X

Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

more information about cookies...

Return to Forum List

Return to Divorce/Separation

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Divorce/Separation

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

No More Questions

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21

rambler posted 7/11/2019 20:44 PM

You are looking at it the right way. It sucks to give her anything but it will help your son.

Let her know if she gets this done she will get this windfall but if she does not then it is the $3k.

Get this done and more on. That is priceless.

Tigersrule77 posted 7/12/2019 08:48 AM

Since your biggest concern is to move into your own place, look at options to make that happen. She wants the house, you don't. So figure out a way that helps you to what you want. I suspect that if you can provide an option that works for her, she will accept it.

The way I understand things, your biggest priorities are: 1. At least 50/50 physical custody 2. Be able to move into your own place as soon as possible.

Money hasn't seemed to be a major factor to you. I would think you can make this work for you. As others have said, I wouldn't give up on the house equity for nothing, but use that to make sure you receive what you want.

At the end of the day, it will also benefit your son to stay in the same house he knows and is comfortable with.

director23 posted 7/12/2019 15:45 PM

her touching even a portion of your future retirement,
She definitely can. With our current agreement we are leaving each others alone.

write a clause in the divorce that stipulates you will receive the present day value ($20k)
We have agreed to this. I explained that the funds would simply go into a trust fund for his college; and she was open to that without issues.

Judge just give her an extra $23k
Your right, the judge would order her to pay me what i am owed, which she simply cant do which will mean the house gets put up for sale, and I paid 2500 to go to mediation, plus lawyer fees until a judge makes the final decision to order the equity to be paid or property sold/split, and I will essentially come out with a loss.

Is your state the same?
No, our state is equitable unless both parties agree on their own how to split the assets; the state only interferes with child support or if the marriage has been quite long and alimony is owed; not my case at all here, and if it went to court, all of our retirement funds would be looked at since we've been married.

get your name off that mortgage
She will be required to assume the mortgage by an agreed upon date, this will result in me not only being removed from the mortgage, but removed from the deed and all associated documents.


Last night was not very good. We began by discussing the final schedule and some other minor details; agreed wholly on everything. I end up putting our son to bed and afterwards we talk about something minor and then she begins asking me questions about 'us' going forward. She wanted to know my opinion on her and what she did, which I've already explained to her countless times, and reminded her of that and nothing has changed for me. She then wanted to know if there is any chance of reconciliation, I simply said I am divorcing her. She asked a bunch of questions and rambled on and on about how she is lonely and the letter she wrote to me where she professed new wedding vows and that it hurts her that I just dont have a response and i responded with my response is i choose not to be with someone who did such a bad thing to me. I asked her that during the time when she was having an affair what she thought she'd have done if I had found out. She said she would have wanted to work to recoup our marriage. I asked her what she thought I'd have done if I had found out on my own, and she said she didnt know. I told her i simply wouldnt have been able to live with myself. She flipped her shit and said that I basically just told her she should kill herself. I know during this she was just reaching for me to interact with her so I just stayed silent and aid I wont be participating in these types of discussion going forward and went downstairs. As i walked down she came to the door and yelled ridiculous things and ended by saying that she should just kill herself. I went and grabbed my phone and text her mom. Told her to get ahold of her. The night ended after that with me locking the door.

Today she was silent to me, sent me a text saying that I can do whatever I want and that her life is ruined and nothing else matters.

Good times.

1 more week.

Jameson1977 posted 7/12/2019 19:17 PM

It's all becoming very real for her, hence the hissy fit. The complaining I hear from cheaters just makes my blood boil. This was all their doing, 100%.

Stay the course, you have a good plan and options, get away from this toxic situation.

ChamomileTea posted 7/12/2019 19:22 PM

1 more week.

You've done an amazing job of getting through all this craziness. Just wanted to say that.

NoOptTo posted 7/12/2019 20:08 PM

I have to say that I admire the way you have been able to keep your composure through this entire ordeal Director. You have been deeply hurt by your STBXWW. You are choosing to move on without her. And, she can not handle not being in control. Her little dream life is becoming her nightmare. The more she tries to convince you to try again and fails, the worse her tantrums are getting

On a side note, you had a great opportunity to emergency services with her threatening to kill herself. Please dont take her treats lightly so close to the end. It could of served you well to have it documented if your D negotiations falter.

The1stWife posted 7/12/2019 20:44 PM

She wants you back? Of course she does. It’s soooooo typical.

I’m sorry you continue to have to deal with her delusional ranting about how her life is a mess. Too bad she does not seem to understand she created all this.

It will be over soon and then some of the drama may cease.

fareast posted 7/12/2019 21:01 PM

The hardest thing for her to handle is the unfolding direct consequences of her own actions. Her own despicable actions, caused by her poor judgement, selfishness, and immaturity is leading inexorably to its natural conclusion: the end of your M. AND like so many other cheaters she feels like suffering consequences is JUST NOT FAIR. Can’t we just forget about it and go back to the way it was? Sorry. No. You are doing so very well director23. Remain steadfast and be there for your son.

director23 posted 7/15/2019 10:52 AM

I appreciate all the feedback and responses up to this point. This site has helped me beyond anything i could have imagined.

Mediation is definitely going to occur; but only for really stupid and minor issues in my opinion. She essentially told me that she feels she hasn't had a voice in a lot of the things we have discussed because I want to leave emotions out of it and I don't want to talk about her side of everything. She feels she will be able to get that voice in mediation...whatever. My lawyer laughed.

She has requested to change the schedule to instead of a 343 to a 223. A 223 is what I pleaded for in the beginning and she adamantly said no; now after actually looking at how it works she sees the benefit. I honestly think she was just against it because it was me who offered it in the beginning and it wasn't initially her idea.

She is also going to ask me to pay for probably 65% of our sons daycare costs. Her argument is I make more money. She declines to see the reality that we have had the same incomes within $3k up and until last October when I did get a huge promotion. My lawyer has explained its essentially up to me if i want to fight it or give it up; an additional $600/year is what it comes down to; writing this out and doing the math is convincing me pretty quickly to just agree and move on. He wont be going to daycare for the rest of his life.

Mediation scheduled in a few days.

Tigersrule77 posted 7/15/2019 11:28 AM

That is a smart way to look at things. You'll spend $600 in legal fees pretty quick.

It's funny that your STBXWW now agrees with your original plan for the custody sharing. I'm sure you've dealt with people like that in the past, so maybe you can use it to your advantage? Suggest a bad option just so she can shoot it down.

I was intrigued by your statement "She essentially told me that she feels she hasn't had a voice in a lot of the things we have discussed because I want to leave emotions out of it and I don't want to talk about her side of everything. She feels she will be able to get that voice in mediation." Does she think that courts and mediator are ruled by emotions? I think she is in for a rude awakening.

I think my XWW may have been similar. Because you don't agree with her, it means you're not listening. My XWW told me that I was hard to talk to. I didn't yell. I didn't act agressive in any way. I think because she was used to me doing what she wanted, when I stopped, she didn't know how to handle it. Perhaps your WW is having a similar experience.

It's as though she doesn't understand that you are not on the same side any more, and it was due to her actions.

ChamomileTea posted 7/15/2019 11:48 AM

She essentially told me that she feels she hasn't had a voice in a lot of the things we have discussed because I want to leave emotions out of it and I don't want to talk about her side of everything. She feels she will be able to get that voice in mediation...whatever. My lawyer laughed.

O.M.G. Can't say I blame your lawyer for laughing. Just exactly what does "her side of everything" entail?? Must be something emotional since she's been so stifled by your determination to "leave emotions out of it". The mind boggles; it really does. Because "her side of it" is about a cheating liar who got caught, who got pregnant outside the marital union, and who is such a spoiled little princess she can't understand why her BH might have had a problem with that.

I don't know what she could be planning, but I suspect she might try to demand some kind of couple's counseling. Your attorney should be prepared for that. Frankly, if she tries it, I would remind her that the next step would be going to court, where she would have to stand in front of a judge and explain herself, and that her AP could be subpoenaed. She doesn't get to throw chairs at the judge either. She has to stand there and listen as her dirt gets entered into the public record for all time.

I do agree with you on the daycare expenses if it gets you to the finish line quicker. It's spent directly on your son too, so that's a good thing.

The1stWife posted 7/15/2019 11:54 AM

Glad to see things are moving forward. And being somewhat reasonable.

Her day in court does not equal she gets to fabricate some “story” and discuss it in court. It is amazing how delusional she still is.

The facts are she cheated, lied, and now you are Divorcing. What else needs to be discussed?

Oh right her “version” of events where she tries to explain “it really was not cheating”. Or “it is my STBXH’s Fault I cheated”.

Whatever!

Marz posted 7/15/2019 12:15 PM

Bud, if you don't learn to limit contact/talk you'll just constantly give her head space for nothing.

It is hard upfront but it's the healthiest path for you.

A lot of time no response is needed. Learn to ignore

director23 posted 7/15/2019 14:52 PM

I think because she was used to me doing what she wanted, when I stopped, she didn't know how to handle it.
This is exactly it to a freaking T.

what does "her side of everything" entail?

I really believe she is going to try and argue that she somehow is the victim in all of this. She has told me her ap manipulated her; i think she may try to use him in her reasoning for wanting more from me, because she wants nothing to do with him, and believes if she explains her 'story' to a mediator that will ultimately help her.

Learn to ignore
I'm there. She rambled for about 20 seconds and I just got up and said I'm tired and walked downstairs and went to bed. It was so nice.

I think shit just really hit the fan for her. Last October we had planned to go to a concert with 12 of our friends; mostly couples. She got the tickets and they were delivered to her email. Well one of her friends that was one of the ones who said they want nothing to do with her to her face a few months ago, messaged me yesterday and asked if it would be simpler for me to ask about the tickets so they wouldnt have to get involved and potentially create additional drama. I said sure and did bring it up to my stbxww. She said she'd be going and would respond to that specific friend. Well about 2 hours later, I get the tickets emailed to me and she tells me that she is no longer invited to go. I said ok and that was it. She stood there and just looked at me and I just went back to doing what I was doing.

This really was a big deal happening, especially who it was with. I had no part in pushing her/our friends to become this way towards her; most of them I haven't even talked to since February, as we've all agreed to just take a break so that I can get through this. A few did say they definitely want me to go though, so I for sure am, and now have an extra ticket.


Freeme posted 7/15/2019 15:32 PM

She essentially told me that she feels she hasn't had a voice in a lot of the things we have discussed because I want to leave emotions out of it and I don't want to talk about her side of everything. She feels she will be able to get that voice in mediation...whatever. My lawyer laughed.
Sounds like she thinks she can use the mediation as couples counseling.

You've handled this so well. I remember her excuse when she first cheated was that she felt like you two had become like brother and sister not like lovers. Now her excuse is that she is the victim and he prayed upon her

Keep doing what you doing and you will get through this eventually.

Jduff posted 7/15/2019 16:55 PM

She has told me her ap manipulated her; i think she may try to use him in her reasoning for wanting more from me, because she wants nothing to do with him, and believes if she explains her 'story' to a mediator that will ultimately help her.

Let her "tell her story".

My XW tried this in our mediation and it worked against her. The mediator, a retired female judge, had heard it all before during her career in family court so all it did was work the mediator against my XW's interest for what was clearly an attempt at pulling the victim card. Mediators are supposed to be impartial anyway. You stay cool as a cucumber, be reasonable and fair in what you ask, and you likely will get just what you want out of this mediation while your XW gets a "come to jesus" talk from her attorney, the mediator, or both, and get pressured to be more reasonable herself.

You ought to take one of your best buds to that concert. Hard part is picking which one.

k8la posted 7/15/2019 17:27 PM

Frankly, she got to express her emotions when she bedded OM and got pregnant/had his baby, then invited him into the home.

She doesn't get to have zero consequences for her emotional expressions. And that's what she's really asking for.

HalfTime2017 posted 7/15/2019 18:19 PM

Director, this little quote right here if you have your VAR on, and listened to our advice from prevoiusly would have gotten you the $23k, and more custody of your son. You could have called up the cops, told them your WW was threatening once again to hurt herself, let them listen to the VAR, and BAM, share that with your attorney. She can shut the hell up about her request, or you and your attorney will show the judge how unstable she is, and she will lose custody of your son:

she should just kill herself

This would also get her to stop asking you for more money for daycare.

ChamomileTea posted 7/15/2019 19:44 PM

.... believes if she explains her 'story' to a mediator that will ultimately help her.

On what planet??
I agree with Jduff. If she pulls that crap on the mediator, she's going to get the dressing down of her life... which would be comedy gold if it weren't so friggin' sad.

Well about 2 hours later, I get the tickets emailed to me and she tells me that she is no longer invited to go. I said ok and that was it. She stood there and just looked at me and I just went back to doing what I was doing.

It's the same thing, over and over and over again. In your WW's mind, she's an object of sympathy and it just doesn't even enter her mind that it's not incumbent upon other people to treat her as such. Her viewpoint is so completely childish, it's like she's perpetually frozen in adolescence. Her parents have A LOT to answer for, and even though it might not feel like it yet, in the grand scheme of things... you have missed a bullet. If not for her cheating so early in the marriage, you might have been chained to this person for decades.

Short stretch now though... Strength to you!

ff4152 posted 7/24/2019 08:22 AM

Hi Director, how are you doing?

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21

Return to Forum List

Return to Divorce/Separation

© 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy