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My wife had an affair about 8 months ago with an old high school BF. The told me they were friends in high school but didn’t tell me that they had ever dated. I did trust me wife until this happened. I felt like she was my sole mate and I didn’t believe in the before she came into my life. We knew each other in high school and liked each other but never dated. 25 years later we started dating 12 days after her ex husband left her. Everything seems perfect.

Then her father died about 11 years ago I was there by her side through the cancer with him. Her mother died 2 years ago and we took care of her for 11 years. She was handicapped and wouldn’t walk a long distance. So my wife was the care giver for them both until the day they died. I was by her side through it all. She is in a deep deep depression and she doesn’t think she needs help. I have tried counceling but if you don’t do the homework it’s just a waist of time & money. I have done everything I know to do to help her but she has to be willing to help herself.

Back to the affair. Her and her ex BF had started texting and she would giggle and text all hour of the night and day. That seems strange to me so I set something up to catch her and it worked. I got proof in text messages and naughty pictures. I confronted her but of course she denied it. I use to be friends with the person she had an affair with so I had his number as well so I called him. I used reverse psychology on him and he admitted everything. That’s when I though I was going to die. I was and still am hurt so bad from the betrayal. When I want to talk about it she brings up things I did in my past to stop talking about it. I had a porn problem and liked going to strip clubs. But not as bad as screwing another person. I am still upset with her and can’t talk to her because she don’t want to either admit she did something wrong or she don’t want to talk about it. It’s like she is putting the blame on me. Not sure which one. I still love my wife but don’t trust her at all. I don’t want to lose my marriage over this but if things don’t change I might. Any help will be appreciated.

Thanks for reading

AT this time your wife is a remorseless cheater. You have nothing to work with. You can't fix her. She would have to do that.

Staying in this is your choice. What do you hope to gain from it?

There is no excuse for cheating. It's a very willing decision she made. You had nothing to do with it.

She is making excuses to justify her affair.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:11 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]

Sorry you find yourself here. Your WW is an unremorseful cheater. You can’t R with someone who is not interested. You cannot change her. She has to want the M for it to continue. Read in the healing library there is a lot of good info there.You should try your best to detch from her to help your healing. Read and implement the 180. You don’t have to be nasty or mean. But ignore her and live your life. Make you a priority. Stop doing things for her. This is not to punish her but to help you heal. She should read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, by McDonald.

Most importantly take care of yourself. Get tested for STD’s. Get back into your hobbies and hit the gym and exercise. If the OM is M inform the OBS promptly. See an attorney to learn your rights. Your WW is trying to blame you for her A. This is a common tactic, blameshifting, to try and alleviate her guilt or shame. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to go have sex with another man. Shut that crap down firmly. She had lots of other options to work out any M problems with you. You are responsible for fifty percent of the status of your M, but zero percent of her reasons to cheat.

Please get into IC to help you deal with the emotional trauma. Make sure to eat and take liquids. Get sleep with aids if necessary. If you WW fails to come around and show true remorse, not just regret for getting caught, and is consistent in understanding the pain that her A has caused you, then you may be able to move forward. Don’t jump into the “save the M” mode too quickly. It is too early to make a decision to D or R. Time will help you get a perspective. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 10:25 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]

Hey Lost,

So it sounds like your WW wants to just sweep this all under the porch (pretty typical behavior). Is that acceptable to you?

Your tag line says North Carolina. That is a fault state. You might want to remind her of that. Affairs in a fault state impact spousal support. You can also file a lawsuit against POS OM.

Is he married?

Are you sure the affair is over?

It is tough when you have an unremorseful cheater who is blame shifting.

Play tough, see a lawyer to learn what your rights are. You may even file for divorce, this process takes along time. You can stop it at any point that your WW gets her head on straight.

If you play hard ball, it may shock your WW into seeing what she is going to lose. If she doesn't get her head out of her ass, you are at least a step closer to getting out of infidelity.

Secure your finances, cancel joint credit cards, don't let her use your money to carry on her affair(s).

Expose her adultery to her family and friends. Put some pressure on her.

As others have said, employ the 180. You don't have to be mean or a jerk, just stop doing anything for her. Make her realize what she may lose. You are the prize.

Hi 1lostone, Welcome to Surviving Infidelity (SI). I'm sorry you are here, but this is a good place for support. I recommend you read the article titled: Tactical Primer. This article is pinned to the top of this forum and it can also be found in "The Healing Library" (Yellow box upper left corner). A variety of good articles and resources are located there. Here is the link to the article:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/tactical-primer.asp

It's sad, but it is common for a Wayward Wife (WW) to blame their Betrayed Husband (BH) as the reason for her affair. My WW did this to me as well at first. As you learn more about the psychology of affairs, you'll realize that her poor choices had nothing to do with you. In fact, you could have been the perfect husband and she still would have cheated.

Be prepared to for an emotional rollercoaster that will feel all consuming. The best way to cope with this is to:

1. Try and get as much rest as you can

2. Regular Exercise

3. Eat healthy

4. Stay hydrated

Basically, don't neglect your health because it will only make things worse. I also strongly recommend that you both get tested for STD's.

So sorry for what you are going through.

ETA: Link to Tactical Primer

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 2:53 PM, April 8th (Monday)]

Marz

I hope to save my marrage. I still love my wife. I want my marrage to work out but without trust I know it never will. Thanks for the reply

[This message edited by 1lostone at 2:23 AM, April 7th (Sunday)]

Zamboni

He is married and I did talk to his wife about the affair. They are having a hard time as well the last time I talked to her. As far as is it over as far as I know it is. I did put a tracking device on her iPhone so I can see where she is at any time. She doesn’t know it though. All though there is some question about an affair with an old high school BF another time. I don’t know if anything happened or not. They both say nothing happened but with no trust who can you believe.

Thanks for the reply

Marz

I hope to save my marrage. I still love my wife.

Hey, brother, I understand your feelings, but do yourself a favor and read the "11 year Update" thread running parallel to yours in JFO. You'll probably react like many do which is "my wife is different," but I'd bet otherwise. I'm not a gambling man, but I'd take these odds feeling very certain of getting more than my money back.

That thread, and so many more stories of having to "spend nights with one eye open until the shoe drops again" is what I'll say most men go through when they agree to R.

For what its worth.

Would you say you have a codependency issue? I would only Reconcile if there was true remorse by your wife. And there isn’t.

Move on.

1lostone:

You say you want to save your M but it can’t be saved if your WW is not willing to do the work and rebuild the trust. What has she been doing to demonstrate that she wants to keep the M? At a minimum she needs to be honest and transparent with her phone and devices. She needs to write a no contact letter you approve to the OM. She needs to write out a detailed timeline of her A and answer all of your questions without defensiveness. She needs to support you as you work through and process the pain she has caused you.

There are two ways out of infidelity, D or R. Whatever path you choose you will receive support. If her A turns out to be a dealbreaker for you, so be it. It is for many. If you choose to R, it is not an easy path and takes time and a remorseful spouse. You will receive different opinions here and some may seem harsh, but everyone has been in your position. We say: take the advice you can use and leave the rest. In the end, it is your life and your M. You get to decide what works best for you. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 8:05 AM, April 7th (Sunday)]

1lostone, I am truly sorry that you have a reason to be here.

25 years later we started dating 12 days after her ex husband left her. 

For some reason, this statement stuck out to me. Why did he leave?

I was thinking the exact same thing...

Loststone, your story is very similar to mine. I’m sorry brother. This isn’t going to be easy regardless if you choose to stay or leave. I’m 11 years from Dday. Personally I tried very hard to forgive and forget. I’m still resentful. Once the trust is shattered it is very difficult to restore. She doesn’t sound remorseful and that’s a very bad sign.

1lostone,

Fareast is correct. You can’t save the marriage by yourself, you WW will have to do the work, or it won’t work.

You are struggling and it’s very very normal. Some posters mentioned remorse. I’ll quote myself from another thread:

Remorse is about empathy. It about the BS, not the WS.

But why is empathy important?

Because you don’t want this situation to ever happen again.

Never again.

And it’s much less likely to happen if a Wayward sees and understands how hurtful his/her behavior is. They won’t want to inflict this pain ever again. That is why remorse and empathy is important.

As long as your WW doesn’t show any remorse, the best courseof action is to detach from your WW. Sleep in a separate room, do the 180, stop interacting with her. Go see a lawyer, to learn your rights. Stay firm but in control (no yelling) Like the others have said, get tested for STD. Take care of yourself. Eat well, drink, seek support from family and friends. Post often. Remember that it’s all on her, 100% her fault.

When/if she shows remorse and is willing to built trust again, then you can consider R. Not before. Right now there’s no point really.

Hello, i am sorry for you for the situation you are into. You're wife is blameshifting. Ok you had a porn addiction and went to strip bars. Is that something to be proud of? No. But you have not cheated on you're wife.Do not accept her blame shifting. Do not rugsweep the affair and in order to be able to reconcile you as a man need to take the power. WW must show she is remorsefull.

‭Wool94

OrdinaryDude

25 years ago is where we met. It was in summer school 25 years ago which has now been 33 years ago. We rekindled out friendship at the 25 year mark. We have been dating 13 years and married 11 years.

In the beginging she did show remorse. She did still do the blame game to make it out like it was my fault and I know it wasn't my fault. Now she just seems to not want to talk about it so I thin k she does that to get me to stop talking about it.

BBBD

Yes I would say I have codependency issue. I am also almost 50 and looking at striating my life all over again if my M fails. Dreading that! I love my wife but I want her to admit that what she did was worse than what I did.

ShutterHappy

I only lost my cool totally for the first few days. I never laid a hand on her. Not I just try to discuss it with a level head.

fareast

As far as a no contact to the OM. I am a 300lbs country boy and when I talked to him I threatened him with him let’s say disappear and never being sen again. Did that stop it I would hope so BUT who knows. I have access to her phone and a key logger on my computer. I also have a tracker on her cell phone. This sounds absurd that I have gone this far. Maybe Im crazy!

Other things I did was I didn't give her compliments or the attention she wanted like I use to but I think that's how every M gets over time. I also had a really bad case of not listening her. In my defense she talks a lot though. LOL! I work a lot of hours since I own my own business. But that's no reason to do what she did.

Thanks for all the responses!

[This message edited by 1lostone at 5:04 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]

1lostone,

No worries, I never thought you did. What I tried to convey is that those situations are highly emotional and when one tries to stay calm, on stays in control of the situation. It’s the same as when disciplining children, firm but in control.

It’s really hard. You will get much more success if you say exactly how you feel, and your requirements (what you need) for your WW to fix what she broke.

Also remember that every single posters here have been through what you are going through. We know how it is and how you feel right now.

Keep posting.

I'm not sure you understand my question. What caused the first marriage to dissolve?

I hope to save my marrage. I still love my wife. I want my marrage to work out but without trust I know it never will. Thanks for the reply

You are correct it takes 2 right now you don't have that.

I get you. Many just stay together but with her mindset you could get a repeat.

At this time you need to put some thought into this. Upfront most just want them back. Later you may not want what you get back if that's even possible.