SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A remorseful WS would not read it. Because it is a window into the OW's life. It's a form of breaking NC. He got to read about how the OW was pining for him. He got to see that he mattered to her.He got some more ego kibbles. He also got to violate OBS one more time. It's quite appalling, actually.

Don't equate your reading it,to his. You were trying to put the pieces of what happened together. You were also,I'm sure,looking to see what OW was doing,and if your wh had done the same thing. Like her walking the dog. If it were me,I would be thinking about where my husband was during those walks. OTOH, your wh had very different reasons for reading that thread.

Odd,now that he read it,he's now decided it's none of his business what's going on in their marriage.

Have you scheduled the polygraph yet?

I get it. Though, do you really think that there is a snowball's chance in hell that I would post here about scheduling a Poly, if there is a chance he's reading this.

He can know about the poly ahead of time.....

I am sure he is going to try and talk you out of it, but surely you wouldn't let that happen?

I dont see why not. He said he would take one. So it's not a secret.

Listen it's up to you whether to schedule a poly. But don't let his agreement to take one lull you into thinking that he must be telling the truth. WS count on the BS to drop the idea once they agree to it. Schedule it and then gauge his reaction imo.

I've read a lot of stories on this board in the short time I've been here. But I've not yet seen as disrespectful of a BS as you.

OBS did a difficult thing (for him), and a tremendous favor for you, by telling you of the affair. He even clued you in to this place, which was his safe haven, so you could get further help. And you then stabbed him in the back by telling your POS cheating husband about this place, thereby torpedoing OBS's safe haven of support.

Your husband has now rudely entered two different places that belonged exclusively to OBS. And make no mistake about it - your husband got (gets) ego kibbles every time in both places. I've never felt less sympathy for a BS than you.

WileyC - This forum (and this thread specifically) is supposed to be a safe place for LBM to share her story and to get advice. She is doing the best she can under difficult circumstances. I'd advise you to read the forum guidelines (#4 in particular). This is NOT the space for these types of comments.

ETA: It hardly seems appropriate to judge LBM for the actions of her husband.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 2:57 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

He is now reading the State of Affairs book and feels that this was all on something that is broken within him that he will/must fix. That nothing I could have done would changed his brokeness at the time.

I hate the "broken" defense. Always felt it was a bunch of crap to lessen the responsibility of what they did.

WileyC, according to Ladybugmaam, both BS told both AP's about SI independently. There's been more than enough criticism of that decision on her part already. It's done. And flaming someone who's d-day was mere weeks ago is NOT cool for any reason, especially after the many, many comments above yours that have already criticized what she did. I did some regrettable things in the aftermath of my own D-day. I suspect most of us did. I'm glad that those who supported me didn't belabor those things when I was already hurting so badly. I don't think I would have survived if they had.

Are you NC with the OBS at your or his request? Because if it’s yours you know that communication between OBses is the best (and really only) tool at your disposal right now.

We went NC at first at my request, because beyond clarification -it was beginning to feel wrong to me. Then, he contacted me and he requested NC as a promise he made to his WS. Then we confirmed burner phone details. I haven’t heard from him, and he seems to have disappeared from here, at roughly the same time.

Holy Cow! OBS is suffering the betrayal of continued breaking of NC between his WW and your WH, yet she demands that HE goes NC with you! I feel so sorry for him. He is isolated and being manipulated.

I see that you are really setting your sails for R, which is entirely up to you. But I would counsel a lot of IC discussion for both of you on how you both have treated OBS. It is one thing to put healing your marriage first, but another to hurt others further in the process. Lots for both of you to explore with professionals, I think.

I wholeheartedly agree. We’re actively engaged in IC and MC. MC won’t work with us without IC. She’s really amazing! I’m grateful H found her and is all in with her processes.

LB, how do you feel about having an audience of WH and very likely AP and OBS?

Sadly, it seems that both BS have lost the real support SI could provide, simply because many advices given here are meant to be exclusively for BS, to warn against power games and manipulations of WS.

LBM, I applaud your dedication to IC for both of you. Thank you for accepting what I said as the constructive advice I intended.

Frankly, I’m less worried about the potential audience here. I didn’t do anything wrong. OBS didn’t do anything wrong. If WH or OW get some insight here, so be it.

Understand the reason why OBS was manipulated into Noncontact with you is because his wife wants two things :

1. Ability to take affair underground now or at a later date

2. To prevent more comparing of notes given it’s now tougher to compare them

Also understand that this doesn’t meant your husband has to be receptive of this, but she’s coming for him. Every instinct of almost everyone here is saying she already has or will. Not done by a long shot (and that’s assuming he isn’t or won’t, though regular polys will be a nice preventative here)

I'll take one for the team and point out some obvious here.

(That seems to be my role on SI: drawing lightning for pointing out that the Emperor is naked...)

1. This is a public internet forum. I am now a member but I lurked here, and read here, for some time before I registered and posted. IIRC, all forum content is accessible for read only to anyone who surfs in. Ergo, referring to SI as a "safe place" in which 'privacy' is inferred or implied is inherently flawed thinking.

2. Anyone reeling from a recent revelation of infidelity, both BS and WS alike, who has turned to the internet as a resource, could very easily end up here- just like I did, just like you did- and would probably gravitate toward the JFO forum, if indeed the infidelity was just found out.

3. Both BS/OBS in this case posted enough specific, personal information that they and their situation would be easily and quickly recognized by either WS.

4. My husband knows I post here- has since before I made my first post, and gave his consent for me to post about our situation on SI. He strongly felt that I needed an outlet and impartial feedback. I strongly felt that I needed his informed consent. It's my situation, but it's his situation too. I would not have posted here without his knowledge and without his consent- to do so, IMHO, would have been inherently dishonest, disrespectful, unethical. And I am the BS, btw. I can be the BS all the live long day but that doesn't inherently give me the right to post Husband's business on the internet, particularly with any kind of identifiable information, without his knowledge, consent, and feedback on the veracity of my posts. Don't believe me? Consult any attorney or law student. If you are posting identifiable information about another person, including your WS, it's a good idea to a) make sure it's accurate, and b) have their consent. Several attorneys post here (without, noted, giving identifiable information about themselves or their partners.) Maybe one of them will weigh in.

5. Isn't one of the basic boundaries and transparency tenants touted as essential to a safe and happy marriage NOT to divulge, discuss, confide in random people (other than licensed therapists, in a professional setting) especially in people of the opposite sex, about your marriage problems? What do all you peeps think we are doing here? Common sense indicates that transparency would extend to and include BS, OBS, both WS and SI as well. Stand up to your own standards, people. Don't hide in "safe space" on SI and argue that not telling your WS about it is OK because *they* are the wayward. <----- Tough Love, sure to get me flamed, but walk away and think about it before you let loose on me.

6. I often send links to my posts to Husband, because I often find I communicate more effectively about emotionally charged issues in writing rather that verbally. You have been informed. You don't want my husband reading your opinion of him- don't reply to my posts on a public internet forum.

[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 6:32 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

marriageredux959 - Amen!!!!!

If you google anyone’s name - moniker used here on SI - posts will come up.

I have posted this in the past.

I do not have my location on here or number of children or identifying details.

But someone may be able to figure out who I am.

There is only so much privacy in the worldwide web