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..though ickly OW gave me her tri wetsuit as I trying to move from marathons to tris- while f$&@ing my H.

Oh wow. This just fills me with disgust. To say the least it doesn't sound like you're in a position to need a second hand wetsuit. So what was the point for her? What was her motive and pay off? So your WH would think of her when he saw you in it? As a power move for her that you're wearing her cast offs? What? Has she no shame at all? Ask your husband to explain how he felt if/when he saw you wear that? Ask him how he feels about her doing that to you now? Ask him if he can understand what a violation that was? I really feel for you about that because it was just a truly vile thing for her to do.

And Ladybugmaam don't let that age thing bug you (I know you don't) because I have no doubt whatsoever that you wear your fifty years of class well. Two people can be the same shape and size but quality will always out and I think your husband is just beginning to realise that too.

I generally hate gender stereotyping, but giving you her cast off tri-suit was a total mean girl move. It was particularly vile because you were already asking her to back off so she could couch it as "being nice" to you. I also had the lovely experience of having the OW "befriend" me. All this during the 3 years that I lost my mother, my stepmother of 40 years, and was trying to help take care of my dying father two time zones away. Now that his head is out of his ass, my WH is horrified at how manipulative his AP was, and how cruel he was to cheat when I needed him most. He claimed on Dday that "she really did care about me." Right ....

H is mortified at himself. Last nights, after being encouraged by the MC, he told me to unleash the anger....he deserved it. I lost control and slapped him across the face, after he told me to...if it would help.

Said he was in complete denial that they were crossing the line emotionally until it became physical. Said the physical was bad....until it wasn’t...and that he was trying to find a way out of it. That he’s made the biggest mistake of his life.

Last trip we all took, she was going on about reading 50 Shades (while they were physical). Pretty sure she had this fantasy that he was going to sweep her away. He says that was never a consideration in his mind.

He never left my side last night.

she was going on about reading 50 Shades (while they were physical).

My XW was reading that garbage as well while in the midst of her A. Let me guess, was she a big Twilight fan as well?

Last trip we all took, she was going on about reading 50 Shades (while they were physical).

Might as well have dragged up the Karma Sutra. All while she was actually in your company. How cheap and snide of her. How passive aggressive - all on the quiet...all in your presence.

I tell you the more I hear about this woman and her behaviour around you the worse she gets. Your husband sounds like he's beginning to get it. I hope he can see these incidents for what they are now. I'd make certain he now see's it from your point of view. I doubt much she did in your presence wasn't premeditated.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 9:49 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)]

Ladybug

Regarding your concern about the ages. Like you I was in my early 50s during my H’s last Affair. The OW was 29.

I was in much better shape than her. Smarter with a good career compared to her. Stable and self sufficient - as my H traveled extensively all over the world while I stayed home with kids. Ran the house and volunteered and did home projects and threw parties and hosted holidays - all in my size 2 skinny jeans.

The OW had no $ (I believe she was attrition my H b/c she saw $), long long history of failed relationships, total drama queen, cried over everything, covered in tattoos all over her neck and chest, her boobs hung out of everything she wore (I guess that is considered sexy) and she was as manipulative as hell. She was forcing the “I won’t be the OW and you need to leave her” drama.

What she doesn’t know is that every time he said “I want a Divorce” I said ok - you don’t want to be married to me anymore. I get it”. Next day he would come running back to me begging for another chance.

My point is her age meant nothing. She never could compete with me. Even if he left to be with her - and we divorced - his number one priority would be the children. And over my dead body was she going to be anywhere near my children.

And after paying alimony and child support and college tuitions and the mortgage and his own place - her fancy lifestyle would have been reduced to a beer and fries st a local pub lol. Financially he would suffer. Both of them would be too stupid to even know that.

So in your case the OW was younger. But so what? That was her only “advantage”.

Men are just rude sometimes. I have guys as young as 30s proposition me. Ewwwww. Not interested. I’m no raving beauty - cute enough - but please!!!!! I’m smart enough to know they are only interested in one thing and it’s not my intelligence.

Ladybug 🐞- you are a strong person and it doesn’t sound like you need others to validate you. Good for you!!

And if your H will not quit training AND you need him to do do to recover - I hope he realizes it may be a dealbreaker for you. My H willingly gave up client social events and if he must attend, it is dinner then home - leaves by 9 pm. No later. No after dinner drinks. His choice and decision.

Totally agree that the 50 Shades flaunting was another mean girl move. The OW in my case shook her ass in front of me and my WH during the A when I had thrown out my back and couldn't even stand up for long (we were at a live music venue that my WH encouraged us to go to with our 'friend.'). She was conniving; he was clueless to how she wasn't just flirting with him but giving me a big fuck you. Together, they were heartless and gross.

For the record, my username is because I'm prematurely gray (maybe not prematurely anymore) and I don't see the world in black and white, not the 50 Shades fad.

Dear Ladybugmaam.

You have done well considering the awful discovery of an illicit affair involving your husband and a friend. Continue the discussion with your WH but be extremely vigilant. I believe the AP is not finish in her pursuit to win your husband. I believe it will become an obsession, and she will not let it go. I know this is a hard pill to swallow, but we are here for you and will support you on every turn and decision. Take one day at a time.

Best to you,

Bigheart

[This message edited by Bigheart2018 at 11:58 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)]

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:02 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

LadyBug I'm going to send you a PM

Came home tonight to WW3 between son and H. That’s never happened before. Evidently, H had locked himself in the bedroom and was talking on the phone to a mutual male friend. One I had asked to check in with him as we (me and H)caught male friend in an A himself....male friend and his BW have since made a marriage 2.0 and are very good together.

And yes, I’ve verified that this was the call and not breaking NC. Son broke into our bedroom and started shouting at his dad. Dad didn’t take to kindly to a 14 yr old invading the bedroom and got defensive. Momma bear had to put down the hammer with.....you DO realize why the kid is feeling the need to be protective of me, right?????

I’m sure son feels the world is upside down. Needing to check into counseling for him too, I think.

Came home tonight to WW3 between son and H. That’s never happened before. Evidently, H had locked himself in the bedroom and was talking on the phone to a mutual male friend. One I had asked to check in with him as we (me and H)caught male friend in an A himself....male friend and his BW have since made a marriage 2.0 and are very good together.

And yes, I’ve verified that this was the call and not breaking NC. Son broke into our bedroom and started shouting at his dad. Dad didn’t take to kindly to a 14 yr old invading the bedroom and got defensive. Momma bear had to put down the hammer with.....you DO realize why the kid is feeling the need to be protective of me, right?????

I’m sure son feels the world is upside down. Needing to check into counseling for him too, I think.

Stay strong. You continue to do really well.

You have everyone's respect, which is diametrically opposed to that of the AP.

I am so sorry you came home to that battle. I hope your WH listened to you and sat down with your son to apologize. Your son is righteously angry and hurt. Did he know the OW? He is at a very impressionable age.

If you are ready for it perhaps some family counseling to help everyone deal with the trauma as well as IC.

Definitely IC for your son. He's been betrayed, too. I can't remember how old your son is but I would broach the subject with him and not force him but sell the benefits. I'm 67 and feel the IC is an investment in me and I'm worth it.

Came home tonight to WW3 between son and H. That’s never happened before. Evidently, H had locked himself in the bedroom and was talking on the phone to a mutual male friend. One I had asked to check in with him as we (me and H)caught male friend in an A himself....male friend and his BW have since made a marriage 2.0 and are very good together.

And yes, I’ve verified that this was the call and not breaking NC. Son broke into our bedroom and started shouting at his dad. Dad didn’t take to kindly to a 14 yr old invading the bedroom and got defensive. Momma bear had to put down the hammer with.....you DO realize why the kid is feeling the need to be protective of me, right?????

I’m sure son feels the world is upside down. Needing to check into counseling for him too, I think.

Double posted

I don't think a WH is really prepared for the anger and loss of respect he gets from his son. I know mine wasn't. We spend so much time instilling a sense of honesty in our children and their sensibilities are so offended when they see it cast aside by their parent. If my own 27 year-old is any example, boys are pretty tough judges of their fathers in this respect. Not only has their dad done wrong by their mom, but they've become hypocrites in every other life-lesson due to their failure in such an important one. Boys can be a bit catastrophic in their thought process.. all or nothing, black and white.

All I can tell you is that I made it perfectly clear to my son that his relationship with his father is NOT my relationship with his father. I'm a big girl and I can take up for myself, not some shrinking violet who needs a young man's protection. I also made it clear to my WH that it was HIS business to repair his image with his son, not mine. I'm not the one who failed to exemplify the truth and honesty I had required of my child.

It's tough to be in the middle, believe me, I know. But sometimes all you can do is point out the obvious. We can't control other people...even though sometimes we REALLY want to because they're completely assing it up.

((big hugs))

I agree. I think your son definitely needs some counseling and if his IC thinks he is ready maybe some family counseling together with your WH so he can say what he needs to say to your WH in calm surroundings.

I think it would be a big mistake on your WH's part to ignore his son's feelings. But also it's a fine line to draw not to include and burden him with the weight of the marriage reconciliation too. He's old enough that this has to be handled delicately. This is why I think counseling for you all on how to navigate this may be a great advantage.

As a person who also experienced infidelity in my parents marriage I can tell you that if your son is like me, then your son's view of the world has been turned upside down and he needs to be able to express that.

Still a teenager your son probably still held your husband on that pedestal we all have our parents on when we are young. Instead of that pedestal slowly coming down as he realises we're all just human - including his parents - it's been shattered to pieces in an instant. He'll probably be feeling like his very foundations have been rocked along with it. He's probably disillusioned, betrayed and angry at a person he loves and relies on. He's probably torn between wanting to be his mother's rock and wanting to cry for his mummy (and daddy) in his pain for them to come and make it all better like they always have done before. That's a lot for a young mind to deal with.

Of course I'm projecting how I felt onto your son and I was a young adult not a teenager. Maybe he's dealing with it better than I did. But I do believe that your WH has to realise and accept that this does affect your son too, this family disaster doesn't exist in a vacuum of just him and you and your son may need IC help, and he needs to work on repairing his relationship with his son as well as trying to repair your marriage.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 4:32 AM, March 14th (Thursday)]