SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Maddiehippiechick Posted:

If you really want to know if that burner phone is at the bottom of the pond, find a local Scuba shop, go in and talk to them. Offer a reward if they can retrieve it. Or at least bluff it, tell WH that you hired a scuba team to search the pond and watch his reaction.

Unfortunately, LBM husband and the OW have instant access to any advice that is posted publicly.

There is no way for either LBM or the OBS to utilize the advice posted here because we are tipping off the cheating spouses off as we advise.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 5:52 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]

Hi LBM

Hope you and your WH are having meaningful interactions. I’ll have to read back to remind myself if he is attending IC. I hope so. That would be a dealbreaker for me.

If he is, do you discuss the work he is doing there? He should simultaneously be working on what was broken inside him to betray his spouse and family, while also learning how to help you heal. I hope he is making Herculean efforts to do just that.

As far as SI, have you discussed boundaries concerning this forum? At some point I’d recommend you ask him to respect you and the OBS by not reading either of your forums.

While I hope his reading of what occurred and the help you and the OBS received here makes him glad that you each had a place to find life support while he and the AP connived to betray the two of you so horribly, he should respect that you each need a place to vent and discuss options without worrying that there will be ramifications from your WH about what you or others write here.

You can always cut and paste sections of what is posted to him via text or email if it will be helpful to your recovery.

I also recommend that if he is truly ALL IN for trying to rebuild the relationship he destroyed, that he himself start posting in the Waywarde Side here. He can put up a STOP SIGN at first so that only waywards respond and he’s not inundated (perhaps appropriately) from the anger of those who have been stung by the pain of infidelity themselves.

I highly recommend this.

With that I will wish you well. I’m hoping you are finding little moments of sun between the dark clouds of the A.

You are a strong person and I’m glad we can be of service.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 5:28 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]

If you really want to know if that burner phone is at the bottom of the pond, find a local Scuba shop, go in and talk to them. Offer a reward if they can retrieve it. Or at least bluff it, tell WH that you hired a scuba team to search the pond and watch his reaction.

Too much effort to prove one of many lies IMO

It’s easier to assume the worst and act accordingly. If he can’t prove otherwise, he is guilty.

I wouldn’t care that early about burner phone, polygraph, etc. but rather grill him every day. You have mostly uncontrollable emotions of grief, anger, sadness, so Unload them on him every single day. They are the result of his betrayal and he should witness them firsthand, so there will be no time to talk to AP. My WH had to deal with my daily meltdowns, anger outbursts, and what not, so he tried to survive the day. This way you will get the desired release of negative emotions, which is necessary for healing and he will be too occupied to even think of AP. She does not even sound worth the drama from OBSs descriptions, just some depressed, needy damsel who tries to escape the responsibilities of being a mother and a wife.

The poly will help the paranoia

Sharkman is correct. A poly at this point could give LBM some very valuable information. For instance, was the last contact of any kind with OW on the date and time as told LBM? Is he truly committed to never having contact with OW again? Or other questions she might have. A poly is generally limited to 3 or 4 "yes" or "no" questions.

A poly now could confirm just how honest he currently has been. She can do a follow up poly in the coming months to confirm his continued NC as well as validation of the truthfulness of things he had been telling her.

LBM if you and OBS did in fact agree to keep SI to yourselves I think it's a travesty that this promise wasn't kept by you.

You mentioned you weren't communicating with OBS anymore, but I think it would behoove you to reach out to him to apologize.

That your H got to read OBS thoughts (after having an A with his wife) in a place that was supposed to be safe for him goes against everything this place strives to be.

All I know if I was OBS I would feel that not only was I betrayed by my POS lying wife but by you as well (and you wouldn't know jack shit if it wasn't for him).

I understand that this is all hard to deal with and I can appreciate this wasn't your intent. OBS did the right thing and reached out to you and I think it would be right for you to reach out to him now to apologize and to see how he's doing.

Just my two cents.

^^^^

This.

The thing is that he had no boundaries in hooking up with AP so he would have no boundaries in reading OBS’s thread. However you should move beyond it and ask about polygraph and STD tests if not done by now.

I don't understand the nonchalantness you seem to have regarding your WH reading OBS's thread and giving info to OBS's WW.

I don't want to damn a situation when I don't know the exact circumstances but from what I have read here, WH reading OBS posts is a total invasion of privacy for someone who is vulnerable and also should be able to use SI as a safe haven.

As a community we need to work hard to make sure that anyone coming on here has the right to as much anonymity and privacy as they wish, whether the betrayed or wayward.

Just guessing here but I think the nonchalantness is because she’s desperate to try to save her marriage/family. She’s focusing just on her house/her situation and nothing else. I’m not saying I agree that it’s okay (and I am BY NO MEANS an expert at any of this stuff) but I totally understand her desire to focus on just her relationship. It’s always a lot easier to see a situation from the outside looking in (where we are) than when you’re just trying to get through the day and desperate to save your family.

There are now many, many posts excorciating LBM because of what her WH has done in viewing SI. I'm sure at this point she's gotten the message, and then some. We don't know the exact circumstances of how her WH found her and the OBS' thread. I hope we can remember that LBM is a newly betrayed spouse and focus our efforts on her thread to supporting her. Her WH is not the first to find SI. And at this point, we're beating a dead horse by focusing on that instead of what LBM needs here.

I am not excusing how her WH found out about SI. I don't want this post to become the catalyst for a debate on this. I just think a number of people have weighed in on that mistake, and that we should refocus on what LBM needs.

Thanks Grayshades. I'll draw attention to the OBS thread. He told his WW that he was here, as well. It was in a moment of trying to be open and honest on as many fronts as WH and I could that H came clean on discovering the VAR and I came clean on my involvement here. WH thought that OBS and I had been telephoning each other, when much of our contact came from reading each others feeds and PM's confirming details (a lie of omission I made to my H).

Got to pick and choose here. Though, I'm very grateful for the space.

What I need now is a sleeping pills, a magic wand, fairy dust, a time machine, much-much more good counseling, and some FUN, dammit.

He told his WW that he was here, as well.

This must be information he only shared with you because I don't believe that is what he said when he stepped away from SI.

None the less, having either WS invade the thread of the OBS whom they conspired against and treated as worthless garbage...all the while smiling right in their face...is just another trait of a self-centered cheater. And another way to vicariously stay in contact with their AP. Wayward thinking all the way around. I wouldn't dismiss this as quickly as you seem to be doing. JMO.

He told his WW that he was here, as well.

I, too, could find this nowhere in the thread. Maybe I just missed it.

Yeah, looking back, that was a pm or phone conversation with obs

LBM is barely a month out from Dday. She believes that the OBS had already disclosed SI to the AP, rightly or wrongly. We don't need to interrogate LBM about this, right? Plenty of us have expressed that it is problematic that her WH has access to the OBS' threads. Asked and answered. Can we try to focus on LBM's needs here instead of belaboring this?

Ladybugmaam, I agree with the perspective that your WH's intrusions reflect ongoing wayward thinking. In particular, there is an arrogance that I've seen cropping up in your descriptions throughout this thread. Sounds like it wasn't always there for him, but his impatient detachment with one of your son's favorite activities, his embracing of the role of mentor with the AP and it turning into an A, his continued contact after Dday, all reflect his arrogance. I really hope he gets his head out of his ass and stops trying to control everything and everybody because he thinks he knows best. Otherwise, he's just going to continue to hurt you, your son, the OBS, and their children.

I hope you're able to get some rest. It sounds like a completely exhausting few weeks for you.

[This message edited by GrayShades at 9:57 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

Objectively, and I'm certainly not condoning A behavoir by this, BUT what WS would NOT seek it out and read it this early on? I'm curious how much of that would be shitty part of human nature.

I know I couldn't bring myself from the feed for weeks. I was obsessive with it.

I think my WH was just the opposite -- he didn't want to think about the A or his AP at all, and he was pained very much by what he had done to the OBS. We've just found out recently that they ultimately divorced, and I know he continues to feel bad about his role in their marriage failing. But he's definitely a rugsweeper by nature, though he and I have both fought that off. Seems like a key difference. Regardless, I wish that your WH was working on being a better person/husband/father, not indulging in a vicarious view of the OBS' marriage and the fallout of his and the AP's immaturity and selfishness. I don't really understand the impulse myself, especially given the damage he's already done to that family and to his own.

Nm....bad logic

[This message edited by GoldenR at 1:14 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

So what did he say about it after reading about how much he terribly hurt two humans, one he claimed to be friends with and one who he vowed to love honor and cherish til death?

I would think at very least this would require some soul searching and introspection. Did he do that specifically after reading these threads?

If it were me I’d ask my WS to write me a letter about what he felt after reading how desperate and hurt the 2 BS’s were when reading those threads. What he felt about reading how difficult it was to confront the persons they loved and the absolute denial they felt that their loved ones would ever do something like this to them after they had given them each the trust to spend time together training.

Don’t let his reading of these threads not be part of his rebuilding process. Make sure that his reading of the pain both you and the OBS went thru is a big part of the Work this man does to fix what was broken inside him.

Now that he has this resource, it should be his mission to read every posting by you and Bahama, internalize what you were each sharing honestly, without the lens of your WS or AP listening, and describe how he feels about it and work into a plan to repent and somehow repay the damage that was done.

That’s probably a really hard thing to do. But becoming a better person who is safe not only to their spouse, but also to every other male friend he has who has a wife, is hard work.

Just my opinion. And I still think he should at some point utilize the Wayward Side to start communicating with those who have walked in his shoes before him.

Take care LBM.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:16 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

H has said that too - grayshades. He aside from reading here, he doesn't want to remember what havoc he wrought. He said he hoped that things were getting better for them, but that is their fish to fry. He says he feels mortified by what he's done and doesn't want to remember it and the pain he's caused. To my knowledge, he read through both feeds once.

He is now reading the State of Affairs book and feels that this was all on something that is broken within him that he will/must fix. That nothing I could have done would changed his brokeness at the time.