SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, My BS has reminders/Triggers of the A.

I am not sure what to do for some of these, As most are illogical and do not make sense to me. He never knew of the affair, Until he caught me, Coming in the door at 12 midnight.

No matter how illogical they're I understand he is in a world of shock, confusion, and anger. So I never once said you're nuts or you're wrong etc I just listen to his frustrations and try to comfort him.

DD 12/01/18

Heres a breakdown of the triggers/reminders.

We live on the busiest street in town, hundreds of cars drive by daily. With that, People honk ALL the time, ALL hours of the day. We have lived here since 2008. He thinks OM is the one honking is horn every time. Which is illogical to me, We 99.9% of the time never know who it is, it could be anyone honking, at any house on this street. It is not something OM has ever done.

The towns fire whistle. OM is a fireman and EMT. Hubby learned this after looking him up on FB.

Computer - Hubby thinks I set up phony Google, Facebook, Yahoo sites and thinks when he sees me on them I am somehow chatting with OM. Again, illogical. He has seen I blocked OM on my phone and FB. Plus, he is 98% of the time next to me when I am online, I work from home and online.

Texting my brother - He thinks, despite showing him text records, knowing my brother's number. BS thinks I manipulated the records and my phone and still thinks I am texting OM. I show BS EVERY text my brother sends including photos he sends of my niece and nephew. BS thinks I manipulated the texts.

White Trucks OM drives a white truck

OM's name its a very popular man's name we hear it on TV A LOT

Going to the bathroom at night - I have to hold it in all night, If I so much as move, he thinks I am going out to cheat. One night I had to go so bad, I was getting pain down there. I told him I am going pee, I was gone only a minute. He turned it into a huge fight and said I was gone too long and asked where I really went. I mean literally I was only a minute I remember the clock saying 2:03 AM I came back at 2:04 AM

Any ideas? Tips to help ease the reminders/triggers for my BS?

I have done what I thought was right to give up all my freedom, he has full access to my phone, social media profiles, and emails. I have shown him every text log/phone call records from my Verizon account.

I have assured him, nothing more is going on. I want to be with him. I have apologized for the A over and over. I have shown extreme remorse for my actions. I even suggested maybe he would be more comfortable with me using his phone to text my brother and even giving up my computer, he refused those options.

I ask if he wants to talk like I stated in previous posts he thinks I want a divorce if I bring up that option.

[This message edited by PAMom45 at 5:30 PM, March 18th (Monday)]

He’s severely traumatized. He needs individual counselling.

I second with Mene. He needs IC desperately. This is most definitely a severe case of trauma.

You cannot do much but keep trying to be authentic and honest at all times, even if he doesn't believe you.

Research IC and suggest it to him with logical arguments about why it's a good choice for him. This is a crisis time and your feelings of frustration need to take a back seat to focus on the bigger picture.

From what I can recal from your other posts, your H abused you before, right? Maybe it is high time that a professional got involved.

Unfortunately, you can't know what he's thinking about, just like he can't know what's really on your mind because the trust has been shattered and every BS reacts in a mirade of ways to that very fact.

At this point, he needs to heal himself. I'm not saying you shouldn't participate and not show all the signs that you are remorseful. I'm guessing this is more of a BS heals BS kind of scenario.

I honestly don't think this is a severe reaction to trauma. However any trauma of this kind is tragic and severe. The complete lack of trust is normal, questioning everything, being on edge. All normal. Is it fun for you? absolutely not the grief, pain and anger our BSs express can be tough to face sometimes. I promise he's not enjoying it either.

Infidelity is crazy making shit. It truly surprised me in some ways others not so much. Of course to us some triggers might be beyond our comprehension. You have the truth so you know that horn isn't the AP, you know you are talking to your brother, you know you don't have a secret email, but all he has to go on is your truth, and it's meaningless. Don't expect him to be thinking critically 4 months out, he has trauma brain and he's probably still bleeding out profusely.

I have done what I thought was right to give up all my freedom, he has full access to my phone, social media profiles, and emails. I have shown him every text log/phone call records from my Verizon account.

I have assured him, nothing more is going on. I want to be with him. I have apologized for the A over and over. I have shown extreme remorse for my actions. I even suggested maybe he would be more comfortable with me using his phone to text my brother and even giving up my computer, he refused those options.

These are definitely the right steps to becoming a safe spouse. Keep it up. It's not going to change anything overnight though. His biggest trigger is you, and after proving you are capable of this kind of betrayal, it takes a lot of time and actions on your part to establish that you can be safe. That was my first priority. To just stop the bleeding with truth and safe actions. It works to help them ground again. I would suggest that you open yourself with patience and compassion to his triggers. My BH still triggers 3 years out. They aren't exactly the same as in the early days, but the mistrust and hurt surface.

Don't tiptoe around it. You gotta pee, go. Then come back and face his pain and mistrust. I know that seems silly to you for him to freak out in a minutes time over needing to use the bathroom. Triggers don't play nice, instant fuckery. He's not doing it on purpose, it's his trauma. The trauma you inflicted on him. Own it and face it. I agree that our BSs have to take on healing they never asked for, that's part of the shit sandwich we feed them. And while you are limited in the healing department the help you offer will make a difference in how he heals.

4 months in and I doubt much healing is going on anyway. He's probably still trying to just recover from the blow, let him catch his breath. Let him go through the process of recovering, there's no point in rushing anything. They say it could take 2-5 years to heal from this kind of betrayal. So the time that's passed is just a drop in the healing bucket. You have 1000s of step before you on this journey. It's a long road.

Yes we want to be available to talk and not wait for them to bring it up. Sometimes the way we approach it makes a difference. Saying "do you want to talk" vs "I see you struggling tell me how I can help" opens the conversation. Kwim? I didn't know what my BH needed, in fact I was clueless about everything. I had to ask often, and it only helps when you deliver on those needs.

Good luck PAmom, this might be the hardest thing you ever go through. Practice some self care for yourself.

I was going to reply to your post about reading "hthyshfya" but you've deleted it. I did read it before hand so let me make a suggestion here.

If I could have a do over in the aftermath of dday. I would ask my BH to read it, for one purpose. To highlight the things that would help HIM. I took that book to heart and made it my bible. Why my H didn't speak up and tell what didn't work, I don't know. But some of the suggestions weren't helpful for him. And because I didn't know I kept doing it. Oh he would eventually tell me to stop with it but only after it reached a point that he was angry. But don't force it on your H, if he thinks it would help him to read it and point out the things you could be doing better, great. If not, great.

But most importantly you will know exactly what he needs at any given time if you just ask. The roller coaster he's on might have him all over the place for some time to come, but if you are checking in you'll have an idea to what might help in the moment.

I am 14 months out. I have PTSD. Pretty high on the scale of trauma.

When you trigger, the rational part of the brain goes offline. The amygdala takes over and it has only 3 responses, fight, flight, freeze. When you are in freeze is when the trauma happens.

Example, WH was leaving on a business trip. He has been NC with OW for 14 months. His affair was while he was away on business trip. Suddenly, my brain shuts down and it feel like it is happening NOW, like I am out of my body and observing him going away to meet the OW and spend the week before. I am unable to make a difference between that was happening a year and a half ago and now.

He was absolutely confused, and kept saying, it is not happening now. To me, it was happening now and I couldn’t stop it. I dropped him off, threw his luggage out of the car and got out of there as fast as I could (flight). Then I had a massive panic attack and was hysterical for about 15 min.

When my rational brain came back online, about 30 min later, I was like WTF just happened. Trauma is not logical. Ask him what he needs you to do when it happens. I a need WH to hold me very tight (even if I fight him) and talk to me, tell me that if am safe and that he is very sorry. Over and over again.

He might not know, you might have to try different things. What is his love language? Try to respond from a place of empathy not from this is illogical or irrational. Don’t try to explain why this is not happening now. Empathy and apology, over and over, IMO.

From what I read, you cheated on an abuser.? If so, this is going to take a long time. It already takes a long time for well adjusted individuals. Abusers have low self confidence and esteem to begin with. He already has problems and issues and you just threw gasoline on problems he should have addressed more to begin with. You can't fix him or help him heal. There is no going back...ever. In the span of a few days you have declared that the most helpful book a wayward could read was pointless and threw it out to listening to it twice. I suggest you read it and not just listen to it. Highlight what is useful to fixing you. Write notes in the margins. Focus on you and why you cheated and why you stayed in a marriage like this. Cheating is crazy making stuff. Every 20/20 and Dateline is practically about people killing over this shit. You can't even step away to pee. No, it isn't logical. (Neither is cheating and to choose to do it in a powder keg toxic marriage isn't logical without leaving. So to call what is logical is being a hypocrite right now.) Yes, it is understandable his illogical. Have you posted in the I Can Relate thread for spouses with abusers?

BS here – no stop sign. And as a BS I’m reading these and quite frankly they all seem logical to me in light of the trauma inflicted upon him. I’m going to break them down one on one for you in an attempt to get you in his head for a moment. Not to be cruel – but to show you how these dots connect.

We live on the busiest street in town, hundreds of cars drive by daily. With that, People honk ALL the time, ALL hours of the day. We have lived here since 2008. He thinks OM is the one honking is horn every time. Which is illogical to me, We 99.9% of the time never know who it is, it could be anyone honking, at any house on this street. It is not something OM has ever done.

Logic goes out the window. He is afraid it is OM sending a “signal”. When I learned AP [who lives hours away in another state] drove by my house and beeped on a few occasions…it is still unsettling.

The towns fire whistle. OM is a fireman and EMT. Hubby learned this after looking him up on FB.

Gently – WH shouldn’t have had to learn anything online. It should all come from you. Any Emergency Responder vehicle by sight or sound is a horrific reminder.

Computer - Hubby thinks I set up phony Google, Facebook, Yahoo sites and thinks when he sees me on them I am somehow chatting with OM. Again, illogical. He has seen I blocked OM on my phone and FB. Plus, he is 98% of the time next to me when I am online, I work from home and online.

This one will most likely always be a problem. Because people in affairs do this. AP did it for my WH. And for 15 months they took the A underground I checked and was shown she was blocked on all forums. I too sat right next to WH while he was on the phone, secure in the fact that AP was blocked – and he was STILL finding ways to communicate with her. Those who have lied and cheated are well versed in ways to lie and cheat. He may never be comfortable with this. Honestly but gently – you need to accept this.

Texting my brother - He thinks, despite showing him text records, knowing my brother's number. BS thinks I manipulated the records and my phone and still thinks I am texting OM. I show BS EVERY text my brother sends including photos he sends of my niece and nephew. BS thinks I manipulated the texts. Seems illogical to me.

Doesn’t matter [for the time being anyway]. People can lie and manipulate. I too was shown things. WH hid AP contact name under quite logical names I’d never suspect. And using the suffix of a business name beneath them so I wouldn’t worry or think anything when a Contractor name showed up.

White Trucks OM drives a white truck

AP drives a white SUV. I trigger every time I see one. It could be the AP sniffing around.

OM's name its a very popular man's name we hear it on TV A LOT

AP has one that’s been in the news lately. I have a co-worker with the same name. I trigger EVERY TIME.

Going to the bathroom at night - I have to hold it in all night, If I so much as move, he thinks I am going out to cheat. One night I had to go so bad, I was getting pain down there. I told him I am going pee, I was gone only a minute. He turned it into a huge fight and said I was gone too long and asked where I really went. I mean literally i was only a minute I remember the clock saying 2:03 AM I came back at 2:04 AM

If you have snuck away to text/message AP before even simple middle of the night bodily functions cause fear and dread. This is also normal [for the time being]

I ask if he wants to talk like I stated in previous posts he thinks I want a divorce if I bring up that option.

That is perceived as a threat “If you don’t X or if you think X or if you feel X we can always just D” You may see it as bowing out gracefully – he hears and processes “if you don’t fall in line to what I [the one who did you wrong] think I’ll just leave your [insert insult here] a**".

Any ideas? Tips to help ease the reminders/triggers for my BS?

Please – put yourself in his shoes. What would you think or feel if roles were reversed? That’s your key. He’s reacting. Think how you would react if you were him. I hope you are able to be authentic and ease him through. You need to be humble and reassuring.

And – I can’t stress this enough – don’t tell him his triggers are illogical! That is worse than salt on the already raw and gaping wound. A wound you caused. You haven’t listed an “illogical” trigger yet. Thinking his triggers are illogical might be your undoing.

Edited to add the following:

ALL that being said - if I read/remember right and he is/has abused you. You need to be honest with yourself. Do you want to save your marriage?

I gave the response as a BS reacting horribly to triggers. My intent is to point out that while they seem "illogical" to you - they are perfectly "logical" to the betrayed. IF you feel your BS is manufacturing and/or using triggers as a way to control/manipulate/abuse - please get help.

I sincerely hope you are in some sort of IC to help you figure it all out.

[This message edited by Chaos at 7:56 AM, March 18th (Monday)]

Sounds like ptsdwto me which is a very real thing after infidelity.

I still have ptsd from the infidelity. Don’t minimize it. It takes over rational thinking. Every trigger is traumatizing and there is no way to know when a lot of the triggers will take place.

Rational thinking doesn’t always exist when there is ptsd. It does feel like the your thought are real. It does make your brain freeze and focus on what’s triggering you. It definitely makes you think unreasonably.

He needs IC to help him deal with it.

BS here...all logic , at least by your opinion goes out the window when it comes to the trauma of the betrayal.

Please try to understand this from your H's point of view.

I could not enter the properties that we co-own that WH's whore tainted. Even though I have conquered some of my triggers , I still cannot do some of the things that I logically

" should " be able to do

I often find myself having irrational fears , which thankfully I can calm myself down about now. But in the initial months, I was full on PTSD that sometimes was crippling to me emotionally and physically.

I would encourage you to both seek IC. H should find someone who specializes in in infidelity trauma.

Please do not minimize his pain or suggest that what he feels isn't valid or logical. He has been deeply hurt

BS here. PTSD dx from the A. What may be illogical to you is perfectly logical to someone experiencing PTSD.

I am a tough, sassy, strong, confident, very well educated, badass (and yes,that was my nickname for years before dday). I barely cried at funerals. In the aftermath of dday I found myself:

- crying in a fetal position in the middle of a golf course long after dark when I was supposed to be at a charity event inside the clubhouse

- self harming (by burning my own skin)

- unable to focus on my job for months , and having to excuse myself from Lord knows how many meetings to go to my office and cry.

- praying that my plane would crash so I could die w/o committing suicide

- going full nights without sleeping a minute

- regularly vomiting (often at very inconvenient times) from my own body's reaction to the A

- fantasizing about killing my WH and myself.... fantasizing about beating up the AP

- suffering from uncontrollable physical shaking (but beats crying on the golf course)

- crying on a filthy floor (also in a fetal position) for hours

- breaking all sorts of physical objects (especially glass)

- ripping up a cherished family photo taken around the time the PA first began

- screaming horrific things that should never be said to another human being

- alone in a hotel room with another man deciding if I had it in me for a revenge A (I don't)

- sleeping on a lawn chair outside so my kids couldn't hear me cry all night

- jolting awake in the middle of the night in extreme panic

- having panic attacks (feels like I'm having a heart attack)

- obsessing in more ways than I can describe

I could go on & on. It's trauma. You cannot stop the triggers. You cannot undo what has been done. Nothing you can do about it but buckle in and hang on for the ride - or, as you said: "listen to his frustrations and try to comfort him." Ideally, you could ASK what you can do to help him get THROUGH this (and through is the ONLY way). He is processing this, it can take a very long time (and he may experience triggers for the rest of his life, whether you D or your M becomes the greatest thing since sliced bread).

I'm hesitant here bc you indicate your BH has had violence in your history, and I don't know how that may shift things. So, gently:

I read through your earlier posts, and IMO, there needs to be an attitude shift. Phrases like "give up all my freedom" are not helpful to you or to your BH. It's the kind of thinking that gets someone to "wayward spouse".

I'd reframe that to "taking advantage of my BH's gift of not filing immediately for D". You are not 'giving up' something, you are GLADLY availing yourself of the gift of a second chance. And if you aren't grateful and - really - GLAD for it, then why are you bothering to try and stay married?

I have shown extreme remorse for my actions.

Problem is, trashing a book that is pretty universally recommended here ("how to help your spouse heal..." ) is the opposite of remorse (and not even in the same ballpark as "extreme remorse" ). It is not the sign of someone that wants to work on themselves or see if a new M can be created from the ruins.

My intent is to try to point out things that you may not "see" in your post/attitude, not to hit you upside with a 2x4. I hear a LOT of resentment in your older posts. Maybe this has subsided, but to me, the thing about having an affair is that it not only does not help any of those old resentments, but it puts the WS in a place where they cannot be addressed for a long time, and maybe never.

Folks may disagree, but I believe the idea that the BS heals BS, WS heals WS (which includes addressing their "whys" and FIXING whatever it is that made them feel it was OK to cheat), and AFTER they have had a chance to heal/recover, they have to see where they are and decide IF they are interested in trying to forge a NEW marriage. It may be that one - or both - spouses aren't really interested in doing the HARD emotional work to heal - from the A, from their pasts, etc. It may be that one of you is, but one is not. It may be that both of you are and you find you've become such different people (or exposed the "authentic" people behind the masks you've hidden behind for years) that you don't (or do) want to stay with each other. No one knows the future. If I believe what I read here on SI,what does seem to be universal is that the M of your past is gone... in other words, the goal is not to get back the M you had, but to get to a place where a new marriage can be forged despite the wreckage of the A (and it appears in your case, the past abuse).

You can HELP him heal, but you cannot do the heavy lifting for him. You can suggest he get counseling. Whatever he decides on that front, you can decide if YOU want to get counseling (and with the history you've described, it seems that it would be a good idea for both of you). Marriage counseling may - or may not - help (I'm not a fan this early after dday, but others have had great experiences.... I suspect a lot has to do with the quality of the MC).

[This message edited by gmc94 at 10:28 AM, March 18th, 2019 (Monday)]

We had a very lengthy 4-hour talk this morning. I laid everything straight out on the table about the A. It really seems, As BS said when we argue he starts thinking of the affair. He told me I need to STOP with any arguing, Saying things a certain way, quit elongating certain words, disagreeing with him on something If that specific thing does not end we will get a D. No marriage is perfect, you will always come to a disagreement so I am unsure how this will/is going to work between us. IMO we rarely fight, As I am choosing not to give in, according to him its 3-5 times a day. Which, I know is not 100% true.

BS said if it stops things will e good

So, who knows maybe a reconcile is not in our future. I have and still, am working on myself and this marriage.

This morning he said If I am out and do not text you or respond right away, I am busy. I said No worries, I'll keep that in mind he instantly said SEE WOW so you aren't going to text me AT ALL? I said No, I never said that. I said I'll keep that in mind. Anyways he started a HUGE fight over that.

[This message edited by PAMom45 at 2:13 PM, March 18th (Monday)]

I suggested IC and Mc he said Why? I don't need anything, I did nothing! But, YOU did...

He asked if I really need to help to quit cheating, am I really that awful that i think i can't quit cheating. I told him no no no that's not what I am saying at all. I told him its beneficial to rebuild our marriage

[This message edited by PAMom45 at 2:08 PM, March 18th (Monday)]

Also, Want to add. Is BS REALLY this traumatized? No, I do not think so. esp. with what I found last night,

It was 1 thing to find he was checking out some girl daily every day multiple times a day and deleting FB notifications that involved her days after DD.

Last night, I went on his phone to check MY email, his email was UP. That's when I saw it

A message from a widely known dating app....

"3 new girls are waiting to chat with you, log in now"

I clicked login and he had MANY messages between him and other women. His profile stated "Single" Lots of info about him filled out, No profile photo.

Heres the conversation:

Me: Are you signed up on this dating site? Did you sign up?

BS: Nope!

Me: C'mon be honest with me did you sign up?

BS: No, must have been our 13-year-old son.

Me: No, No you cannot blame our child, Your info is all on there, no picture obviously so no one local who knows you can identify you, He is 13 why would he make this under your name? Did you make this?

BS: Mayyyyybe

Me: Did you?

BS: Idk if I did it was A LONG time ago. I thought my pictures would be rated on how good looking I was

Me: I call your bullshit, just from the login/sign up screen it CLEARLY states chat with local singles, flirt and socialize.

BS: I don't cheat! I am not that person, I am loyal. You're the cheater you have no right to ask me these questions!

Me: Set aside what I did, This account is NEW you have messages dating back BEFORE I did anything. So, Yes I have a right to know. Do you want to be single? or to rebuild our marriage

BS: I am not you, I am not a cheater, I dated MANY girls never cheated. However, since you are accusing ME of cheating I am gonna create dating profiles and go on them and start deleting certain emails so I don't get into trouble

Me: Wow, now you are acting childish in the midst of us trying to reconcile. You wanna hide things because why? Because YOU indeed are hiding something. I know for a fact you would have deleted that email if I had not seen it. Have you seen or hooked up with any of these women?

BS: I'm not you, I don't cheat. I am not a cheater, but YOU are!

Me: Ok, Here I am trying to reconcile, change myself, taking the right steps to heal you from what i did and you are deleting emails and are on this site. I am deleting this account ASAP

BS: I don't give a shit delete it, I don't care I am not a cheater!!!!

Me: Ok

BS: What the F**k ever you are the cheater. I stay loyal

Me: No you are interested in other women, why else make this account?

BS: I am not interested in ANYONE I NEVER made that account. it was not me! if it was it was from a long time ago

Me: ok but why feel the need to join at all, even to get your photos rated on hotness??

BS: IDK but i did not make it. You are pissing me off!!!!!

He got pissed fast when i saw the email, he said it was because I was calling him a liar.

[This message edited by PAMom45 at 2:53 PM, March 18th (Monday)]

BS here. First, let me say that I don't know the details of your story. But I found your post pretty painful to read, as a BS. The lack of empathy for your BH is pretty breathtaking.

most are illogical and do not make sense to me

No matter how illogical

Which is illogical to me

Again, illogical.

Seems illogical to me.

Why do you feel the need to repeatedly call your BH's feelings "illogical"?

I never once said you're nuts or you're wrong etc

Are these things you think, or that you wanted to say to him? Because otherwise, why even say this?

I have apologized for the A over and over. I have shown extreme remorse for my actions.

Gently, based on this post, you do not sound genuinely remorseful to me. You sound annoyed and irritated with your H for being in pain and having "irrational" emotions and fears which are 100% typical for anyone in his position, and which are the direct result of your hurtful choices.

Apologizing "over and over" does not repair the tremendous damage done by an A. If you genuinely want to fix what you have broken, you will need to start by finding some empathy for your BH and the completely normal, predictable emotional reactions he is having. Even if you are not "telling" him how crazy he is being, it is obvious that you think he is being crazy, and I can promise you: he feels that. And it will make things much, much worse for him, and it will also do significant further damage to the M if you can't stop seeing him as "nuts" and "illogical" and start seeing him as "scared and in pain" as a result of your actions.

I suggested IC and Mc he said Why? I don't need anything, I did nothing! But, YOU did...

Is he wrong?...Maybe WH does need IC. But I think it's way too early for MC, and your sole focus right now should be IC for you.

Serious question. Are you happy with this man? Why do you want to attempt reconciliation? This man has beaten you. He has abused your children. He broke a babies arm. Your baby. He spent jail time because of it. I highly doubt that is the only time he has abused your kids. From what you've posted,he's also been cheating on you,and refuses to be honest about it.

Look, you can do every single thing everyone mentions to reconcile. And it wont matter. The marriage is toxic. He is toxic. You can,and should,do the work on yourself to become a better person. But this man needs serious help. Until HE sees that,you are going to remain in an extremely dysfunctional situation.

I have done what I thought was right to give up all my freedom, he has full access to my phone, social media profiles, and emails. I have shown him every text log/phone call records from my Verizon account.

I must very gently remind you that you are in a marriage. Your husband is not your boyfriend or the guy you are going steady with. He is your life partner and you are legally, emotionally and spiritually bound to him.

You gave up your "freedom" when you let him slip that ring on your finger. From that moment on, you were accountable to another person for life. Contrary to popular belief and contrary to the lies social media fills our heads with, there is no "privacy" in a marriage. There should be full, 100% transparency in all things at all times between you and your husband. There should not be one corner of your lives that you keep hidden from each other.

And then there is the question of honesty. I am a believer in brutal honesty between partners. One agreement that my fWW and I made when she moved back in to attempt R, was that we were going to be absolutely honest with each other in all things. No more white lies, hiding the truth or dressing up our answers to try to save each other's feelings.

It has been a rough road since we decided to go this route, and it gets seriously ugly between us at times because we no longer mince words with each other. But today, nearly three years since this shit show started, and about two years into R, I can say that my fWW have a much more honest and "real" relationship than ever before. We are still struggling through it, but at least I know she's no longer bullshitting me, and that makes a huge difference in repairing my faith in her.

So I would say that, if either of you are going to be resentful about having to be transparent, then maybe neither of you are cut out for marriage. I hope that is not the case, and I do wish you and your husband well.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 5:01 PM, March 18th (Monday)]

Gently, based on this post, you do not sound genuinely remorseful to me. You sound annoyed and irritated with your H for being in pain and having "irrational" emotions and fears which are 100% typical for anyone in his position, and which are the direct result of your hurtful choices.

I shall respectfully say, You are reading words on the internet. You have never sat with me and my BS through our midnight conversations. So you have 0 clue or idea how remorseful I am, otherwise I would not be on this site seeking some sort of advice Like many WS and BS are doing on here. If I truly was not remorseful and did not care, I could have thrown my BS a big FU in his face, I did not.I am seeking advice and working and trying my hardest to fix what I had broken.

[This message edited by PAMom45 at 5:27 PM, March 18th (Monday)]

Those of us who have been here for awhile, we know that a WS posting here does not mean they must be remorseful. There are a lot if reasons an unremorseful WS posts here.

You feel you're remorseful. And you might very well be. With you're husband being so abusive, I dont think it matters to him if you are, or you're not. It will make a difference in your healing, however.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:32 PM, March 18th (Monday)]

Going out and stating he might not be reachable sent red flags to me. In addition to the rugsweeping. Not wanting to talk about it. Then being defensive and denying the cheating app. I got red flags before you even posted that, that he might be already cheating or was going to have a RA. When did he download the app? Some people act a certain way about what you do because they are already doing the same thing. I would find out more. Good chance you two have already been cheating on each other. Of course, you two fought little. You were submissive to his abuse. Do you really want to live that way for the rest of your life?