SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all,

Thank you all so much for voicing your cares & worries,

I’ll message later after work properly, I just wanted to let you know I’m safe & functioning normal due to a very good nights sleep...WH & nightmare free..go figure 😊

Spoke to the kids last night...yep they are genuinely confused how he’s made everything about him, would be funny if it wasn’t so sad!

Have a lot to think about in the next few days/weeks/months with so much happening DIL still hasn’t given birth & 3 of my other GC are being christened Sunday so that should be interesting 🤔

(((Scooby)))

You know that baby is coming Sunday Morning, and will set the trend of being the center of attention from that point on. LOL.

We plan.... God Laughs.

Glad you were able to sleep. IT really does help keep you sane.

Yay for raising strapping, loving sons!

Stay vigilant, be careful - maybe install cameras in and around your house since he will still have access. I would see a lawyer immediately regarding a legal separation/eventual divorce papers if you go that route.

Gently, were your son's aware of the video/affair at the time it happened? I can't imagine they would be to happy with him no matter when they found out though.

Just a thought, could his escalated behavior be related to his health? Mentally and/or physically?

I ask bc after all was said and done with my FWHs affair (a year after) it was found out he had a chronic disease that presented early on and caused depression first (which is where his anger issues reared up) and once he got on medication that helped with the depression & his syndrome, his personality returned to the loveable gent I fell in love with.

NOT making excuses for your WHs actions and reactions since DDay but it is something to look into - and YES, he needs to be out of the house until he can control himself and change (you said he has been like this forever though). I kicked mine out bc of his anger issues too.

(hugs)

Edie,

Thank you, thats why I used the name Scoobydoo, when you type into a search engine...you only see the cartoons & its what my dogs called :)

tbh it doesn't really bother me, all friends & family know everything, WH is so wrapped up in himself he wouldn't even take time to think about where I'm getting help, support, strength or advice from, he just doesn't get it!

NotTheManIWas,

haha you will be pleased to know its been 2 nights now, I believe thats my best step forward, NO WH...just my Dog.

Beauchateaux

I understand exactly where your coming from, I'm 50/50 whether i trust him to escalate even further, or calm it down enough he doesn't lose his kids. Only time will tell.

Hurtmyheart,

I don't think I've ever experienced this many emotions in such a short space of time, but I guess this is whats expected when things have been swept under the rug for far to long!

Trust me I've no interest in playing games with him, his games are about control..im past that!!

seems as though a good nights sleep makes you more tired the following night as I went straight to sleep after getting home to an empty house (just me & my dog) we slept like babies!!

WH stayed at my other sons house last night & looks to be doing the same tonight, all 3 have taken in turns,

The texts have started this morning already

He's sorry

He will change

He won't bully me anymore

He won't try to manipulate me anymore

He won't hide or ruin my things anymore

BLA BLA BLA

The trouble is

I DONT BELIEVE HIM, even though a tiny (& I mean tinchy tiny) bit of me wants to!

Tushnurse

Baby still not here yet, so you could be right lol.

MamaDragon

He hasn't been here while I have as he knows my routine pretty well.

No they definitely weren't aware of anything while they were away, my eldest (the stag) was deeply upset by his actions as he thinks my WH has ruined everything about his wedding in that 1 act of his.

WH is a bit of a hypochondriac so trust me theres nothing a doctor wouldn't of already found.

GC christening still to come which I'm dreading now as he will be drinking ALOT!!!

I know I keep saying this but I will say it again & again Thank you for all taking the time to read/comment/advise & support me with your messages/cares/worries & support,

truly is remarkable how much its helping me

forever grateful

xx

Well, you could tell him that all his promises mean nothing until he has several months of IC under his belt, and then you can talk about it. Even if you D he will still be the father of your kids and having some IC hopefully will make him behave better.

And you could say as a very first step that you want him to refrain from alcohol at the christening so as not to take any risk of impaired judgment when tempers are running so high. Refraining yourself also might be a good idea.

I am glad you are finding your core of steel. I know this is so very hard. Hugs to you and your pup!

Scooby:

You have been doing so very well. I hope one of your young lads will make it clear to your WH that any drunkenness or causing a scene at the christening is unacceptable. He needs to leave you alone at the event. I hope your family will surround you and make the event about the children and not let his selfishness intervene. You have been a great partner and W. You deserve so much better. I hope that the D process goes quickly and you will only have minimal contact with him after that. Best of luck with the christening.

*hugs* stay strong Scooby!

I believe you deserve a spa day - or at least a day doing only what makes you happy.

Hopefully your sons have been talking to their Dad about their relationships, and hopefully he is listening so that he doesn't lose them as well. I know his boys feel like he betrayed them too, especially the one who was getting married. I hope he was able to express his anger with his father - and that your son realizes his Dad's actions in no way colored his wedding.

Maybe, just maybe this is what he needed to snap him out of it. You never know, miracles do happen.

Odonna,

Thats 1 of the main reasons we're in this predicament bc he wouldn't even contemplate IC for himself me or our marriage.

He's never refrained from drinking under any circumstances so I won't hold my breath on changing now.

Fareast,

All 3 boys & Daughter have laid the rules out very clearly to him whats happening on Sunday, Its a deal breaker for them if he ruins this family occasion, they won't tolerate any trouble from him.

MamaDragon,

I'm holding out for my trip in oh um 2 weeks today (not counting the days really) lol,

Yes my eldest has definitely struggled with his behaviour most bc of when he done it, I was so proud that day I smiled from morning till night, trust me its in everyone of the pictures how bursting I was, its taken me a while but he's finally been convinced my WH hasn't ruined my view of his special day so it shouldn't ruin his memories.

Im not a believer of miracles anymore I'm afraid

I have had a bit of a surprise today, I normally spend Fridays with my 3 DIL's & GC,

however I couldn't today as pregnant DIL had an appointment with the midwife, so while we were having lunch I just said I wonder if my kids would be forgiving if it was myself that had committed the infidelity...

her reply; "NO definitely NO, you have always been the backbone in the family, if you had done this they would never of forgiven you, they had always known about there dads behaviour & always knew he would do it again from things they had heard & seen over the years" remember they are 28, 25 & the twins are 23.

The only surprise for all of them was when it was done & how it came to light.

This has completely shocked me,

no surprise on;

OW age, 22

WH Still thinks he's young enough to star in his own porno films

He kept the video's for his solo entertainment

all the dick pictures posing in front of mirrors (52 yrs old)

they have always believed him to be a bit of a perve..WTF

I'm seriously at a loss atm, completely dumbfounded, saddened, troubled & upset with this bomb today :(

your probably bored now, but I had to share this with 'someone' I can't make sense of it..

[This message edited by Scoobydoo at 9:20 AM, April 12th (Friday)]

I am so sorry Scooby. Are you upset with your family for keeping their observations and suspicions from you all these years? I’ll bet they thought they were protecting you, but by their silence they allowed his behavior to continue without consequence. I know I would have very mixed feeling about this.

You are probably in shock over learning this, but I hope you can have a calm talk with your sons about what they saw and knew and what their thinking was about whether you should be told. I can tell they love you very much so I hope you can all talk openly and with compassion on all sides.

Take good care of yourself today.

Well the surprises have kept on coming,

HES A LYING CHEATING PERVERTED FKR

I logged into my iPad to update my new banking details,

SHOCKINGLY it no longer had my mail attached to it, it had his!

My WH has been living a double life for the last 5 yrs that I know about (now I have no doubt its probably been our whole marriage)

He's been a member of a swingers site for 5 yrs 5 fkn yrs!!!!!!

HIs interests

young single girls

voyerism

blow jobs

sex

masturbation

dogging

pictures

VIDEO"S

SO guys there we have it all my answers for all my questions since Dec 17

thats how he met that SK**K & many more no doubt

I didn't think anything else he done or did could possibly hurt me anymore

im gutted

devastated

hurt

bone deep heartbroken

please please give me something...I don't want to feel this pain anymore

I want to stop crying,

I feel broken beyond words

(((Scooby)))

Sweetie, I wish we could take your pain and give it to him He deserves it. You do not.

Turn the pain into anger. Get screen shots off that iPad. There's a way, I just forget how. Maybe someone here can tell us. Something with the home button and side buttons (depending on the age of the device).

Document, document, document.

And he's cycling. Denial, rage, pity, charm.

Don't listen to any of it. Just keep documenting. Secret cameras? Maybe your kids can help with that. No more meeting or talking to him alone or without recording or proof.

Scooby:

(((Hugs))) to you. Sorry about the new revelations. He is such a special wanker isn’t he. I’m sorry you are going through this, but in the long run it is better that you can learn as much as possible. Please continue in IC for you. Do special things for you. Concentrate on things that you enjoy. As much as possible detach and focus on things you can control. You are now seeing him as he really is. Believe it. Good luck.

I have got all I needed from the iPad already, I literally thought about advice given frequently on here about gaining evidence, as soon as I refused to believe his lies he knew I had proof so tried convincing the kids it was a 1 time mistake

I took pictures of it all, every single interest, message,

his profile details, including him logging into it an hour previous to me finding it, he changed all details (email & swinging site) within 15 minutes of me logging off

I have gone feral, shouted, screamed, threatened & then lost it, he's gone, he's out drinking now, the only time he will be in my house from now on will be with 1 of my kids getting the rest of his shit.

Why??

why would someone who's meant to love you so much do this to them?

he was meant to be my best friend, my everything!!

what a load of SHIT!!!!

(((Scooby)))

Look, this is awful. But now you know, no more doubt, no more questions, no more gaslighting and no more hope. You know who he is now. When I finally had the truth first thought was disbelief and then came VINDICATION. The battle to save the relationship was over. Use your information to jump start your new life. Legal and financial help as well as a therapist. Don’t struggle to understand this, you will never get it because you have integrity and morals.

Let your kids know what you deem necessary and allow them to help you cope.

I am so sorry.

Your WH needs to be dumped by the whole family! Your WH has not been loyal to any of you! You all should just dump his ass and go tell him to fix himself if he wants to continue to have a relationship with the family! Set those boundries!

My friends husband was like this and the only way to get it to stop was to divorce her WH and get him out of her life! And she did! After 3 years, he is still doing the same behavior. Sick mind!

And the drinking! He sounds alcoholic. I bet he's taken all of you for a ride. Set your boundries and tell him no drinking or don't bothering coming to the event. It's time to quit being so lenient on him. He doesn't get to run the show anymore. That is part of the problem, he has done anything he wanted to do for so long. There has been no boundries.

If the two of you should R, I will tell you that it will be an extremely difficult journey. I wish I had separated from my WH and told him to fix himself if he wanted to come back into my life. He also was a heavy drinker. He doesn't drink anymore and has turned his life around but the damage is done.

Alcohol really messes with the brain. I rode out the emotional roller coaster with my WH and it got worse before it got better. Now I have serious emotional issues to overcome, PTSD. And it may never go away.

Maybe take an antidepressant to help you with the emotional pain you are dealing with, along with IC and support from family and friends? I'm glad you are letting everyone know about his antics.

It does get better as you gain strength but I will tell you that what you are going through is severe trama.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 3:55 PM, April 12th (Friday)]

Your WH has not hit rock bottom because he still has a soft place to land, your children.

Thank you,

Yeh the kids will do everything they can to support me, however I won't ask them to chose between him & I, I just don't think thats fair to ask that of them, he's still there dad. I've yet to tell my eldest this latest bomb...im actually worried about what his response will be knowing the whole video thing was very likely planned around his stag weekend away.

Tbh I don't think it will be long before he loses them anyway from his own actions or lack of. He will end up alone, uninvited to family gatherings & only like minded drinkers or slappers to keep him company,

My sons have already told him sofa surfing with them is now OVER!!

how do you legally declare a separation?

afraid to say I'm pretty ignorant of anything legal wise!

I'm so sorry for this new blow, Scooby. Gently, I suspect the women that your WH has been interacting with through this "swingers" group are actually prostitutes. I hate to raise this when you're already so down, but I don't see that you've been able to complete your STD testing (I may have missed it in your thread), and I worry about the financial resources he may be squandering without your knowledge. Young women are almost never interested in NSA sex with middle-aged men who give a laundry list of "sexual interests" without getting something in return. I mean, really, blowjobs? Please do everything you can as soon as you can to protect your physical and financial health. You've shown your strength already, and I know you'll get through this.

I, I just don't think thats fair to ask that of them, he's still there dad

He forgot about his kids and when was doing his shit

I won't blame you and the kids if you told him he is not welcomed in the family anymore

[This message edited by max2018 at 11:57 PM, April 12th (Friday)]

Oh Scooby! So very painful.

Shockedmom is correct though. Now you will be out of the limbo of hope. Now you know who he really is, and has been. You do need to forgive yourself for believing in him all this time. That was out of love and you have a big heart and loved him as you should.

The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference, and that should be your goal. The anger will continue for quite a while, of course, but in the throes of it ask yourself: “why do I care?; he is out of my life; he does not deserve my emotional upset!”

Gradually you will get there.

Your sons should make sure he is disinvited to the christening tomorrow; no one needs to look at him at that happy event, and be flooded with thoughts about what he has done.

So sorry you are going through this....