SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

double post

[This message edited by KingRat at 3:31 PM, February 11th (Monday)]

EIGHT months? This sounds beyond revenge. This is consuming you and obsessive

He came into my business for three years chasing my wife. Every time he came in he got a little giggle. I bet he got butterflies driving to her store. Of course he would do a drive by first just to make sure that I was not there.

Well, I got butterflies and the giggles every time I snuck down his drive and placed the spikes! If I have to buy that creep tires, so be it. I will wait a few months, and spike him again!

How does sneaking out at night and pulling high school level pranks give someone a sense of self-respect? I've never heard of anyone feeling good about themselves after throwing a sucker punch. Jimmy, why the need to sink to this asshole's level?

It helped me bunches. Let him be pissed off for a while! I had to get down on his level so he would understand.

I had to get down on his level so he would understand.

You've got a hell of a long way to go down yet before you'll ever manage to reach that low, Jimmy!

C'mon!

What that POS did was no mere "high school prank".

What he did used to be a capital offense punishable by death, slavery, or lifetime imprisonment the world over for the majority of the existence of written human history.

But I think the other poster makes a very good point about you and your wife and regaining your self respect where the marriage is concerned possibly.

I'd say that you gotta start somewhere though, and whether this first foray of yours into putting your combat boots on is the best way or not to start off your counter offensive to regaining yourself...I refuse to hear you or anyone else equate the violations of that man against you to be anything akin or alike whatsoever to what you did to him in response in this thread.

That's like charging a whoopie cushion "offender" with murder or breaking and entering or armed bank robbery or terrorism or hate crimes or something.

ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT.

I understand your want for revenge, When someone intentionally hurts me then they better duck because it is likely double the hurt is coming back their way. But here is where I wouldn't follow in your steps. This infidelity occurred 20 years ago. I understand it is new to you and you are having to deal with the now. But where I come from it takes two people to cheat. So I must ask; are you also spiking your wife's tires? Are you also thinking of ways to cause her pain and discomfort? This low life individual didn't take anything that your wife didn't freely give. Like another poster stated, you are obsessed with this POS and you are giving him control of a portion of your life. You are making him an important part of your life by giving him time, energy and thoughts in your life. He is not worth what you are putting yourself through. You need to go somewhere for a while and clear your mind. I do wish you well.

I am curious. What does your WW say about what you are doing?

You should be pissed at your wife. Three years should be been one visit bc she shot him down and made it clear she was yours.

Three years is her doing, not his.

I wanted revenge on my wife. I divorced her.

You should be pissed at your wife. Three years should be been one visit bc she shot him down and made it clear she was yours.

I am pissed at her, she says that she liked the attention.

I am curious. What does your WW say about what you are doing?

She says that what I do is on me. She wishes I would stop and she does not want me to get into trouble.

I can only speak of my own experience, but some others here are alluding to the same thing.

My H was an a$$hole for many years.

I tolerated it because . . . whatever dumb reasons.

My H treated me like a toy.

I felt invisible.

When I would try to address all the ways I was being neglected, he ignored me. At best he pretended to pay attention, and at worst he turned it back on me. "You're impossible. You'll never be happy. Why do I even try?"

The sexual acting out got worse. Money disappeared and I figured prostitutes. The drinking got worse.

I felt deeply depressed.

"Divorced? I can't. How? Where would I begin? I need my family."

Revenge affair ensues.

I hate it, hate the lying, the lifestyle.

Hate my life.

I blamed the world, men, marriage, porn, everyone.

I hated my H

But I made his dinner, had sex with him.

This was my family. I loved him, loved us.

I hated myself.

I cried all the time.

Hopeless.

The pain was unrelenting.

Then it hit me. I have to do it. I have to gather my dignity and do what needs to be done. "H, here are your bills, these are mine. The kids will stay here with you and I will move into my parents' basement. I would like to buy you out of the house, but we can discuss it later."

He raged.

Threw things.

And I calmly walked to my room and closed the door.

And just like that, my anger lifted--poof. Gone.

I no longer hated myself, I loved myself.

I no longer hated the world, I hated my marriage. And I hated my sh@t sandwich of a marriage. And now my hate was gone!!!!!!! "You're gonna be an a$$hole, H. Then you don't get me." I let go.

My power returned.

And my anger left.

When we are dependent on the very person who has destroyed us, the powerlessness is overwhelming. It will suck your soul out. When we want, need, cannot imagine life without, cannot breathe, cannot bear to ponder losing someone--and they hurt us in a manner that rips away our dignity, the anger outward or inward will destroy us. That stuck feeling of powerless panic sends our anger everywhere but at the target. But when we take back our power and put firm boundaries into place, put our foot down and yell, "Unacceptable! THIS is what is now going to happen!" And draw our line, the need to lash out elsewhere disappears. Well, it did for me.

When we covet that which has harmed us, we can never regain our dignity.

Your attachment to your wife is causing your soul sucking powerlessness, not the OM. When you draw a hard line and show her you moving away from her, you take your power back. And the OM will get out of your head. She needs to fight for you while you show her you walking away--and meaning it. When you see her begging and you feeling strong and in control of your life again, you will finally feel some peace.

Well, this is what happened with me.

Like the others, I get the desire for revenge. However, I don't the desire to give your wife a pass while taking out all the frustration on OM. As GoldenR said, should have divorced and moved on rather than taking the bulk of your frustrations on OM. She got off almost free

Your wife is not a timid forest creature. She welcomed his advances. I get it; you want to stay married, sonthe focus of your fury is the OM. What you must learn to accept is that nothing you do to him erases his affair with your wife. Don’t waste the rest of your life focused on seeking revenge for what your wife did 20 years ago.

I do not know how to say this gently, Jimmy. I wish I did.

The fact that you think this vandalism vindicates you or gives you dignity shows that your thinking is fucked up, especially when coupled with your lack of remorse and your threat to spike the guy's tires again.

Please get help from a good therapist. Today.

You've been escalating. With your attitude, the judge is likely to jail you, I fear, and that will probably increase your rage. You need to stop for your own sake.

The other man only revealed what your wife was. She's the culprit. You've given your life over to her affair. You need to divorce her and take your life back or you're never going to be free. You can remarry later if you wish but you need to make the hard choice and free yourself. Stop living in agony and fear of losing what you never had.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 9:30 AM, February 12th (Tuesday)]

The fact that you think this vandalism vindicates you or gives you dignity shows that your thinking is fucked up,

Sisoon, your assertion here would at least partially apply to myself and my own thinking as well, since I'm supporting Jimmy in this thing to the degree that I am.

Now regarding the additional portion you added:

especially when coupled with your lack of remorse and your threat to spike the guy's tires again

I guess I would tend to agree with the half of that quote that is in boldtype for whatever reason. But I'm kinda wondering... what are you basing your very strong earlier assertion here on?

For my own part, I think there's a very big difference between taking matters into one's own hands where even-Steven, apples-to-apples revenge is concerned myself. But as to feeling a desire for vindication...and doling out a mere token show of resistance?

It reminds me of the Doolittle raid in terms of apples-to-assholes retaliation. That was also a mere trifle of a raid by comparison to what had been suffered. It, too, could be virtually categorized as an act of mere vandalism itself!

But what that raid represented in terms of rallying the national morale and sending a message about the "feelings" of the ones who had been attacked without warning or just cause...

It was no mere trifle to the Doolittle raiders or most of those who knew about it.

I wonder why you feel like you do about Jimmy's winning such a token victory for himself after so long of a time?

Was the Doolittle raid just "fucked up thinking" as well?

This is partly an honest question however. My own convictions go against taking real actual full-on vengeance out on the other man. And I at least partly agree about the very unbalanced or misdirected anger at only the male half of the equation, instead of an equivalent and relatively blind weighing of the scales that his own wife is also seated upon.

And I also agree about Jimmy getting therapy... Like YESTERDAY.

But I don't see this as "fucked up thinking" myself and I guess I would really like to know what that feeling or opinion is based upon, since the shoe kind of fits my thinking cap or foot as well.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 12:50 PM, February 12th (Tuesday)]

Jimmy's wife wasn't raped; she had agency. Pearl Harbor, by virtue of being a thing and not a person, did not have a choice to be bombed.

Doolittle's raid wasn't a series of "raids" as Jimmy's acts were. Why did Jimmy keep going back? I think the obvious answer is because he is still feeling like shit and his acts provided him some brief satisfaction that was soon overshadowed by his still present anger and hurt.

You can't be betrayed by someone you never trusted and made yourself vulnerable to. You can absolutely be wronged, aggrieved, but the real mind fuck of betrayal comes from the fact that a person you thought so highly of and you gave everything to just absolutely crushed you in such a way.

Jimmy still has a lot of negative emotions towards his wife that he needs to find a healthy way to communicate with her. She needs to listen to him and work with him. He needs her to be show him true remorse. When she basically tells him to put a sock it in or she's done, he can't deal with the emotions he has. So it seems they are being directed in unhealthy ways towards the AP.

It's not that the AP doesn't deserve his wrath. OF course that asshole does. We are just trying to help Jimmy realize that, unfortunately, healing doesn't work by focusing on the AP. All the worst things in life can happen to the AP, and if Jimmy does not deal with the anger and hurt that his wife caused him he won't completely heal despite a "karmatic victory."

[This message edited by KingRat at 12:53 PM, February 12th (Tuesday)]

Doolittle's raid wasn't a series of "raids" as Jimmy's acts were. Why did Jimmy keep going back?

I kept going back because POSOM kept going back to my wifes business almost daily for over two years. I want to F with him for years like he did me. Eight months is not enough for me just like eight was not enough for him.

He came in almost daily flirting with my wife while she was working. She liked the attention. She should have ran him off. He knew me, knew she was married, and he was married himself. I hold him 100% accountable for what he did. If he had a little decency he would have left her alone. He got a thrill every time that he went to see her. I got a thrill every time I set a spike down on his driveway. I still have 2 years to put out spikes to get even in my opinion. And get even I will somehow. He is lucky that I did not kill him.

Like the others, I get the desire for revenge. However, I don't the desire to give your wife a pass while taking out all the frustration on OM. As GoldenR said, should have divorced and moved on rather than taking the bulk of your frustrations on OM. She got off almost free

WRONG I have put my wife thru hell for the last 18 months. I hold her 100% accountable for what she did. She certainly did not get a pass. I chose to try and reconcile my marriage. We have 38 years together and I do not want to throw all of that away for a poor choice she made 20 years ago.

So once you fulfilled your quota, then all will be well? I've never had any expert or BS express that by spitting fire and venom was the cure to their pain. IF they just got angry enough, if they just punched back hard enough, it made everything better.

The pain is still inside. You can fight, run, gnash teeth, scream at the top of your lungs, etc., but you can't hide. Good luck Jimmy. I hope you find peace.

You will most likely get no time, but have some kind of probationary period. Fuck these WS's and their AP's they all get what is coming to them!

Jimmy's winning such a token victory for himsel

No victory, IMHO, not even token. Just a sad use of a good man’s time and energy, night after night, which could have been turned and put to some good use in the world, to make a difference to some9ne for the better. . Turn the energy of hate into something that counter proposes positive solutions. That would have been the victory, and the self respect, and being the better man.

Eye for an eye means two eyes are lost. Such a waste.

(((Jimmy1962)))

So sorry that you have to live this nightmare.