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I'm so sorry, Scooby. I knew this was likely the case. No one just takes tons of naked selfies for no reason. You don't have to make your sons choose but you also don't have to keep his dirty little secrets any longer either. Tell the oldest when you're ready. He may already know about it from the younger two.

See a lawyer right away. Ask them about separation and divorce. Get the information that you need to move forward.

Scooby, each state is different. You might be able to find what you need by googling it but you seriously need a lawyer first thing Monday. Protect yourself.

Good luck today! No matter what happens take the high road and enjoy your children and those grand-babies!

Fingers crossed for you!

Sending you strength today.

Please take tomorrow to see an attorney.

You need to learn and understand your rights and his obligations and what is and is not legal.

Take some time for you and do this.

It's a new concept for you but you must always absolutely make yourself your first priority.

Scooby, Hope the christening is beautiful. Don’t let him taint the occasion.

And tomorrow see a lawyer and start protecting your finances. Tell your oldest. It is his dad, as you said, and he should know the truth. It’s up to him then how he interacts with his dad. But you should not be protecting your WS from the truth of his own actions.

I am so sorry. I promise you will get through this. Hug your pup and take deep breaths.

Scooby-I’m late to the good luck today wishes, but good luck anyhow. Also, may I suggest you dress amazing, don’t give him the time of day, act confident, and trust eventually you’ll feel that way (confident in your choices)! He will see what’s been lost, but you get to go on with your head up.

Thank you for all your well wishes, I had an amazing day as well as all my kids & GC, including the new arrival from Saturday...Ava finally arrived weighing in at a healthy 8lb 5oz, mother father & baby doing brilliantly

Didn't need to get the kids to chose they made the decisions themselves telling him if he wanted to be a part of their lives he had to either sort his shit out & be a grown ass man or walk away from all of us.

He's now admitting he has a problem & is going to get advice & IC to work on his issues, he's already got an appointment next week with a councillor.

it may be to late for us but I think he still needs to do this for himself.

I'm going to continue concentrating on myself,

As from yesterday ALL the money has been returned to the bank,

clothes & belongings returned as well!!

Can this be a midlife crisis? I think thats what my kids want to believe it is!

Congrats on the new grand baby, Ava! How wonderful. I am so glad the events on Sunday went well. Scooby, put yourself first at this point. Make you a priority. Do things that you enjoy moving forward. My thoughts go,out to your family as you continue to heal. Most importantly, enjoy the new GC!

Congratulations! A ray of sunshine in your life. Focus on the joy and excitement for awhile.

Congrats on the baby, and the events on Sunday.

Do I think it's a midlife crisis? No I don't.

Listen, him doing some work is going to light your Hopium pipe, and it will make it more difficult for you to walk away, as he will do the minimum to give you hope, but remember who he has always been.

I would urge you to move forward with your plan, see an attorney, draw up papers, and focus on you. If he does the real work, to understand and fix his shit, then you can reconsider your choices, but his history has shown you who he truly is. A broken man, that is probably somewhat of a narcissist. A man that has always done whatever he wants with total disregard to you and your needs, and certainly has not shown you the respect and honor you deserve.

Thank you so much everyone...she is such a peach a real ray of sunshine for all of us,

He was excluded from her birth as I was there through it all.

Tushnurse,

Yeah I'm with you on this 1, I think he's only saying & doing the minimum for the 'kids' sake, I know he was deeply hurt, upset, & dare I say it SHOCKED when the kids "took my side" his words not mine.

I have an appointment straight after my weeks holiday with a solicitor.

As far as I'm concerned we have no future regardless of his decisions/progress or any steps he takes in his own journey forward.

Congratulations on little Ava! And I am glad your kids are protecting you and made sure the christening event was joyous and peaceful.

Do you think there is any chance that he restored the money and returned your belonging because he honestly "woke up" to the wrongfulness of those actions? Or did he just do it at the kids' insistence in order to make nice and suck everyone in so he can return to his established ways once everyone calms down? You can tell which one I think it is.... And you know what his past practice is with such childish moves, and I am guessing you can quote decades of chapter and verse on that.

Are you keeping a journal? Documenting everything might be a good idea to keep you focused on preserving your own well-being.

[This message edited by Odonna at 11:18 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

Can this be a midlife crisis? I think thats what my kids want to believe it is!

I'm sure they do. Do they know your recent findings that this has been going on for years and probably even longer?

Congrats on Ava! What a pretty name!

Hey,

Thank you again,

Yes they are well aware of everything & how long it’s been going on, to say they are disappointed is an understatement, he sees it now just how badly he’s let me & the kids down, he wants to sort himself out, I’m still on the fence as to if I even care tbh!!

But I will support my kids while they are supporting him.

I can’t do it for him but I will do it for them.

However if he hurts them anymore I will make it my life’s ambition to destroy him!!

I’m staying calm and collected as much as I can

Thank the heavens for this site & all of you though, I don’t think I’d be able to do this if it wasn’t for all of you 😘

Your WH is "shocked" because the kid's disapprove of your WH behavior?? That's a joke, isn't it?

I'm glad your kid's are not being blindsided by your WH and his emotional pleas. I'm glad you are staying true to yourself, Scooby.

My WH did something recently that was hurtful. We had gone on two separate camping trips with my kid's and dog's and didn't have much time to connect with each other. So, he took it upon himself to seek validation (or make me jealous) with another women. (This has been his go to behavior for the past 8 years, until he was called out and we almost divorced). I was already at my limit and I had a meltdown. Sorry but a person sometimes can only take so much. I did something that I am not proud of. And rather than allow my WH to hold it over my head, I told my daughter what I did and she said good!!! It shut my WH up.

I believe the more we expose, the better the chances are that the person will change. It's almost like a long term intervention.

I just find it so odd that your WH is so shocked that your kid's don't support his actions and behaviors but not surprised.

Tell him to quit drinking and attend AA meetings also. If your WH loves the family and wants to have them be part of their lives, he will jump through hoops to change himself. At this point, he is in disbelief that anyone would even questions his behaviors since he's been able to get away with it for so long.

Congratulations on the new baby! So exciting!

You and your kid's are on the right path out of infidelity and healing, Scooby!

Hey Scooby! With a new grand-baby to dote on, you are understandably busy right now, but I just wanted to let you know that there are people here who think about just about every day and are hoping you are doing well.

I asked you a question a bit ago that I hope you might answer now: did WH return the money and your things under duress from the kids but without real remorse or a resolve to change? Based on what you know of him is punitive conduct normal for him? Could he ever really change from a deep internal inventory of himself, or would it be superficial?

I ask, NOT to suggest R is possible, but because your life as an ex-spouse is still going to involve a big joint family, and he owes it to THEM to become a better person if he can.

I hope you are enjoying little Ava!!

[This message edited by Odonna at 7:33 AM, April 20th (Saturday)]

Hurtmyheart,

Yes myself & my kids think its a joke, The kids & WH are fully aware of all details as to why I put up with his shit for all these yrs, now they are fully in the loop its completely different.

They are giving me the strength & determination to be strong.

I no longer need him for anything, I no longer want him for anything, (don't get me wrong I still have some days where I really just want to forget everything & slip right back to BEFORE all of this) but I won't,

I think he hates the loss of control he had over me!

Odonna

haha the grandbabies are certainly keeping me busy...I love it

Really not sure why he returned everything tbh, I know the kids were very pissed about the money, clothes, cars etc,

so maybe for that reason it all got returned.

My WH is like a child really, he has always wanted & needed constant reassurance, he's the good guy, he's popular, he's 1 of the 'lads', he's a good dad, he's a good husband bla bla bla,

We did go out this weekend for our twin GC's 1st birthday to an animal farm as a family, All kids & GC (also with WH), managed to have a pretty amazing day even with him there, I'm a very hands on nanny so I played with the kids constantly, he did get more involved than usual which was nice for the kids.

3 more sleeps till my weeks holiday

I'm soooo bloody excited

Good for you, Scooby!