SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

About 6 weeks ago my wife cheated of 12 years. It took her about two weeks to tell me that she cheated. A week before that she said she was done with this marriage and wanted to separate. So after three days of sleeping on sofa I finally said this don’t add up. Iwe have had a good like and all of sudden you want your freedom? I asked her if she was seeing someone else and she finally confessed.

She began to tell me and said it was because I was drunk n angry all the time. That she finally had enough and she’s been unhappy for years. Well that same day I guess they decided they wanted to date each other. So their relationship started out in the open. Still married and only a couple hours since telling me.

Since then she has shown or remorse or understand the hurt I’m going through. Trying to tell me it’s over and get over it. This dude is a worthless POS and still lives at home almost 50. Does and sells drugs. Has grandkids older than our youngest. We have 4 kids. And this is what he does is jump women to women because they have more money than the last. Scum of earth kid if dude. He’s like 13 years older then her.

Well the other day her head is getting big. She told me I have guys waiting to date me after him so we not getting back together. That this is over. I was just like wow your in such a fantasy world right now. To me she seems she is on this drug of new relationship and can’t get enough. Not thinking what is going to lose and not even thought about the kids. Because when she has them she has grand parents take them while she goes sees him.

Well I gave her the divorce papers and now all she wants is money from the divorce. Saying it’s not fair! Wow she has some nerve talking about fairness and being reasonable. I just wanted to tell her off. Now she is wondering what she is going to do because we are selling everything to get our debts down for this divorce.

I want to say he is not going to want you now after you have nothing to offer him. Our big house will be gone. All your money will be going to bills now and not bar hopping like she is doing now.

I just fear maybe I filed the D papers too quick before she came to realize what she has done and cause. At the moment I really don’t know if I can forgive her. We been through a lot of heartaches and can’t believe that she would cheat! With such a scum of a guy too.

Now she just tells me I’m ruining her name out in public. I told her I’m not the one running around with another guy in public while still married. You are! I told her you should hear what they call you in the bars now! She is losing so much respect of the community because of her actions. I just wish she would wake up and see all the pain she has caused!

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I suggest you keep reading on SI. The healing library - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp - is a good place to start.

Are you drunk and angry all the time? Now is a time for keeping your wits about you. If you have a drinking problem, now is a good time to address it. Or is your W just blame-shifting?

From what you write, your W wants out of the M. How long does the D process take in your location? If you hope your W stops her behavior, can you slow down your D process?

An do you want your W back if she only wants the financial benefits of M?

What do you really want for your M?

I do not think you filed too quickly because she was telling you she wanted out of the marriage very directly. If anything, the Divorce papers will shock her back to her senses. If they do, you will hopefully see true remorse and at that point you can decide if you want to attempt to reconcile.

If they don't change her outlook, then you'll get the split over more quickly by having filed.

Losingit1,

YOu did not file too early. She has made her desires clear, and regardless of whether it makes sense or will work out, she seems like she is deadset to remain in unicorn-fart land. Get your finances straightened out and make sure she can do no damage to your credit or debt while you wait for D to go through. Then spend your time healing you (and I speak from experience- stay away from alcohol for a while. It did me no favors at all, made things much worse). Read read read here. Consider IC. Get exercise (good for mind and emotions and body).

Best case - she is shocked in to reality and gets her sh*t together. Meanwhile, you protect yourself and your finances. Other best case - she is unable or unwilling to do so and you have not wasted a minute more than necessary on her. You move on and live your best life.

The road is long and it sucks. But time does pass and you WILL get through this.

I am sorry you had to find us. Hang in there.

You're dropping a toxic attachment from your life and in time you'll see how much better off you could be without her. Your kids will also be glad you let the toxicity fall to the wayside one day.

Been sober 40 days. I got IC and she says she don’t need it. She only went to one MC session and quit because I was saying that she was cheating with a loser guy. That she didn’t want her dirty laundry aired. I have been working on my issues she said I have. Her zero!

As of now I don’t see her coming out of it anytime soon. I just wish she was drop this loser guy and just deal with the marriage crisis. She can’t hide behind it forever.

Yes she was blame shifting. Trying to get her parent to think I was a monster. They believed her but then after 3 weeks I told them the truth. They tried intervention but got shot down by her. So I know they would back down. She has gotten what she wanted her whole life.

I just wish she see the hurt these kids have. Asking when I’m coming home. Why can’t we do things together as a family anymore. Etc.

damn this lady destroy this marriage for her MLC. Which I think she is going through. Also she lost about 100 lbs of weight in last two years. She craves that attention now. Has no care but for herself. Self centered and has a big ego!

How can I stop trying thinking this will work out??

You didn't file to soon, it could always be stopped later. My case was similar to yours. My stbxw wanted to seperate, I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. Then Mr. Wonderful was discovered. Oh now it makes sense! Only after that was her bullshit list of grievances against me announced. She still hasn't snapped out of it a year later, acting like a drunk teenager. My D is almost done. It sounds like yours is going down the same path. This has nothing to do with you, it's her. All of us have flaws, nobody is perfect but don't believe what she tells you. It hurt me so bad but now I see through her bullshit so clearly, I have clarity. Please take care of yourself during this, I know it sucks. My stbxw AP dumped her, she then paraded around with a bunch of dudes, they got back and dumped again. She is now with current SO with whom she was seeing while still with AP. She is probably cheating on him too. If your wife is like mine she may just go down this road and there ain't no one gonna stop her. Just take care of you and if she snaps out of it you can stop the D.

Firstly I am sorry you find yourself in this position. Secondly, you did not file too soon as she as she is so self absorbed that she doesn't have time for anyone else. These other men are merely entertainment. You need to deal with custody, finances and helping your kids deal with this transition. I know it is difficult, but they need you right now. Physical exercise will help with the stress and make a healthier you. Spend time doing fun things with the kids and get so busy with your life that you don't have time to deal with hers.

Also if you have trouble eating, I did, smoothies saved my life. It also is something that I do daily still. Exercise was huge too, it helps to push everything out in a positive way. Take care of you so you can be there for the kids.

Great job on being sober, especially while going through such turmoil! I'm sorry your W has done this to your family and children. You and your children will survive. Take care of yourself. Take care of your children as much as you can since it sounds like you are not living in the home with them anymore.

Your wife is a mess and completely delusional. She's "wanted" by all these men for now she has debased herself and is now known as very quick menu sex ... you decide what you want and go out with her.

You need to AT LEAST to separate from this toxic woman. You need to discuss truth with your children. Tell them "mommy is acting funny and can't be mommy right now".

Be strong. So far, you've made every right move. Don't cave. Your wife needs some major counseling and self examination. If you say this is now over, we're all with you. If you think you have to give it time, you have to practice really tough love with this woman.

Something happened to her. It may be that she's become a drug addled idiot. She's acting like one. You said she's hanging out with a loser drug moron puke. That should tell you that she has serious dependency problems in all probability.

Keep posting. You've been incredibly smart so far. Your instincts are bringing you to ALL the right places. Good Luck!

[This message edited by rugswept at 4:00 PM, March 9th (Saturday)]

Hi, Losingit1. This shit storm sucks like none other, doesn't it? Fortunately you found the right place for help. You didn't file too soon. In fact it is my opinion no one ever really files too soon after being handed such a wonderful shit sandwich as infidelity. Whether you decide to reconcile or continue with divorce, the process takes a while. Divorces generally take 1 to 2 years to finalize depending on the state it was filed.

How can I stop trying thinking this will work out??

Let me ask you this. Just what kind of wife do you want to work it out with? The one you thought you knew, the one before all of this mess? Or do you want to R with wife you see now, who acts like she's in heat for every swinging dick out there? You see, just like your divorce process is going to take a while, so will it take some time for your wife to get her head out of her own ass to realize the destruction from her own actions. The one thing you can do is to continue moving forward and detach from her actions. Read up about the 180. Do what you can to protect your children. Do you have a temporary custody order in place?

The key here is the more you are in motion in moving forward the more you are forcing change, both for you and your WW. However, do what you can to be that stable parent for you kids. They only need one of you to maintain a sense of normalcy, their rock in this shit storm.

Losingit1,

Tell the grandparent and parents what she is doing, tell you kids and warn them.

The kind of OM she is hooked up with is a psychopathic user, I've seen them work and they work FAST. They have a seduction plan and they execute it perfectly. It's like your WW has been taken into a cult.

Put up financial and physical barriers as this OM will suck your families money dry and if you have hard assets guns, gold tools he'll have your WW steal them from you. Separate accounts, move things into storage, get a protection order for your kids.

[This message edited by survrus at 5:10 PM, March 9th (Saturday)]

Hi, welcome to SI. I'm so sorry you are now a member of this club.

Your wife cheated, and that is heartwrenching, there is never an excuse to cheat. Ever.

Gently, you must continue with your sobriety. Your actions are damaging to the marriage (still no reason to cheat, she had other options), and especially the children, they are living with an alcoholic father and a cheating mother. Right now I feel sorry for them. You need to step up to the plate, I am a child of an alcoholic, and the effects of living with an alcoholic parent can last a lifetime.

I don't think you filed for divorce too soon, but you must be on a strong path to maintain your sobriety and keep your children as secure as possible and their lives as normal as possible. Someone has to have the children's well being their first priority.

I just fear maybe I filed the D papers too quick before she came to realize what she has done and cause. At the moment I really don’t know if I can forgive her. We been through a lot of heartaches and can’t believe that she would cheat! With such a scum of a guy too.

Now she just tells me I’m ruining her name out in public. I told her I’m not the one running around with another guy in public while still married. You are! I told her you should hear what they call you in the bars now! She is losing so much respect of the community because of her actions. I just wish she would wake up and see all the pain she has caused!

You did NOT file too quick, she gave you no choice but to file, she's the one that said the M was done and who is still cheating on you with no intentions of stopping, this looks like an exit A to me. Let the D run its course and get out of infidelity, it will get better with time, you deserve someone who loves you and respects you, your WW is already thinking on the other OMs waiting in line, like someone else said she's probably cheating on OM already. Your M is dead, she killed it and you need to come to terms with it.

She’s no longer in control and it’s killing her! Cheaters like the status quo - support from the marriage AND the ability to cheat.

You’ve upset the Apple cart. How dare you!!!!

In all seriousness - beware of the cheater trying to control everything. Stand your ground in a calm rational way. You don’t need to engage in high drama. But havecsome responses ready such as:

I’m sorry. When you told me you wanted a Divorce I thought you were expecting me to file the papers.

Gee - I thought when you started dating another guy that our marriage was over. And to do that I just assumed I needed to file D papers.

I’m sorry. I don’t wish to share my wife with another guy.

Just three examples of things you should be prepared to say when she confronts you. Sorry it came to this.

So you only got sober AFTER she said she was done and cheated. What about the anger?

Something you need to know about women who stay with angry drunks: They will put up with a LOT, for many years, before giving up. The problem with that is that they slowly fall out of love with you. Every angry comment, every drunken escapade, makes them lose any feeling for you. By the time they say they are done, most women really ARE done. There's no love left to save. There's too much hurt and pain to give staying a thought.

While she did a horrible horrible thing, you were forsaking your marriage for many years.

Go ahead and divorce. There's nothing left to save.

Losingit, are you sure she's not on drugs too? Lots of time going out, dumping the kids off on their grandparents, dating a drug dealer, erratic and defensive behaviour. She sure sounds like someone who's currently using.

Take a breath, slow down, and read what everyone is telling you.

You did not file too early. Many told me to file right away and I didn't and in the long run it may or may not work out for me.

Do you think you have an alcohol problem? If it is even a blip on the radar then get into rehab/counseling immediately and take care of YOU. The affair is on HER. Not you.

If she is willing to blow up her family to go sleep with a deadbeat then let her.

The list of guys is likely for the pump and dump type. They are not going to stick around and take care of her.

Yes, she's in what's called NRE (New Relationship Energy). It is like a drug.

All the attention to her. No worries. etc...

It will fizzle. And when it does she'll likely come back crawling.

Then it's your decision on what to do.

Take care of those kids and you.

Her karma is soon coming.

Just wait.

Hang in there brother. It will be a bumpy ride. But it will not last forever.

Sorry you are here with the rest of us.

God bless

This too shall pass