SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you for sharing. Every wayward should read this.

LBM

Your pain is palpable and the emotions you are going through and the intense distaste you have for the OW who called you friend are so eloquently reflected in your post.

I would hope she is reading your posts on SI to see the level of damage she has done to the two families.

It would be appropriate justice if she was made to sit down and read your post over and over and over again.

I hope your WH reads it too ...over and over.

Looking at what you wrote, I see that you are the strongest, most dignified and most aware person of the 4 in your situation. No matter what happens between you and your WH, you will be ok. Maybe not right away, but you will come out of this clusterfook intact.

If you choose to get back with WH, it'll be up to him to do the "Pick Me!" dance.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 6:45 PM, March 30th (Saturday)]

Sending you virtual mojo. It is quite a mess.

If your husband and his affair partner are reading this, they should know that this will be their legacy now. At social gatherings or friendly greetings, people will see them as cheaters. Especially her after trying to be your friend just so she could be around your husband more. She may as well paint a big red “A” on her face. Words that rhyme with “more” and “glut” will be common behind her back. Your husband will be the butt of jokes.... the shaking-my-head response from other guys. Real men who aren’t cheaters will now refer to him as “that guy.”

Oh folks will be pleasant enough to their faces, but their deception is what people will talk about in hushes as they walk away: the betrayals, the cruelty, the lack of integrity. How could they do this to LBM!?

I have seen this over and over again in small circles.

I sure hope it was worth it. Their reputations will never be 100% to your peers ever again.

If your husband is reading this: Fall on your fucking sword.... it is on you.

Thank you for sharing your letter, Ladybugmaam. You are more generous than me -- I see so many parallels between us with OWs who ingratiated themselves into our lives by pretending to be our friends. I wrote a much more vulgar letter to the OW in my case but never sent it. One less vulgar part that stands out is my stating that there was nothing special about what she and my WH did. It was selfish, gross, and oh-so-ordinary. It was not special in the least.

While I understand the concern that others have expressed here about your WH reading the OBS' thread, I hope that you'll continue to see this as a place for you to get support. You're not responsible for his decisions, though I do hope he'll heed the unanimous sentiment here to leave the OBS and his thread alone! If his WW is reading here, I hope she feels the weight of interfering with your child's well-being along with her own children. And I hope your WH recognizes how absent he's been even when physically present, at least based on something you wrote earlier. It sounds like he was pretty checked out of his kid's life for a long time. That makes me so terribly sad for your son (another parallel -- we have a young teen son as an only child).

Waywards often justify what they're doing to other families. Once justification is that kids are resilient and that they're happiest when their parents are happy (that's wayward-speak for the 'happiness' of being utterly immature and selfish). My father was a serial cheater, and my mother finally left him after five kids and 18 years of marriage. He married his AP, my stepmom, and they remained married for the rest of their lives -- 42 years. I and my siblings bear the scars of his selfish choices to this day. Kids are resilient in that they survive, at least most of them. But they're sense of safety, self-esteem, and ability to trust will be affected for the rest of their lives because of the selfishness of wayward parents and their affair partners. I truly hope your WH digs deep to mitigate the damage he's done to you, but also to your son. My dad never did, nor did my stepmom. I hope your WH recognizes the AP for what she was complicit in -- the destruction of his family -- and feels only disgust with himself and with her.

Well said, Ma'am.

You put the OW to shame but then you always did even when they were conspiring against you.

I don't know how your husband sleeps at night.

Yup, the simple answer is usually the right one. The phone isn’t at the bottom of a lake.....

THIS!!!

Why do you suddenly believe POSOW found SI? Has something happened else happened?

JMO, and others, the simplest answer generally the right one. You told your WH something, POSOW then mentions that something to OBS...You guys are making a big jump assuming the Ws found SI. WH has/had a burner phone, Ws lie, POSOW suddenly knows info: 2 + 2 = broken NC. The onus is on WH to PROVE he is NC.

Mic drop, well said, now back to the issue at hand, he's triathlon athlete right ? I would have him put all that training to use and tell him to start swimming to recover the phone, (of course he can just buy another one and throw him in the lake) but you can probably match it with the company, or better yet I would have him take a polygraph test and some of the questions should be: "Are you still in contact with OW" ? if not, when was the last time you were in contact with her? are you still trying to reach her or viceversa ? Have you had sex, french kissed or have any other inappropriate relationship since we started dating and after we were married ? if so, how many ? You're a very strong woman who doesn't take bullshit from anybody, hats off to you.

I'm actually feeling angry for OBS, that his feelings and vulnerability here were exposed to the other man. He has not been protected at all, yet he is the reason you know the facts of your situation. There are amends to be made, and I don't know that a safe space can ever be restored to him. You shot the messenger.

You have added to the pain of the man who showed you a place where he was getting help to survive infidelity your husband and his wife inflicted on him.

[This message edited by k8la at 6:58 PM, March 31st (Sunday)]

It’s complicated. Yes, it’s all out now. People might be lurking here or maybe not. I’ve got nothing to hide. I wish I had known obs’s fears so much earlier in. We had hiked together in Phoenix, but I had no idea of his concerns then. I wish I had recognized and gone to my inner beoytxh earlier on. I wish I hadn’t been so stupid earlier in. Bottom line, I can change none of that now.

Discovered Snapchat selfies from her to H using the same filers my 13yr old niece uses. Guys like this?? Girls think bunny ears make them more sexy? I really hate the world right now

Discovered Snapchat selfies...

Was this new or old contact?

Guys like this??

NO, maybe 13yo boys. I think they use to refer to that silly crap, around here years ago, as the ”luuurve”. In the land of rainbows and unicorns it makes/made sense.

It appears your WH is TTing you, remorseful spouses don’t TT. This stops when YOU say it stops.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 9:32 PM, March 31st (Sunday)]

The juvenile antics affair partners engage in are mind boggling. Have you asked him about this yet? I’m pretty sure he will be embarrassed that you know about this.

It was old stuff. Just the aftermath of the A. He really is doing everything he can. It’s just working through this is so much harder than anything I’ve ever experienced. I still just can’t believe it. I thought we were relationship goals. I thought we were in a slump, but not dead. Before you blow up the feed, he’s agreed to a poly. Though, I’m realizing that if he wanted to continue this A - I’d have no control over any of it. I obviously never did. Nothing I could have or can do about that. It’s absolutely heartbreaking.

Lady, this is going to take time. You are grieving. It goes at its own pace. Both of you are going to have to accept the fact that the marriage you had is dead. He will never be the husband who never cheated and you will be the person he betrayed and lied to. Getting to acceptance of that goes so slowly.

There are bs who get their ws to take them every place they went with the AP. It allows bs to form new memories. I don’t have that choice. Mine ws was in another country. Aren’t they sweet?!!? Touch of sarcasm

Nothing is going to give you some peace but time.

I hope your h is sincere in his remorse. Helps the healing.

I recommend you get a huge chunk of money that will not be a part of divorce settlement if you ever divorce.

Great. Find a reputable polygraph administrator in your area and schedule the test. Dont assume he's told the truth, simply because he agreed to take a test. Almost all WS agree, if asked. Because saying no automatically makes them look like they're lying. They're hoping that their BS will think,because they're willing,they must be telling the truth.

Follow through with the test. Always follow through.

Questions have to be a yes, or no question.

Other than the affair your wife knows about,have you had any sexual contact, with anyone else, during your marriage?

Have you told the truth to your wife,about the extent of contact after your wife confronted you about your affair?

Is there anything about the affair that you are purposely withholding from your wife?

I think I have to agree with k8la on the fallout on the OBS. What a damn shame SI wasn't a safe place for him.

Though, I’m realizing that if he wanted to continue this A - I’d have no control over any of it. I obviously never did. Nothing I could have or can do about that.

You’re correct - you can’t control anyone but yourself. WS’s May choose to continue the affair. What a polygraph does is ensure you have some verification of what you’ve been told. If my WH wanted to keep on cheating - that was fine by me...I’d be free to choose my next steps based on that reality. Damned if I was going to go through the hell of R if he was still lying and cheating.

That is why the serenity prayer was my mantra, during the first year after d day. Accept the things I cannot change change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Every time something new comes to light such as Snapchat stupidity, it’s a new wound. The only way through this is trudging along and looking for Beaty in other things. Self care, spouse care.

The best thing our spouses can give us is the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. That is the kindest path.

You appear clear you want to reconcile. I struggled for a long time if I did or not.

Strong boundaries, both of us recognizing there needed to be hard work and doing it helped. I beat the crap out of a pillow and my bed with a waffle bat and a tennis racket.

Releasing your anger in that letter is good. You may need to write more.

Hugs