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@Zug: thank you for the reminder to make sure I am filling my bucket. Right now I am doing okay in that area, but it’s a good reminder to keep an eye on it.

@foreverlabeled: Good luck with the conversation. You got this! It’s funny how just writing it out can help, I have experienced that before as well. It’s weird but also comforting in a way. I would love to hear how it goes for you. Thank you for talking about how it’s something you still face, while it’s nice to believe that the goal is to get to a place where I don’t feel fear, I think it’s a situation where I have to let go of that as a goal or ideal. It’s a lifestyle change not a destination.

Thank you FL and Zug for your comments. I know this step is where I am stuck and have to figure it out. I have gone back and forth between the exposure therapy type of idea and powering through it and figuring out how to put it aside. I’m not sure yet, maybe it’s situational too, they are all tools to have in my tool belt. Just having a plan makes it feel a bit more doable, knowing you that I might be able to see which step is it working or needs to be adjusted. I will think on this, how to implement, and adjust as is helpful. Thank you.

exposure therapy type of idea

that is it! It is easier do as you build up your self confidence. You can do that by taking pride that you took the harder path. By doing the bucket list. By taking on responsibility without expecting something in return (IDK about that one because that seems to be more of a WH thing). Generally just feeling good to begin with.

I would love to hear how it goes for you.

Well my friend, I didn't have the conversation. Of course I have my excuses for not going there today but it still doesn't mean it won't happen. I actually had THE perfect segue way and still convinced myself the timing wasn't right. I'm afraid of being told no then feeling stupid. That's what my fear is.. feeling stupid isn't that stupid itself

All fears are stupid. But knowing that doesn’t make them go away. You’ll get there. Sounds like you’re having a pretty difficult time right now. Please take care.

MSAS

You are working so hard on you, i admire that.

You sound so much my WH. He forgets, he tends to miss the mark, he so desperately wants to fix everything that he can’t think. He is also not a strong communicator and sometimes he doesn’t listen for meaning.

There have been a few moments where I have felt that he was fully authentic and understood. At those times he was empathetic but he was also vulnerable. When you Can Be both of these things you will be truly connecting with your husband.

I think if you own your actions, you will feel less anxious with him, if he feels this will be more open.

My WH becomes anxious and afraid of making a mistake and then it all goes wrong from there. It is better simply to say I don’t know how to say this, maybe you could help me but this is what I am trying to say. We already know you’re not perfect so don’t worry. Authenticity really is the key.

One of the things my husband does wrong is he often turns things around and makes it about him. when I am hurting because of what he’s done this is the last thing I want to hear.

I also find that my WH is so afraid of making things worse so he does nothing. This is really the worst thing you can do because it’s signals that you’re too afraid to put yourself out there to help me.

You will get there, it sounds like your husband does want your M to work, it’s just a long tough journey. You’re on your way

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:45 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

@Tallgirl: your kind words are appreciated. But I do feel like I must correct you. What you don’t hear and see are all the times I still get it wrong. And the pain my BH is still in constantly. I know I am making progress, and I do often fear it’s too little too late. And that my progress is pittance compared to the leaps and bounds my BH has worked. The discrepancy is part is the problem.

Thank you for your suggestions, it is truly helpful to be able to hear your point of view about how your husband actions/inactions affect you. As my actions/inactions are quite similar. I hope your WH makes progress, and that you find the healing you need.

Update is, I feel I have kept my fear in check for going on 5 days, and that feels good. However I remember thinking before that I had my fear in check and I am not sure I fully did, and the confidence I was starting to feel led to not being vigilant enough to keep it that way. So, I am working to be aware of both how I might not have it in check and how to keep it there. Right now it is more of an exposure therapy model, facing myself and my fears everyday.

And working on defensiveness. It’s like my native language. I communicate with it even when I don’t think I feel it. But that must mean that I have more to dig out.