SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not ready to move to the divorce forum so I'm asking here. I don't want a divorce but it's not up to me and I understand that.

Been married 28 years, homemaker for 15. I just got a job. Rent is high here unless I live in the ghetto. I'd get half his pension and my own social security in 10 years. Is this even doable? Stupid question I know but I'm a planner. I'm thinking I'd get some alimony to buy some basic necessities like a bed and dishes. I'd keep my car that is paid for. All I really care about is basic living.

I know I deserve this so please be kind. I'm scared.

Hi Root,

Sorry to hear this. I don’t know the newer to your question. So many factors from state you live in to if you have any children still dependent (minor or disabled). You may be ble to go to a local law school who could answer your questions. Sometimes the students there will point you in a direction as part of practice without charging so you can at least get an idea. You can ask for your legal costs to be covered depending on the situation.

I am so sorry this is happening to you, it’s going to be stressful so I hope you get support reinforcements.

Please go to a consultation with an attorney (or a few). Many are free or low-cost. I went armed with a list of questions and got them all answered.

That knowledge will relieve your mind greatly - promise!

As hikingout stated, there are many factors so no one can really give you concrete information here...however, if your spouse was the primary breadwinner, you should be entitled to alimony.

Any change is scary - but that is not always a bad thing.

Hugs!

Root,

I am sorry to hear this is the path you are potentially headed down. My heart goes out to you and your family. Even as a BS I hate to see this as a potential end result for couples.

A couple of things for you/ understand some of this is dependent on state laws where you are located:

1) you indicate retirement income in ten years. Make sure that’s at your full retirement age otherwise you’ll take a big financial hit.

2) typically alimony is granted one year for every seven years of marriage. Note: some judges can be influenced in this situation if infidelity is involved. But again depends on if your state has at fault laws or not. No fault states infidelity wouldn’t come into play.

3) as a SAHM for 15 years this typically will get factored in and the courts may look at this during division of assets and income: such as entitlement to pension accounts, savings, investments etc. as you still contributed to the household in a major way.

Hiking said it best, reaching out to legal aid or local law schools to find out what your rights are, is beat for you!

Thoughts and prayers..

I don't want a divorce but it's not up to me and I understand that.

I know I deserve this so please be kind. I'm scared.

Root, just to clarify, has your BH asked for a divorce? Or are you still struggling with the issues from your last posts, and you're trying to prepare yourself because you think a D is inevitable?

[This message edited by ibonnie at 10:00 AM, April 1st (Monday)]

It is scary Root and it's okay to feel it. I don't have any advice I only stopped by to give you some support. But I think if there's a will there's a way. It's about getting used to something new. It's not about what you deserve okay? Transform your thoughts to something better than that, even if just a little. How much time are looking at to prepare? Start saving money now, planning for it, that's not stupid. If it's happening and there's no going back you gotta look out for yourself, while being fair. Big hugs, this is hard.

Root,

I'm sorry for your situation. A couple of things to bear in mind. Alimony is typically considered to be rehabilitative in most jurisdictions. In other words, it is intended to give you the opportunity to become self sufficient by helping you while you find employment, seek further education, etc. Also, most courts use a formula based on the disparity of your incomes (i.e. a percentage of the difference). Fault generally does not come into play as most jurisdictions are no "no fault" states so the infidelity probably wouldn't be a factor.

Hope this helps.

I don’t have friends or family. My kids are teenagers and they will choose BH just because of the house. We are renting but it’s 3 times the cost of an apartment. I can’t even remotely afford it. I’m asking for another chance. More therapy. More meds. It’s the BPD he can’t live with.

He thinks I’m offering to do these things now because he’s giving up but it’s not true. I was trying to find a therapist and I have a drs appt coming up. Its been an uphill battle finding someone to treat me.

He is presently leaning towards divorce (hasn’t officially asked yet no). I’m just trying to prepare.

[This message edited by Root at 10:20 AM, April 1st (Monday)]

Sending Hugs to you Root. I know this hard. I'm sorry

He was crying yesterday and started going down memory lane. Happy memories. I then asked why he was upset and I didn’t get the answer I was hoping for. He said he though we could financially afford it and that he couldn’t live like this anymore. I asked him for another chance this morning and he said he’d consider it. Maybe.

The memory lane thing was him grieving.

Like the others said, so much depends on your state. My state pretty much splits everything in half if I remember correctly. I consulted an attorney for free shortly after dday and it was an interesting experience to say the least. No matter what, make sure you have your own attorney. Too many divorces get ugly when money is involved. I’m sorry you find yourself in this possible situation. He may have to buy you out of your half of the house, which should help you to maybe put some down on a condo or something.

I took today off to clean the house, pay bills, do our taxes and cry. I needed to get my house in order.

We don’t own a home. Have very little debt. His trust fund is untouchable. His income isn’t that high. I’m afraid.

[This message edited by Root at 10:50 AM, April 1st (Monday)]

He came home to check on me. He’s not an ultimatum person. He means what he says and says what he means. Said he would pay for an apartment. Said he hasn’t decided whether to give me another chance or not.

[This message edited by Root at 12:28 PM, April 1st (Monday)]

Root – I am sure this has been covered but will he not do marriage counseling? I am sorry you are suffering.

Root, I can relate to your BH so strongly. My WW is a serial cheater with BPD as well... and as bad as the A's have been, the BPD can sometimes be worse. Sometimes. It definitely compounds the feelings associated with the affairs.

So your original question--is it doable? Of course it is. I've read tons of your posts, and I'm not sure how high-functioning you are, but even if you're BPD you can still find a job, get on your feet, and find success. You just need to tame the BPD enough to let you do that. As a homemaker you didn't need to, but supporting yourself you absolutely will (sorry if that's harsh, but it's true--nobody can "fire" you for a tantrum at home!)

Very few states are at-fault states, so you'll almost certainly get alimony. It will help, but as you said, H isn't very high earning so maybe it won't be that much--who knows.

The hard truth is you might need to live in a small apartment you don't like for a while. Many divorcees do. But you can come out of it. You can. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Now for my other advice... being married to a BPD can be emotionally catastrophic. Your H has been through hell in many ways (and note, I'm not saying it's been easy on you. You know both these things). Each "tantrum," depending on how severe and how accusatory, will drain BH's faith in the "this is worth it" tank. IMO even more important than meds (which for my BPD WW made her worse unless they were PERFECTLY dialed in and taken at the PERFECT time each day) is...coping skills. Intensive therapy which teaches you how to de-escalate. How to self-soothe. How to look to yourself to meet your needs instead of BH. How to sense a meltdown coming and circumvent it. How to recognize and acknowledge your fear of abandonment without feeling like death is going to overtake you.

So... that's my advice. Focusing on those things, no matter what the future holds, will make your future happier and healthier. It might save your M or it might not. But it's worth it.

Keep going. Keep trying. Be nice to yourself. Recognize his emotional anguish and acknowledge your role in it without succumbing to the "woe is me" mindset. You're not an awful person. You have an illness you need to continue trying to address, and you need to recognize the pain you can cause others and use that as a driver to heal your own wounds and become healthier for you and your whole family.

I don't think MC will help them right now. The marriage isn't the issue.....her mental health is.

She needs to get her mental health to a much better place. Adding MC to deal with the marriage is an unfair burden for them both.

Root isn't actively seeking to sabotage her marriage...her mental illness is in the driver seat. MC will make her feel worse because she can't control her emotions or reactions right now.

Its not fair to put that expectation her husband either. He can't be in a marriage where he is being mentally and emotionally abused. Root is NOT doing it on purpose and she feels horrible afterwards but its still happening. Its not fair for him to put "well & healthy" expectations on a unwell and unhealthy spouse.

More unmet expectations=more resentment for them both.

Root I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I knew words or actions to give you and him peace.

Do you get any social security. My mother-in-law was severe BPD and she got social security. She lived in a high rise based on her income till she died of cancer. She never sought any psych support, in the end she rarely came out of her apartment due to anxiety issues. She was only 53 when she died. Agree with Prissy here on the marriage thing. My mother-in-law separated from her husband. It was just easier that way. They were better friends than spouses and still stayed friends while co-parenting. He is a really great guy and didn't deserve what she dished out on him. She accepted the fact that she was better off living alone really well. She appeared happier to me. She no longer had anyone setting her off with normal living. She even gave up parental rights of her son to my wife and her remaining sister when he was 9. It is what it is.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 2:38 PM, April 1st (Monday)]

Do you get any social security.

I'm high functioning so unfortunately no.

I'm sitting here cleaning off my desk, paying some bills, in complete and total shock. I waffle from sobbing to acceptance. I did this. Shit. Kicking myself for not listening to people here sooner.

Note to anyone still married after d-day. Pay close attention to the advice given here. I didn't listen and now I'm paying a high price. Don't be me.

Root isn't actively seeking to sabotage her marriage...her mental illness is in the driver seat.

I've been doing better. Not good enough obviously but I was making progress. I struggle when BH travels (he's retiring in 9 months). He was gone for 2 weeks. I did great the first week but lost it the 2nd week. Didn't help that I got swamped with kid homework (all advanced classes btw). My oldest is in engineering (high school) and I spent 8 hours over 2 nights helping him build a homemade Operation game. I soldered and everything. Then my youngest needed help writing this paper for English. This all on top of a newish job.

BH's other complaints can easily be fixed with a med tweak and some therapy. It's the travel or extended time away from home that derails me. Facing the demon of fear of abandonment will be a bit more challenging but I think I can fix it. Too late I know....

[This message edited by Root at 3:54 PM, April 1st (Monday)]

I'm in total SHOCK. I am so sad. Bh said we’d talk but it’s going to be bad I imagine.

[This message edited by Root at 4:38 PM, April 1st (Monday)]