Are you divorcing or reconciling? You both have to be all in and ready for a damn bumpy ride if you choose to work on the marriage.
I'm sorry you know this pain, too.
We're separating. I tried for months to see if this is something I could work past, but no. I don't feel safe at all, I can't find any peace, I just feel rage and sadness and on alert at all times. I can't live like that. I don't trust him and I know I never will again.
I gave him months to see if he was going to dig in & do the necessary work, but he hasn't. He told me he thought we could just move on since it's all in the past now. He doesn't SEE my pain or my perspective at all.
This has been an issue our whole marriage.
Since he isn't willing to put in the work, there isn't anything else I can do. He says he wants this, but he isn't doing the necessary things to show he wants it. He just thinks "Wow, I'm glad that's all over. Cool, let's move on now!" It blows my mind.
I recommend you read living and loving after betrayal, by Dr. Stosny.
I have read this one! It was so good and helpful I'm actually reading it again right now. He says it's important to heal without your betrayer first, and I think he's right. I just can't find a way to feel safe with my WH here (which makes sense because he is the source of my pain!).
I had a slow awakening to the truth, it came in ugly waves and I'm trying to believe the storm is over and that I can ever know a person with any certainty again in my life. I have a lot of intrusive thoughts,
Same here. I'm having a hard time with the fact that you never really know someone. I'm just hanging on to the knowledge that there have to be others out there like me who want to build an honest, happy life.
He wants to keep loving me and for me to keep loving him, but we both have come close to giving up in year three. This phase is very hard. Realization is setting in, acceptance is necessary but I'm still resistant to accepting that which I don't fully understand.
That's something I've been working consciously on. Accepting reality. Not what I wanted, or hoped, or thought, but what actually is. When I face that, I see that my WH does not care about me and never did, no matter what he says.
Cheating and lying (and everything that comes with it) isn't love. That's been so hard for me to face because it means he not only doesn't love me, but he didn't even care about what this would do to our kids. That's scary, honestly. Everything I do is with my kids in mind. If he didn't care about their wellbeing, or safety, or their mother (me), I just can't see continuing with someone like that. I don't feel like I'd be setting a good example for my kids, and I can't live a happy, authentic life like that.
Facing the reality is HARD though! I want to believe my WH didn't mean any of it, that he really does love me, that we can work this out together, that somehow I can be better and he'll want to invest in us. But it just isn't so.
I figure if we separate and I get the space to have peace and work on myself and begin to heal, and if he does the same and truly grows and changes, maybe we have a chance in the future (although I honestly don't think I'd want it at that point).
Do you go through his phone?
I haven't in a while now, but I used to when we were in false R. I never went through his phone before that, and now I wish so badly I had. All I had to do was look all these years, but I trusted him and didn't want to be that kind of person. Looking at his phone while we were in false R is how I found out about the woman from the LTA.
I would look at his phone, comb through our phone records, match things up, look people up, ask him who people are, etc etc. Just on constant alert and in detective mode. I know you can relate. It was not good for me and I didn't want to keep living like that.
He's a good liar and became an expert at covering his tracks. I know he can do things I'd never know about and lie straight to my face.
I am working on understanding me, finding a way to move forward with peace, focusing on my core values and settling for none of the bullshit that colored our lives during and after his cheating. I wish you luck. This place is a blessing and a curse and the best refuge you are likely to find in the lonely parts of your journey. It is longer than you want it to be, and is a test of your patience and your character. Stay strong.
Thank you, and right back at you. What a shitty place for us all to be, but I'm glad to have others to talk to who know what it's like.