SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know my participation here is sporadic. I am sorry. I read and lurk and have known I need to put myself out here but struggle with the anxiety of trying to put my feelings into coherent words in a meaningful way that is conducive to a productive conversation.

But, my BH's pain and my lack of progress is more hurtful than my anxiety and I must strike while the iron is hot.

So, here is what I currently need feedback and help on.

When my BH is sharing his feelings and pain and hurt, that I have caused because of my betrayals and actions, with me I used to freeze and panic and minimize. Then I tried what I thought was empathetic mode and I ask questions (that turn out to be asinine and not helpful) or I say what I think he must be feeling which is assumptive at best and hurtful and minimizing more. My BH is so good at this and I tried modeling after how he does it but it's not what he needs. He has said that it feels like I am pretending it's not me that hurt him, that I am talking about someone else and baffled by their decisions. That I am trying to be on his team united against the person who hurt him, but that person is me. So, I thought that route was further evidnce of me trying to "Fix" his feelings. That I was doing it wrong. I changed tactics. I stopped talking as much, listening, engage some but that was foolish and not healing. He just felt he was monologuing. Then I tried using that time to ask what he needs, what is helpful but that isn't useful or productive because it doesn't show me being proactive or that I am willing to take the lead on healing this shit show. So, now I'm so desperate to see what I am doing wrong and change and fix my behaviors that I find myself using those moments when he says "X was hurtful" to say, "I thought I doing X was the right thing that is helpful" MY intention is to see his point of view, I hear a need that he is expressing and i don't want to not internalize what he is saying and how I can acknowledge and respect that need. I know I am forgetful, and I know that I can't always take a concept and apply it widely across different circumstances, so I talk about it to cement it in my head so I won't do it again. To change my behavior, and I use that moment to process out to see how I was wrong so I can understand better how to apply it across different situations. And doing this just makes it about me, because now I have taken the conversation away from how he is feeling to me, what I did wrong, why I thought it was the right thing, which is just communicating defensiveness. I know a big part of this is learning to change the words I use to be more precise in my communication. I am trying to see and practice this. And the other big problem is that is exactly the wrong moment to try to process through my shit.

I have thought that I will instead write down the hurt or need he is expressing so I can not worry about forgetting it in a high emotional moment. I worry so much about forgetting that I think I forget a lot because of it. So, I'm thinking it's awkward but if I can take a moment to write it down then I can be more fully present. Then I can at a later more appropriate time pull apart what I did wrong and see how it applies to other situations and the change I need to make. I just thought of this today and I will try it and see if it works.

This however still leaves me with not knowing what to say. I operated for a long time thinking I needed to fix how BH was feeling, if I could find the right magic thing to say it would be all better. I realized that isn't true. And I believe I swung the other way to, there isn't a right thing to say so I'll focus on what I can change and do different, hence the current situation.

We had a rough week/weekend/month/years I dont' want to minimize. IT's been shitty for BH. I believe we have had good moments too but my inability, unwillingness? to make changes that matter has set us in so many starts and fits. This morning (maybe it was last night? I dont' remember for sure) I said I understood there isn't anything I Can say that will fix things or even make things better. And he said "of course there are things you can say and do that will make things better" and I realized that in my black and white thinking I had swung from trying to find the one magic right thing to, there is nothing that will help,

So, now, I've been asking myself all day, what is that thing, what does it look like? Why do I have to define it to find it? And in the meantime stuck thinking about this I employed more me trying to process and make sense when I Should have been present for BH and his emotions and feelings. Taking a deep breath.

Please help me, please help me see what this looks like, what I have missed, am missing. I will keep trying too.

This is all so scatter brained, I'm so sorry. I know it's hard to follow, but I know if I don't post it now that I will spend forever trying to make it "right" and not get anywhere.

I thank you in advance for reading and responding if you choose.

Oh boy, it was a bit scattered so i hope im addessing what you need.

I believe you just want to know in a very simple way what you can do to show empathy to your spouse.

First, and i apologize i have not read previous posts so i do not know your backstory, do you empathize with him? Your statements above are very detached and i understand you are anxious but to me it sounds more like you are anxious about whether you are doing it right. Im not judging, im just another imperfect person but am giving you my perception.

But assuming im wrong and you are truly empathetic what you can do is say repeatedly, i know you are hurting and its because of me and it destroys me to know ive done this to you. I never thought youd find out and never wanted you to be hurt. I love you and will never do anything to betray you again. This i know about myself without a doubt. I wish i had the comviction to know this before. Is there anything i can do to help you right now, i am here for you. Always.

Let me know if this rings well for you.

Best of luck.

Gently,it sounds as if you're checking things off a list,to see what "works." Like, you're throwing things at the wall, to see what sticks.

I think your husband can sense the same thing. What he needs is for you to really feel what this is like for him. To understand what this has done to him. He needs you to GET IT.

Instead of trying to figure out what you think he needs when he's upset/angry/shattered over your affair, listen to him,and respond instinctively, instead of faking it,because you think *that* is what he needs.

Hey there sunandstars,

It’s never too late to start posting. Everyone’s journey is unique to themselves. Some post more, some read more. Whatever you chose, I suggest going with what feels/is healthiest. In fact, that’s pretty much my mantra. You can put that Into terms of how an when to post here or with how to handle Moving forward with your BS. Healthy for both of you. You may not be good at this yet. Get better at it but be true to yourself. Yes you must be sensitive to your BS and his feelings and the pain you’ve caused but you must be true to yourself as well. Otherwise the chance of you two healing together to form something stronger or apart is unlikely. I guess I mean, react authentically to your BS but also with sensitivity. Your BS deserves to be able to say how he feels and you need to understand that nothing you can say to cure his pain other than being honest.

I also think that you may need to work on letting go of the outcome. Maybe you’ll work together to a strong marriage. Maybe you won’t. What will you do if you don’t work it through? What healthy choices will you need to make going forward? You don’t need a plan b but you do need ideas. Most importantly, whether married or not, who is sunandstars? What does sunandstars want for her future? Work on an independent, healthy goal that will better you. Make it a priority and work on the marriage one day at a time. Maybe you have always wanted to run a marathon. Start training. Or go back to school. Or work. An art class? Exercising? Something that is healthy and just for you. It’s a great way to avoid rumination and a nice time to use to process the journey.

I think you can do it. I believe in you! Start believing in yourself. :)

Also, t/j...

Hi hellfire!!!!

Hey Foenix! You seem to be doing better? I hope so.

I’m still swimming. ☺️😘

MySunandStars,

I can feel the fear and frustration in your post. I've had the same feelings...especially the feeling that I wasn't getting anything right.

Something that helped me a lot was to write a complete timeline of, not just the affair, but of my interactions with men during my entire relationship with my BS. This really helped me to organize my thoughts and also to be complete. I also wrote about all the ways I hurt my husband. That really helped me with empathy. It has helped me so much to read here also when it came to developing empathy. I shared the timeline and the list of ways I hurt him with my husband and he can see that I'm making an effort to "get it", that is to accept responsibility for my choices and actions.

One step at a time...I hope this helps. By the way, I cried my way through the writing.

BH here. Being in that moment t is hard.those emotions are raw and painful. Just a small suggestion; my WW, when I expresses my pain, would take that time to sincerely vaporize. "I caused this hurt and Im so sorry I hurt you so". She would grab my hand or hug me. Try and truly connect with me.

BS here.

I echo what hellfire says- We need to feel our WS gets it

I know that sounds so elusive and nondescript, but I think it manifests from the heart and not the head. From being able to acknowledge the hurt, the harm, and the hope for change. But it can’t be a recitation of that - it comes from within.

I want to hear I’m sorry

And

I know my affair caused irreparable harm to you.... that it’s caused you to lose trust not only in me, but in humankind. I know ive stolen your peace of mind, your masculinity, and your sense of safety in our M.

And

I am doing all I can to make me a better person a (wo)man of integrity, who is honest, and who puts forth their best self every day.

I want to be someone who faces life’s challenges - including the challenges brought on by my selfish choice to lie to you and break my vows.

I will do all I can to ease this immense burden I have so unfairly foisted upon you by my horrific behavior - I know my contributions are a pittance compared to the strength you have to find to just get through the day, but I want to help in any way I can - I will move mountains, even if it only eases your suffering for a moment

And- and here’s the kicker -

You must follow through. If BS says ice cream at 4am would help - you ask if he wants vanilla or fudge swirl. If BS says a timeline would help, you ask if you can leave his side to start working on it.

I agree with William. Just being there and making an apology as long as it is sincere will never be "wrong." He won't always show appreciation or give you positive feedback, but it will help him if that is your goal.

Thank you all for your responses.

@Amilliondreams: Yes, in a nutshell I am looking for ways to show empathy to my spouse. But, more specifically is how to determine/figure out what empathy looks like for him. Strangers on the internet can't answer that, but I hope some new ideas that we can have a conversation about will be helpful. I see that I am stuck in a feedback loop and need to get out of it. You are correct, I am anxious about doing it right, the wanting to do it right stems from knowing that every time I try something and it is not the right thing it is usually also hurtful and shows that I don't understand his experience and feelings. And the thought of hurting my BH more when what he needs is me to show I care is anxiety inducing. However, my communication skills are poor enough that what is communicated is just the anxiety as you can also clearly see. Thank you for your ideas and being willing to engage and talk about it. Maybe just engaging in talking here about it will help lower the anxiety so that my BH needs will be better heard and attended to.

@HellFireL 2x4 away. You are right on with the throwing things at the wall thought. My BH has expressed similar feelings. It feels like a reaction to realizing I allowed myself to sit paralyzed in inaction/fear and getting out of it has required a "JUST DO IT" attitude which isn't helpful when not accompanied by thoughtful, intentional words and actions that are in BH best interests and not just an activity to get me out of inaction (which is selfish). Thank you for your perspective, maybe my anxiety/fear acts as a self protective wall cutting me off from my heart and trying to get out of it and say what seems like the right thing, I imagine it must feel like I'm faking it and that is really hurtful.

@FoenixRising: Sensitivity, that is an attribute I need to grow. Thank you for this. I want to discuss the idea of being authentic, true to myself etc. I will start a new post about that.

@thatwilldo: Yes, fear and frustration and it's a destructive cocktail. Thank you for the recommendation about writing it out, I have done both those things. However not when my BH needed them. Reviewing them is a good idea and starting a conversation, bringing it up, sharing it with him if he wants, that's a good idea.

@WilliamM: Thank you for your comments. I believe I have tried this, I remember getting the feedback that it wasn't helpful, however we were in a little different place then. The spirit of this is definitely a place to operate from. My BH doesn't want to be touched in these moments, or for me to say I"m sorry. These are my default reactions, but my expert ability to go into a shame space when I say I'm sorry and make it about me is a big part of the problem, so I get why saying I"m sorry isn't helpful.

@gmc94: I have followed some of your posts, you are putting a lot of work into healing. I hope you are finding peace. Thank you for engaging and responding to my post. It does sound elusive and nondescript. And I know my logical side of my brain longs to make sense of it and put the pieces together in a way that I can store and make a part of me and I think I'm not accessing the intuitive parts of me when I Do that. Thank you for your thoughts. I know a timeline is something that my BH needed and I didn't provide it when he did and that has been really damaging.

@numbanddumb: Thank you for reminding me that sincerity is never "Wrong"

After writing and posting yesterday I felt a little more able to put the anxious feelings aside and revisiting it again today, reading what you have all said has been truly helpful. Thank you. I can see how engaging here through my anxiety will be good practice for me. Pushing through my anxiety and doing what needs to be done has been a hurdle for me that I most often convince myself I can't do. And I settle for just working through my anxiety, not acting out or reaching for validation during those times, and being grateful I put one step in front of the other for the day. But I am not satisfied with that. And I see how now pushing myself to work through it better and do what will be healing for BH and in his best interest is reflected in these conversations we have. Where I am afraid I have hurt him, I feel anxious, I want to see what I have done that is hurtful and I analyze it with my head because I can push the anxiety away enough to do that. And it's not enough, I need to engage my heart in those moments. And not in a weepy, sobby, woe is me kind of way. I know I have more to work on here. If there are more comments or feedback please add to it. In the meantime I am going to try to come at this a little different way, and not while I am feeling anxious so that I can be more attentive to the feelings and the meanings of my words.

[This message edited by MySunandStars at 5:57 PM, January 29th (Tuesday)]

Sorry again for the original post here.

@FeonixRising about authenticity.

I am not who I want to be. I am a cheater, a liar, a hider, a minimizer, selfish, emotional taker. There are more, but this is sufficient to get the gist. This is not who I want to be. I do not want to be the same person today that I was when I made choices and took actions that destroyed my relationship with BH. I am working on defining who it is I want to be. Not being something is not enough, yet it is where I have resided for too long. I have starts and fits working on becoming the person I want to be. I get discouraged, feel worry, fear, anxiety, sad, and have little self pity parties. This is hard, Wah. I need to tap into the higher part of myself in those moments. To be "authentic" to who I am in those moments is to fall back on habit and is contrary to my goals and who I want to become. Changing the way I act, react, talk, it feels and sounds forced and fake.

I am not yet the person who is able to put aside my anxiety in the moment and make room for my BH feelings and emotions. I want to be that person. Practicing being that person in the most crucial of high emotional moments is something I am failing at. This is really the gist of what I was getting at in my original post (I know it was atrocious). My thought process was, if I Can pinpoint what empathy looks and feels like for my BH, then maybe in those moments when I freeze and panic, and think of all the things I remember are not helpful. I can instead have something I can do/say that is empathetic, pulling myself out of myself, to interrupt the anxiety process and access my heart. But, the problem is there isn't a pat answer for this, I know that. And I know that saying or doing the same thing each time just becomes a new habit that isn't any better.

What do you do to access your heart in those moments? To access the best parts of yourself that you want to be, to interrupt the old coping mechanisms and useless/hurtful patterns.

Hi sun and stars! Way to come back. Way to follow through. Sounds like you’re having a smoother day. I’m glad.

I can relate to your feelings of confusement during conversations with a spouse. I have had this feeling many times and I’ve handled it by first talking about how sometimes I need to process things when we’re talking bc I want to respond appropriately so that I can become a better person to communicate for myself and for those I care about. I’m having trouble with this so I’m asking that if we get into a conversation and I’m uncomfortable and need to process before saying words I can’t take back, that I ask for a break to think on it.’

Take your time and process whatever you’ve curbed. Pull it apart. Write thoughts down. Share as you come to an enlightenment.

My other rule is, I don’t engage when I’m uncomfortable bc I know that I may say something acting on anxiety or sadness, or anger. I need to mean what I say, and say what I mean.

All of this is what I mean by being true to yourself and making healthy choices while also being respectful to your BS. You thinking in something before responding may not be what be your BS wants in that moment but in the long run its really in both your best interest. This is a tricky thing and you’re both trying to recover with the hope of reconciling. It’s going to take time. There is no quick easy fix. You should both have the right to process uncertainties with the plan to revisit and share reflections. This would be healthier and more authentic than trying to react in a way you think he wants you to.

You may never react or answer in a way that will comfort or heal him. But by taking time to figure out your own feelings about the topic, and responding in a way you can feel pride in, then you are being authentic.

Hey MSAS, good to "see" you back and posting. Please don't worry about your posting style, whether you are all over the place or that you don't post often. You do not need extra anxiety especially over that. The beauty of SI is that we get to use it in anyway that is helpful to us. Reading and lurking can be just as constructive as posting everyday three times a day. And I think is takes courage to put ourselves out there to be picked apart.

So, to get to your original post, and I do apologize this could get long and all over the place as well

If our BSs feel like we aren't owning it, how do you expect them to feel like we are getting it? And I promise you both are more noticeable to them than it is to us. Somehow something has caused your BH to feel like you aren't owning or getting it. That's what I take away from this quote.

He has said that it feels like I am pretending it's not me that hurt him, that I am talking about someone else and baffled by their decisions. That I am trying to be on his team united against the person who hurt him, but that person is me.

I've read countless threads in the R forum where I've seen our BSs say s[he's] finally got something. The relief they express over this is striking and the measures of safety restored is quite clear. This always led me to believe there was a very direct link between getting it and safety. Even to this day and really I'm not that far out BUT I think the most important thing I can give my H from now until forever is the feeling of being safe.

Even in this thread you have two BSs mention getting it. You cannot define "getting it" with a word or definition, there are many aspects to it and it's hard to teach because it's a determination that puts (what I believe) remorse into motion. So how does one "get it"? To be really short and to allow you room to think, my opinion, before you can get it first you gotta own it. Like really step into it and own the actions of the betrayal you committed. It's not easy to sit with those feelings/thoughts, not when you honestly feel remorse. Some of us have spent our entire lifetime running from shit feelings, avoiding them like the plague. We like our comfort and often use instant gratification to keep it at bay. And I don't know about you but the feelings that came with being confronted as a cheater and the pain I witnessed that my actions caused, I never felt lower in my life. It topped all the shittiness of shitty feelings combined in my life up to this point. And to have to start here? Well, it was challenging to say the least. It was suggested that I should start getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. As in learn to be okay with uncomfortable feelings, that they aren't going to hurt me and they aren't as scary as I've made them out to be my whole life.

I think by doing that (really owning it) I was able to see and hear my Hs pain better, as if I wasn't in his way or my own. There were things that he didn't even have to tell me to do, like HellFire said instincts. For example, I can obviously tell when my H is pain. So why wouldn't I tell him I see it and express that I want him to be open and honest about it with me. I am fully aware that he could end up more pissed than before, and that it could be hurtful to hear so now I could end up with shit emotions that I'll have to deal with, alone. It's just a risk I'm willing to take because it is something he needs to heal. Getting it isn't just about understanding the depths of their pain, if that isn't so obvious already. It's not about trying to take on what they feel, we can NEVER achieve that. IMO it has so much more to do with our understanding of what safety means to them and how to create more of that.

Then I tried using that time to ask what he needs, what is helpful but that isn't useful or productive because it doesn't show me being proactive or that I am willing to take the lead on healing this shit show.

I don't think doing this is altogether a terrible thing, I guess it's just the timing? Do you think if later after a conversation that you approach him at your own will to say, "hey, I just want to check in and see if there is anything you are needing from me at the moment, how can I help you better?" That he would see that as proactive? I think too if you separate the conversations, you are better able to take in the info he gives you. I found that my BHs needs changed often and what was working yesterday didn't help today, but very well could help tomorrow. Being proactive to me means that I'm on top of shit before it reaches a point that I have hurt him again. That was literally the last. damn. thing. on earth that I wanted to do, cause more hurt. But we don't know what we don't know, right? Sometimes I didn't know hour to hour what to give him or where he was on the roller coaster. I had to inquire often. It's like for some bringing up the A on our own accord is helpful, this can be too. And when you do it as its own conversation, you wont be taking anything away from him in his time of need to express his pain.

I do have a rather important question I want to ask you. You do not need to answer here, just something to think about. How is it you can forget so easily the hurts and needs he expresses? Even in the most emotional conversations I've had with my H, when he said "that hurt/I need" it stood out like a beacon. You couldn't brainwash that shit out of my head if you tried. Perhaps you aren't entering the conversation with the right state of mind? Or you don't know how to be a good listener? If you can't remember, you aren't really hearing him. And look I get it, sometimes our BSs come at us with a lot at once, sometimes it's all over the place and sometimes you have to be able to read between the lines. These conversations aren't easy and sometimes my mind is racing trying to figure it all out. I found though there is always a take away, a central idea if you will.

This however still leaves me with not knowing what to say.

I think we all struggle with this. It's much like what do you say to someone who has lost a loved one. You can't bring them back, sorry doesn't help, no single word or strung along words will stop their pain, ya know? You just gotta let them grieve. It's okay to not know what to say, but you show up when they need you. You show up humbly with compassion, understanding, and speak from the heart when it tells you what you are feeling for their tragedy. And most importantly it doesn't have to be perfect. I am a deep thinker and I feel even deeper, I cannot articulate myself in ways that live up to what I am thinking and feeling. No matter how hard I try it NEVER comes out the way I intend for it to. It is even worse when times are intense. It's like a circuit board going haywire. I remember asking my H many times to have patience with me as I try to express myself, or to not take my first thought and write it in stone, allowing for clarifications and corrections if need be. These are hard conversations to have with our BSs and if I haven't perfected the art of conversation before, it's not going to be any better now. But I think a clear message was being sent, the act of trying spoke louder than my fumbled words.

So, now, I've been asking myself all day, what is that thing, what does it look like? Why do I have to define it to find it?

Because it's more comfortable to be in the know than the "un-know". The first scariest conclusion I came to in all of this was that I really didn't know WTF to do to make it all better, that there was no magic fix and worse even if I did know, it had no baring on how it would end for us. When I let that fear go it opened up space to allow myself to be more authentic, vulnerable, and take "risks" in this situation. At the most basic level, I stopped overthinking it.

in a nutshell I am looking for ways to show empathy to my spouse. But, more specifically is how to determine/figure out what empathy looks like for him.

Changing your focus from "showing empathy" to learning to "feel empathy" is key, because when someone is hurting, they are not worried about what empathy "looks like", they want to "feel it" - to know that they are understood, to have someone be able to sit with them in their pain, and feel compassion for their suffering.

Daniel Goleman is a psychologist and author whose work focuses on emotional intelligence. Here is an excerpt from an article he wrote about the importance of sincere empathy:

It is possible to pretend that you understand people’s feelings and, more particularly, their concerns. Sales staff often do this to try to establish rapport with customers.

However, as humans we are programmed to detect and dislike insincerity.

Your pretence, it is fair to say, will be detected by those around you, probably through subtle hints in your body language, or perhaps in a response to an unexpected question.

The other person may not even be aware of detecting it, but will feel uncomfortable with the conversation that you have tried to strike up, or with what you are saying, and find that they do not really trust you.

In other words, this ‘false empathy’ will be counter-productive.

Trying to manipulate emotions can backfire on the perpetrator, and may well not be worthwhile. Those who are genuinely empathetic will get a very different response.

As you can see, your BH will instinctively know if your empathy is genuine and sincere. And, based on his responses that you've described in your post, he knows you are not coming from a place of real empathy.

So how do you get to that place?

There are a couple articles that I think may help you with developing your ability to truly feel empathy for your BH:

The first one talks about the barriers to empathy and how to start overcoming them.

THE FIVE REASONS WE DON’T GIVE EMPATHY

By Dr. Kelly Flanagan

I think there are at least five fatal barriers to establishing empathy in our intimate relationships:

1. I don’t want to go first. In any relationship, both members need empathy. But at any given moment, empathy is unidirectional — it can only flow in one direction at a time. Which means someone has to go first. Someone has to be willing to meet the needs of the other, before their own needs are met.

2. I don’t agree with you. Empathy requires us to place ourselves in another person’s shoes, to allow our hearts to beat to the rhythm of theirs. We often fundamentally disagree with their perspective, and so we are tempted to debate them intellectually, rather than join them emotionally.

3. What if I get it wrong? When we try to place ourselves squarely inside of someone else’s emotional landscape, it can be a little scary. It’s unfamiliar territory. They are inviting us in, but what if we get it all wrong? Empathy can be terrifying if we have any perfectionism within us.

4. I don’t want to feel that. On the other hand, you might know exactly what your partner is feeling. It may bring up thoughts and feelings in you that you would prefer to avoid. If we don’t want to feel our own sadness, we won’t want to feel sadness on behalf of the person we love.

5. It’s not my job to fix you. We confuse empathy with “fixing.” We think we have to do something to take the emotion away, and we don’t want to be put on that hot-seat. Or some of us will have the opposite reaction: I’m going to fix you. But this undermines our ability to provide empathy, as well. Because empathy is not fixing. Empathy is joining.

CLIMBING THE BARRIERS

If we want to give empathy in our relationships, we will have to sacrifice some values we hold dear:

We will have to be willing to lose, because it will feel like losing. It will feel like our partner’s needs are being met before our own. But there is no other way.

We will have to put aside all of our intellectual debates. Empathy is not a matter of deciding who is right and wrong. It is simply a matter of finding an emotional common ground.

We have to be willing to get it wrong, because we will get it wrong. Empathy is messy. There are no three-easy-steps to accurately understanding the person we love. We have to be okay when our partner tells us we’re not getting it. And then we have to try again.

We need to embrace our discomfort, because empathy will take us into some uncomfortable place within ourselves. If we are unwilling to go there, we need to quit talking to our spouse and start talking to a therapist of our own.

And we have to quit trying to fix things. There will be a time for that later. For now, empathy is about connecting within an experience, not making the experience go away.

The second article kind of expands upon the first a bit...

Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner’s Feelings

by Kyle Benson (for the Gottman Institute blog)

Note: I've edited it to take out parts that are not needed or wouldn't make sense for this post

One of our deepest needs as humans is to feel understood, and true understanding is not possible without empathy. As psychologist Carl Rogers put it, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good!”

Think back to a time when you were listened to and really felt heard. How did it feel to be seen as you were?

Empathy is the willingness to feel with your partner. To understand their inner world.

This critical skill is key to reaching resolution in conflict conversations. During conflict is also when empathy is most difficult. To empathize with your partner when their hurt feelings are a result of something you said or did without defending yourself requires skill and practice.

Couples that have mastered empathy tell me “it’s like a light switch has been turned on in their relationship” and their cycles of conflict drastically change. This is because partners stop defending their positions and instead seek to understand each other. They become a team against the conflict.

Stop trying to fix your partner

Empathy is easy when our partner is happy. It’s more difficult to empathize when our partner is hurting, angry, or sad. As Marshall Rosenberg says in Nonviolent Communication, “It may be difficult to empathize with those who are closest to us.” Since we care about them, we try to help minimize their feelings because we know that they are difficult, but sympathizing can be damaging despite positive intentions.

Empathy is putting yourself in the shoes of the person you love. Sympathy is feeling compassion, sorrow, or pity without experiencing their feelings with them. Brené Brown’s description of sympathy as trying to paint a silver-lining around pain is a very common response.

“Well, it could be worse…”

“I think you should…”

“This could turn into a positive experience for you if you just…”

The problem with this kind of response is that it invalidates the other person. I know when others have tried to “fix” my feelings, I’ve ended up resenting them because it made me feel foolish for feeling that way in the first place.

Below are four skills to improve your ability and willingness to empathize.

1. Listen without judgment.

Empathy is only possible when you have removed all preconceived ideas and judgments about your partner’s feelings and needs. When you assume responsibility for your partner’s feelings or take messages personally, you’re blaming and judging. Judgment of your partner’s experience is an attempt to protect yourself.

To empathize with your partner at a level that creates healing and brings you closer demands your full focus on your partner’s message. To do this, practice the art of non-defensive listening and focus on being curious about your partner’s feelings.

“Empathy lies in our ability to be [fully] present.” – Marshall Rosenberg

2. Look for feelings.

It’s easy to get swept away in the facts of what happened during the heat of a conflict discussion. This is where couples get stuck. They argue over who is “right,” and yet both views are valid. Being “rational” about the facts inhibits empathy because it invalidates emotions.

This is why Dr. Gottman suggests concentrating on what your partner is feeling. Listen to what they need.

3. Climb into the hole.

When you listen for your partner’s feelings with your whole being, it becomes a lot easier to understand their perspective. I related to the visual Brené Brown paints of a hurt partner being down in a dark hole, because I know when I am feeling sad or upset, I feel like I’m alone in a pit of pain.

What I really crave in these moments is not for someone to throw a rope down, but for someone to climb into the hole with me. To feel what I feel.

Dr. Gottman refers to empathy as a mind meld. To attune to your partner requires the ability to experience their feelings on such a level that that you almost become your partner. Empathy is so deeply connecting that it’s physical.

This is why Brené Brown says empathy is vulnerable. To attune to your partner’s difficult feelings requires you to connect with that feeling within yourself.

If you’re having trouble climbing into the hole with your partner, start by being curious about what they’re feeling. Ask questions to help you understand why they are feeling that way. This will make it easier for you to empathize with their experience.

4. Summarize and validate.

... you’ll get a chance to summarize what you heard. When doing this, express that you respect your partner’s perspectives and feelings as natural and valid, even if they’re different from your own. Instead of saying, “You want me to be at home more during the week because if I’m not, it makes you feel like I don’t value you” you can say, “It makes sense to me that you want me home more nights of the week.” Other empathizing statements include “Of course you feel…” and “How could you not feel…”

Validating your partner’s perspective doesn’t require you to abandon your own. Empathizing shows that you understand why they have those feelings and needs.

Dr. Gottman explains that “validation is such a fundamental component of attunement that summarizing without it is like having sex without love.”

Behind every complaint is a deep personal longing. When you realize this, it becomes a lot easier to make the choice to be empathetic instead of taking your partner’s complaint personally and defending yourself.

Empathy takes practice.

Instead of trying to change or fix the feelings of the person you love, focus on connecting with them. As Brené Brown puts it, “rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.”

Empathy is an emotional skill that requires you to be able to accurately identify and understand emotions, both in yourself and in others. To do that you're going to want to develop emotional intelligence and emotional competency.

If you Google "emotional intelligence skills", you'll find a lot of great stuff to get you started.

As to emotional competency, here is a mod-approved link to what I have found to be the most thorough and helpful website on the subject:

http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/recognizing.htm

Another important aspect for developing empathy is being able to regulate your own emotions. This is going to require you to develop a great deal of self-awareness, as well as mindfulness. If you are unfamiliar with the concept of mindfulness I recommend checking out the works of Pema Chodron. I have a number of mod-approved links to her YouTube videos in my profile that you may want to check out. I think that you will find her videos (as well as her books) are incredibly helpful for developing more self-awareness as well.

Finally - empathy cannot develop when shame is present. Shame blocks our ability to connect empathically with others. It leads to self-pity and causes us to turn inward and away. Healthy guilt, on the other hand, keeps us striving to improve, and has a positive correlation with the capacity for empathy.

Developing self-compassion is important as well. When you are able to feel compassion for yourself it makes it much easier to feel genuine compassion and empathy for others.

I highly recommend the works of Brene Brown and Kristin Neff to address these things. You will find mod-approved links to some of their videos in my profile, as well as a list of their books.

I apologize for the incredibly long-winded response. I hope you find it helpful and don't get yourself overwhelmed by all of the information. It's a lot to take in, I know.

THANK you for your thoughts and sharing of your experience and wisdom. I need to read and reread this and process. I will be back tomorrow to respond.

Thank you!

in a meaningful way that is conducive to a productive conversation.

Sometimes when discussing the pain and anger a person feels it will not be that. So, accept that. It is expression and the other persons part of trying to express their pain. It doesn't need solved or an outcome. Just listen. Just try to be part of that communication and intimacy.

He has said that it feels like I am pretending it's not me that hurt him, that I am talking about someone else and baffled by their decisions.

If that is how he feels, that is probably what you are doing. You aren't owning who you became. Have you? What do you say to yourself? Do you say. No that isn't me that isn't who I am? I will never do that again. He isn't ready for that. He probably wants to hear you say, yes I was this. I was a bad person. I am going to everything to no longer be that person and then follow through with actions. Talk is nothing and BS if you don't follow through. What he thinks and feels about you is his reality.. Are you denying him that? Which in part is my issues with Brene BTW. I clearly see you don't want to be that person and you don't want it to define you, but have admitted to him that you were that? That it did define you at one time? Because it is clear to me from what he is saying, you haven't. A BS is never going to rest or trust you, if you can't trust yourself to face and OWN who you did become. And who you became without the self pity part. Without expecting him to argue you were otherwise as well. Which many WS tend to do and not notice it. Expecting others to argue against their self defeat to get validation. Just simply put. I was what you thought and feel. I may still be. I am working on not being that and sometimes it will not be enough. I will do better. I am going to beat this and I will be safe for you. You can't become vulnerable and truthful while still trying to control the outcome. It doesn't work and will never work. You have to let go. You can attempt to be sensitive when you communicate, but sometimes the truth is just painful. Stop running from the pain and learn how to cope with it.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 12:01 PM, February 1st (Friday)]

I think you have had some good advice already. I have a couple of questions/additions:

I don't mean to sound condescending, this is a genuine question - Have you been checked for ADHD? There are a lot of grown people who have it and don't know. If you usually have a hard time focusing and it seems like you have to watch that focus as closely as what is happening around you, there could be things that need to be addressed there that you will not be able to improve on your own.

The reason I thought maybe ADHD is because it sounds like there is a lot of background noise going on (am I reacting right? I should write this down. Oh look a squirrel) I would talk to a doctor about what you are experiencing because it could be something like ADHD or it could be something adjacent to it.

I do relate a lot to being in my head a lot and sometimes not in my heart enough so it might be old fashioned perfectionism. If so, is there a way that you can work through the broader issues that are interfering with your ability to communicate?

I think the tendency of explaining yourself is a natural go to for most people. They don't mean to make it about them, but they do. There are books on better communication out there, maybe there could be some tips there for you in how to manage that. IC or MC can provide exercises to practice.

It reads to me like you deeply want to connect but there are more barriers in place than just in a typical WS/BS situation that's why I would probably make my first step to talk to a medical professional to rule anything out. There are other supplements such as CBT oil that can help with focus. Yoga and meditation may help you with mindfulness and being present. Are you like this in all your other tasks, you start doing one thing and go on to another without finishing?

I’m 6 years out and I’ve been where you are. I think my best advice to you is to stop trying to control the outcome. It really doesn’t matter what you do you’re still going to have to go through this. There are no quick fixes, no shortcuts, no cures. Keep talking. Keep trying. Keep bettering yourself. Don’t quit. Ever.

Edit: I agree with the possibility of ADHD. I found out I am bipolar during R. Meds changed my life. Go get checked out.

[This message edited by Root at 7:42 AM, February 2nd (Saturday)]