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I Can Relate :
Long Term Affairs Part 39

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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 12:31 AM on Saturday, March 26th, 2022

Hi WILA

I before I unpack your response, a few thoughts. my only qualification is that I have been through some of this stuff and I had a husband with some similarities.

I want say that you are a kickass woman that I have nothing but admiration for. And you did not deserve this.

So, two questions are - who are you? And, who do you want to be? These questions are important as you proceed on this difficult journey.

To respond to some of your points.

what good talking about my H's inability to talk to me will get me

Talking to someone will help you figure out what to do with his lack of ability to take accountability for his actions. He wants to rugsweep. He says that he wants to move forward but on his terms. Avoiding is not moving forward. He is a coward, he just doesn’t know it.

how I can't feel that he is invested in or choosing this relationship? How can I take him seriously when he wants to take the Oops I made a mistake, it's all good now approach? How can I find him worthy of what I am offering?

He is not invested, at least not yet. Watch his actions and behaviour. Nothing in your post shows that he is willing to do any real work. Words are cheap. He is a business man, accountability is something he understands. Think of it in terms of a RACI, role of a husband, support and love your wife, the capability is trustworthiness. He did not do his job. He did not make an oops, he made a choice everyday for 9 years to continue his affair. Choice. His choice. And every day for 9 years he kept it a secret. He lied to you for nearly a decade.

I need to understand what went wrong, and get to the nut of his reasons. He has only given me one, that my parenting style

I know the why is really important at the start, it is actually more important for him to know why so he can make better choices. the why he gave you is a symptom. He felt like a failure as a parent, you were good at it. He wasn’t. This you can’t fix, and he has to reconcile with it. This reason should be rejected, it is irrelevant. You are a better parent, so I had sex with this woman for 9 years - no one says this ever. Maybe he didn’t feel like the father or the man, this is his issue. Maybe he had a bad childhood, again his issue. He needs counselling. He is showing that he is emotionally immature.

So I am left with the one thing I tried to do right and do better for my family cost me my marriage? I'm not sure I can live with that or let that go. I need him to understand that our parenting disagreements was the excuse he used to cheat when he was actually having a mid life crisis and dealing with some financial problems he created with investments I did not support.

Please tell me that you know being a good mom is the right thing. And you know that your loving and protecting your kids is not the reason he cheated. This man does not like to be wrong. Not sure if he feels shame, or less of a man, or like a failure… parenting is not the reason he cheated. how he chose to deal with his feeling is. He chose this. He could of partnered with you, but he didn’t nor could he get past his own issues. His problems. You own NONE of this.

I look back at all of this with utter confusion and now, growing resentment of my own. My life doesn't make sense anymore now that the data set has been revised. I asked him what I was supposed to do with my resentments and unmet needs now? What about all the fun I missed out on while he played behind my back? Write it off like bad debt?

Sweetie, your life does make sense, his choices do not. Life is not a data set, it is messy, wonderful, hard, and has awesome calories. You have done great things, a business, kids, and I am sure there is a lot more. Please don’t look at your life as lost, nonsensical. Yes it may feel that way, but you have made a difference. Tell us your resentments, put them out there in the universe, put them on the table so they can be assessed, dealt with and put somewhere so that they no longer eat you up. You have done a lot, go have some fun. Without him. Do something for you, love yourself.

Maybe what's happening is me pushing back against feeling controlled.

How are you going to take your power back?

He blames me for being broken, not himself for breaking me. In the heat of an argument I said I'm trying to recover from what you did to me. He was livid, and yelled WHAT I DID TO YOU??? He does not own that he is responsible for how I am now, he said he didn't think I would take this so badly, or be so hurt. By a nine year affair? Gaslighting, rugsweeping, allowing the MOW to fill me with more lies? Really?

so what would he do if you had had the 9 year affair? This man is not living in the real world, he refuses to grow up and be accountable for his choices. This is super typical, read my profile and the shit my ex did. He too is afraid, and cowardly. My ex responded with anger when he felt he wasn’t getting the respect he deserved, or if he didn’t feel validated. This feels similar. Our mc told him my ex that he was a coward often. And that He heard what he wanted. In many sessions, the Mc asked, what did your wife say? He got it wrong for months. Your husband isn’t seeing or hearing you. You can’t talk to him, what is the point?

Ugh I'm venting and whining here because there is no easy solution, only really hard choices. The kind you have had to make. I wonder how did you decide what you had was not worth saving? Was there not enough love to make it worth trying? We have lots of love, but one of us doesn't have compassion or integrity and is telling me now that the healing that is important to me is not important to him. Literally the words out of his mouth, repeated for emphasis. It is not important to me. You are and our future is, but nothing about the past matters.

It is ok to vent, better to get it out. None of this is easy, none of it.

I had not been happy for years but I was too busy to notice. I stuck my head in the sand, and pretended he loved me and that we could fix our marriage. Love conquers all. We did not have a lot of happy years in the bank. After he confessed the first time, my knee jerk reaction was to save the marriage, he was mine. So I believed him when he said that he ended it. He didn’t want to talk about the affair. He got angry every time I raised the affair topic even punched the wall once and he threatened suicide - not the first time. I did pick me dance, I trusted him (stupid I know now). I was on this site, people told me he was still cheating which he was. One night I asked him if he was really committed to R, his answer was that he didn’t want to be married. It was not the first time he had said this either. Later That weekend, he called me (I went to see family) and decided to tell all. Omg, it was awful. So 1 year later after me not getting over it, I found out that he didn’t tell me all, he lied by omission. I insisted he move out. I felt better. He hung around, after a bit of back and forth, finally I saw that he was not the man I thought he was, and that I didn’t really like or admire him.

I have moments of regret, but I sincerely don’t miss him often, I am happier now than I was before. When I was married, I’d often rock myself to sleep. Being in a lonely marriage is harder than being alone.

Do I just let go and pursue separation, hoping either he finds his way to maturity in handling this, or I grow enough to be ok without him in my life?

Maybe. It seems unlikely to be successful, it is not working for you now. I read often that couples who rug sweep experience issues in the future - repeat cheating or significant resentment. He won’t find the maturity, he isn’t remorseful. He isn’t even trying. Words are cheap, watch his actions. Your girlfriend is right. My ex was at least remorseful and he did some work.

So tell me Tallgirl, does the benefit of breaking away offset what is hard? Does the sadness just shift to a different level that is more manageable because it has clear borders now?

I can only speak for me.

Yes.

Here is why. ….

My husband was selfish, often mean to me, and hurt my kids with his betrayal. he chose to spend hours away from his kids for a prostitute. 5 years. They needed him.

I no longer cry myself to sleep multiple times a week.

I didn’t have a loving marriage, But one where I often felt hated. That is all gone.

Yes I am alone, but being alone in a marriage is much worse, I know that far too well.

And, I have the respect and love of my kids, that means everything. He does not.

So WILA I have one more question, can you be the person you want to be if you are married to your husband?

I rarely type such a long response, mostly because I hate typing on my IPad. Apologies for the errors that are here. I felt that you deserved validation, maybe to hear a bit of my story and to be assured that you deserve more than what your husband is offering right now.

You have been heard and you are so so worthy. Own your future.

Like you I am an analytical driven business woman, not some silly twit on an infidelity site that doesn’t know what she is talking about. There are many brilliant people here, your husband should be smarter.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 7:38 AM, Sunday, March 27th]

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1953   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8725944
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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 5:34 PM on Sunday, March 27th, 2022

Tallgirl,

Thank you so much for taking the time to talk through this with me and offer your insight and support. I have so much to think about and work through, but I know it is past time to focus on healing and moving forward instead of answers and understanding. If I can focus on myself without defaulting to me = us, and work through and let go of the anger and frustrations, maybe the path forward will reveal itself with clarity. It's the inbetween part that is so confusing, and the wishing for the outcome I wanted instead of the one I got. I realized reading your response that I have been so hung up on my needing him to do things to make me feel safe, when I am the only one truly in charge of my safety. And thanks for the coward insight, I always saw it as stubborn or uncaring, but I can see now that it is cowardly to refuse to face your choices and their outcomes. I am many things but a coward was never on the list. It's an interesting reframing of how I view his actions, part of the emotionally immaturity that let all this happen as it did, and it helps somehow.

I did a lot of what you did too, the head down, keep plodding, believing things were ok and we were good as a couple, and a family unit. There were signs, I wasn't able to handle what they were pointing too, during his cheating and his horrible false reconciliation. I have to own that I chose to believe a known liar in the face of evidence to the contrary, because of love and hope and fear of loss. I don't think I could ever be that version of myself again.

The who I am part is so confusing, because I've started to change in ways I don't recognize. I need to realize the setbacks are temporary, and I do get to choose how I live my life and who I want to be. Thanks for the really important reminder. There's so much loss here, the relationship I thought we had, the life I thought I was living, and then the loss of myself and maybe my self respect for a while. There's a lot left worth appreciating and celebrating about my life and I'm going to keep trying to focus on that now. And thanks for the reminder that I was the best mom I knew how to be, and I never let selfishness drive any of the choices I made as a parent, only love. I did my best and that is all I need to understand about that.

As to your last question, no, I can't be the version of myself I can respect if I stay in this marriage as it stands. I kept holding out hope he would have an epiphany or at least a slow coming around and be the man he needs to be to earn his place back in my heart. We are about to hit year four of the MOW slinking away, and the clock is running out, if it hasn't already.

Best to you on your journey, and I hope the alone part gets easier for you, and maybe if you choose, in time you end up not so alone after all.

BW: 62 WH: 62 Both 57 on Dday, M 35 years, 2 grown kids. WH had 9 year A with MOW, 7 month false R, multiple DDays, years of trickle truth.
I got rid of her with one email. Reconciling, but the lies have piled up. Trying one more time, again.

posts: 384   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8726213
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 6:43 PM on Sunday, March 27th, 2022

Just one more thing to share. I identified as a mom, a business person, and his wife for the last 30 years. Not as Tallgirl. When I found out about his cheating I felt my identity had been ripped away. I had tried so hard to be what he needed for so long - I put myself on the back burner. I lost me. I felt he stole years of my life. He didn’t. I gave them, he was a bad investment.

I felt so raw, it was exceedingly hard, still do sometimes. And I feel awkward being single. Because I am not comfortable being alone with me, I don’t know Tallgirl well enough.

This for me is my growth, it is also why I am sometimes angry.

It may be my uncomfortable gift from infidelity.

Id much prefer a silver John hardy ring or to fit in a size 12. But it may be what is right for me now.

Hope this helps.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 3:01 AM, Monday, March 28th]

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1953   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8726226
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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 1:36 PM on Tuesday, March 29th, 2022

I put myself on the back burner. I lost me. I felt he stole years of my life. He didn’t. I gave them

I feel this very much. I want me back, and it's a strange feeling since I thought I had already worked through my empty nest identity crisis, leaning into our golden years together, happily ever after.

I hope we can learn to enjoy getting to know ourselves better and becoming our own best friends. I like to believe that periods of growth are preceded by discomfort and chaos, at least that's how I handled the kids as they went through rough patches, especially the teen years. I told myself that this is the time to love them the hardest, when it is hardest to, because that is when they need it most. I will try to remember that and to love myself as well as I love my children.

And thanks, I did not know about John Hardy rings and now I want one too! I hope you get the ring and the size 12 someday!

BW: 62 WH: 62 Both 57 on Dday, M 35 years, 2 grown kids. WH had 9 year A with MOW, 7 month false R, multiple DDays, years of trickle truth.
I got rid of her with one email. Reconciling, but the lies have piled up. Trying one more time, again.

posts: 384   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8726611
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 3:30 AM on Friday, April 1st, 2022

I LOVE John Hardy jewellery

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1953   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8727203
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 7:56 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

So Tallgirl - tell us about the pieces you have.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home)
Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS in 2018
Cease & Desist sent spring 2021
"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3479   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8733183
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