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I totally get the anger and the desire for revenge. If I could do something to OW and not get caught I would. And if anything happened to her that wasn't of my making, I would laugh.

But here's the truth - the person getting hurt by this is you. You are now taking the consequences for your actions, not him. You are just heaping more problems and more pain on yourself.

Consider how you would be feeling if the OBS was seeking revenge and doing things to your house and car - how would you feel? I am betting you wouldn't see that as a fair price for what your wife did and really (with a rational head on, which I understand is hard to get to) there is no difference.

Another aspect is all the innocent people that could get caught up in your revenge. Not just any family that the OM has, but if you affect his tyres, he could daily run another car off the road, fr example. How would you live with that on your conscience?

The quicker you can get to indifference the better. At the moment you are handing a lot of your power over to him - he has the law on his side. Also, people's sympathy tends to be with the BS - but if you carry on like this it will soon run out.

Like I said at the start, I do understand your feelings, though.

I totally get the anger and the desire for revenge. If I could do something to OW and not get caught I would. And if anything happened to her that wasn't of my making, I would laugh.

But here's the truth - the person getting hurt by this is you. You are now taking the consequences for your actions, not him. You are just heaping more problems and more pain on yourself.

Consider how you would be feeling if the OBS was seeking revenge and doing things to your house and car - how would you feel? I am betting you wouldn't see that as a fair price for what your wife did and really (with a rational head on, which I understand is hard to get to) there is no difference.

Another aspect is all the innocent people that could get caught up in your revenge. Not just any family that the OM has, but if you affect his tyres, he could daily run another car off the road, fr example. How would you live with that on your conscience?

The quicker you can get to indifference the better. At the moment you are handing a lot of your power over to him - he has the law on his side. Also, people's sympathy tends to be with the BS - but if you carry on like this it will soon run out.

Like I said at the start, I do understand your feelings, though.

Jimmy, whatever you DO...

DO NOT try to physically hurt or threaten or try to hurt that cop!

While I respect your courage and relatively harmlessly getting your self respect back to the degree that you have, you do NOT want to bring the very real repercussions of such a thing upon yourself or business or family as that would inevitably bring.

I'm not one for REAL revenge, either, btw, but I am one for regaining one's self respect if it can be done without getting anyone involved really hurt in a permanent way.

And in the case of one poster a while ago, it was more of a self defense and family defense thing I supported when it got physical, incidentally.

But if you really want real trouble in your life, then really rattling the hornet's nest of police brotherhood is a very ver BAD idea in THIS man's opinion, for what my two cents is worth.

POSOM is no longer a police officer, he was fired. He has a bad reputation of being unstable. He was arrested not long ago for DUI. He was a policeman when he chased my wife 20 years ago.

His driveway is long and out in the country. He lives alone so I was not too worried about flattening the wrong persons tires.

getting your self respect back

That is it!

Well I am not condoning anything illegal but I sure hope the judge looks at posom and days he got off easy and that he deserved more. But he won’t because he can’t being a judge and all.

I agree with you that both are 100% responsible. I imagined all kinds of revenge. I agree that it is normal to want revenge. My IC said the same thing. She did warn about following through though.

I think you won’t have to do time. It’s just trespassing and tires for God’s sake. It’s more like a prank. I think a fine is the worst you will get but maybe the judge will come through for you.

Jimmy, I'm disappointed in you. These days there are cameras everywhere, assume you are being recorded. There are better ways to get even than high school pranks. Creativity, and an air tight alibi should be your guide.

Jimmy, I'm disappointed in you. These days there are cameras everywhere, assume you are being recorded. There are better ways to get even than high school pranks. Creativity, and an air tight alibi should be your guide.

This man screwed my wife 20 years ago and he gets a little giggle when he thinks about it.

Is this something you know for a fact, or is this something you simply believe to be true, because that's what you have convinced yourself of?

Now, if you bring up my name, he thinks "oh shit".

Does he really? How do you know that? Or is that just what you tell yourself to feel better? What if he actually thinks "How pathetic!", or "What a joke!", or "Jimmy who?".

I feel that both my wife and POSOM are both 100% accountable for their actions. If 4 guys rob a bank and get caught. Each of them will be charged 100% with bank robbery.

Ok, both equally deserve it. What revenge did you mete out to your fWW? What were the methods used to recover the portion of your self respect that she stole?

I don't want to invite everyone onto the divorce train. Our stories and WS's are quite different; but I'll tell you this:. I COMPLETELY stopped caring about the NUMEROUS OW the moment I decided to leave my husband. The anger and grief literally vaporized and disappeared. It was a physical sensation of letting go. It was peaceful and euphoric after all the pain.

Jimmy, have you considered that you just will not be able to move forward in any kind of a healthy way as your FWW's husband? Have you considered that this A is a deal breaker for you? I worry about your anger and what it is doing to YOU. It's possible, and highly likely, posom only ever thinks of your wife because YOU keep reminding him of her existence. Your anger and actions are in a way keeping them connected. I don't know. I'm definitely no expert. But sometimes (like now), I visualize you alone in a hammock sipping a drink with an umbrella in it; far far away from your FWW and posom. Leaving it all behind for a new beginning.

Apologies if I offend anyone. But yes, living well really is the best revenge, and the best therapy for yourself. Fake it until you make it. But you will eventually make it.

I understand the urge of wanting to get back at the OP, but it should never be done at the expense/risk of harming yourself. No Bueno. You have to do right by yourself, Jimmy.

Don’t blame you at all brother. You did what made you feel better, just like they did. You’re going to pay a price one way or another, but if it’s worth it to you, then I’m happy for you.

I’ve yet to do anything directly to OM, but I make no promises that I won’t. Just biding my time until the right opportunity arises.

Men (or women), who go after another person’s spouse deserve whatever happens to them, even if they are unsuccessful in doing so.

One of my favorite book characters is Jack Reacher. He says something similar to this in several books:

“Attacking me is like opening a door that shouldn’t be opened. If you don’t like what you find on the other side, that’s your problem, not mine.”

Not trying to sound macho, but it’s a fact. If you leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone. If you don’t, I won’t.

I know the common response here is that nothing is to be gained by punishing the om/ow, but I personally disagree. The reason people do wrong in this world is because they feel like they can get away with it. If more people faced consequences, then maybe others will think twice before deciding to attack someone else’s life and family.

It’s one of the things that I just don’t get. The man who pursued my wife had to know how badly that could go for him, and did it anyway. It makes no sense at all.

What you did was very minor. He got off very easy. If you are at peace with the consequences of what you did, then you’ll get no blame from me.

I got revenge too. I first shook the OM's hand, smiled, and thanked him because he revealed the cheating whore that my ex is. Then I kicked my ex out, divorced her, and gave her nothing in the settlement. Then, I invested in my kids, my work, and my future. I'm now reaping rewards that I never would have if she were still riding my coat tails and holding me back. And finally, my life is better, I'm happier than I've been in decades, and ... (I'm purchasing a second home near my family in Florida :o). Each of us has the choice to live in pain or to do the work necessary to rid ourselves of bitterness and regret. Take care of yourself.

OwningItNow makes an apt point. Endangering or harming others is wrong. You have no way of knowing whose tires will be destroyed or what harm or danger will come to the victims of the spikes. Wayward thinking says . . .

The rules don't apply to me.

It's OK because they deserve it.

My happiness is worth harming others.

Affairs are symptoms of immature, selfish people. But there are plenty of immature, selfish people who don't have affairs. I hope our time at SI can be spent encouraging people to be their best selves. Once we know better, we should do better.

I put spikes out for about 8 months before I got caught.

EIGHT months? This sounds beyond revenge. This is consuming you and obsessive.

Please find someone to help you through this if you are not already doing so.

This is not good for you nor your path to R.

Let us know how your court date goes. If he had to replace numerous tires over this past year, you could be on the hook for way more than one set.

I got revenge too. I first shook the OM's hand, smiled, and thanked him because he revealed the cheating whore that my ex is. Then I kicked my ex out, divorced her, and gave her nothing in the settlement.

This reminds me of our Navy Commander friend who decisively got out of infidelity, with haste and with focused clarity of where the real problem existed. He was a great example for those looking for a similar way out. My recollection is that he exposed the OM to those that he felt would want/need to know and let the chips fall where they may as to his fate.

He posts regularly and seems to have made a successful transition to a post infidelity life.

[This message edited by DIFM at 12:14 PM, February 11th (Monday)]

How does sneaking out at night and pulling high school level pranks give someone a sense of self-respect? I've never heard of anyone feeling good about themselves after throwing a sucker punch. Jimmy, why the need to sink to this asshole's level?

I think Hellfire said it best. You have her on a pedestal. She's got her strings wrapped on you bad bud. You need to cut them loose.

Jimmy, why the need to sink to this asshole's level?

He didn't stalk, seduce, and screw the man's wife behind his back along with likely a lot of other sexually boundaryless people.

He didn't subject this predatory POS to the possibility and fears of STD's or mind movies, nightmares, daymares, and causing additional fears about his own self worth and value along with the value of his entire life and wife and marriage.

He didn't rewrite this man's adult life history and marriage and investments into such.

He didn't give him the fears of losing what is most near and dear to him.

Jimmy didn't go anywhere even REMOTELY near that man's "level"!

Jimmy isn't a cop either. There's no way to compare the relatively harmless act of Jimmy fighting for his own sense of self respect up against what that POS did to Jimmy, his wife, and that badge and everything.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 2:57 PM, February 11th (Monday)]

Infidelity in LE (that take an oath to serve and protect) is over 75%. Infidelity among preachers (that take an oath to God to protect the flock) is around 25%. Men in positions of power, trust and authority that take advantage of women need to be outed to the community, possibly fired from their job and suffer the consequences. That is exactly what I did to an old drunken, hypocrite, married preacher, that liked preying on multiple, married congregants, over an 8 year span. My wife being his last AP (as a minister anyway). You know what the other BS men did? Tucked their tail between their legs, divorced their WW and kept it quiet. Not me. Then a married sheriff that was contacted by my wife for advice, propositioned her. I did nothing physical towards either of these men. You can bet both will think twice next time before they cheat, as there are not too many that are not aware of their inappropriate behavior and shenanigans. The preacher’s wife divorced him and received more than half of his worth. The sheriff’s wife, like most, believes that her husband is faithful and committed to her. Keep working on you and your marriage. Forget about the loser POSOM.

There's no way to compare the relatively harmless act of Jimmy fighting for his own sense of self respect up against what that POS did to Jimmy, his wife, and that badge and everything.

LOL. Relatviely harmless act? Jimmy is being criminally prosecuted. Again, I get the whole 18th-century idea of honor, but spike strips in the night? C'mon. He should have walked up to him, slapped him in the face with his glove, and challenged him to a duel. You know, how they used to do it when men were men and women were chattel.

But here's the thing. Jimmy's wife is not an object and equally culpable in Jimmy's suffering. The POS didn't do anything to his wife that she did not allow.

What most people are trying to point out is that Jimmy could gain self respect by standing up to the woman who is equally responsible for his suffering. Because of his inability to, he is now the one suffering the legal consequences. You know, it really is a damn shame.

[This message edited by KingRat at 3:33 PM, February 11th (Monday)]