/was 100% her fault and her DECISION.

Please give us more info so that we can best advice you, how long have you been married ? do you have any children together ?

-your wife should contact FB and let them know unauthorized pictures are being posted of her on their site.

-cease and desist letter from attorney

-wouldn't really worry about what your friends think, this guy sounds certifiable. who does this shit? he sounds desperate and crazy.

Should we just let it just run it's course, or be more proactive about it?

As for what the AP posts, maybe facebook can intervene. A talk with an attorney could lead to some action.

I think the more pressing question is what proactive actions are you taking to address her infidelity. and the trauma and fallout to your and your marriage? Buster makes some great suggestions. She will need to put a great deal of work in to addressing that broken part of her that allowed her to disregard boundaries. She will have to commit to showing empathy for your pain, listen to your questions, answer whatever and whenever you ask, do so without any defensive attitude, etc.

As a cheater she is also a liar and a manipulator. She became comfortable with those traits. She is not a safe partner for you and she will have to invest much work to show she can become safe again.

What are you demanding that she pro actively do to earn her way back?

[This message edited by DIFM at 5:20 AM, January 26th (Saturday)]

who does this shit?

Someone who believes they have a chance to reconnect

Or is still connected. Or believes he is trying to "save" her from OP.

OP I suggested you do some digging to make sure they are no longer in communication.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 8:51 AM, January 26th (Saturday)]

I agree with prissy4life. You better make sure this is not just a dormant affair. Many times affairs start again after the betrayed is lulled back to sleep. With you rugsweeeping her affair, how sure are you that they’re still not on contact.

You should have access to all her electronics and accounts. Demand that she give you a timeline of the affair.

You should also work on yourself to build up your confidence. Not only does your wife think you’re not worthy of respect, neither does this POS “friend”. This guy should be laying low out of fear for what you might do, not posting about being with your wife. By banging your wife, he showed what he thinks of you but to kick more sand in your face with no response is going to embolden him. Women respond to bold men.

Thank you all for your responses. Fortunately she has already sent a NC letter. Also, the AP no longer works with her. I have access to her email, phone, facebook. Naturally I'm still very suspicious whether or not she is in contact with him.

DIFM, you make a great point with your question about what am I demanding from her. I need to think about that one.

I appreciate all of your responses!

I want to defend my wife's honor because there are likely rumors being spread about them

Brother, as gently as I can...your wife did not behave honorably, and the fact that she had an affair with this guy is not a rumor being spread. She had an affair and people are talking about it. That is what happens when people find out about affairs.

Your wife made the decision to cheat. It's not up to you to save her from the fallout of her dishonorable actions. What is she doing to prove to you that she understands what she did, why she did it, and that she is working to change so she will never do that again?

As far as the Facebook posts go, I don't think there is much you can do to stop him. He's not breaking any laws, from what you have posted. You will have to ignore him until he moves on. Just keep in mind that your wife is the one who put herself in this position.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.

I agree with Gettingover; sad as it is to say, this is a totally foreseeable consequence of having an A. It's not slander or libelous if it's true, and, in this case, sounds like it is. I often think to myself when I see women send nudes or provocative pictures to married men I know, what the hell did you think was gonna happen? Yes, they show them around to their friends and sometimes even trade them along. But, again, this is a bit like a porn star getting mad that people look at nude pictures of her, I mean, what the heck did you think was gonna happen? My wife had this problem that I solved in another way, but, really, come on.. I mean, your in a relationship based on lies, subterfuge and theft. And now your mad that you're also being stolen from. The phrase "no honor among thieves" comes to mind.

Sorry you find yourself here. Worry about you, not her. She made her bed and now lies in it, unfortunately, that bed is too close to your bed and you can smell the stink. But the hurt party here is YOU, not her and not the AP. He's just behaving as a lot of APs would. You might be able to get the courts to stop it if it's graphic ("revenge porn" is actually illegal), but honestly, why bother? It's the Internet, once out there, there's no "taking it back". So, IMHO, concentrate on you and your wife, not the OM. He's going to do what APs do, which, as evidenced by his actions in the first place (having an A) aren't likely to be exactly driven by morality as the upmost tenant in his decision making process.

He's likely doing this to get you to break up with her so he can keep having sex with her. It's a standard operating procedure for getting a "side girl" all to yourself. Get you to leave her, she'll be lonely and feel low, and now he doesn't have to work around your schedule for access to your wife; just his. Perfect situation for him. Less so for your wife, but hey, once again, bed, made, lie.

Brother, as gently as I can...your wife did not behave honorably

Exactly. "Defend her honor"? That presumes she has honor to be defended.

Fair enough.

Fortunately she has already sent a NC letter. Also, the AP no longer works with her. I have access to her email, phone, facebook. Naturally I'm still very suspicious whether or not she is in contact with him.

Joe, a NC letter is standard step in ending the affair but I've read so many threads from WWs that did send a NC letter and find new employment but still found an alternate ways to take the affair further underground or basically lay low until things cool down.

As for having access to her gadgets and accounts, that's really good but you must be watchful for burner phones. Another thing is having a pre-planned meeting place with no communication between hookups. Sounds crazy but I've ready of married mothers willingly be an OMs on demand booty call.

You only found out because of his social media post. That should tell you she's very good at being a phony. Sneaking around to have sex with OM then coming home, looking you straight in the eyes like nothing happened.

Since this just happened, she may be experiencing depression from the breakup. Has she been distant? Moping around? I've read of so many WW complaining that they even are not present with their own kids. Constantly pining away for their OM. Hopefully that's not your case.

Also how was your relationship before, during, and after the affair? I'm talking about communication, affection, and sex levels? It's very common for a WW to cut her husband off sexually and to also be very cold and confrontational. Basically looking for any reason to argue so as to justify her willingness to betray you.

If this is truly over, you should insist on her going into IC to find out what's broken within her to break her vows. Don't rugsweep. If you do, you may be one of the many BHs who post in a year or 2 down with a you were right thread.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 12:44 PM, January 26th (Saturday)]

On one hand I want to defend my wife's honor

Curious, two people betray you, the AP has done nothing but call her beautiful etc..so exactly what honour are you defending?

Your wife is an adult, with responsiblities, there are consequences when you step outside the marriage. While you're defending her "honour", who's defending yours?

You're picking the wrong thing to fight. Your concern should be why your wife stepped out, your feelings about it and why she won't do it again.

Your problem is now that it's out there, she might say to hell with it and go with him..not talking about now but maybe later.

Totally agree with Gettingoveritall.

By the way, this AP is not dishonoring her. He is honoring her . . . as his girlfriend. FB will laugh at your requests for intervention. He is not breaking a single rule.

The only person you should be upset with is your WW. She should not have gotten herself a boyfriend. She dishonored you.

Thanks everyone, point taken.

Thanks everyone, point taken

I'm very sorry. I know how hard this is and how much it hurts. Our posts can seem callous, but most of us are coming from a place of wanting to save you from the kinds of self-delusion and spinning your wheels that a BS wants to do early on. It's like a betrayed mind wants to minimize or deflect or blame shift just like a WS mind wants to do when cheating. Seeing the truth hurts, but it's better to just face the pain head on.

I am sorry though. I remember the pain all too well. ((((joecardinals))))

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 2:18 PM, January 26th (Saturday)]

Thank you.

My worry are his actions. They are not healthy even for a cheater. He is baiting you. You need to be vigilant. I worry that he is going to ratchet this up.

Your wife might have promised the OM things that he now feels entitled to or even scarier, he is delusional. Sadly, that is all too prevalent in our society.

Take care and watch your back.

My worry are his actions. They are not healthy even for a cheater. He is baiting you. You need to be vigilant. I worry that he is going to ratchet this up.

Your wife might have promised the OM things that he now feels entitled to or even scarier, he is delusional. Sadly, that is all too prevalent in our society.

Take care and watch your back.

Your wayward wifes affair was bad enough. Her AP announcing it to the world has got to be over the top.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve it.

Unfortunately that's the position your wife has put you in.

I hope it doesn't get worse. It's hard to tell what all he has.

Do you know the length and depth of it?